Just a Guy Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Hi MN_BH, After what you wrote in your OP I really wonder why you felt the need to post on a forum like this asking people for their opinion on what to do. One would think your course of action was quite clear and well defined. You have been married only two years and your wife is already cheating on you that too, the first time she slept with her OM was on your second wedding anniversary. what does that tell you? To me it seems that she is determined to rub your nose in her muck and make you feel emasculated. By now you should have been on a rocket ship to Venus looking for new ladies who are still left unspoken for! This lady is BAD news and the sooner you are rid of her the better for you. Others have given excellent advice to you for handling this situation. Make a list of all the best points from each post and make it your To Do list and start working on it as of yesterday. Cheers! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) When we are together, and she has made it a point to be around even though she moved out, I can see and feel the genuineness from her. She can't fake that. She can, and she has. I can, it's not that difficult. She needs you to be her idiot/fallback if it doesn't work out with her lover/boyfriend/prefered choice, so she will say and behave in whatever manner is necessary to keep you in stock. However, make no mistake, she continues to be very involved him (emotionally, sexually and apparently financially as well). I read on another site to give her 6 months before going truly no contact with me. That is horrendous advice. Your wife is in a relationship with this man. She has regular sexual intercourse with him, spends time with him, calls him, texts him, has held in her hands + had his penis inside her or in her mouth, lays with him. She deceives and disrespects you. How are you okay with this, how does this not hurt and infuriate you:mad:??? Your wife has a boyfriend. How f***ed up and ridiculous is that!!!! Thoughts?.. yeah, you're 27 and have no children with her. You have no idea how many people on these forums with children, a mortgage, financial issues, years & decades in their marriage, shared lives, friends and family would wish to be in your position. Initiate divorce proceedings and have her served. Separate your lives so that you have no contact with her and work on your healing and well being. See a councellor if possible because what you're going through can be damaging and traumatic. Work out, hit gym, exercise and stay fit and healthy. It'll help to have an outlet for the emotions you feel. Be patient with yourself. This takes time to work through. Respect yourself way more than you have and realize that you do not want or deserve this. Focus on improving yourself, your life and securing a better future for you, without her. Edited July 30, 2015 by World's.Edge 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sastrugi Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 The move out was her idea. Her original plan was to move out and divorce me. The OM paid for her security deposit and helped her look over the place. It wasn't until I told her I was legit done that she actually put in some effort. It's like she will spend a few days with me without contacting him, then it's right back to him for a few days, back and forth. Dude, what the hell..... don't be plan b. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 ... It wasn't until I told her I was legit done that she actually put in some effort... If you are looking for evidence that the 180 is a good approach, you've already got it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Decide if your marriage or her job is more important, if you pick your marriage expose their affair to their employer, most companies will not tolerate relationships between employees specially if one of them is married or in a position of authority. You need to file because hollow threats are getting you nowhere. Divorce takes a long time to finalize and you can stop the process anytime up to the final decree. It's better to know where you stand with her now rather than wasting years of your time playing the pick me game with her boyfriend. She left you to be with him, she's tainted, she can never be the woman you married again because this big white elephant will always be in the room somewhere. All you can do is learn to live with it but by doing so you compromise yourself, how many sh*t sandwiches do you need to eat before you take action, stop allowing her behaviour to control your life. If she won't stop her affair, take yourself out of it by divorcing her or learn to accept that you will always have to share her with other men. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Stop acting like a fool: 1. Get tested for STD's 2. See an attorney Her actions show how she has no respect for you or your marriage. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 The no contact thing is tough for me because when we've done no contact she runs straight to him. And yes, I am absolutely in win her back mode. I read on another site to give her 6 months before going truly no contact with me. I've been there. It's tough to recognize now, but the NC and seeing her run back to her OM just highlights she has you at a much lower importance. And your relationship cannot survive with that. I kept thinking "If I show her I'll continue to fight, then she'll come back and we'll be OK." But you're in a no win situation. Your wife is using the OM and you as pawns to elevate her own importance. She's exchanging sex for gratification from whoever will give it to her. And although you think you can with just one more chance, you can NEVER fill her cup enough so she`ll just be happy to stay with you. She has an emptiness inside her that no one can fill except herself. She`ll keep looking for everyone else to fix her, when she really needs to look at herself and fix what is wrong inside her. I know as a guy, we usually only learn our lessons the hard way. So all I can ask of you is to protect yourself as much as you can, but do what you need to do in order to get closure on this part of your life. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 OP you are in the best age to find a good woman. Why do you stick to a cheating liar? Find a divorce attorney ASAP. Do not sleep with her anymore, otherwise she'll pull the baby trap on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mn_bowhunter Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I get all this advice, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to start the divorce process quite yet. Really not sure why... Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I get all this advice, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to start the divorce process quite yet. Really not sure why... My FIL was advised for years to get a hip replacement. He never could quite bring himself to start the process, until one day, for reasons known only to him, he did. First thing he said after taking his first post-op walk was "Why on earth did I wait so long?" Life is short. Get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Gah, you're practically a baby. You have a whole life ahead of you to find the right woman. Any woman who cheats two years into a marriage is BAD MATERIAL. Count your blessings you found out so soon so you can divorce her and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mn_bowhunter Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 I am inching closer each day. I still love her, deeply. And would certainly want to work it out if she cut him out completely. But she has proven time and again that she doesn't want to do that. "Just friends" really doesn't work for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 If the roles were reversed do you think she would be acting like you waiting on the sidelines hoping she gets tired of having sex with her current lover? You have been married two years and you accept this. See a therapist and understand why you are willing to accept such humiliation and disrespect. This is not an appealing trait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Fellow bowhunter here. Looking forward to the coming season? Okay, I'll lay it on the line for you. You had a wife and she found someone else. She is now invested in that person at your expense. Do you really want to be Plan B? According to your post, she was planning on leaving you for him. GREAT! "Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out." Grow a pair and tell this woman to pound sand. There are a LOT of good women out there, and one of them will make you a good partner one day. Don't blow that chance by staying with a cheater. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Agree with TX. What thoughts can anyone give you. Its one thing when you are trying to catch her or figure out if she is cheating. But right now you know exactly what she is doing and who she is doing it with and that she refuses to stop. Either you let her bang other man and live with it or you divorce her. What other choices do you think you have????? Her actions speak clearly that she wants a husband and boyfriend. No guessing to do. And the absolute WORST thing you can to is plead with her and tell her you love her. She does not care. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I guess while you were busy hunting with your Bow she was busy doing the same with her quiver. As others have said the sooner you drop her the better for you. You are young and will find a good lady for your self. Cheers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DIFM Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 How long does it typically take for the fog to lift? ? Forget the "fog" notions. She is not in a fog She is deliberately and with intent lying in order to manipulate you and your situation. What she is doing is with forethought and with full awareness of the pain she is causing. The "fog" is just a tool of excuse for cheaters and a tool of hope by those that have been cheated on. All that needs to be known is knowable at this point. You are in a well informed position to decide if you want to live your life with someone else pulling your strings or not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I am inching closer each day. I still love her, deeply. And would certainly want to work it out if she cut him out completely. But she has proven time and again that she doesn't want to do that. "Just friends" really doesn't work for me. Mn Bowhunter, Part of you wants her back. OK, I get that, but the only way you are going to make her see that what she is doing is completely unacceptable, is to file for divorce, and enforce the 180. She needs to see that her actions, REALLY run the risk of you dropping her. At this point, whether you think that you may try and reconcile, you need to start to divorce her. It is the only wake up call she will understand. If she drops and goes NC with her OM, and you start living as man and wife again, what you would need to do and insist from your WW, is another post. We can debate, what you should do if you get there. You cannot stay where you are, the only path forward is to hit here with divorce papers. Do this for you, your own self worth, but take the SHOT. I wish you luck. https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 It seems like OP may not have the wherewithal to take any substantive action on his own behalf at this point, so just shouting "GET A DIVORCE!" or "YOUR WIFE'S A FILTHY WHORE!" at him over and over is likely to have no impact. His issues run deeper if he's inclined to tolerate blatant disregard and infidelity, and those are what need to be addressed, not the immediate issue of the wife cheating. OP, couple tough questions - - Can you live with your wife having a boyfriend or whatever sort of extramarital sexual relationships she chooses? Longterm, as in permanently? - Do her antics in any way appeal to you? That's a hard question to ask but whenever I see stories like this where the guy isn't entirely livid at the situation, that whole 'hotwife' possibility creeps into mind. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I get all this advice, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to start the divorce process quite yet. Really not sure why... You need to figure out why. You are young, i believe no kids or major financial obstacles, and yet you cling to this woman. You might want to start reading about co-dependency. A lot of OLDER men put up with this kind of behavior because they are afraid they will not be able to find another woman and can't bear the idea of having to chase women for sex again so they "settle" and live with it as the lesser of two evils. that should not be the case with a 28 year old man. I doubt seriously if you are liking the "hotwife" scenerio that has been suggested or why on earth would you be posting her about your frustration in trying to stop it. I would forget about MC but get some help in trying to understand why you cannot make this break with a woman who is doing this to you. no one is calling her a whore, but she certainly is an adulteress who has no intention of stopping and is not a partner that you have any future with. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Forget the "fog" notions. She is not in a fog She is deliberately and with intent lying in order to manipulate you and your situation. What she is doing is with forethought and with full awareness of the pain she is causing. The "fog" is just a tool of excuse for cheaters and a tool of hope by those that have been cheated on. All that needs to be known is knowable at this point. You are in a well informed position to decide if you want to live your life with someone else pulling your strings or not. ******************************************************************* I have one question..Why the FU%K are you still around....Jesus Christ i could care less if shes in a fog...What she wants or what her unmet Needs are... I was Blindsided like you...and if you read my story I burned Everyone and Everything to the ground even remotely associated with her Affair...And i systematically destroyed his family in the process for what he did to me.... I am NO ONES Plan B ever...if she wants him GO.... By the way she is now alone ...he dumped after his divorce... Badkarma indeed....Badkarma2013 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I'm 27 and she's 28. The no contact thing is tough for me because when we've done no contact she runs straight to him. And yes, I am absolutely in win her back mode. I read on another site to give her 6 months before going truly no contact with me. If you are in "Win her Back Mode" then have her served. That will get her off the fence one way or another. And may I remind you that there is nothing wrong with loving your wayward wife who is a cheater and lies to you. But you also need to show yourself some respect. Your wife BF is 39 years old? Her BF is in foreclosure? Wow she can sure pickem. ARe you sure you really want her back??? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I am inching closer each day. I still love her, deeply. And would certainly want to work it out if she cut him out completely. But she has proven time and again that she doesn't want to do that. "Just friends" really doesn't work for me. As long as he's still in her life, there's absolutely NO point in trying to reconnect and fix your marriage, put effort into it when she's into him. Take the bull by the horns and file for divorce. Even if you don't actually divorce, you have to show her that you're NOT putting up with her calling the shots and trying to have her cake and eat it too. You love her, she's your wife but right now she is NOT the woman you married. Cut her out of your life and allow her to be on her own without you in it. Sorry you're hurting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheLost1 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Fellow bowhunter, kick her to the curb! Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 She won't give up on her affair because she knows you'll stick around. Get into counseling to help you become more assertive and able to protect your own needs. Let them stay friends, and cut her off. Link to post Share on other sites
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