Random vents by OW...sorry

[qubist]

Shinebrightforever: I know I already suggested this before, but just a reminder, you may want to consider professional help if you you can afford it. an IC can help you at least understand yourself and realize what you really want. I'm doubting that you really want to go back and have a "normal" married life with your H. you have to be sure of that first before you can do anything. if you determine that indeed you do want you H there will be no other way that doesn't go thru ending your A emotionally and physically.

[Confused48]

Shine - If you read other stories here you will see it is unlikely that your A is over. You still work with him. At some point, a week, a month, a year, he is going to want you again. Whether it is just for sex or whether he is all wrapped up in the affair generated feelings too.

 

He would have to be a pretty warped individual to be in an affair for years and not develop strong feelings for you. So he will be back after you, even if you don't want it and you likely WILL want it, after enough time passes. Nothing has changed to make either of you not want it.

 

My opinion is you and/or he needs to get counseling/help to change. Or you need to tell your spouses. That would likely end it too. Nothing short of one of those two thing is likely going to end this affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

You've never met the person who said if you cheat, I don't want to hear about it? Please. They're all over these forums.

 

So apparently are WS that preemptively make the choice for their spouses.

 

Just out of curiosity, how do you determine without telling whether or not your BS wants to be told ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Redheaded Mistress]

So, if your own husband had a sexual affair with someone that wasn't you, you wouldn't have a right to know? Seriously?

 

Do I think I need to know? Sure.

 

Do I stand there and get in his face and say that I have a "right" to know? No. There's no law that says he has to tell me, there's no Constitutional amendment that he demands he tells me, and I'm not his owner or his boss. I'm his wife.

 

At the end of the day, he can keep any and every secret he wants. I can demand he tell me and rant about my "rights," but really... Has anybody ever said "OMG, you're right, it is your right to know! Quick, grab a chair, let me spill my guts." No. They haven't. And here's guessing if somebody is having an affair, even if it was your "right" to hear it, they won't care about you enough to tell you then either.

 

All I can do is set up a healthy dynamic in my marriage where we'd want to tell each other what's going on, where we acknowledge that the sharing that we do isn't out of obligation but our pattern of communication, a display of respect, and genuine happiness at having a person choose to share out of their desire to do so and not some obligation.

 

If he has an affair and shares that information, fabulous.

 

If he has an affair and he doesn't share it, fabulous.

 

The result is the same either way. I deal with the state of my marriage. If he has an affair and he shares the information, we go from there and rebuild or part ways. If he has an affair and doesn't tell me and I don't know about it, if our marriage goes downhill then I make the same decision... Rebuild or part ways. If the problem doesn't fix, even if I don't know what it is on his side, I can still decide to keep working or cut my losses.

 

At the end of the day, if our marriage is crumbling, I don't need to wait for him to spill his guts to start working on the issue, or decide if it's worth fixing or not. And if he's having an affair, not telling me about it, our marriage is crumbling, and I've passed my point of investment... Honestly, what he isn't telling me doesn't matter to me. I can still make my choices on what I'll put up with and what I won't.

[Redheaded Mistress]

No you did not marry the right person because you had an affair. What you did was put the cart in front of the horse.

 

You should of divorced then look for a new husband.

 

I married the right person because, after an affair, we divorced and married each other. You can re-write my story as you wish, but the end of the day the core of it is I got married, he got married, both of our marriages were bad, we met each other, we became friends, we realized we'd found in each other the person we should have married, and it led to an affair.

 

Of course it would have been nice if we'd met before we married the wrong people or held off on a relationship until after a divorce. We didn't, but that doesn't halt progression of the relationship or the realizations we had along the way.

 

And again, if you want to discuss me and my relationship, that's for a new thread. Not here.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thanks, it's going to be extremely hard If he does. Right now, it's his choice to be nc. I haven't been the one to do it myself before. Maybe I won't get the chance. Maybe I will.

 

If you don't get the chance, honestly, that's the easiest way.

 

However, you can do the standard stuff... Change your email address, block his email and route it to Internet oblivion, change your number, block his, and remove him from social media.

 

You work together so that does add a wrinkle. Is it easy to avoid him or not deal with him at work? Having done the workplace thing myself, I know that's a huge trigger. You hold out for those days you can go to work and see each other. Is there a way you can stop that, even with seemingly innocent things like, say, getting an office or deskmate?

[Redheaded Mistress]

So apparently are WS that preemptively make the choice for their spouses.

 

Just out of curiosity, how do you determine without telling whether or not your BS wants to be told ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very simply.

 

If it's not my marriage, I determine it's none of my business to say they should or shouldn't tell. I say there's merit to both and give advice based off of what they decide with the knowledge that to tell or not to tell isn't a universally right or wrong thing to do.

 

If it's my marriage, and I've woken up in an alternate universe where I've had an affair, I defer back to what I know about my spouse, the situation as it is, have a 'come to Jesus' discussion with myself about the where, what, why, and decide what to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

If it's my marriage, and I've woken up in an alternate universe where I've had an affair, I defer back to what I know about my spouse, the situation as it is, have a 'come to Jesus' discussion with myself about the where, what, why, and decide what to do.

 

In other words, you decide for your BS. Not sure why you have a hard time understanding this is different than having your spouse say " if you cheat, I don't want to hear about it"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

It was stated that the "right" to disclose is acceptable if a STD occurs. For the sake of DECENCY I will assume that this means when the cheater contracts the STD and NOT AFTER SHE/HE HAS PASSED IT ON TO THEIR SPOUSE.

 

Can we assume that is a fair statement?

 

So, if this is the case, you are aware that some STD can lay dormant OR and most importantly, the STD can be passed at any time.

 

Therefore, based on the logic that you should disclose the affair, PRIOR TO PASSING ON the STD, you must get tested after EVERY encounter. Would you not agree?

 

Whenever you accept ANY FLUIDS from another into your body and pass your fluids into another, you are exposing your SO to the others fluids. Since that AP is married, then you are accepting his wife's fluids along with his, mixing them with yours, and giving that gift to your husband.

 

So, based upon the theory that STDs are a reason for disclosing, YOU MUST GET TESTED AFTER EVERY CONTACT or simply disclose and let your Husband/wife decide if they want to. Accept YOUR fluids.

 

Right?

 

Right?

 

Never mind, I am sure a excuse or justification will come up for that too.

Edited August 3, 2015 by 66Charger

[Shinebrightforever]

Qubist, confused48 and RHM...

IC would be preferred of MC at first, just to continue to get this filthy wreckage out, exposed. I feel so disillusioned, confused, emotional...not sure what I even want right now. I certainly am not able to make any decision without a ton of ambivalence these days. So, yah, IC....is necessary.

I need to find reality...and s balance of what I'm capable of, and what I'm not. If he contacts me soon, it may be lofty for me to think I won't like it...or respond...until I'm in a better place.

IC...isn't only necessary, it may also need to be immediate!!

[Shinebrightforever]

66charger..not trying to save face..but me and my H don't have sex anymore. So he doesn't receive that wicked cocktail of fluids as a gift. However, if we reinstate that...i would share my sexual history that I had with the A partner. Just like dating couples want to know sexual histories in the case of unprotected sex. I've made some dumb decisions, but tgat isn't one of them.

[understand50]

Qubist, confused48 and RHM...

IC would be preferred of MC at first, just to continue to get this filthy wreckage out, exposed. I feel so disillusioned, confused, emotional...not sure what I even want right now. I certainly am not able to make any decision without a ton of ambivalence these days. So, yah, IC....is necessary.

I need to find reality...and s balance of what I'm capable of, and what I'm not. If he contacts me soon, it may be lofty for me to think I won't like it...or respond...until I'm in a better place.

IC...isn't only necessary, it may also need to be immediate!!

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

OK, you have the first Item on your to do list. When do you start?

 

Please take the next step, as I think you will find that positive actions(s) will help you the most.

[Shinebrightforever]

Shinebrightforever: I know I already suggested this before, but just a reminder, you may want to consider professional help if you you can afford it. an IC can help you at least understand yourself and realize what you really want. I'm doubting that you really want to go back and have a "normal" married life with your H. you have to be sure of that first before you can do anything. if you determine that indeed you do want you H there will be no other way that doesn't go thru ending your A emotionally and physically.

 

Qubist....wish I could hug you....

Thank you.

[Shinebrightforever]

Qubist....wish I could hug you....

Thank you.

 

Before everyone starts slamming me in the chin...not THAT type of hug!! Just a side hug. Or maybe just a high five.

Sigh.

[66Charger]

66charger..not trying to save face..but me and my H don't have sex anymore. So he doesn't receive that wicked cocktail of fluids as a gift. However, if we reinstate that...i would share my sexual history that I had with the A partner. Just like dating couples want to know sexual histories in the case of unprotected sex. I've made some dumb decisions, but tgat isn't one of them.

 

That would be the HONORABLE thing to do. You do have it in you.

 

I will assume you have never, in 4 years, had sex or kissed your husband since you have had intimacy with your AP or you have been tested thoroughly.

 

No intimacy with your husband is new information. Thats a curious bit of info.

[qubist]

Before everyone starts slamming me in the chin...not THAT type of hug!! Just a side hug. Or maybe just a high five.

Sigh.

LOL, how about a virtual hug. I'm rooting for you i wish I could do something to push you. but try harder, good luck

[DKT3]

Four years without sex is a long time. I'm betting that your husband has had sex during that time, have you ever given that any thought?

 

I wanted to touch on the eariler conversation we had about leaving your marriage for you AP. You said you would, I don't believe that. The reason why is your actions show that something inside you knows you don't want to be in a commited relationship with your AP. You have made it clear throughout this thread that you goal was to maintain both relationships forever (major cake eating). Its shows that you value something in your relationship with your husband that goes past the kids.

 

Right now you draw is your AP because he is the one you don't have, it would be the same had your husband found out first. Your life has become like a tripod, where you need all three legs to stand tall.

 

I think your best course of action RIGHT NOW is one thing at a time. 1) focus on NC with the AP. Reevaluate the situation after three months of NC. 2) decide if you want to stay married (my guess is yes once your thinking clearly). 3) find a way to open up and be honest with your husband (no matter the direction you decide) 4) work towards living an authenic life be it single or married.

 

MM is not an option, if he were he would have crossed the line by now. If you read the few cases here where MW end up with the AP it happens pretty quick, within a year or so. He has no intentions on leaving his marriage.

[qubist]

Four years without sex is a long time. I'm betting that your husband has had sex during that time, have you ever given that any thought?

 

I wanted to touch on the eariler conversation we had about leaving your marriage for you AP. You said you would, I don't believe that. The reason why is your actions show that something inside you knows you don't want to be in a commited relationship with your AP. You have made it clear throughout this thread that you goal was to maintain both relationships forever (major cake eating). Its shows that you value something in your relationship with your husband that goes past the kids.

 

Right now you draw is your AP because he is the one you don't have, it would be the same had your husband found out first. Your life has become like a tripod, where you need all three legs to stand tall.

 

I think your best course of action RIGHT NOW is one thing at a time. 1) focus on NC with the AP. Reevaluate the situation after three months of NC. 2) decide if you want to stay married (my guess is yes once your thinking clearly). 3) find a way to open up and be honest with your husband (no matter the direction you decide) 4) work towards living an authenic life be it single or married.

 

MM is not an option, if he were he would have crossed the line by now. If you read the few cases here where MW end up with the AP it happens pretty quick, within a year or so. He has no intentions on leaving his marriage.

You are absolutely right, this is exactly what I've trying to explain to her. obviously the MM/AP does not want her in his life except for occasional sex. I can add that MM almost never leave their wives for their APs.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks DKT3. I really like the 3 month time frame, then reevaluate that you listed. You are correct. In the last 4 years, my life has been fulfilled by 2 men. That's a long time. I was living a huge double life. In all honesty, I felt my AP was more my H then my actual H, even though I lived apart from my AP. that is where the intimacy and communication was. That became my day to day way of living and defining myself.

 

I don't want to run away with my AP, guess in my mind it wasnt an option we discussed..but yes...it hurts to lose him too. Can't explain the messed up feelings very well...it's pretty jacked.

 

Feel like someone died.

 

No, and yes. I think about my Hs sexual needs...but then I think maybe I don't want to know...so I force myself not to think about it. I may be conflict avoidant juuuuuuust a tad.

[Shinebrightforever]

That would be the HONORABLE thing to do. You do have it in you.

 

I will assume you have never, in 4 years, had sex or kissed your husband since you have had intimacy with your AP or you have been tested thoroughly.

 

No intimacy with your husband is new information. Thats a curious bit of info.

 

It took me and my AP a long time to have sex...so no, it hasn't been 4 years.

[Shinebrightforever]

You are absolutely right, this is exactly what I've trying to explain to her. obviously the MM/AP does not want her in his life except for occasional sex. I can add that MM almost never leave their wives for their APs.

 

Good for me to hear. But...here's my take...and maybe I'm trying to comfort myself and shouldn't. It took us a lonnnnnng time to have sex. Freaked us both out once we did. In the 4 years of us being together, we have stopped the PA maybe a dozen times...sometimes I stopped it, sometime him even. However, we would maintain our EA. my point...if I was just a sexual thing...wouldn't he have pulled up stakes with me long ago? I haven't given it to him easily...even after this long! It's not something we would do often...and when we would don't get me wrong...fireworks were in the sky, the sun shine brighter, it was NOT awful. But it was like we both knew that part of us was always on the chopping block.

[qubist]

Good for me to hear. But...here's my take...and maybe I'm trying to comfort myself and shouldn't. It took us a lonnnnnng time to have sex. Freaked us both out once we did. In the 4 years of us being together, we have stopped the PA maybe a dozen times...sometimes I stopped it, sometime him even. However, we would maintain our EA. my point...if I was just a sexual thing...wouldn't he have pulled up stakes with me long ago? I haven't given it to him easily...even after this long! It's not something we would do often...and when we would don't get me wrong...fireworks were in the sky, the sun shine brighter, it was NOT awful. But it was like we both knew that part of us was always on the chopping block.

this is from your stand point, MM in general have a different view. I have read many many stories of MM affair,and read about the reasons and mentality of MMs, believe it or not they are similar except of some details. MM want a R outside of their day-today married lives. some argue that all men have it as a fantasy but to different degree, in his mind you will always be the OM, I'm sure he enjoyed the "fire works" you provided during sex, I'm not saying that he necessarily using you with bad intention, but in a way or another you are used as a sex thing, he told you he wasn't leaving his wife.

like DKT said earlier, it is better for you to understand what you want first. I hope I'm not offending you by the word "sex thing" I just sense that you are a good confused person that need help

[DKT3]

Thanks DKT3. I really like the 3 month time frame, then reevaluate that you listed. You are correct. In the last 4 years, my life has been fulfilled by 2 men. That's a long time. I was living a huge double life. In all honesty, I felt my AP was more my H then my actual H, even though I lived apart from my AP. that is where the intimacy and communication was. That became my day to day way of living and defining myself.

 

I don't want to run away with my AP, guess in my mind it wasnt an option we discussed..but yes...it hurts to lose him too. Can't explain the messed up feelings very well...it's pretty jacked.

 

Feel like someone died.

 

No, and yes. I think about my Hs sexual needs...but then I think maybe I don't want to know...so I force myself not to think about it. I may be conflict avoidant juuuuuuust a tad.

 

After I found out about my wifes 20 month I dawned on me that I had known the whole time. I had been in denial and ignoring all the things that pointed towards the affair. My point is your husbands knows your having an affair, just like you know he is getting sex somewhere else as well.

 

No your AP isn't more of a husband then your husband. The thing about affairs that make them so hard to break free of is simple, really if you think about it. A marriage includes logistic, childs extended family, bills, mowing the life, getting the dog to the groomers, fixing broke sh*t around the house, buying new cars when the old one is a POS vs the affair which is you and the AP sneaking around acting like a couple of teenagers. Affairs are all about YOU, the good and bad is all focused around the relationship. A fantasy bubble if you will. Within that bubble its all rainbows and unicorns and honestly some fu*ked up logic and thinking. Once your head is clear you will look back and be like "WTF WAS THAT"

[Shinebrightforever]

I can't wait to get to that point....the "Wtf was THAT"....point.

Thanks to you both. Ugh...it's true I'm sure, just part of the justification I had to continue it was that it was more than sex. So good to break that down for me...again, thanks.

Sorry if you were on the other side of an A DKT3.

[Sassy Girl]

Do I think I need to know? Sure.

 

Do I stand there and get in his face and say that I have a "right" to know? No. There's no law that says he has to tell me, there's no Constitutional amendment that he demands he tells me, and I'm not his owner or his boss. I'm his wife.

 

At the end of the day, he can keep any and every secret he wants. I can demand he tell me and rant about my "rights," but really... Has anybody ever said "OMG, you're right, it is your right to know! Quick, grab a chair, let me spill my guts." No. They haven't. And here's guessing if somebody is having an affair, even if it was your "right" to hear it, they won't care about you enough to tell you then either.

 

All I can do is set up a healthy dynamic in my marriage where we'd want to tell each other what's going on, where we acknowledge that the sharing that we do isn't out of obligation but our pattern of communication, a display of respect, and genuine happiness at having a person choose to share out of their desire to do so and not some obligation.

 

If he has an affair and shares that information, fabulous.

 

If he has an affair and he doesn't share it, fabulous.

 

The result is the same either way. I deal with the state of my marriage. If he has an affair and he shares the information, we go from there and rebuild or part ways. If he has an affair and doesn't tell me and I don't know about it, if our marriage goes downhill then I make the same decision... Rebuild or part ways. If the problem doesn't fix, even if I don't know what it is on his side, I can still decide to keep working or cut my losses.

 

At the end of the day, if our marriage is crumbling, I don't need to wait for him to spill his guts to start working on the issue, or decide if it's worth fixing or not. And if he's having an affair, not telling me about it, our marriage is crumbling, and I've passed my point of investment... Honestly, what he isn't telling me doesn't matter to me. I can still make my choices on what I'll put up with and what I won't.

 

Wow. That's some fantastic gymnastic there just to hold a line. You need to let go.

 

If your husband breaks YOUR marriage vows and the agreement he made with YOU, you have a moral right to know. You do.

 

And FYI - Your marriage doesn't have to be crumbling for him to turn outside it.