Random vents by OW...sorry

[66Charger]

I think the 3 month breather is a good idea. While you figuring what you want, ponder this.

 

lets assume that you decide to split with your husband and are free to live your second life.

(Not saying you will)

 

Would you want that with someone who cheated on his wife for 4 years?

Would you want that with someone that has done the things your AP has done?

Could you ever fully trust someone capable of this deep deception? And willing to continue it?

Would you not want a new life, a new love a chance at the forever without the fear?

 

As you are now beginning to see who you are, you will soon see the AP for who HE IS.

Think about the hammerring you received here. All those words to you ALSO APPLY TO HIM. Dont just beat yourself up, open your eyes to the AP

 

See him for who he truly is. You know him. You know what he is capable of. If you would NEVER want a future with that kind of guy, then dont. Starting today

Edited August 4, 2015 by 66Charger

[Shinebrightforever]

66charger...

Now I also want to hug you in that totally platonic, non romantic at ALL way. thank you. Well put.

[truncated]

Its not about attonement, its about giving the spouse the information to decide what path is best for them.

 

Everything about confessing is selfless since your pulling off your mask and allowing your spouse to finally see who you are, and giving them the choice to stay on go based on the TRUTH, and not the lie they have been sold.

 

Holding the information is as selfish as the affair itself. I don't think in this case she should confess simple because she used her kids in maintaining and covering for her affair. Once the kids find/figure it out it will cause untold damage to their veiws of relationships and her relationships with them.

 

Op,

there is a lot of truth to this.

Think of it this way. What if you were single and met a guy who asked you out. You went, and really enjoyed his company. Things were starting to get serious and you were developing feelings for him, when you find out he's married.

How would you feel? Wouldn't you have wanted that information before you got involved with him so that you could make decisions about your life?

 

In a hidden affair like yours ( as most of them are) the om/ow and ws get the information they need to make informed decisions about their life, yet the bs is denied this. By not having that information, they also lose out on the chance to work on whatever issues the ws feels led them to get into an affair in the first place.

 

You married your h with the unspoken agreement that you would be a team. Being a team means working together, and this is simply not possible of the bs is kept in the dark about a very important aspect of the marriage relationship.

[Shinebrightforever]

True, truncated and DKT3.

It's scary as he$& to face that fate. I realize it could easily mean D as well shame in the eyes of my children, family, coworkers, church. Not saying I don't deserve the D and shame...I do. Not saying my H doesn't finally deserve the truth...he does. But..getting to that point...getting those words out after 4 years of stuffing it away...

It's going to take some serious IC sessions to find that courage. But, I'm hopeful it will come.

[66Charger]

Shiningbrite, look at the difference in you in just a couple of days. Look at the difference from your first post and your last.. Imagine where you will be in 3 months if you choose the right direction. Put it this way.

 

If you keep posting here, in 3 months, you will look at your AP like a herpes sore.

 

Strength and honor

[66Charger]

BTW, it is OK to choose neither guy.

 

Don't have much to say for a guy that hasn't ENJOYED his wife for a couple of years.

 

That's really strange.

[DKT3]

BTW, it is OK to choose neither guy.

 

Don't have much to say for a guy that hasn't ENJOYED his wife for a couple of years.

 

That's really strange.

 

 

The timing suggests the no sex is on her since it runs concurrent with her affair, that being four years.

 

I suspect there is infidelity on both sides, I think deep down she knows it.

 

A decision on the marriage is down the road, she needs to first extricate herself from the affair. One step at a time, if she piles it all up it will feel overwhelming.

[World's.Edge]

Good for me to hear. But...here's my take...and maybe I'm trying to comfort myself and shouldn't. It took us a lonnnnnng time to have sex. Freaked us both out once we did. In the 4 years of us being together, we have stopped the PA maybe a dozen times...sometimes I stopped it, sometime him even. However, we would maintain our EA. my point...if I was just a sexual thing...wouldn't he have pulled up stakes with me long ago? I haven't given it to him easily...even after this long! It's not something we would do often...and when we would don't get me wrong...fireworks were in the sky, the sun shine brighter, it was NOT awful. But it was like we both knew that part of us was always on the chopping block.

 

He can't continue to have sex with you without maintaining the emotional aspect of the affair. It's what allows you two to keep having the physical aspect of it every time you "stopped" it. All you're doing by stopping it and starting it again is creating tension, which makes it seem like "fireworks". There's a thrill in the chase and that's what the emotionalpart is basically, even if it's not you or him actively pursuing each other.

 

Affairs and affair sex are exciting because of the inheret risk involved, the danger, the feeling of doing something wrong and naughty. The tension you two build up by calling it off and on also adds to that. If the affair were to be a normal, ordinary proper relatonship, one that is known and out in the open, this would wear off and the sex would also be normal and ordinary.

[BROKENOW]

Look, sometimes life is hard, or the monotony of stability can feel soul wrenching especially when you are used to drama and melodrama being played out in your family of origin or high school/college years. You get used to a certain amount of excitement and need that high that comes from being adventurous so you play with your feelings, the feelings of another man and your family dynamics to liven it up a bit. Sometimes, there are issues in a marriage that causes you to think that the grass is greener on the other side, or that your husband and family isn't providing everything you need to feel important and special. Then you make decisions such as the one you made, you get the high and the other person and the secrecy becomes an addiction. It is exciting, new and passionate...and you emotionally become involved because every bit of your oxytocin and adrenaline is being used in this duplicity and this relationship, without much being reserved for your husband or kids. You do everything you can for them, but with guilt, not love and so it starts to feel like a chore and your addiction, your AF becomes your focus. There is something lacking in you, something primal and at your core that you needed to fill it gratuitously while putting everything you love and value in danger. Some call it self esteem and some call it self loathing, but I call it lack of spirit. You have lost your bond with your honor, integrity, joy and energy and you are trying out fill it up with shallow words of endearment and passionate embraces that are so loathsome in reality that you hide them all away because you know in your heart and your spirit that they are fantasy....a recreation of people and places as your ego needs them to be.

I have never had an affair but from counseling and mentoring over the years, this is what I have learned about people who cheat in an otherwise stable and functional marriage and family. This is about you not being present and aware in your blessings, in your family, and in your sacred commitment to your husband. Please consider all that you have already lost by being duplicitous and betraying your family, then see a professional counselor or mentor to help you to make things right with your husband, and most importantly with your spirit. The quality of life you have now is as hollow as a dead tree trunk.

Best,

Grumps

 

I had a LTA now NC but we keep bumpingninto each other. The feelings are still there. I couldn't imagine pretending to a spouse...i don't know how my ex MM does it. I know he really loved me. Ugh.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks everyone. It IS hard. I feel I've been able to turn a corner since my first post because 1) you all are helping me 2) I'm at the anger stage of grieving....wish that would stay forever but I know it won't.

 

Question. These past few days I have been wondering if my AP just found another OW? That thought kills me more than him going back to his wife. I can't imagine it myself because I'm so emotionally dead...it's going to take me a long while to receive intimacy from my H, let alone another (not doing this again, just a distinction). But those thoughts make me want to reach out to him. Are these random thoughts a normal part of grieving?

 

Please don't say he found OW to help me walk away...only say that if you believe it's a possibility. Because it truly will cut me deep after such a long LTA.

[Shinebrightforever]

He can't continue to have sex with you without maintaining the emotional aspect of the affair. It's what allows you two to keep having the physical aspect of it every time you "stopped" it. All you're doing by stopping it and starting it again is creating tension, which makes it seem like "fireworks". There's a thrill in the chase and that's what the emotionalpart is basically, even if it's not you or him actively pursuing each other.

 

Affairs and affair sex are exciting because of the inheret risk involved, the danger, the feeling of doing something wrong and naughty. The tension you two build up by calling it off and on also adds to that. If the affair were to be a normal, ordinary proper relatonship, one that is known and out in the open, this would wear off and the sex would also be normal and ordinary.

 

Interesting perspective....and one I haven't thought of...thanks.

[gettingstronger]

Thanks everyone. It IS hard. I feel I've been able to turn a corner since my first post because 1) you all are helping me 2) I'm at the anger stage of grieving....wish that would stay forever but I know it won't.

 

Question. These past few days I have been wondering if my AP just found another OW? That thought kills me more than him going back to his wife. I can't imagine it myself because I'm so emotionally dead...it's going to take me a long while to receive intimacy from my H, let alone another (not doing this again, just a distinction). But those thoughts make me want to reach out to him. Are these random thoughts a normal part of grieving?

 

Please don't say he found OW to help me walk away...only say that if you believe it's a possibility. Because it truly will cut me deep after such a long LTA.

 

 

 

All of those thoughts are normal- but acting on them is going to set you back- I don't know your AP but if he had no dday and is a serial cheater the odds are pretty good he has moved to a new AP- best case scenario- he is working it out with his wife, worst case-he has a new AP- neither works well for you- let the healing begin-

[qubist]

Thanks everyone. It IS hard. I feel I've been able to turn a corner since my first post because 1) you all are helping me 2) I'm at the anger stage of grieving....wish that would stay forever but I know it won't.

 

Question. These past few days I have been wondering if my AP just found another OW? That thought kills me more than him going back to his wife. I can't imagine it myself because I'm so emotionally dead...it's going to take me a long while to receive intimacy from my H, let alone another (not doing this again, just a distinction). But those thoughts make me want to reach out to him. Are these random thoughts a normal part of grieving?

 

Please don't say he found OW to help me walk away...only say that if you believe it's a possibility. Because it truly will cut me deep after such a long LTA.

Shinebrightforever, you can really shine very bright forever if you want, it will all depend on you nobody else is responsible for your happiness. the fact that you are still concerned whether AP has a new OW or not shows that

1- you are still missing the main point here

2- you haven't even started toward solving your problem.

you are brainwashed by the A and somehow feel that you could only be happy in it, maybe you never experience such "fireworks" outside of it or maybe you are too passive and selfish that you don't feel you have to make any effort to reach "fireworks" somewhere else more appropriate.

remember the only person that makes you happy is you.

[Shinebrightforever]

Wow, 2 steps forward, 8 back.

This process sucks.

Just reached out for IC.

[qubist]

Wow, 2 steps forward, 8 back.

This process sucks.

Just reached out for IC.

that's a huge step forward, I can't wait for your "WTF" post. lol

good luck from the bottom of my heart

[Shinebrightforever]

Qubist...you are appreciated more than words can say

[66Charger]

That is not 8 steps back. That is normal. You have been taking a mental beating, and probably need some love and comfort right now. Right now, your husband is not a option. Your needs are still there and you want your "usual" but Your thought process has changed. Instead of reaching out to the OM, you post here. That is a BIG step forward. Don't shortchange yourself. Its not what you think, its what you do.

 

Keep going. Keep posting. One day at a time. By the end of summer you will be ppsting "WTF"

Edited August 4, 2015 by 66Charger

[m.snow]

i am no expert, listen with caution.

 

since you'll probably be confessing to your bh soon. just some tips;

like any news its best to start with the good news then the bad news.

 

testing the waters.

ex. talk about friend couple a having an affair. ask him how'ed he react to that.

or talk about that jennifer garner and ben affleck affair. ask him what jennifer should do in their marriage.

 

best to make him feel good for like a week or two before confessing.

 

you know bh enough, to tell either to confess with a counselor for assistance or not.

Edited August 4, 2015 by m.snow

[Shinebrightforever]

That is not 8 steps back. That is normal. You have been taking a mental beating, and probably need some love and comfort right now. Right now, your husband is not a option. Your needs are still there and you want your "usual" but Your thought process has changed. Instead of reaching out to the OM, you post here. That is a BIG step forward. Don't shortchange yourself. Its not what you think, its what you do.

 

Keep going. Keep posting. One day at a time. By the end of summer you will be ppsting "WTF"

 

Wow. this felt like 1000 hugs wrapped around me. Thank you 66Charger.

[turnera]

Absolutely not looking for support of my decisions. No WAY. If so, I would have posted elsewhere. I'm appreciating the honesty...I want to get out of this situation.

Then do it. Delete his contact information. Tell your best friend or your mother so she can keep you on point. Pick a therapist and tell the truth and have her/him keep you on point. Make the most grownup decision of your life.

[66Charger]

Before you delete his contact information, there is something else you need to do. You stated NC is his idea and he left the option of contact once things cooled.

 

Close that door. Show your strength. Send a NC email. Short and sweet. Do not reminisce. Do not ask questions. Simply state you are working on yourself and do not contact you in any way.

 

Then immediately block him. You may feel sadness, but that will be replaced by feeling powerful.

 

Show us what you got Shining brite. Control your destiny. Do not say there is no point because you are technically in NC

 

Send it.

 

Today

[qubist]

Before you delete his contact information, there is something else you need to do. You stated NC is his idea and he left the option of contact once things cooled.

 

Close that door. Show your strength. Send a NC email. Short and sweet. Do not reminisce. Do not ask questions. Simply state you are working on yourself and do not contact you in any way.

 

Then immediately block him. You may feel sadness, but that will be replaced by feeling powerful.

 

Show us what you got Shining brite. Control your destiny. Do not say there is no point because you are technically in NC

 

Send it.

 

Today

Yes I totally agree with 66Charger, send him what should be your last contact, a short and clear email or text message. emphasize in it on 3 points 1-that you are working on yourself 2- the A was a mistake. 3- tell him that you demand a permanent NC.

do not show any regret or bad feelings. keep all those to your IC therapist, and of course feel free to share them with us too if you like

[Shinebrightforever]

Drafted it. Took me all day. Kept rewriting it, deleting it. Cried all day, coworkers think I'm crazy. Could not hit the send button. Just...couldn't. But...it's drafted.

Seriously...the A is over. It's not necessary...it's done. He's done!!

[Shinebrightforever]

Why do I feel like this is the hardest thing I've done in my life!?!?!?!?

[understand50]

Why do I feel like this is the hardest thing I've done in my life!?!?!?!?

 

It is not, just seems so.

 

But, good for you, things will get better.