if he hates his bw

[norudder]

Is 'getting the guy' all that matters? Would you care how his m ended (who filed) and how he would feel about his ex?

 

It used to be he loved both of us. Last I spoke to him he said I'm the only one he loves still the last one he's been with and he's "on his way out". He said he doesn't know how a marriage started with someone you were in love with turned into roommates with someone you despise.

 

Now to me, its all just words. However having been through divorce I do know its not a decision you can force someone to be ready for. He may still never do anything. Reasons for affair aside, he's not there.

 

Even though my D was amicable there was a period of hostility as a kind of self defense. I had to process the pain. Its a process. So I kind of understand. I also know I wouldn't have dated myself at that time.

 

But if he did divorce, compatability issues as single people would be looked at, character issues would be looked at. But in that vein if he still hated her I don't think I would want to date him. It's a red flag for the single guys I date, it would be for him too. Hate is still a strong emotion keeping a bond to let affect you. Might as well still love the person. How can you fully love if you harbor hate?

Thoughts?

 

I realize I'd be asking too much he's nowhere near able to give.

Edited July 29, 2015 by norudder

[Cymbeline]

You have answered your own question. I wonder if the competitive element of 'getting the guy' is influencing you at all since you seem to inderstand all too clearly the likely consequences.

 

To me, from the outside, his words and attitude are more than a bit nauseating.

[starglider]

Norudder

 

This triangulation with the OW you experience and the competitiveness you feel in the scenario (indeed even putting yourself into this equation) is a serious issue and this is something that will affect your children too, sadly, if you don't make it a top priority.

 

Freudians would call it repetition compulsion. You keep reliving an early childhood trauma or an unhealthy dynamic in your family of origin.

 

It is painful and confusing to live life like this. Your user name says it all. You can heal this though. Please consider getting professional help for it. If IC is not possible, then 12 step programs like Love Addicts Anonymous are prepared to help deal with the specifics of triangulation.

 

You deserve a life free from this pain. You can break the mold before your kids perpetuate it too. I've been there myself so I have a lot of sympathy for you.

[NewLeaf512]

throughout most of my A then EA my exMM never spoke or mentioned BW. towards the end when exMM actually started taking steps to divorce, he still seldom spoke of BW but did refer to her in the strongest sense as "sick and controlling" the other things ExMM said were "matronly" "Possessive" "overly needy" Many people who I know who know BW quite well have referred to BW as "needy" but I cant know if this was the case. ExMM never once said he hated BW. Hate is a pretty strong word/feeling to my mind. Someone would have to do something pretty horrific to me to make me hate them. I could understand if BW hated me for example. I am pretty close to hate for exMM. Perhaps more context is needed.

[norudder]

Norudder

 

This triangulation with the OW you experience and the competitiveness you feel in the scenario (indeed even putting yourself into this equation) is a serious issue and this is something that will affect your children too, sadly, if you don't make it a top priority.

 

Freudians would call it repetition compulsion. You keep reliving an early childhood trauma or an unhealthy dynamic in your family of origin.

 

It is painful and confusing to live life like this. Your user name says it all. You can heal this though. Please consider getting professional help for it. If IC is not possible, then 12 step programs like Love Addicts Anonymous are prepared to help deal with the specifics of triangulation.

 

You deserve a life free from this pain. You can break the mold before your kids perpetuate it too. I've been there myself so I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Your insights are good and I've been getting my direction. And doing counseling. I've been getting distance and perspective slowly but surely. I still come here to air my darker thoughts and feelings though. It helps bringing light onto them and reframe rather than kid myself I don't have them. I am acutley aware of who and what I will expose my girls to in my relationships.

 

Part of me is having a hard time because I feel like if I'm finding my way why can't/won't he. I have this urge to turn him into the guy I want him to be. To guide him to be better. But that's an issue of me needing to let go and not just in the sense of getting over him. He is concerned about being a "good person" but seems clueless about actions/words. His ethics are situational. I was talking with therapist about cognitive dissonance and how when things aren't working in life we modify our behavior or our values. I modified my behavior, he modified his values. I have an update on the ow not sure if I should put it here, might update other thread.

[norudder]

Norudder

 

This triangulation with the OW you experience and the competitiveness you feel in the scenario (indeed even putting yourself into this equation) is a serious issue and this is something that will affect your children too, sadly, if you don't make it a top priority.

 

Freudians would call it repetition compulsion. You keep reliving an early childhood trauma or an unhealthy dynamic in your family of origin.

 

It is painful and confusing to live life like this. Your user name says it all. You can heal this though. Please consider getting professional help for it. If IC is not possible, then 12 step programs like Love Addicts Anonymous are prepared to help deal with the specifics of triangulation.

 

You deserve a life free from this pain. You can break the mold before your kids perpetuate it too. I've been there myself so I have a lot of sympathy for you.

 

Another thing that's interesting to me is how this situation has played out in my sexual psyche. The triangulation fantasies no longer do it for me. He is less and less the focus of my desire.

[Hope Shimmers]

My question to you is, why do you want a man that could tell ANYONE that he 'hates' his wife?

 

1) This takes his actions to a whole other realm of 'disrespectful'. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

2) He is lying through his teeth.

 

Oh, and

 

3) If you were to end up with this guy, in a few weeks/months/years YOU would be the one he was saying that about, to some other OW.

 

Just yuck

[elaine567]

Oh, and

 

3) If you were to end up with this guy, in a few weeks/months/years YOU would be the one he was saying that about, to some other OW.

 

Just yuck

 

Yes, that is the worry.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You make s great point! I have several single friends who this is a "no go" on their list no matter what! One guys ex was in the hospital with a brain tumor and he said, "I hope she dies!" Yep they had a daughter together!

[norudder]

My question to you is, why do you want a man that could tell ANYONE that he 'hates' his wife?

 

1) This takes his actions to a whole other realm of 'disrespectful'. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

2) He is lying through his teeth.

 

Oh, and

 

3) If you were to end up with this guy, in a few weeks/months/years YOU would be the one he was saying that about, to some other OW.

 

Just yuck

 

I hear you. Just to play devils advocate, why assume he's lying? You don't think people stay in dysfunctional marriages with spouses they can't stand because of fear comfort etc? I don't think its right to stay in that circumstance (obviously, I got D) it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

 

And glass houses- why would he want to be with me? A woman who cheated on her h and divorced him when he had no job and broke up the home of her two young kids.

 

I agree saying he hates her is disrespectful. Even when I was angry I never despised my exh.

[MissBee]

My question to you is, why do you want a man that could tell ANYONE that he 'hates' his wife?

 

1) This takes his actions to a whole other realm of 'disrespectful'. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

2) He is lying through his teeth.

 

Oh, and

 

3) If you were to end up with this guy, in a few weeks/months/years YOU would be the one he was saying that about, to some other OW.

 

Just yuck

 

Not to mention, based on your other thread, he already has an OOW.

 

At this point it's beyond red flags.

 

I don't think it matters if he divorces or not. You'll never be secure and satisfied even if you end up with this guy. You already have too many questions, suspicions, insecurities and things you don't like but are trying to somehow see the good in, that spells trouble.

[Hope Shimmers]

I hear you. Just to play devils advocate, why assume he's lying? You don't think people stay in dysfunctional marriages with spouses they can't stand because of fear comfort etc? I don't think its right to stay in that circumstance (obviously, I got D) it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

 

And glass houses- why would he want to be with me? A woman who cheated on her h and divorced him when he had no job and broke up the home of her two young kids.

 

I agree saying he hates her is disrespectful. Even when I was angry I never despised my exh.

 

Why assume he's lying? Because he's so vocal and vehement about it. And also because what you already pointed out, hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is the opposite of love. So even if HE thinks he hates her, there is emotion there.

 

Glass houses? Well, there you have a point.

 

I just think it's a special kind of disrespect to say that about your spouse, even if it is true. It speaks volumes about his character (or lack thereof).

 

Not to mention, based on your other thread, he already has an OOW.

 

So I'll change what I said to 'OOOW'.

 

Wow... run, norudder.