Author Mn_bowhunter Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 Ok so we are finally in couples counseling, our second session is tonight. I had made up my mind before going in for the first time that if she sat there and lied to the counselor I was done. No question about it. Much to my surprise, she was honest and up front. The best thing that he said was that it was up to her as the WS to rebuild trust. So, my question is, how much can/should I ask for. Quit her job? Move back home? Delete apps or give me access? Where do I draw the line? Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Yes, I think you should ask for all of the thing you mentioned here (+ more). You may not implement all of them, but you should ask for the right to have it. It's also a test for her real intention. If she refuses transparency, it means she has things to hide. If she refuses to quit her job, it means she wants contact with OM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Ok so we are finally in couples counseling, our second session is tonight. I had made up my mind before going in for the first time that if she sat there and lied to the counselor I was done. No question about it. Much to my surprise, she was honest and up front. The best thing that he said was that it was up to her as the WS to rebuild trust. So, my question is, how much can/should I ask for. Quit her job? Move back home? Delete apps or give me access? Where do I draw the line? Before you invest any time or energy you have to make sure he is GONE. Absolutely no contact with him. If that means giving up her job or giving to access to all her communications then so be it. I would say this, you have to be stronger. At this point you have to be ok with losing her to have a real chance to get her to commit back into the marriage. Sadly, I don't see it happening with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mn_bowhunter Posted August 11, 2015 Author Share Posted August 11, 2015 That is exactly what the counselor said to her, that he must be cut completely out of her life or else our marriage will end. The biggest issue with that is she works with him and has been unwilling to give up her job up to this point. I actually felt at peace with it until yesterday, when she said that she contacted the OM after work to talk about work gossip. I was irate at that, but at lest she told me I suppose. Should make for a fun session tonight though lol. And DKT3, I am completely fine with losing her for good. I have been putting up with this thing since May and am just about done. She knows and thoroughly understands that this is our last hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Much to my surprise, she was honest and up front. How do you know this? Under the current circumstances you don't appear to be in a position to draw this conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Friend, she banged him on your second anniversary, she's been in an affair with a guy old enough to be her father for about 8 months. You have no children, she won't quit her job with O/M just how much pain do you want in your life? There will never be an easier or cheaper time to get out of this train wreck then right now. Come on man if she's already cheating two years into your marriage, how the hell are you going to keep her interested enough not to cheat for the next 60 years? This is who you want raising your children and watching your back? Talk to a lawyer, get tested for STD's, no unprotected sex because she sounds like the type to get pregnant just to keep you in the relationship, if she does, make sure it's yours. You need to think higher about yourself because you can do a lot better than this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 She needs to change jobs. Can she trust you to support her while she finds something comparable? The risk is that you'll dump her and she won't have a means to support herself. So, unless you are prepared to guarantee ongoing support until she finds a new job, then it may be too much for her to risk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Ok so we are finally in couples counseling, our second session is tonight. I had made up my mind before going in for the first time that if she sat there and lied to the counselor I was done. No question about it. Much to my surprise, she was honest and up front. The best thing that he said was that it was up to her as the WS to rebuild trust. So, my question is, how much can/should I ask for. Quit her job? Move back home? Delete apps or give me access? Where do I draw the line? That is exactly what the counselor said to her, that he must be cut completely out of her life or else our marriage will end. The biggest issue with that is she works with him and has been unwilling to give up her job up to this point. I actually felt at peace with it until yesterday, when she said that she contacted the OM after work to talk about work gossip. I was irate at that, but at lest she told me I suppose. Should make for a fun session tonight though lol. And DKT3, I am completely fine with losing her for good. I have been putting up with this thing since May and am just about done. She knows and thoroughly understands that this is our last hope. Your marriage is over until she goes NC with the OM. Your WW must leave that job today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 she works with him and has been unwilling to give up her job up to this point. I actually felt at peace with it until yesterday, when she said that she contacted the OM after work to talk about work gossip. I think you should end it today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You realize that they talked about much more than office gossip, right? And let's even give her the benefit of the doubt And that to know how much it would hurt you to know that she was opening dialogue with her boyfriend, and that talking about office gossip was more important that that... man it's either her job or the marriage. Period. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Wait..wait...she talked to him after work even after the Counselor informed her that she needs to end ALL CONTACT?!?!? Dude, serve her with divorce papers. It doesn't mean you have to act on them, they're to show her that you mean business. That you're not playing games here. And once she realizes that you actually took the time to fill them out, shows her that you've really thought about this all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 MN_Bowhunter You deserve so much better in life. When are you going to realize she is not worth it? She is playing with your heart in such a selfish, foolish manner. You need to get off the fence if your wife is not willing to. HM Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 She needs to change jobs. Can she trust you to support her while she finds something comparable? The risk is that you'll dump her and she won't have a means to support herself. So, unless you are prepared to guarantee ongoing support until she finds a new job, then it may be too much for her to risk. true but he is risking a lot more his entire life. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 1. see a lawyer immediately. 2. get tested for STD's immediately. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? If you do not respect yourself then who will? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Friend, she banged him on your second anniversary, she's been in an affair with a guy old enough to be her father for about 8 months. You have no children, she won't quit her job with O/M just how much pain do you want in your life? There will never be an easier or cheaper time to get out of this train wreck then right now. Read the above a few times until you get it. Once you meet a real wife that will let you know what a true marriage feels like, you will look back on this cheater and wonder why you even thought to stay in this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Ok so we are finally in couples counseling, our second session is tonight. I had made up my mind before going in for the first time that if she sat there and lied to the counselor I was done. No question about it. Much to my surprise, she was honest and up front. The best thing that he said was that it was up to her as the WS to rebuild trust. So, my question is, how much can/should I ask for. Quit her job? Move back home? Delete apps or give me access? Where do I draw the line? I haven't read your whole thread, but the simple answer is ask for whatever/everything you want to make your marriage look the way you want it to look. At the same time, she should be able to ask for whatever she wants. Go from there and negotiate solutions that you both can totally/happily agree to. You both should have the marriage that you want that meets each of your needs including any needs you now have because she cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 You have the power here. Well, I thought you did, until this: You SAY you are ready to walk if she renews contact with him. And then she renewed contact with him. So basically, you're lying to yourself. You are NOT ready to walk if she renews contact. If you ever DO reach that point, where you will really walk, THEN you have the power. By saying "I cannot stay married to you any more if you are still working with the OM. It's your choice - either quit the job and stay married or keep the job and lose me." That's really all there is to talk about. It's just a job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 You have the power here. Well, I thought you did, until this: You SAY you are ready to walk if she renews contact with him. And then she renewed contact with him. So basically, you're lying to yourself. You are NOT ready to walk if she renews contact. If you ever DO reach that point, where you will really walk, THEN you have the power. By saying "I cannot stay married to you any more if you are still working with the OM. It's your choice - either quit the job and stay married or keep the job and lose me." That's really all there is to talk about. It's just a job. This ^^^ Absolutely! My WH's MOW was his employee and I gave him the option of A. Firing her and risking a sexual harassment suit or B. Divorce He chose A, but then took the A underground (you will still have to be weary about that happening too). I am not one in favor of the WS working with the AP. Too close for comfort if you know what I mean. Mn_bowhunter if your wife broke NC you need to lay out a consequence or kick her out. You have to make a move here or I fear you will be steamrolled by her. For us women BS we have to find our bitch boots, you need to find your **** kickers and start kicking some major a** Start laying down your boundaries with consequences and follow through on all of them! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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