Long time lurker and I'm three weeks into NC

[Starbright78]

Hi everyone, I have been lurking here for a while and really understood where a lot of you were coming from with your fears and questions being an OW. It's like the story is the same just with different players. My story... I am a MW that was involved with a MM I met on a website. Our affair lasted two years. We had such chemistry like I hadn't felt in years. After we had been together a few months, we talked about having a monogamous affair which I believed was possible... Or so I thought. He claimed he wasn't having sex with the wife and what I was getting at home just wasn't satisfying. I talked to my H multiple times but it did no good. I thought this would be the perfect arrangement but was so naive to believe so. After multiple times of catching the MM 'advertising' himself on Ashley Madison while we were suppose to be monogamous I finally ended it. We live in a small area so it was easy to guess it was him. I even went as far as making a fake account and asking for his pictures so I knew for sure it was him and I was right. I started to get the jealous feelings and hated feeling like that that so I wrote a long message to him and told him I knew he was back on AM and I was ending it and sent it to him three weeks ago to which he didn't even respond that he was sorry. At first I felt empowered and free to be out of the tangled mess but even after three weeks I miss him and don't understand why. I know I did what was best by ending it but it's still hurting day in and day out. I didn't love him but cared for him and miss just the daily banter we had. I feel like a fool who thought there was something special. I deleted the app that we used to message back and forth and told him I was in the email I sent but kept the profile on AM. I saw today that he is back on there again and kept the same username so he doesn't care if I see it. That was my final kick knowing there wouldn't be any apology from him and he will move on to someone else. I guess I have been keeping hope that he would miss me and come back saying how sorry he was. I'm sad tonight and feel stupid for feeling that way.

[Starbright78]

True..But my H has not been an angel during our marriage. I forgave for all the slip ups he had and now am getting the short end of the stick. Not saying what I expected was right, but at the time it did because of the decision the MM and I made together.

[Starbright78]

A little support would be helpful. Seriously!

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I almost wished I hadn't posted it after I read the first response but have nobody else to share my thoughts with. I thought I could get my feelings out here, safely.

[SycamoreCircle]

I don't feel you're focusing on the right things, OP. You're very confused and vulnerable, which is understandable. But I think it goes beyond not having a satisfying relationship with your husband. I think the problem lies in you. Or...the part of the problem that you CAN and SHOULD deal with.

 

Unfortunately, it just doesn't sound like you have the maturity to be in a marriage.

 

My advice is forget completely this affair partner and focus on ending your marriage in as civil and honest a way as you can muster. You deserve that and your husband deserves that.

 

I hope you find greater accord in your life.

[mysterywoman]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I almost wished I hadn't posted it after I read the first response but have nobody else to share my thoughts with. I thought I could get my feelings out here, safely.

 

I thought the same thing when I first posted something similar to yours...

 

 

Be careful there are some people on here with who instead of help, tear you down.

 

 

Then there are some really helpful supportive people on here as well! Listen to them, not the other negative ones.

[mysterywoman]

I don't feel you're focusing on the right things, OP. You're very confused and vulnerable, which is understandable. But I think it goes beyond not having a satisfying relationship with your husband. I think the problem lies in you. Or...the part of the problem that you CAN and SHOULD deal with.

 

Unfortunately, it just doesn't sound like you have the maturity to be in a marriage.

 

My advice is forget completely this affair partner and focus on ending your marriage in as civil and honest a way as you can muster. You deserve that and your husband deserves that.

 

I hope you find greater accord in your life.

 

 

How can you say that? You don't know the whole story!

[mysterywoman]

Hi everyone, I have been lurking here for a while and really understood where a lot of you were coming from with your fears and questions being an OW. It's like the story is the same just with different players. My story... I am a MW that was involved with a MM I met on a website. Our affair lasted two years. We had such chemistry like I hadn't felt in years. After we had been together a few months, we talked about having a monogamous affair which I believed was possible... Or so I thought. He claimed he wasn't having sex with the wife and what I was getting at home just wasn't satisfying. I talked to my H multiple times but it did no good. I thought this would be the perfect arrangement but was so naive to believe so. After multiple times of catching the MM 'advertising' himself on Ashley Madison while we were suppose to be monogamous I finally ended it. We live in a small area so it was easy to guess it was him. I even went as far as making a fake account and asking for his pictures so I knew for sure it was him and I was right. I started to get the jealous feelings and hated feeling like that that so I wrote a long message to him and told him I knew he was back on AM and I was ending it and sent it to him three weeks ago to which he didn't even respond that he was sorry. At first I felt empowered and free to be out of the tangled mess but even after three weeks I miss him and don't understand why. I know I did what was best by ending it but it's still hurting day in and day out. I didn't love him but cared for him and miss just the daily banter we had. I feel like a fool who thought there was something special. I deleted the app that we used to message back and forth and told him I was in the email I sent but kept the profile on AM. I saw today that he is back on there again and kept the same username so he doesn't care if I see it. That was my final kick knowing there wouldn't be any apology from him and he will move on to someone else. I guess I have been keeping hope that he would miss me and come back saying how sorry he was. I'm sad tonight and feel stupid for feeling that way.

 

You cant disguise yourself on AM, because if you've already contacted that member and you create a different profile to try to catch them, when they send you a message it doesn't cost them any more credits after that. At least that's what my 'ex MM told me. he said he always knew it was me.

[Dela]

Beware of the wives/xwives. They are meeeean )

 

I think u have these feelings because u got used to him and the attention.

U needed something to believe in, maybe u don t believe in ur marriage or in yourself lately.

What u feel is normal and it will pass. Work on yourself and see what s actually missing from inside of you.

[Starbright78]

You cant disguise yourself on AM, because if you've already contacted that member and you create a different profile to try to catch them, when they send you a message it doesn't cost them any more credits after that. At least that's what my 'ex MM told me. he said he always knew it was me.

 

That's true. Every time I felt something was 'off' with us, I just made a new one so there hadn't been any previous contact from that account. He had no clue. It was a cycle of me knowing he was there, I'd confront him and he'd give a really good excuse and I fell for it. This time he actually became a paid member again so there wasn't any excuse he could give me that would explain it away.

[mysterywoman]

That's true. Every time I felt something was 'off' with us, I just made a new one so there hadn't been any previous contact from that account. He had no clue. It was a cycle of me knowing he was there, I'd confront him and he'd give a really good excuse and I fell for it. This time he actually became a paid member again so there wasn't any excuse he could give me that would explain it away.

 

 

Even so, the new profile was still 'you' whether you changed your profile or not. He explained it to me...AM uses a number system so even if you change your profile...its still you...my ex was a computer wiz...he knew it was you.

 

 

Mine said his profile was not active. Then I asked him if he was nervous about the security breach on AM, a day later poof his profile was gone.

Maybe he will be back under a different name who knows?

[mysterywoman]

That's true. Every time I felt something was 'off' with us, I just made a new one so there hadn't been any previous contact from that account. He had no clue. It was a cycle of me knowing he was there, I'd confront him and he'd give a really good excuse and I fell for it. This time he actually became a paid member again so there wasn't any excuse he could give me that would explain it away.

 

 

Did he actually end your affair by saying goodbye, this is over?

[Starbright78]

Even so, the new profile was still 'you' whether you changed your profile or not. He explained it to me...AM uses a number system so even if you change your profile...its still you...my ex was a computer wiz...he knew it was you.

 

 

Mine said his profile was not active. Then I asked him if he was nervous about the security breach on AM, a day later poof his profile was gone.

Maybe he will be back under a different name who knows?

 

Even if you deleted the account and months later made a completely new one and used a different email?

[Starbright78]

Did he actually end your affair by saying goodbye, this is over?

 

I ended it by saying goodbye and told him what I knew, he never responded and it's been three weeks.

[mysterywoman]

Even if you deleted the account and months later made a completely new one and used a different email?

 

 

Not sure how it works... maybe not if you do that. Did you write same age and info? He may have had an idea...but then again maybe not.

[mysterywoman]

I ended it by saying goodbye and told him what I knew, he never responded and it's been three weeks.

 

 

Sorry. I don't know what to say, but maybe its for the best. Probably not what you want to hear. Do you have children, how long married?

[Starbright78]

I know it is and I don't regret ending it. I guess it's just the shock of not even a sorry from him. Two years and he can just walk away without a word. One kid, married for 15 yrs. My H is a good man ( his wandering eye has stopped) and is my best friend... It's just not happening in the sex department. Also, that feeling of someone paying attention to you, the newness was intoxicating and it sucked me in.

[Lurkeraspect]

A little support would be helpful. Seriously!

 

Sometimes people need handholding and sometimes people need a perspective they hadn't thought of or considered. Expecting monogamy from a mm you met on a site devoted to having an affair, then getting hurt that he's less than honest and trolling for other women is sad and naive at best. Thing is, when you post on a public forum with thousands of members, you're going to get a vast array of opinions and advice.

 

Good luck, OP.

[Starbright78]

Sometimes people need handholding and sometimes people need a perspective they hadn't thought of or considered. Expecting monogamy from a mm you met on a site devoted to having an affair, then getting hurt that he's less than honest and trolling for other women is sad and naive at best. Thing is, when you post on a public forum with thousands of members, you're going to get a vast array of opinions and advice.

 

Good luck, OP.[/quote

 

I understand what you are saying. It was VERY naive to expect it from him now that I'm out of it. I guess I looked at it like I was satisfied with what we had and did not want another person so why couldn't the other person be as well and the arrangement we decided on be actually be doable. I don't even know how else to explain it. When you are in the thick of it all, you can convince yourself that you both are good people that didn't want the marriages to end for various reasons but thought this would be a good outlet to share.

[SycamoreCircle]

How can you say that? You don't know the whole story!

I'm not sure what "that" you're referring to. Maybe all of it. In any event, I don't think coddling the OP into believing the OM is somehow going to rescue her or that the OM is somehow even a concern is helpful. But whatever...the truth is never easy.

[Minnie09]

What does monogamous affair mean? No sex with spouses, or just no other affair? I think he didn't like it that you didn't "trust" him (as ridiculous as it may sound in this context), and that you resorted to spy on him through fake identities on the website. That might have turned him off. Maybe if you'd tried a different approach, like discussing the situation openly with him, and honestly, he would have had a better reaction?

[Starbright78]

There was to be no other affair while we were seeing each other. I'm sure it ticked him off that I did that. I just didn't see any way of having a conversation about it unless I exposed how I found out to begin with. Besides, we had numerous other conversations about it before and he knew my stance and swore he wasn't looking on there. I felt him starting to pull away and got curious, logged on and there he was. I knew about it for two weeks before I said anything but once he went from a free account to a paid, I knew he wasn't being honest anymore.

[Josmatjes]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but unfortunately he sounds like a serial cheater who just moves on when necessary. I know you have deep emotions about this and your hurt, which is understandable. But keep in mind that AM is a cheating website. They aren't looking for a commitment, that's exactly what they don't want. But we are women and we have more feelings about the whole thing.

I think you need to just write him off at this point....I'm sorry

[Grapesofwrath]

It sounds to me that what you were seeking in your A was not in alignment with what your xMM was seeking. It seems that you are looking for connection and intimacy with someone, and he isn't seeking the same. This is a difficult problem, as one hopes to find those things in the marriage, not outside of it. If one thinks that the AP can provide it, it hurts again to find that this is not the case and you are still alone, emotionally.

 

I think you are better off moving on from this xMM and finding another way to get your emotional needs met. If your husband is unable or unwilling to meet them, then you will be faced with some difficult choices.

[Starbright78]

I know. You are all right and that's why I ended it. Maybe I miss the connection more than it actually being him that I miss. I just keep replaying things in my head and just can't fathom that two years was an absolute lie on his end. I just keep trudging forward, hoping it gets easier.

[NewLeaf512]

As an exOW (which I hope you will join this club forever soon), I can say this. Most AP happen into A with people they already know, from work or activities or social groups, seems to be work is a particular place because of closeness perhaps while working on a project.

 

 

I don't think I've ever known anyone who sought out to have an A by joining a site that is expressly made for this purpose. I am not condemning you, but merely pointing out was at that moment, when you joined, you knew what you were doing. You were seeking out an A with a man who was likely M. What type of man would you believe you would find there? Obviously a M man who was looking for an A (which if nothing else is NOT being monogamous) and a man who was prepared to lie and sneak around behind his W's back to have an A (most likely just for sex). I know you are hurting and confused, but why would you expect truth from anyone of the men signed up to AM? This was only going to end in heartbreak for you.

 

 

At some point during your A you wanted more than WS was willing to give. You asked for what you wanted. MM lied. You tried again. He lied. You tried again and MM lied. You sent him an email ending everything, and the email accomplished that. It's Over. You may kind of be NC because you signed back on a few times to catch MM so he is, in effect, ignoring you and has you on NC.

 

 

My ExMM did the same to me. exMM was divorcing. He had hired a lawyer, told his parents, etc. exMM acted like a bum to me. I said if he didn't stop I was going to tell BW about our A. He told his wife about the A, I called him to say what's happened exMM told me that he told her everything, hung up on me and I have not heard from exMM since. Also I have not stalked or harassed exMM so I have been NC on my side too.

(there is a weird legal exception but not germane here)

 

 

What YOU need to do for YOU to get to feeling better and get happy and fulfilled is ask yourself what was missing from your life that you would actively seek to do this. I know you are in pain. Things get easier and then you have a bad day but you must address this issue at its core to make the rest of your life authentic and good.