Why do i feel like a quitter?

[Dela]

As u already know, i ended it with MM 10-11 days ago. Now, since i m in the "healing" process and i have all sort of thing in my head, why do i feel like a quitter? I never quit on things. Myself breaking up with him seems like i quit, i failed. I know it s not the case but still...

 

U also know i broke NC after 4 days because i felt guilty for leaving him.

 

Why does any of my thoughts go to myself (i left him, abandoned him, i quit and failed and so on??)

 

I also wonder : what if i have stayed a little bit more, what if i didn t brrak up, what if if we would get back together etc!

I know he would come back in a heartbeat if i tild him i want this, but i don t and these thought are ****ing up my mind.

 

I can t believe i actually feel this about myself instead of thinking this about him

 

He actually abandoned me and left me by not doing anything at all.

 

It confuses me a lot. This healing process has many traps.

 

Help!!!

[norudder]

Been there. The whole "stand by your man" way of thinking. Even though he's not your man really, it feels that way. At least you recognize things don't match up because of your emotional confusion. Struggling to reconcile head vs heart, it feels like a fight against feelings. All I can say is don't fight it but don't let the emotions control you either. Let them come see them as feelings that will pass then let them go. Find something more solid to center yourself on or look forward to. Wishing you well.

[Dela]

Been there. The whole "stand by your man" way of thinking. Even though he's not your man really, it feels that way. At least you recognize things don't match up because of your emotional confusion. Struggling to reconcile head vs heart, it feels like a fight against feelings. All I can say is don't fight it but don't let the emotions control you either. Let them come see them as feelings that will pass then let them go. Find something more solid to center yourself on or look forward to. Wishing you well.

 

 

Thank you. I can t believe i m actually blaming myself. It s one of those days. I was angry at him today, how the heck did i move to being angry on myself?

My mind is playing me very hard. It s like a football match in my head. Damn

[Josmatjes]

We all have bad days. But don't doubt yourself, you did the right thing. The relationship can't go anywhere and it's toxic for you. Yesterday I had a bad day but today was pretty good, so you see everyday is a different emotion. Just get through them...your doing great!

[Grapesofwrath]

The emotions just roll in and out like storm clouds. It's an ever-changing situation, until you make your way through. Don't blame yourself. You are actually doing something really loving and nurturing for yourself. It isn't necessary to blame anyone in this situation, certainly not yourself.

 

Keep going with the NC. Each day will bring new feelings. Let them roll through, like storm clouds, and before you know it the sun will shine again.

[Poppy47]

It was an affair.... that's it. End of story, no future so nothing to wait for.

 

Ground Hog Day.

 

Hang in there...

Poppy.

[Ifalltopieces]

Sticking to NC takes great strength and courage. Your not a quitter. If anything, you finally realized that you deserve better and your taking great strides to improve your quality of life.

 

If you would have stuck it out or waited longer, you would be more of a mess and the stackes would have gotten much higher.

 

Be thankful your out. And when you start doubting your decision, think about all the times you hurt.

 

Big hugs

[Dela]

Thank you, girls. I know it was the best decision, byt struggeling with all of the emotions after is a huge deal. It s not enough that u re ****ed up but u have to deal with all of it in the same time u are ****ed up. Man, u have to do everything. U can t catch a break. And they keep coming and coming...

 

I feel for all of u who are NC and also for thise who plan to break it soon.

 

Do it now, it s gonna take some time to recover, it s hard but we r getting thru it. There s no other way, there s no easy way...

 

I m sure no one wants to waste 5-10-15 years as the OW...

 

Thank u girls.

[jenkins95]

Dela

 

Just wanted to send you some support and a big *******hug******* I've read a lot of your posts on this and other threads and have been very impressed with you. Like most of us here, you have made some mistakes, but you are trying to be strong and do the right thing.

 

It's such a horrible situation that we all find ourselves in (yes, we know we only have ourselves to blame, but that knowledge doesn't help!) and the mental football match is just awful. One moment a certain path seems obvious, 24 hours later (or even 24 seconds later!) that path can seem ridiculous and you start to think in the totally opposite direction again. Round and round in circles, doubts, contradictions, hurt, weakness, tears. And no break from the mental anguish - not even for a second. The only escape is sleep - and goodness knows what we dream about! Wow, a clear head - wouldn't it be wonderful? The ability to worry about trivial things, like the weather for a change! you will get there eventually.

 

However we got into the situations we are in (I am the MM) from mistakes we made, weaknesses we have, etc, one thing seems clear from reading these forums and from my own experience - however incredible they can be, however much bliss, excitement, vitality, etc that they bring, affairs almost never work. They start to take more than they give, people become hurt.....and changed. However much we feel that we are in control at the beginning, we inevitably lose that control and end up in a personal hell.

 

You are so brave to initiate NC. Well done. Stick with it! For almost all of us, it ultimately has to be the way to go to get our lives back, even though it will take time and bring so much heartache. In my A, the spectre of NC it is hanging in the background like a cloud, neither of us actually strong enough to do it, but both aware of it. The limbo period just before is also horrible - we kind of still have our drugs for now, but we know the situation is hopeless and that inevitably we will have to give up our toxic support crutch.

 

I think you are amazing Dela. Hang in there. Keep posting. So many people here are thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best!

 

Another hug: *****hug*****

[starglider]

I think that once you make the realization that all of these feelings really aren't about him but about you, then you will be able to make a lot more progress. So far you are doing great, but the odd thing about NC is it initially heightens how much the AP is in your mind. You probably still think of him the last thing before you fall asleep and the first thing when you wake up - then all that time in between. This is what heightens the trauma but there is no way around NC as the first step.

 

Hopefully you'll soon process that this is actually about you and not about him as your second step. Then you really feel like you are making daily strides in your recovery and becoming a stronger person. Until then, it is really addiction management.

 

Stay with it. Good luck.

[Dela]

Dela

 

Just wanted to send you some support and a big *******hug******* I've read a lot of your posts on this and other threads and have been very impressed with you. Like most of us here, you have made some mistakes, but you are trying to be strong and do the right thing.

 

It's such a horrible situation that we all find ourselves in (yes, we know we only have ourselves to blame, but that knowledge doesn't help!) and the mental football match is just awful. One moment a certain path seems obvious, 24 hours later (or even 24 seconds later!) that path can seem ridiculous and you start to think in the totally opposite direction again. Round and round in circles, doubts, contradictions, hurt, weakness, tears. And no break from the mental anguish - not even for a second. The only escape is sleep - and goodness knows what we dream about! Wow, a clear head - wouldn't it be wonderful? The ability to worry about trivial things, like the weather for a change! you will get there eventually.

 

However we got into the situations we are in (I am the MM) from mistakes we made, weaknesses we have, etc, one thing seems clear from reading these forums and from my own experience - however incredible they can be, however much bliss, excitement, vitality, etc that they bring, affairs almost never work. They start to take more than they give, people become hurt.....and changed. However much we feel that we are in control at the beginning, we inevitably lose that control and end up in a personal hell.

 

You are so brave to initiate NC. Well done. Stick with it! For almost all of us, it ultimately has to be the way to go to get our lives back, even though it will take time and bring so much heartache. In my A, the spectre of NC it is hanging in the background like a cloud, neither of us actually strong enough to do it, but both aware of it. The limbo period just before is also horrible - we kind of still have our drugs for now, but we know the situation is hopeless and that inevitably we will have to give up our toxic support crutch.

 

I think you are amazing Dela. Hang in there. Keep posting. So many people here are thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best!

 

Another hug: *****hug*****

 

 

So u are a MM in an A.

 

How does it feel from your side? I only know mine and well, mine sucks.

I have to give up on him because he wasn t going to do anything. that doesn t mean i wanted to. no. i miss him everyday. i would havebeen there for him. i would have waited until he sorts things out and be single and we can be a nomal couple.

 

How do u see your A?

 

Thanks for your post and encouragement. LS has been a great support

[NewLeaf512]

I know you are hurting. You must not let your emotions cloud your brain. Stay NC. Write your feelings here. Hug

[Dela]

I think that once you make the realization that all of these feelings really aren't about him but about you, then you will be able to make a lot more progress. So far you are doing great, but the odd thing about NC is it initially heightens how much the AP is in your mind. You probably still think of him the last thing before you fall asleep and the first thing when you wake up - then all that time in between. This is what heightens the trauma but there is no way around NC as the first step.

 

Hopefully you'll soon process that this is actually about you and not about him as your second step. Then you really feel like you are making daily strides in your recovery and becoming a stronger person. Until then, it is really addiction management.

 

Stay with it. Good luck.

 

 

Thank u. NC is hard. NC breaks u. It s an emotional coma. Some days u ask yourself "what day it is?"...

 

But i think it s a lot less harder than being the OW for ever and feeling this way every minute of the next years.

[Dela]

I know you are hurting. You must not let your emotions cloud your brain. Stay NC. Write your feelings here. Hug

 

 

Thank u so much. U are a great support. Posting here has helped me so much not being tempted to text him.

 

hug

[Dela]

Sticking to NC takes great strength and courage. Your not a quitter. If anything, you finally realized that you deserve better and your taking great strides to improve your quality of life.

 

If you would have stuck it out or waited longer, you would be more of a mess and the stackes would have gotten much higher.

 

Be thankful your out. And when you start doubting your decision, think about all the times you hurt.

 

Big hugs

 

 

Thank you.

 

So when ru going to be next? (NC).

[jenkins95]

Hi Dela

 

Thanks for answering my post directly. I guess it's OK just to reply back on the thread? I'm sure a moderator will tell me if I should be PMing this instead!

 

I am gradually getting my own story together in writing and will post a new thread soon. I therefore won't type it all out here, but just to say that it started as a situation where we were both in relationships - her with a long term BF, me as a MM with several kids including one with special needs. It therefore seemed equal, and neither had any intention of leaving our primary relationship.

 

But, familiar story.....it started off sweet and occasional with no commitments, but we got more and more sucked in, the whole soul-mates thing happened, we couldn't get enough of each other, we stopped being careful about hiding things and.....you guessed it - D-Day happened. Her BF found out and immediately left her.

 

It completely changed the dynamic between us. She was suddenly single, became more needy and had more time on her hands. I felt terribly guilty about causing her to lose her primary relationship, and also am completely uncomfortable keeping her dangling as a single OW, when I feel cannot leave my M, but at the same time feeling I cannot leave her now that she is single. Oh yes! I can be moral now! Where were my morals when we started all this?!

 

Anyway, that was a couple of months ago now, and although that magical connection is still there between us, our meetings now have a context of sadness and hurt and worry about the future. We try to discuss possible solutions, but so far, NC seems the only reasonable way to proceed. But we are both too weak and pathetic to admit or acknowledge it and therefore feel in limbo.

 

So to answer your original question to me about how it feels to be the MM, for me due to my particular circumstances described above, I feel very guilty and uncomfortable keeping her as my OW when she is single, and I never would have started an A with someone single. That's just me - I know other MM are different.

 

Keep the NC going. You are doing great! I would be very grateful if you would read my thread when I eventually post it and give any opinions. There is more to it than the above.

[Dela]

Hi Dela

 

Thanks for answering my post directly. I guess it's OK just to reply back on the thread? I'm sure a moderator will tell me if I should be PMing this instead!

 

I am gradually getting my own story together in writing and will post a new thread soon. I therefore won't type it all out here, but just to say that it started as a situation where we were both in relationships - her with a long term BF, me as a MM with several kids including one with special needs. It therefore seemed equal, and neither had any intention of leaving our primary relationship.

 

But, familiar story.....it started off sweet and occasional with no commitments, but we got more and more sucked in, the whole soul-mates thing happened, we couldn't get enough of each other, we stopped being careful about hiding things and.....you guessed it - D-Day happened. Her BF found out and immediately left her.

 

It completely changed the dynamic between us. She was suddenly single, became more needy and had more time on her hands. I felt terribly guilty about causing her to lose her primary relationship, and also am completely uncomfortable keeping her dangling as a single OW, when I feel cannot leave my M, but at the same time feeling I cannot leave her now that she is single. Oh yes! I can be moral now! Where were my morals when we started all this?!

 

Anyway, that was a couple of months ago now, and although that magical connection is still there between us, our meetings now have a context of sadness and hurt and worry about the future. We try to discuss possible solutions, but so far, NC seems the only reasonable way to proceed. But we are both too weak and pathetic to admit or acknowledge it and therefore feel in limbo.

 

So to answer your original question to me about how it feels to be the MM, for me due to my particular circumstances described above, I feel very guilty and uncomfortable keeping her as my OW when she is single, and I never would have started an A with someone single. That's just me - I know other MM are different.

 

Keep the NC going. You are doing great! I would be very grateful if you would read my thread when I eventually post it and give any opinions. There is more to it than the above.

 

 

believe me, i will read and post. It s nice to have a MM posting here, see the other side of the story.

u sound a bit like mine. he was also feeling guilty about what this A has done to me. our last months were also full of sadness. told him to go counseling. he refused.

well, just because u have an A doesn t really mean u have no morals. we are all altruists when we have to. i would have never pictured myself in this situation. i m very monogamous person, had few relationships, i dreams about kids and house and a dog and all that. but, here i am...

 

i actually wanted my MM to take the decision to break up. but i knew he never will, so in order to free myself and also to hurt him a little (i know he isn t ok as well without me) i did it!!!

 

as a pre advice, to say so, u should be honest with the OW. tell her u can t leave your M if u don t intend to and let her go. it is painful, but it s the right thing to do. this A with u has cost her her relationship, mine a child and my peace of mind. so far, u and my MM haven t lost a damn thing. don t make her lose more.

 

i look forward to read your story. thnks for your post

[cocorico]

As u already know, i ended it with MM 10-11 days ago. Now, since i m in the "healing" process and i have all sort of thing in my head, why do i feel like a quitter? I never quit on things. Myself breaking up with him seems like i quit, i failed. I know it s not the case but still...

 

U also know i broke NC after 4 days because i felt guilty for leaving him.

 

Why does any of my thoughts go to myself (i left him, abandoned him, i quit and failed and so on??)

 

I also wonder : what if i have stayed a little bit more, what if i didn t brrak up, what if if we would get back together etc!

I know he would come back in a heartbeat if i tild him i want this, but i don t and these thought are ****ing up my mind.

 

I can t believe i actually feel this about myself instead of thinking this about him

 

He actually abandoned me and left me by not doing anything at all.

 

It confuses me a lot. This healing process has many traps.

 

Help!!!

 

It's not quitting. It's taking the best course of action for the most sustainable outcome.

 

You weren't happy. Walking away from misery is allowed. There are no prizes for martyrdom.

[jenkins95]

Hi again Dela

 

Thanks again for a lovely message. I feel like a complete b****** and deserve absolutely no sympathy, least of all from any OW, but your message was very kind and made me smile.

 

It's heartbreaking to think what you and my OW have lost and yes, you are right, me and your MM have lost nothing tangible at all. But we have lost in a different way. I am no longer the light, happy-go-lucky person that i once was. I am a miserable, quiet, brooding mess who wakes up in the morning dreading having to face another day and almost unable to look my family members in the eye, let alone concentrate on work (which I should be doing right now!). I am sure your MM feels the same. And we only have ourselves to blame.

 

Of course, this is in a different league to what you have lost - you have all that PLUS the heartbreaking tangible things - your baby and her BF. It's much worse for you, but I only say it to show that even us MMs don't get away scott free.

 

LS is a great support! I have to go now, but will post again tomorrow and hopefully get my own thread started!

 

Thank you again, get through another tough night tonight and start tomorrow another day into NC. We are here for you.

 

Bye until tomorrow.