Author Starbright78 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 What YOU need to do for YOU to get to feeling better and get happy and fulfilled is ask yourself what was missing from your life that you would actively seek to do this. I know you are in pain. Things get easier and then you have a bad day but you must address this issue at its core to make the rest of your life authentic and good. When I first went on the website, it was more curiosity, I was bored with life I guess. I had no intentions of anything happening. Then I actually had a few conversations with someone and it went from there. Not my proudest moment for sure. I thought it would just be a fun thing that was just mine... I wasn't a mom or a wife. Just me. I felt different, sad I know. Then things started getting real. Now I wish I could turn back time. It was dumb to believe the person on the other end when he told me he was trying to find something special with just one person was actually being truthful. I fell for it hook line and sinker. As far as addressing what I'm missing, I don't even know how to get there with myself but I know I want to be happy again and have a day where I'm not bogged down with thoughts of what I've done. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 When I first went on the website, it was more curiosity, I was bored with life I guess. I had no intentions of anything happening. Then I actually had a few conversations with someone and it went from there. Not my proudest moment for sure. I thought it would just be a fun thing that was just mine... I wasn't a mom or a wife. Just me. I felt different, sad I know. Then things started getting real. Now I wish I could turn back time. It was dumb to believe the person on the other end when he told me he was trying to find something special with just one person was actually being truthful. I fell for it hook line and sinker. As far as addressing what I'm missing, I don't even know how to get there with myself but I know I want to be happy again and have a day where I'm not bogged down with thoughts of what I've done. Thanks for replying to my post. I am a single exOW as well. are you able to afford therapy? I've been going and started actually before Dday. There was a lot missing from my life that I couldn't/ did not want to face. I threw myself into work and was hugely successful, but had not gone on holiday in nearly 3 years. the workaholism was a symptom of me trying to distract myself from dealing with my issues: being raised by a Borderline mother and not coping with the death of my H. I had neglected my emotional health for so long, that I felt (and kind of wanted to be invisible) I isolated myself when what I really needed was human contact, by first re-establishing my peer group, and then maybe trying to date again after years of being alone. I didn't do that. exMM had been a friend for years (safe) tells all and Sundry he's separated. I believe it. He shows me attention, which is amazing and then I find out 6 months ish later he's married. I stopped the physical abut he EA carried on. Why did I do that to me, why to exMM family? I believed the future faking. I wanted/needed t. like you I am filled with shame. We cant take it back now. But what we can do is work on ourselves to fix whatever is damaged within ourselves that led us to thin on any level that being in an A was ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
unluckycharms Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm sorry to hear about that but I hope you stay strong. I'm in the process of trying to go no contact and have failed miserably so far and I find posts like these inspiring. Mine also claims not to have sex with his wife and even though I know deep down that it's almost definitely a lie, I think I let myself wallow in denial and believe it because I don't want to face reality yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm sorry to hear about that but I hope you stay strong. I'm in the process of trying to go no contact and have failed miserably so far and I find posts like these inspiring. Mine also claims not to have sex with his wife and even though I know deep down that it's almost definitely a lie, I think I let myself wallow in denial and believe it because I don't want to face reality yet. I didn't want to face reality either but eventually you have to with the MM. It's painful to end but I have to keep thinking to myself it will be better for me in the long run. It's the flashback of memories of better times that get to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Jasmine1234 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Hi Starbright - I am in a very similar position to you, although I have been NC for almost 3 mos. I am a MOW who had an affair with a MOM for almost 1 year, on and off. Mine completely caught me off guard. He is someone I "dated" about 20 years ago and he found me on-line and we started chatting, etc. He pursued me HARD until I finally agreed to having the affair, and then he started with the push/pull thing. He started doing the fade away and I let it be, even though it's been really hard. He's popping up less and less in my thoughts, but it's still so annoying that he's not gone completely. It's not like a normal breakup where you can be out in the open, grieve, and then move on. It seems to drag on longer because you can't talk to anyone about it or go through the stages in the open. I got addicted to the daily chats and attention, and then it just stopped. Right or wrong, I feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Almost 4 weeks out and he decides to text me how pissed he is that I checked up on him on the AM website. Seriously?! How about our arrangement that we were only seeing each other but you paid for a membership on there and put a profile up that you were looking for one person to fill the void. Seriously! What does he expect me to say, I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Almost 4 weeks out and he decides to text me how pissed he is that I checked up on him on the AM website. Seriously?! How about our arrangement that we were only seeing each other but you paid for a membership on there and put a profile up that you were looking for one person to fill the void. Seriously! What does he expect me to say, I'm sorry. You don't owe him anything, so my best advice is to just ignore the message and leave him alone. Listen, I'm not one of those posters that says sorry for your pain, but I won't beat you up either. Your approaching the stage where you are going to have to figure out what you want. Your AP is not a viable option because he is unwilling to give you what you want. Because of this, you have a few choices. First, you can try to work things out with your husband. In my opinion, this can only be done one way and that is by being honest about everything. Second, you can divorce, so both of you can find my compatible partners. Obviously your husband isn't meeting isn't meeting your needs and whats been going on isn't fair to him, so maybe calling it quits might be whats best for everyone involved. Third, you will possibly engage in another affair. Not saying that you will, but it is a possibility. Right now, you are in a state of limbo. However, that is not sustainable in the long term. I don't mean to be pushy, but pretty soon you are going to have to make a choice as to where you want to go. Lastly, if you don't mind me asking, you mentioned in your first post that you have overlooked a few things your husband has done. Has he had affairs of his own? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 You don't owe him anything, so my best advice is to just ignore the message and leave him alone. Listen, I'm not one of those posters that says sorry for your pain, but I won't beat you up either. Your approaching the stage where you are going to have to figure out what you want. Your AP is not a viable option because he is unwilling to give you what you want. Because of this, you have a few choices. First, you can try to work things out with your husband. In my opinion, this can only be done one way and that is by being honest about everything. Second, you can divorce, so both of you can find my compatible partners. Obviously your husband isn't meeting isn't meeting your needs and whats been going on isn't fair to him, so maybe calling it quits might be whats best for everyone involved. Third, you will possibly engage in another affair. Not saying that you will, but it is a possibility. Right now, you are in a state of limbo. However, that is not sustainable in the long term. I don't mean to be pushy, but pretty soon you are going to have to make a choice as to where you want to go. Lastly, if you don't mind me asking, you mentioned in your first post that you have overlooked a few things your husband has done. Has he had affairs of his own? I know I am done with the AP. I haven't responded to the text and kept NC. It just amazes me that he can be mad at me for catching him instead of being mad at himself for being stupid. As far as my H, he is a good man who wants nothing for the best for me and is completely in love with me. Which makes what I done even worse. He did have affairs, many of them. I got to the point that I didn't care anymore and just turned my head because I didn't want a divorce. I wanted my kids to have both of their parents unlike either of us. Now he is faithful to me and no longer has the wandering eye, it's me that stepped out. I wish and want to get the feelings I had back for my H before he started his mess.. I just don't know how at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 I thought once I got through the first month that I would feel so much better but in truth, the last month seems like a breeze compared to the last week or so. I read stories on here about people who seemed to be deeply in love and are in NC and in such pain and really thought mine would be easier because it wasn't love or future faking involved. I've been dreaming about him which in turns makes me think of him as soon as I wake up. I should be so mad at him and want nothing to do with him so I don't understand why I'm so down. Maybe because I have been sick with a nasty sinus infection or maybe just feeling sorry for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 I thought once I got through the first month that I would feel so much better but in truth, the last month seems like a breeze compared to the last week or so. I read stories on here about people who seemed to be deeply in love and are in NC and in such pain and really thought mine would be easier because it wasn't love or future faking involved. I've been dreaming about him which in turns makes me think of him as soon as I wake up. I should be so mad at him and want nothing to do with him so I don't understand why I'm so down. Maybe because I have been sick with a nasty sinus infection or maybe just feeling sorry for myself. So was your A just sex for you? Are you married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 So was your A just sex for you? Are you married? It wasn't just sex, we had a 2 yr affair with contact everyday and I cared about him. We are both married, but never talked about feelings or anything towards each other. We just enjoyed each other's company. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 It wasn't just sex, we had a 2 yr affair with contact everyday and I cared about him. We are both married, but never talked about feelings or anything towards each other. We just enjoyed each other's company. If you cared about him, I don't understand why you think it would be easier to get over than other people who've had an A? You don't have to answer this if it's too personal, but did you two have sex or was it just an EA? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 If you cared about him, I don't understand why you think it would be easier to get over than other people who've had an A? You don't have to answer this if it's too personal, but did you two have sex or was it just an EA? I guess because there was never any thought we'd be together one day, we never exchanged I love you's or anything like that. I thought the attachment would be less than an affair with AP's who plans future together. I understand if it sounds crazy. It was sexual, probably every other week for the whole two years. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 I guess because there was never any thought we'd be together one day, we never exchanged I love you's or anything like that. I thought the attachment would be less than an affair with AP's who plans future together. I understand if it sounds crazy. It was sexual, probably every other week for the whole two years. Interesting. It's possible that you and/or he were kidding yourselves in thinking that the attachment was not growing. You may not have been aware of it, especially since this was a newly experienced situation. It's also possible that you are just simply missing the things provided to you in the A now. Like feeling the void of those things being gone from your life again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 It's also possible that you are just simply missing the things provided to you in the A now. Like feeling the void of those things being gone from your life again. I do wonder if that's it. The good morning texts and our daily conversations were hard to get used to not getting the first weeks, I felt lost. it's gotten better though. Our affair ended in a bad way and he is mad at me so it's helped that I am 100% positive he won't reach out to me again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I do wonder if that's it. The good morning texts and our daily conversations were hard to get used to not getting the first weeks, I felt lost. it's gotten better though. Our affair ended in a bad way and he is mad at me so it's helped that I am 100% positive he won't reach out to me again. I said this the other day that I feel like a NC fake. Is easy because it ended in a catastrophe without me receiving an explanation or apologie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright78 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 I said this the other day that I feel like a NC fake. Is easy because it ended in a catastrophe without me receiving an explanation or apologie. I'm the one that actually ended it with him. I know it was for the best but it doesn't make this any easier. I've been reading your posts... I hope it gets easier New Leaf. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I am six or seven days in i lost track. I feel really off....as much as I should hate her I don't but I won't reach out either. Glad I don't have to operate any heavy equipment....it's gotta get better than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Star bright, My A was the exact same as yours. 2 years with no future faking, etc. Heck, we never said any I love yous too. But strangely I never thought that it'll be easier to get through as compared to affairs with promises and future in mind. It was extremely hard for me especially the first couple of months. For 2 years straight it was morning till evening texting, almost daily meet ups (except for weekends) and sex at least once a week. All I can say is I cared deeply for my xMM and he was very good to me. But it is getting better, and I am starting to see a life without him (despite the occasional triggers which gives me a pang to my heart. I miss him.) I'm happy you're taking things in stride! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 It takes everyone a different period of time. I find the greatest temptation is to look at his FB. If I do there is always a cryptic message aimed at me. In a way it makes me happy. Then I see how happy he appears to be and that makes me sad. The last time I looked, he was playing the patriach with pics of children and grandchildren. I thought..."if only they knew what you were doing for 7 years with me". Poppy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shinebrightforever Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I have been NC too...(beside an unexpected run in with each other), and I can relate that there are times you feel you're going backwards in the healing. Did something trigger you? Last night a song triggered me, I had a wave of nausea hit...and in general, it made the whole day tougher. Keep going, the hard days will lessen and the good days will increase. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Dutchman, that was unnecessary flaming. Please stay away from reading and commenting on OP posts if they make you upset. I am sure this person DOES hurt for her husband but she is also grieving the loss of someone else she had feelings for. It's complicated. Please hang in there, hun. I don't know what to tell you as I don't know when it gets better. I suppose this probably varies for different people but it MUST get better at some stage. If you've ever had another relationship in your life end (and I assume you have) you know that it gets better with time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 [quote=lemondrop21;6495327. I am Sure this person DOES hurt for her husband but she is also grieving the loss of someone else she had feelings for. It's complicated. Please hang in there, hun.[/quote It was not my intention to flame, but when I read the thread a cold shivering went on my back. How are you sure when OP writes not a word about how conflicted she is and how bad she feels for her H ?. You're right though for trying to give comfort and maybe guidance, I respect you for this. In this case I do not regret my thoughts and feelings, but my response on " paper". Falling in love with someone who is not your H is complicated enough, not being honest to your H and deceiving is beyond complicated. Dutchman 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 [quote=lemondrop21;6495327. I am Sure this person DOES hurt for her husband but she is also grieving the loss of someone else she had feelings for. It's complicated. Please hang in there, hun.[/quote It was not my intention to flame, but when I read the thread a cold shivering went on my back. How are you sure when OP writes not a word about how conflicted she is and how bad she feels for her H ?. You're right though for trying to give comfort and maybe guidance, I respect you for this. In this case I do not regret my thoughts and feelings, but my response on " paper". Falling in love with someone who is not your H is complicated enough, not being honest to your H and deceiving is beyond complicated. Dutchman 1 Thank you for your comments, Dutchman. I respect you for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 No contact is about two things, and two things only: 1. It protects you from further hurt. 2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex. Thats all it is, and all it does. In itself, it does no healing, but it does set a condition conducive to healing. NC is only the beginning of recovery. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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