I guess I am the OW

[wbm665]

This is my first post, but I have been reading for about a month now. I guess to start off, I never considered myself the OW. I have been separated for almost 2 years now and will be finalizing my divorce in the next 6 weeks. I got involved with my MM almost exactly a year ago. We don't work together, but in the same field and have known each other for 5 years. About a year ago, his wife asked him to move out and he quickly learned from his kids that she had been having an affair. He sought divorce advice from me, as someone he knew who had recently been through the process and we ended up becoming romantically involved. I assumed it was a rebound relationship as we started shortly after he moved out, but the friendship background led us to falling in love very quickly.

 

In Nov. his kids started having a very hard time with the separation and asked him to move back home. Wife had been caught in her affair by her APs wife and her AP had ended their relationship just 2 weeks prior. He and his wife discussed the kids request, he agreed to give the marriage a shot and we ended our relationship so he could try.

 

But we didn't go NC and I we attempted to remain friends. Hell I was trying to advise him on ways to fix his marriage, but it was doing a number on me because I did love him by then. I would say we continued an EA, but the physical had ended.

 

One day in Jan he showed up at my doorstep after a fight with the wife. We talked. He lied about where he was. She caught him lying and we went NC.

 

I tried dating other people, etc. But I still missed my MM.

 

They again had a massive fight at the end of March. This time she was lying about spending time with her former AP. He decided then and there that they were done and moved back out and in with his parents. We resumed shortly after that and things have been moving along well since then. He filed for divorce in June (she claimed she wanted to do it, but drug her feet so he started the process). They are supposed to finalize in Sept, so she isn't quite his ex yet.

 

When he filed his parents told him he could no longer live with them and he had to get his own place. He has been living on the couch at his house on his days with the kids and at my place over the last month or so. Had a deposit in on a townhouse and was supposed to move this week.

 

I say I guess I was the OW because I know without my involvement at various times he would have probably just returned to his life and made much more of an effort of working it out. Maybe I am putting too much on myself and the affairs were something he would never have been able to get past (there were 3 in all that he found out about over the course of the last year -- she's admitted to them all). And I don't discount the fact that we clearly had an EA for 3 months, even if I used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't sleep with him while he was "trying to work on his marriage."

 

The catalyst behind me finally posting though is that his daughter made a suicide attempt yesterday. The kids know about mom's most recent affair (she was having the guy spend the night when the MM was out of town with the kids in the house). The doctors apparently told the MM and his wife that she did it due to their actions -- both their affairs and the divorce -- that she did this. It is really hitting me that I played a role in this at all. My gut says the MM is going to try to work on his marriage. I think that would be my gut reaction as well and I was leaving a physically abusive relationship, even then I would at least try to make it work as nothing is more important than my kids being alive.

 

I guess the question I have for all is what do I do RIGHT NOW. MM needs some level of support from me, right? He's been in contact throughout yesterday, last night and this morning just at his wits end, so I don't want to add to his stress, but I also don't want to be a contributing cause of his daughters pain. I love this man very much and truly want him to be happy. I also love his kids very much and don't want to do anything that hurts them. I know NC is coming if/when he makes the decision to work on his marriage. That is not a question, but in the meantime, I feel as I am just along for the ride.

[anika99]

How long has the MM been married and how old aprox are the kids? Did he ever cheat (that you know of) before he caught his wife in an affair?

 

 

His toxic relationship with his wife and the constant back and forth most likely did contribute to his daughters current state of mind. I'd say they have 2 choices. Either reconcile and then the whole family goes for extensive counselling so that they can work on providing an emotionally healthy home together or go through with the divorce but still get the whole family into counselling so that they can heal and mom and dad can learn how to co-parent and support their children in a healthy way.

 

 

I think you should protect yourself. If he goes back home then obviously you need to stop all contact with him. There can't be three people in a marriage. If he decides to go through with the divorce then you still really need to take care of yourself first. Of course he loves you and needs you. He had been asked to leave his home and then discovered his wife's betrayal. No matter how he felt about her before it still really hurts to betrayed and rejected. So he was ripe for the picking and he would have fallen in love with the first woman to come along who offered support and kindness. Many men really hate to be alone, especially when they are recently separated and so they will grab onto the first soft landing they see.

 

 

Even if the MM divorces you could still be the rebound girl. Once the divorce is final and the MM has grieved his marriage and begins to feel stronger he may decide that he actually wants to be single for a while or he wants to play the field before being in another serious relationship. This would lead to you being dumped or possibly being cheated on. I say you should step back a little and think about how much of yourself you want to invest in a man who has constantly been in this emotionally volatile state since your relationship began. There has been drama since the beginning and I'm not sure that's the best way to begin a serious long term relationship. I sure wouldn't want that kind of baggage and drama.

[whatatangledweb]

If he goes back, go NC. He can contact you after he is divorced if he goes through with it. I think the back of forth of them being together then apart, is what has his daughter in such a mess. Her life is out of control and she has no idea of what will happen . Personally I think him going back will make it worse as I don't believe he will end up staying. It is best to end it and let his daughter's life stablize.

[wbm665]

Thanks for the replies.

 

MM has been married for 18 years and has 3 kids -- 15, 12 and 9. He claims he did not cheat before the wife, but a series of lies (over very stupid things, mind you) make taking his word for anything hard.

 

I have been good and supportive over the last week while he deals with his daughter and her in patient stay. Something has felt a little off recently though and I finally got work back from the court on his divorce docket. He withdrew his divorce filing 4 days after he filed. He had told me he had to withdraw and refile due to a error in the spelling of his wife's name, but he hasn't re-filed. There is one very common way this could have happened (she didn't accept service thinking the papers coming certified mail were just duplicates) OR he told his attorney to pull them an not refile.

 

At this point, I am just trying to figure out when I can walk away (taking into consideration that he is dealing with the attempted suicide). Guess I have been straight up the OW since June since he has been living at home and hadn't filed.