Soon-to-be-Ex is Annoyed that I'm Not Jealous

[GypsyGirl966]

First, let me say that my marriage was 17+ years, so I obviously cannot fit that entire dynamic into a post, but here is the general background.

 

My ex is passive-aggressive, it took me a very long time to figure him out. Throughout our marriage he was always cheerful and happy and everything was "fine", but then he would break something of mine that was special to me, "forget" my birthday or our wedding anniversary, etc. I asked him many times to go to marriage counseling, and once he even agreed to go but then "forgot" to show up for the appointment.

 

We only had one child (the reason we married), and over the years I continually asked him to have more children. He would waffle and give ambiguous answers, and I was not about the go through another "surprise" pregnancy with him, so we never had more children.

 

About 3 years ago he shared with me that he had been harboring a secret grudge against me for over a decade which is why he wouldn't agree to have more children with me. I was going to leave him. I felt alone and lonely in our marriage and no amount of talking with him seemed to change anything, something had permanently died in me in the marriage. He begged and begged and begged me to stay, promised to go to marriage counseling, to change, etc. I agreed to stay. The very next day he started working out and dieting. In the past, I would have jumped right back into the marriage and put everything I had into "making it work", however, this time I sat back and watched him. He continued to diet, workout, buy new cloths, change his hairstyle, etc. A couple of months went by and I think it hit him that I had not returned to "normal". He then said he was scheduling with a marriage counselor. Several months later we finally had the first appointment. We proceeded through 2.5 years of marriage counseling where every single session opened with him declaring that things were "better" (even if we had just had a miserable month).

 

April of this year we were visiting two friends of ours who are gay, male, and in a committed relationship. He went to bed ahead of me, and I stayed up chatting with our friends. He then came storming out into the dining room where we were sitting and told me he wanted a divorce and then stormed off. I went to the room we were staying in and asked him what was going on. He told me that he "overheard" (from 3 rooms away), me offering to have sex with these two men. Naturally, I was thinking "WTF? Seriously?" It was bizarre.

 

The next day he got on Match.com, and within 3 weeks he was in an exclusive relationship with a virtual stranger. He filed for divorce (which is pending). I am, of course, confused, hurt, etc., however, he has been clear that he is going through with it and moved out.

 

About a month ago he was over to take care of some stuff at our marital home. I was very upset and crying. I was sobbing, covered in snot, and completely distraught. I asked him at one point if he would just give me a hug and he replied, "Well, you aren't going to make a pass at me are you?" I was kind of surprised by this, as nothing about my current state made me feel desirable or attractive and sex as the furthest thing from my mind.

 

Probably half the time when I talk to him now he talks about his new girlfriend "Kati". He is planning his life around her and her schedule, etc., and has made it a point to tell me how hot she is and how happy she makes him. At this point, I just don't care. There is no stopping what is going on, and, quite frankly, I'm exhausted and tired of catering to him. I have often felt like he wanted me to be a "mommy" to him who would also then have sex with him whenever he pleased. I rarely, if ever, felt like he viewed me as an equal partner or that my needs were equally important to his. I'm tired, I'm glad he is someone else's problem now.

 

The catch is that when he brings up "Kati", I tell him that she sounds like a nice person, that I'm happy for him, that we both deserve to be happy, and that I'm glad he found someone and that he isn't out sleeping around, etc. I also agree to take our daughter during his parenting times so that he can go on dates with Kati or spend the night with her. All of this seems to irritate and piss him off. I get the distinct impression he is trying to make me jealous and then gets mad when I am instead understanding and supportive of his new life. If anyone wants to tackle this psyche for me, I am all ears, I've spent 17+ years trying to figure him out, and I think I have for the most part, but I'm also willing to second guess myself and hear what others have to say and think.

Edited July 29, 2015 by GypsyGirl966

[Clarence_Boddicker]

He's a nut & a coward. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Did you ever find out what his secret grudge was about?

[PegNosePete]

The advantage of him being a soon-to-be-ex, is that you no longer have to give a carp about his feelings. Why are you even having this kind of discussion with him? It seems totally pointless to me. It just makes him angry and you upset. Just don't do it any more. Tell him to sling his hook back to Kati or whatever.

 

How old is your daughter? Since you've been married 17+ years and she was the reason for your marriage I will assume she is almost at the age where she can decide for herself where she lives, how much time she spends with each of you, and how she travels between your homes. If this is the case then there's really no reason to talk to your STBX at all unless it's official divorce business.

 

If she's younger than your post suggests, then the same advice applies. Only talk to your STBX if it's on official divorce or parenting business. Don't have heart to hearts about how great his new GF is and whether you deserve happiness or whatever. He is not the right person for that kind of conversation. Save it for your mother, BFF, girls at the office, gay friends, local supermarket shelf stacker, or whatever!

Edited July 29, 2015 by PegNosePete

[GypsyGirl966]

One correction: We have been together 17+ years, married for 15. Our child is 15.

 

The secret grudge is that the first years of our marriage he was working really long hours and then out with friends when he wasn't at work. After about 2 years of this, we were at a wedding and listening to the vows made me sad. After a few drinks I said to him, "I do not understand why you married me", however, what he heard was "I wish I had never married you". I'm certain this is NOT what I said, however, for the sake of moving things forward, rather than arguing with him about what I said I went along with it and I apologized, and apologized and tried to explain to him what I had been feeling during that time period and what had caused me to reach a point where I would say something so cruel and hurtful.

 

This is all difficult for me. I noticed on his facebook that he has gone back and deleted posts of a vacation we took earlier this year, deleted pictures of us, etc. It is as though he is trying to wipe our marriage from existence. He is a good person in many ways, and he is the father of my child so I would like to think the best of him and speak the best of him. We are mostly communicating by text now, and I will be seeing much less of him.

Edited July 29, 2015 by GypsyGirl966

[Mr. Lucky]

If this is the case then there's really no reason to talk to your STBX at all unless it's official divorce business.

 

Exactly. The literal meaning of divorce is to "separate or dissociate (something) from something else". Doing so with your STBXH precludes conversations about the marriage you're divorcing from...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

The secret grudge is that

Look, i'm not trying to be mean here but I didn't even read the rest of that paragraph. It really doesn't matter one hoot what the grudge is/was. The fact is that the marriage is over and you need to get a divorce. You need to STOP having these heart-to-heart discussions with your STBX. If it's not essential divorce business or parenting business, DON'T say it, and if he says it, ignore it. You are not his wife any more. If you need to discuss your feelings with someone, you need to find a new outlet. Friends, family or even a councillor are much better options here. You can't rely on your ex to discuss your feelings!

 

I noticed on his facebook that he has gone back and deleted posts of a vacation we took earlier this year, deleted pictures of us, etc.

Of course he has. That is what you do when you go through a divorce (especially if you have a new partner). It's totally normal. It's what I did, it's what all my divorced friends did, it's what every person should do. He isn't deleting your past, he is moving with his future with someone else. Do you think his new GF would enjoy seeing pics of him smiling on holiday with his ex wife all over his facebook? No.

 

Now stop stalking him, unfriend him, and BLOCK him! Problem solved!!

Edited July 30, 2015 by PegNosePete

[GypsyGirl966]

Alright. I did it.

 

I unfriended him on FB and I then blocked him, and his GF just for good measure. I feel better already. I told him that, while we could potentially be friends in the future, I thought it was better to have a clean break right now and have little to no contact beyond what we have to do for our child and a business that we run together (it requires minimal interaction, maybe once or twice a month for the business, far less than the contact we have for our child which is 99% texting).

[casey.lives]

some people motivate with fear which comes in many forms: jealousy..comparing .. indecision.. u can't do better..

 

this doesn't work for me because it's sets a bad precedence. I don't want to be in a fear relationship; i want to be in a love relationship.

 

Since he found happiness elsewhere.. you r now responsible for ur happiness and fearful thoughts only eat away at it. he doesn't care about ur happiness that's why he's with another woman instead of u, and that's why he wants to make u scared and sad and panicky. jealousy is ugly .. it would only make him look good and you look bad.. he already made u look bad enough.. leaving u for another woman. Doesn't he know that he became spoiled, diminished in ur eyes??!! If he wanted you to feel something .. it should've been longing. something positive. His annoyance is so petty .. what about your betrayal??!!!

Edited July 31, 2015 by casey.lives

[GypsyGirl966]

Excellent point, guilt was another favourite of his as well. About a month ago he said something along the lines of we could always get back together 'later'. I told him, "no way, I will have internalized your abandonment and would never trust you again". He seemed perplexed by it. Today he text to tell me he was taking our child for lunch and extended an offer for me to join, and I told him I thought it best that he get some time all to himself since it is his non-parenting week. He then asked if I needed him to cut the grass, and I told him I'd let him make that call when he picked up our child. He then asked if I was going to take some pictures of one of our properties while he was showing it today (it is occupied so we try to interfere as little as possible with the tenants), and I told him that I wasn't going to have time and thought the pictures I already have are good enough.

 

So far, so good.

Edited August 1, 2015 by GypsyGirl966

[No Limit]

Sounds like you're doing alright. Some exes stay crazy, but at least divorce keeps them at arm's length. To be honest, I wonder if this "Kati" even exists, most people in relationships don't cling to their exes like this (at least not that frequently).

[GypsyGirl966]

Sounds like you're doing alright. Some exes stay crazy, but at least divorce keeps them at arm's length. To be honest, I wonder if this "Kati" even exists, most people in relationships don't cling to their exes like this (at least not that frequently).

 

She most definitely exists, and is eerily similar to me. Several of my friends have seen them out together, and he has even shown me pictures of her. He kept up the contact today by sending pics of something he did with one of the properties. I was out riding my bike and sent him a pic of the trail in return, which was dumb as it had nothing to do with our child or our properties.

 

The most maddening part about all of this is that I don't even want him back, yet I feel all of this sorrow, all of this loss. Our child is struggling with it too, but being quiet about it. As a mother, that is what hurts the most, my inability to take away the pain that it causes my child.

[Qboro90]

You're on the right track. It sounds like he purposely does things in order to get some kind of reaction from you to make him feel better about himself or get an ego boost yet when you don't react the way he wants he pouts like a child. Good for you for not reacting jealous or immature when he talks about Kati. First off you're being incredible mature and handling that perfectly and if you really want to take the high road just keep showing that it has no effect on you whatsoever. He's trying to see that you can't live without him and that another girl he's seeing would make you realize that. By not caring and being supportive it's the nail in the coffin for him to see you're over the marriage and have no emotional feelings for him like that. Don't fall into the trap he tries setting to react.

 

Also because you share a business together and need to communicate the suggestion I make there is to keep those convos professional. Don't see him as your ex husband when talking about business. So far you've done that well but I caution you not to include little quips or digress the conversation onto a personal level. If he texts or asks you things about the company or says something you could take insulting or baiting to react about your marriage, take a second and catch yourself and remember to keep it business oriented. If he asks you to take photos of a house, don't think that he's purposely trying to make more work for you and annoy you, think of it as if you never married him and if it's a reasonable request then take it that way. You've done this well so far I'm just saying down the line to keep it up.

[GypsyGirl966]

This is my NC-style rant instead of e-mailing back my ex.

 

Yes, I ****ing get it, that your dream-come-true, after only 6 short months, now has the exact same concerns I did about your ability to function in a relationship. Yes, I ****ing get it, that now that someone else has said it to you that you are now ready to listen. I tried, in every way possible, to convince you for 17+ years that you could make a change or two....... BUT mommy told you that you were perfect exactly as you are, and you held strong to the idea that any weaknesses or problems in our marriage were all my fault.

 

If I have any advice for you, it is that you go back to her, you ask for another chance, you listen, you get outside of your comfort zone, you accept that you are human and fallible, and you let her be right 10% of the time. It would be a start. I am too old, too tired, too bitter, too disillusioned to give you another shot. Stay where the grass is greener.

[PegNosePete]

Well done GG, sounds like you're doing good.

 

All the best.

[qubist]

This is my NC-style rant instead of e-mailing back my ex.

 

Yes, I ****ing get it, that your dream-come-true, after only 6 short months, now has the exact same concerns I did about your ability to function in a relationship. Yes, I ****ing get it, that now that someone else has said it to you that you are now ready to listen. I tried, in every way possible, to convince you for 17+ years that you could make a change or two....... BUT mommy told you that you were perfect exactly as you are, and you held strong to the idea that any weaknesses or problems in our marriage were all my fault.

 

If I have any advice for you, it is that you go back to her, you ask for another chance, you listen, you get outside of your comfort zone, you accept that you are human and fallible, and you let her be right 10% of the time. It would be a start. I am too old, too tired, too bitter, too disillusioned to give you another shot. Stay where the grass is greener.

I love it, wow so the grass wasn't that green after all