Girlfriend 'cheated' before becoming offical

[mightycpa]

So, I've been together with my girlfriend for over a month now, we have been dating for about 2.5 months. It already was clear pretty quickly on that we were very into each other and we even in a way said that we'd be exclusive (did not 100% say it like that, but I assumed we both understood it). However, a week after we make this agreement, and a couple weeks before we became official, she kissed someone else. She wanted to tell me the day after it happened, since she felt very guilty about it, but didn't, since she was afraid of my reaction.

 

Now however, she has finally revealed it. I got quite upset about it, as in my book I consider it cheating, since even though we were not official yet, we both knew we were in a way bf/gf. She however is very regretful, and I agree that it is something out of the ordinary for her to do. She agreed to completely block this other guy out of her life (we had a few discussions about him in the past, used to be someone she dated, but I always trusted her when she said he was just a good friend. Even though he still wanted her, she said she was not interested at all).

 

Anyone has any advice on this? I think I do can trust her again, but atm my rage about is is only increasing, even though she has told me about a week ago now.

 

Timeline in months:

 

|-------------------------1.5----------------|

 

.^.................................................................... you start dating

 

.............^........................................................ you make some half-ass agreement about unofficial exclusivity

 

..........................^........................................... she kisses another guy anyway

 

......................................^............................... you became official

 

...........................................................^.......... you find out about it

 

And you're angry?

 

Please. Stop being angry. Decide that you can live with it, or that you can't. Act accordingly. Life is too short.

[Chi townD]

Actually there could be a variety of reasons for that. Maybe she saw that he was hurt and felt guilty for the hurt. maybe she is one of those women who takes on the blame every time anyone around her is upset. maybe she wanted to keep the peace. None of us know.

 

So how far in is cheating considered cheating? I mean, if I have a couple of dates and kiss and then go out with someone else, am I now an adulteress. And does that work for the guy too?

 

One of the most prolific and oft-cited experts in this field says dating is an interview process, and it is not cheating/adultery if there is no marriage. I wouldn't go THAT far. But let's get real. In an adult relationship, 4 weeks is barely a relationship and 2 1/2 months is early in a relationship. I don't multidate, never did. But apparently that is the trend, so if you've only known each other a few weeks, it is unlikely everyone is exclusive.

 

I agree with a lot of what you said. And I was also never a multidater myself. So, maybe that's why this all doesn't make a lot of sense to me. And if I'm not mistaken, OP wrote that she felt guilty right after this happened. Not before she saw how much it hurt him.

 

 

But, I also agree that this is even barely a relationship and they are not on the same page. If she believes in multidating and he believes in being exclusive, then perhaps it's best that they go their separate ways before they get too much more invested in each other.

[Methodical]

Timeline in months:

 

|-------------------------1.5----------------|

 

.^.................................................................... you start dating

 

.............^........................................................ you make some half-ass agreement about unofficial exclusivity

 

..........................^........................................... she kisses another guy anyway

 

......................................^............................... you became official

 

...........................................................^.......... you find out about it

 

And you're angry?

 

Please. Stop being angry. Decide that you can live with it, or that you can't. Act accordingly. Life is too short.

 

Love the graph!! Shows very clear plot points. Nicely done

 

But, I also agree that this is even barely a relationship and they are not on the same page. If she believes in multidating and he believes in being exclusive, then perhaps it's best that they go their separate ways before they get too much more invested in each other.

 

This is a perfect example of miscommunication, or at the very least, what happens when assumptions are made and clear boundaries are not established, which didn't take place until after she kissed the guy.

[d0nnivain]

I think most of it has been covered.

 

Whether you chose to continue dating her or not is entirely up to you. Continuing & breaking up are both valid choices. Trying to stay together & punishing her or being annoyed about it is not a valid choice.

 

Whatever you do, moving forward, brush up on your own communications skills. Don't assume things. Don't imply things. Don't infer things. If the issue is as important as fidelity / exclusivity & whether you are official, spell it out in no uncertain terms. Until you are willing and able to do that you wil have this problem again in the future.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Regardless of the make out session or not. One thing is Crystal Clear. If at 2 and a half months and you are dealing with this than I submit to you that this relationship will go nowhere. The semantics of exclusivity aside, if you and your GF are already dealing with this, then you might as well pack it up and find somebody else. Drama of ANY type this early on does not bode well for a long term relationship.

[czen]

I have talked to her about this for a few hours, spanned over a few days. I told her I still wanted to be my girlfriend, and she told me she wanted to make a genuine effort into repairing any kind of damage she caused. I like what Mrin said about how I want to view this incident, as something that she did before we were completely committed, but despite that still chose me and also told me about it, or as cheating. And even though I do consider it cheating, as she told me that during and after she knew she did something wrong, the fact that it was so early on, and that we perhaps were not as 100% solid as I thought we were, are mitigating factors. People say a lot of sweet stuff sometimes, which they may not completely mean, so it's possible she wasn't sure about us. But I guess what matters is that she did choose me and she told me about it.

 

Obviously it can happen again, and that she did this is not a very positive indicator of what could happen again, but I've always believed to just love hard and of course not be completely blind about such things, but to at least give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I will probably still be upset about it for a while, as when I'm alone I sometimes automatically imagine it in my mind, but hopefully with time that will pass and it will be drowned by good memories. You were all a great help anyway! It's much appreciated.

[Woggle]

Technically it is not cheating but I would still let her go because it shows that she might actually cheat in the future.

[PaperCrane]

Let's look at this from another angle.

 

She did what she did. It had effects. The ones you're feeling right now.

 

It had others.

It caused her to realize something. She may have honestly 100% believed going into the kiss that it was okay. She was taught to think that you had to have this big 'exclusive' talk before it was real and rules set up and all that junk. This taught her that doesn't work. Feelings don't follow rules. When she kissed him she knew who you were and what you meant to her. It allowed this paradigm in her head to get toppled and for reality to set in.

 

If she's as real as you say, which is what I'm basing my reply on; her actions speak volumes upon honesty and compassion. I would let this slide and see it as a blessing that it was only a kiss that slapped her straight.

 

You're both young, and this stuff can be confusing. She wants to work on this so don't fight her efforts. However the boundary has been set, so in no means will you allow this or the like ever again. Have her understand that.

[Spectre]

Dump her, she knew it was wrong otherwise she would of felt no guilt. The relationship is already having cheating problems and it is this early on, why is it worth it?

 

The "we weren't official" is just a cop out no matter how you spin it. If she was truly into you she wouldn't of been kissing other men.

 

Also, I don't think people should knock him for assuming they were exclusive. This is just manipulation people use to me. People think they can get away with stuff on a technicality. People always act like you need to have some big talk about being exclusive, but apparently NO talk is needed about "we are dating, but I am still going to get with others because I do not consider us official".

 

This goes both ways really. She shouldn't of assumed it was okay to kiss, he probably shouldn't of assumed they were exclusive.

 

At the end of the day: she might of felt guilty over it, but didn't have strong enough feelings to hold off on kissing some dude. Even if she did not feel you were exclusive..if she was THAT into you she would of held off on getting with other people in order to see where the relationship was going. Otherwise she is the type of girl who can be really into a guy and yet still go and kiss another guy. Do you want that type of girl?

Edited August 1, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

I have talked to her about this for a few hours, spanned over a few days. I told her I still wanted to be my girlfriend, and she told me she wanted to make a genuine effort into repairing any kind of damage she caused. I like what Mrin said about how I want to view this incident, as something that she did before we were completely committed, but despite that still chose me and also told me about it, or as cheating. And even though I do consider it cheating, as she told me that during and after she knew she did something wrong, the fact that it was so early on, and that we perhaps were not as 100% solid as I thought we were, are mitigating factors. People say a lot of sweet stuff sometimes, which they may not completely mean, so it's possible she wasn't sure about us. But I guess what matters is that she did choose me and she told me about it.

 

Obviously it can happen again, and that she did this is not a very positive indicator of what could happen again, but I've always believed to just love hard and of course not be completely blind about such things, but to at least give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I will probably still be upset about it for a while, as when I'm alone I sometimes automatically imagine it in my mind, but hopefully with time that will pass and it will be drowned by good memories. You were all a great help anyway! It's much appreciated.

There is no right or wrong choice here, it's what you are willing to risk. At least this has given you both the valuable lesson on how important communication, and listening to your partner is. Best of luck, and don't hesitate to come back to our community, even to help others.