I feel like I am broken

[Sunshine09]

I apologize in advance for the novel I am about to write

 

Every day that I wake up for the past few weeks feels like torture. It feels like someone is constantly stabbing me in the stomach over and over and the only bit of relief that I get is when I manage to fall asleep. But that doesn't last for long.

 

The guy that I had been seeing and I's relationship came to an official end as of last night. I've never felt this way in other relationships before, sure I was sad but I have never felt such a strong sense of devastation and loss until now

 

Some background...

 

I had known him since I was 15 (28 now) and we had always had an instant sort of chemistry and there was always a strong gravitation of us towards each other. Through the years we kept in touch sporadically but last year we started hanging out more frequently and eventually ended up dating each other.

 

There were small red flags from the start but the level of attraction we had and the fact I had never felt so strongly towards anyone before in my life seemed to push them to the back burner. I had always known he was sort of a "party boy" and that he hadn't had the best track record with relationships in the past or his life for that matter. Still, I decided to take a chance despite all of this and let my emotions guide me. We had some very good times and he could be the sweetest person ever. He definitely knew the right things to say to have me falling harder than I ever had. He also liked to drink, a lot and occasionally do drugs. This combined with his temper did not make for a great combination. We would get into arguments because of his alcohol consumption and he would promise to "ease" up or get it under control. As more time went on more red flags came up, I came to realize that he could be a very verbally abusive person and the things that he could say could be so cold and so cruel. But he'd always come back with an apology and a promise to work on his behaviour. He would tell me how he had never loved anyone this much and how he wanted to have a family with me one day and get married because I was the love of his life and he couldn't imagine life without me. I guess ignorance was bliss and because of how much I loved him I kept accepting it and believing that he would actually change one day. After awhile we decided to move in together. Last November to be exact. He was the one who pushed for this and told me that it would only help us get along better and make things a lot easier to work through. Despite us getting into more and more arguments I agreed to move in with him.

 

Things went downhill from there. He continued to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and claiming that is was normal for his family and that there was no problem with it. We continued to get into arguments in which most times he would run away back to his parents house to escape any responsibility and hide out there before coming back in a week or so to apologize and try and convince me how much he cared about me and how sorry he was for the things he said and did. He did a lot of abusive cruel things but I stayed by his side because I really did love him and really thought we could have a future one day.

 

His mother never liked me, from what i have heard from him, she has never liked or approved of any of his girlfriends. As well, he can never do wrong in her eyes....ever. I walked in on her actually trash talking me one time which isn't all on her because he used to go run to his parents every time we had an argument only letting them know his side and so they came to dislike me even more based on the skewed versions he was feeding them.

 

Anyways eventually we ended up getting into a massive argument with little to no communication for about a month back in March. I took this time to really think about things and decided that I could no longer keep putting myself through psychological torture for someone who seemed to care so little for me. I made up my mind to end the lease early and move out and on with my life. Once I confronted him with this, he blew up at me in a fit of rage and claimed that I never actually loved him and how I was being cruel and that I didn't care about him or his feelings. I was polite and civil and eventually he ended up coming to my new place and begging me to come back home. He claimed that he was miserable the entire time without me and that he couldn't "pretend not to care" any longer. That he should have bought me a ring and taken me out and shown me how much I meant to him. He said that he was heartbroken I was going to end up being someone else's because he was a jerk and messed up/

 

Unfortunately after a week of his pleas and him crying, I caved and decided to move back in based on his promises. Looking back now I cringe at myself and want so badly to scream in my face that this is a mistake. But I can't... Anyways he actually did manage to make a solid effort to change, he was very sweet and for his actions matched up to his words. I felt like I had made the right decision and that I really could end up with him and that he was the one for me. Things were in a better place than they have ever been when on May 19th all Hell broke loose.

 

On May 19th we got news that his older brother died. This hit him really hard and he turned to alcohol and drugs to cope. None of which I judged and I tried my best to be there for him but his behaviour towards me starting turning abusive once again. He started using his brothers death as an excuse and if I even said anything at all he would claim that I was being selfish and that I should just be able to put up with anything and everything for the time being because he was going through something devastating. Eventually he ended up leaving to go home and told me that we would never work out, that we just were not compatible, that his family was the only thing that mattered to him and he was done. He told me that he did not care how I felt and made that crystal clear. I accepted this without a fuss and respected his decision even though my heart was breaking into a million pieces all over again. I never complained or got mad because I understood he was going through something I could never understand.

 

Anyways, the second week of June I moved out. He eventually messaged me again mad that I made that decision and had left the apartment. After this we managed to converse back and forth. I took a lot of emotional abuse from him but believe that ignoring him was out of the question because of his brothers death and that it would make me a bad person if I did not respond or allow him to treat me that way. I felt really guilty and worried for his safety a lot. After a few weeks of this he broke down and confessed that he still did love me and always would, that he was sorry for how he had been acting and for being mean. That his head was just in the wrong place and he wasn't thinking clearly because of the situation. I agreed to start seeing him again and we did for about 2 and a half weeks.

 

During this time he would get angry at the fact I wouldn't just stop my birth control to get pregnant as he demanded. He told me that if I really loved him

I would do it and that he couldn't understand why I would not. For obvious reasons I made that decision NOT to do this. He would go back and forth and have mood swings but still I stood by and tried to be as supportive as possible. The first week of July is when we officially broke up for good. He had turned back to stating that we just would never work because I could not be the girl that he needed me to be. That I didn't give him the affection that he needed and that we wanted different things in life. This hurt a lot considering he has been jerking me about for months now and discarding me like Im nothing only to come back and reel me back in.

 

Anyways I did my best to be amicable and civil with him until one day he decided to block my number and me on facebook claiming that it was too hard to see my page and that it hurt too much. I of all people could understand . He told me that he still loved me and always would and wished that things could have worked out and that he could come over and cuddle etc etc. Me conversed a little back and forth until I found out that he had been dealing with this girl, who has been pursuing him for months now, at the same time as telling me all of these things and sleeping with me still. It was a huge hit to the stomach to find this out and I literally had a breakdown. I made the mistake of calling him and leaving him a nasty email and sending paragraphs of emails telling him how much he destroyed me and hurt me as a person and how can he be so cruel to do that to someone he loved. He had just slept with me weeks prior and told me he loved me. I felt sick to my stomach and paralyzed. That night he apologized and said that he doesn't want me to hurt and that he does hope that Im okay. I didn't answer that and made attempts to do no contact but always felt guilty ignoring him because of the situation and the fact he said he was really depressed over his brothers death. Last week he sent me a random message and then added that he was not pursuing anyone at that time.

 

I was on day 8 of no contact until last night someone ( we have a lot of mutual friends ) posted pictures of him with this girl smiling and all over each other. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. I just can't understand it at all. Again I lost my composure in acting on pure emotion I sent him a huge long email asking him how if he ever loved me could he do this to me, why did he play with me like I was a pawn in a game, and how could just come in and destroy someone's life like it was nothing . Promise them the world and then just discard them just like that.

 

His only response was that he did not care what I thought or had to say. That he didn't care about me at all anymore and to move on with life and to cease contact as it will never be anything and he has "put it past him" and refuses to ever go back.

 

I don't understand how someone can do that. How you can go form caring and loving someone in a week to them being absolutely nothing to you at all. It hurts so much because I tried to move on and he dragged me back just to screw me over and throw it in my face how much I never meant to him. He makes me feel so worthless.

 

I guess what I want to know is if this feeling ever gets any easier to cope with? I wake up everyday and just struggle to get through the day. When I can, I just lay in bed and don;t ever want to get out. I just want to sleep forever so I don't have to feel anything anymore, at all. I have never had anyone make me feel so horrible, so completely crazy and broken. And the fact that he just doesn't care at all makes it hurt so much more because I sacrificed so much for him and he;s off happy and with someone new when I am spending every day crying alone.

 

Everyone keeps telling me that I am so much better than him, that he's just a horrible person ( he's done this to multiple other people ) and to move on but I find myself paralyzed in the facts. They play over and over in my head and I can't seem to find any peace from them.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Sunshine09

[mightycpa]

It does get easier to cope with. You need to begin to start aligning the ideas in your head with the lunacy coming from your heart, point by point, piece by piece. It takes some time to straighten that whole thing out.

[DaisyBug]

I'm so sorry. What a roller coaster this guy is!! I know it's hard for you to believe now, but you are LUCKY he's done with you. Do you really want him treating you like a yoyo for the rest of your life?

 

 

Don't worry about this new girl. She is not getting a prize by any means, and will be tossed aside, reeled in, and tossed aside again. That smile of hers isn't going to last for long!!

 

 

It WILL get easier. You deserve so much better!!!

[Sunshine09]

I'm so sorry. What a roller coaster this guy is!! I know it's hard for you to believe now, but you are LUCKY he's done with you. Do you really want him treating you like a yoyo for the rest of your life?

 

 

Don't worry about this new girl. She is not getting a prize by any means, and will be tossed aside, reeled in, and tossed aside again. That smile of hers isn't going to last for long!!

 

 

It WILL get easier. You deserve so much better!!!

 

I know logically in my head that this is true. That he won't just change overnight and that he will just put her through the same thing he did to me and others. I guess there is just an illogical fear that maybe he will change for her and actually treat her well I think it stems from my own self worth issues which I am currently working on addressing as I have battled with them my whole life

 

Thank you for the support tho!

[Sunshine09]

UI guess what is making it so difficult for me is the fact he has just seemingly turned off anything he ever felt towards me at all within a week span and is so cold and rude.

 

I'd never treat someone the way he treats people so it's hard to wrap my brain around his behaviour and accept it. Maybe that contributes to why it hurts so much. Because I just can't understand and to know that maybe some people are just horrible people and that's all there is to it.

 

 

How do you just use people and then discard them without any feelings?

 

 

My mind keeps thinking there has to be an explanation and from what I've been reading I guess he is able to because he is with a new girl now who feeds his ego so I am no longer necessary.

 

 

I don't ever want him back, I know that I deserve so much better than what he is. I just want him to care I guess. Care about how much he screwed with my head and hurt me. That will never happen but I foolishly hold on to hope that one day it will register to him what he did and what he lost

I guess that's just me yearning to know that I actually meant something to him at some point in time and that it wasn't all just phony. It's a hard pill to swallow knowing you gave so much for what was probably a lie the entire time.

 

 

I wish I could just go date someone new like he can and forget everything like he has. How does someone just forget everything? Does jumping into things with a new person just erase it all? Because I don't feel like it does. Im not interested in anyone else because I still have do many unresolved feelings towards him despite how much of a jerk he is.

 

It makes me feel pathetic that I am this affected by a person who isn't affected by me at all. Or so it now seems to be the case . Why can't I just not care as well and stop wasting my energy thinking about him.

 

 

It also angers me the persona he puts on in public. So charismatic and charming but once the mask is off, there is a really ugly person underneath it all. We have a lot of mutual friends and it makes it harder because he makes himself off to be the victim and they don't know how abusive and manipulating he truly is.

 

 

Anyways thanks for allowing me to vent

Edited July 30, 2015 by Sunshine09

[Sunshine09]

Day 3 of NC

 

Today is extremely hard. Knowing that he is off having so much fun without a care in the world when I am having a hard time even getting through the days.

He is off with his friends and his new girl having the time of his life and I am here devastated. I'm sure it makes it a lot easier for him as well knowing how destroyed I am. It probably boosts his ego knowing that I'm miserable and he is doing so much better than me. I regret all of the emotional reactions and emails I sent him because of my emotions. I wish I had started NC so long ago and held on to my dignity so I would at least have that.

 

This one guy has been trying to get me to hang out for a few weeks now. He's nice and all but I know that there is zero attraction there and I just cant muster up the energy:( Maybe I should force myself to go out with people but I'll just end up feeling miserable having to fake that I'm happy when its the furthest thing from the truth.

 

I have been reading other posts for hope that this feelings eventually fades and will stop overwhelming every aspect of my life but I honestly don't feel like it will. I've never felt this over another person in my life. I've also never had such abusive and toxic relationship either. From what i have been reading to try and understand it all, I dated a BDP/Narcissist and that is why he is able to just move on like it is nothing at all. Why he would push and pull me like it was a game to him. How else can someone who claims they were so n love and wanted to marry you tell you " sometimes you just have to chalk up your losses and it is what it is" within a week of saying that?

 

I don;t believe you can love someone, truly, and be able to get on within weeks with another person. There has to be something faulty because I know I loved him and I'm a complete wreck, even when I know that he is bad news and that I deserve better. I STILL cannot seem to hold on to that and let go.

 

Is it because of the rejection and the fact that I feel like he betrayed me and tricked me into coming back just to turn around and discard me? I never knew that this could hurt SO BAD. I just want to be able to move on like he has. To truly not care anymore and have no feelings towards him whatsoever. You would think that someone making it adamantly clear that they do not care about you at all would cause you to have enough of this nonsense and get on with it? So why am I letting myself feel miserable and so heartbroken over someone who is so easily able to forget me? WHY do I seem to thrive in the torture of it all. Why can't my brain just register and forget and get on with life.

 

It also sucks that he doesn't even care about our dog. Considering he used to talk about him being his "son" and when I tried to leave how I was so cruel to take his "family" away from him. I don't understand how people can just destroy another person with zero remorse or empathy. How? How can you not feel anything at all? He got engaged to his ex prior to me and told me that within a month he just "changed his mind". That he never really loved her and that he was just settling. He also called all of his ex's crazy and tried to play the victim in all the circumstances. I guess I should have seen these massive warning signs in the beginning and ran away in the opposite direction. It's funny what charm does to a person. I believed him when he told me that he has never loved anyone so much or felt so strong before in his life. That no one he had ever dated compared to what he felt with me and that he could never picture his life without me in it. I was such a sucker for sweet talk. Even when his actions never matched his words I just wanted to believe so desperately I guess.

 

Now I've paid the price. And that price feels like I gave my soul away to the Devil.

[Sunshine09]

Day 5 No Contact

 

It seems to be getting easier as more days accumulate and the fact I have no way to know or see how he is doing.

 

This may be premature but for right now I think that I am going to be okay one day. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few months. But I'll be alright eventually. I cannot wait until the day I can wake up and honestly say that he will have no affect on me whatsoever. I know its going to take awhile and a lot of work on myself but it will be worth it in the end. I think that having no contact with them really does start making it SO much easier to move on because you are not constantly overanalyzing everything they said or what to say back or wishing you could have not said this and said that instead etc. As well not having any way to "check up" on him and torture myself also helps lol.

 

This site is really helping me stick to strict NC and giving me hope that I am strong enough to beat this feelings and move on with my life.

[pillowpuffs]

Dear Sunshine, I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I read your post a while back but was in a very bad place myself that I was unable to reply at that moment. Today, my family tried to knock some sense into me because I was self-destructing over someone who was not worth it and truthfully didn't care about me at all (as much as that hurts to say).

 

Tbh, when I hear people say that we're all going to be okay one day - I never understand it because somedays I don't feel like I will be either. It has been 2 months since my breakup and 2 months of NC - he hasn't tried to contact me and I haven't either. It has been painful every single day. Some days less than others. My ex and I were together for 6 years so I feel like I'm going to be in this struggle for a while... but the only thing I can tell you is that it will come and go in waves. I'm sure you've figured that out by now. Some days it will be so intense, functioning is almost impossible. And some days, you'll be able to think about it and it will hurt just a little. Some days, you'll go out and be able to fake it. Some days it'll be too exhausting and you'll end up on your bathroom floor just crying your eyes out. Unfortunately, that's normal.

 

I hope I haven't been too much of a downer. I just wanted to post something to let you know that I get what you're going through. I guess all we have to do is feel the pain, acknowledge it and slowly move towards acceptance. Good on you for being 5 days NC - being NC gets easier with time I think. I believe too that you will be able to move on. I cannot wait for the day that you wake up and feel nothing for your ex either - he sounds like a real tool, especially towards the end. You will find someone better and you will be okay. Take care.

[Sunshine09]

Dear Sunshine, I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I read your post a while back but was in a very bad place myself that I was unable to reply at that moment. Today, my family tried to knock some sense into me because I was self-destructing over someone who was not worth it and truthfully didn't care about me at all (as much as that hurts to say).

 

Tbh, when I hear people say that we're all going to be okay one day - I never understand it because somedays I don't feel like I will be either. It has been 2 months since my breakup and 2 months of NC - he hasn't tried to contact me and I haven't either. It has been painful every single day. Some days less than others. My ex and I were together for 6 years so I feel like I'm going to be in this struggle for a while... but the only thing I can tell you is that it will come and go in waves. I'm sure you've figured that out by now. Some days it will be so intense, functioning is almost impossible. And some days, you'll be able to think about it and it will hurt just a little. Some days, you'll go out and be able to fake it. Some days it'll be too exhausting and you'll end up on your bathroom floor just crying your eyes out. Unfortunately, that's normal.

 

I hope I haven't been too much of a downer. I just wanted to post something to let you know that I get what you're going through. I guess all we have to do is feel the pain, acknowledge it and slowly move towards acceptance. Good on you for being 5 days NC - being NC gets easier with time I think. I believe too that you will be able to move on. I cannot wait for the day that you wake up and feel nothing for your ex either - he sounds like a real tool, especially towards the end. You will find someone better and you will be okay. Take care.

 

 

 

Thanks for the post pillowpuffs

It really does help to know that others are ( have ) going (gone ) through the same thing and are able to relate. Especially when it seems that our ex's aren;t able to at all since they have already seemingly moved out with their lives without so much as a hiccup. You are absolutely right that in comes and goes in waves. This morning I was feeling pretty optimistic, tonight not so much.

 

 

So far I haven't had a complete breakdown like when I first found out. I haven't really even cried much but I think that is more to do with it being more numbing than anything at this moment in time. I keep wondering if he ever thinks of me at all and the really good moments we had . When we were good, we were great unfortunately there was also a a lot of bad and when it was bad, it was really really bad. I just wonder if I ever cross his mind anymore or if he hears a song or drives by the places we would go, if I come up at all. He comes in and out of my mind everyday. It's just hard to accept that they are now doing all those things with another person. All the things they used to do with you. It's a pretty depressing feeling to think about. I try not to linger on these thoughts or get too caught up in that because I know it's only going to torture myself to try and figure out why and how he could just seemingly forget I exist completely. When his words a few short weeks ago were the complete opposite.

 

I find that nighttime is the hardest, I guess maybe because I sleep alone now and it takes some getting used to when you always slept beside someone for years.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Without knowing him he sounds BDP/NPD of some sort. Alcoholism is definitely a warning sign of this condition. The push/pull, all that stuff. He definitely has a personality disorder of some kind. We accept the love we think we're worth. You should take that saying and run with it. Why would you accept this behavior is what you need to focus on.

 

He's gone, stop analyzing him and his new g/f. Start by analyzing yourself. What in you made you tolerate this behavior? I speak from experience, I recently got of a relationship with a girl who was textbook BPD. It was one hell of a roller coaster ride and I was glad to be done with it. I wouldn't get back together with her but she has a new bf now and I will admit it hurts. It stems from feelings she awakened in me that are from childhood. She made me acknowledge feelings I had. The first few months were bliss, the rest was dreadful and there was nothing I could do to make her happy. The fixer/caregiver part of me wanted to make things right and return back to that state. You can never return back to that state. No person deserves to be verbally abused and treated like that. The push/pull stuff is the worst thing in the world to deal with.

 

Scroll down a bit on this length, there are some good tips about BPD and other disorders. While it's not entirely 100% accurate it gives you good tools for coping and whatnot and explains some of the stuff I mentioned earlier.

 

I may have missed it but block him from all social media, seeing him with a girl is just going to make you grieve more.

 

GettinBetter.com's Articles

[Qboro90]

I'lol start off by saying I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know how difficult and gut wrenching breaking up and seeing your ex date and seem happy with someone else can be.

 

Now with that said I'm a bit surprised because when I read you post everything you were saying seemed completely logical and your mindset was in a mature place in regards to the reasons why you moved out the first time, then got back with him which you regretted doing, only to break up with again after his brothers death and the abide continued. I guess I'm confused as to why you mentally seem to know exactly what to do and what not to do yet your actions are sucking you right back in for more pain and heart ache. This guy was an absolute horrendous BF to you during your time together with sever emotional abuse as well as his own alchohol and drug use... Compounded with his mothers and families inability to get along or be civil with you. I think you are psyching yourself out and tricking yourself into thinking that he's magically all of a sudden become the guy you wished he could be now that he's with another girl.

 

This is absolutely false and just your own projection. I'm sure that if while you and him were together if someone was to look at your Facebook pages they would've thought "oh wow they look so happy, what a nice couple". Unfortunately social media is unable to convey the real story and you're only seeing the facade. He's just as crazy, just as abusive with her. She either just hasn't seen it yet or it's been hidden to this point since it's so new.

 

You are upset that he keeps "dragging you back in". This is actually YOUR fault. You're the one who sent him those letters and emails. You're the one who sent texts and replied to him reaching out. You're dragging yourself back in and I have no idea why. You're out... You should be thrilled that this part of your life is over and behind you and he's someone else's problem now.

 

Just because he's dating someone else doesn't mean that your relationship mean nothing to him or is less significant. However you wanting the validation that you were the real love of his life and he made the biggest mistake of your life is going to be a fairytale wish that serves no purpose in hearing him say. He's literally told you countless times that you mean nothing to him, then apologizes and say you mean everything to him.

 

I guess my question is why do you want to put yourself back in contact even just as friends or civilly. Block him on all social media, go No contact and actually stick to it permanently this time. Going a week or a month then texting him just to see how he's doing, or replying to his text after he breaks up with this girl and wants to sweet talk you will only prolong this hell for you.

 

Start matching up your actions with your brain. You know what you should do and what you need to be doing. Giving into the minority moments of weakness is what's holding you back from moving on.

[Sunshine09]

Without knowing him he sounds BDP/NPD of some sort. Alcoholism is definitely a warning sign of this condition. The push/pull, all that stuff. He definitely has a personality disorder of some kind. We accept the love we think we're worth. You should take that saying and run with it. Why would you accept this behavior is what you need to focus on.

 

He's gone, stop analyzing him and his new g/f. Start by analyzing yourself. What in you made you tolerate this behavior? I speak from experience, I recently got of a relationship with a girl who was textbook BPD. It was one hell of a roller coaster ride and I was glad to be done with it. I wouldn't get back together with her but she has a new bf now and I will admit it hurts. It stems from feelings she awakened in me that are from childhood. She made me acknowledge feelings I had. The first few months were bliss, the rest was dreadful and there was nothing I could do to make her happy. The fixer/caregiver part of me wanted to make things right and return back to that state. You can never return back to that state. No person deserves to be verbally abused and treated like that. The push/pull stuff is the worst thing in the world to deal with.

 

Scroll down a bit on this length, there are some good tips about BPD and other disorders. While it's not entirely 100% accurate it gives you good tools for coping and whatnot and explains some of the stuff I mentioned earlier.

 

I may have missed it but block him from all social media, seeing him with a girl is just going to make you grieve more.

 

GettinBetter.com's Articles

 

I stumbled across an article when I was googling the other week and I also agree with the BDP/NDP thing. Reading what these relationship are like was like reading my relationship in words lol. Everything clicked into place and a light bulb went off. I didn't have the best childhood and I am aware that I definitely have issues stemming from that , that I need to work on. I have always struggled with self-worth and I think that these relationships re-open childhood wounds and the feeling of not being enough. I think I also formed a trauma bond with him from what I am reading. It's a lot to take in all at once but I am definitely going to take a long time to just focus on myself and loving me before I ever think about getting into another relationship, that's for sure!

 

 

Thanks for the link and I did block him on everything as of six days ago now !

[foolinlove79]

I know logically in my head that this is true. That he won't just change overnight and that he will just put her through the same thing he did to me and others. I guess there is just an illogical fear that maybe he will change for her and actually treat her well I think it stems from my own self worth issues which I am currently working on addressing as I have battled with them my whole life

 

Thank you for the support tho!

 

I am pretty much in the same situation as you. Isnt it funny how someone can just turn off their feelings like that, if they had any to begin with that is. My ex has also moved on without a second thought to me and i am so scared that it will work out.

 

I think we really need to try and get to the point where we realise we are both better ofF without them. Easier said then done i know. I think its also good to remember when you first date someone everything is bliss. No one knows how it will turn out for them. And people dont change that much between partners.

 

My ex was a user. He used me while it suited him and when it wasnt fun anymore dumped me. My brother said to me that it probably wont work out cos leopards dont change their spots. And if it does by some chance work then i should feel sorry for her cos he will still be a selfish user who can turn in you at antime.

[Learningtowalkagain]

I stumbled across an article when I was googling the other week and I also agree with the BDP/NDP thing. Reading what these relationship are like was like reading my relationship in words lol. Everything clicked into place and a light bulb went off. I didn't have the best childhood and I am aware that I definitely have issues stemming from that , that I need to work on. I have always struggled with self-worth and I think that these relationships re-open childhood wounds and the feeling of not being enough. I think I also formed a trauma bond with him from what I am reading. It's a lot to take in all at once but I am definitely going to take a long time to just focus on myself and loving me before I ever think about getting into another relationship, that's for sure!

 

 

Thanks for the link and I did block him on everything as of six days ago now !

 

Glad to hear, you're well on your way to healing. I'm glad you psychoanalyzed yourself, I did the same thing to see why in the world I would tolerate such behavior. My issues were similar to yours.

[Sunshine09]

I am pretty much in the same situation as you. Isnt it funny how someone can just turn off their feelings like that, if they had any to begin with that is. My ex has also moved on without a second thought to me and i am so scared that it will work out.

 

I think we really need to try and get to the point where we realize we are both better ofF without them. Easier said then done i know. I think its also good to remember when you first date someone everything is bliss. No one knows how it will turn out for them. And people dont change that much between partners.

 

My ex was a user. He used me while it suited him and when it wasnt fun anymore dumped me. My brother said to me that it probably wont work out cos leopards dont change their spots. And if it does by some chance work then i should feel sorry for her cos he will still be a selfish user who can turn in you at anytime.

 

 

It's so true. People can't just truly change in a span of a few weeks. I agree wholeheartedly that you just need to get to the point where you realize you are better off without them. It sucks that sometimes our hearts want to fight this logic.

 

It's weird how toxic relationships seem to be so much harder to let go of. My relationships that were normal never caused me near this amount of anguish.

 

Still some days are really hard when you start to miss them and the moments where they really seemed to love you. I'll never know if those moments were real or not but I've got to accept that I'll never know.

 

I heard a song today that he used to say was our song so that had tripped me up a bit. But I'm not going to beat myself up for being upset over a jerk today because I think I just needed to cry for awhile. I haven't since I started no contact. I feel a bit of relief now that I have

 

I am so thankful for this site, bc of some issues I've had to cut half my family out of my life around the same time to its especially hard and I feel really isolated lately. Knowing there are others who understand makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Seeing how others have successfully moved on gives me hope.

Edited August 4, 2015 by Sunshine09

[Sunshine09]

Day 8 of no contact.

 

This is where I caved last time because I saw pictures of them both on Facebook. Really determined to get to 10 days. It will be a huge milestone for me.

[Gus Grimly]

Day 8 of no contact.

 

This is where I caved last time because I saw pictures of them both on Facebook. Really determined to get to 10 days. It will be a huge milestone for me.

 

Keep going. One excruciating day at a time.

 

I know how you are feeling. Facebook is the worst. 2 Weeks after I was dumped my Ex had professional photos taken of herself. She had her hair and makeup done to perfection, new clothes, was smiling like she couldn't be happier. Seeing those pics, her smiling while I'm in the depths of heartache and pain really hurt. Soon after I broke NC.

[pillowpuffs]

You can do it! Post here if you feel down/don't think you can make it to 10 days. We will be here to ensure that you do make it to 10 and then even more.

 

Stay strong.

[Felicite]

Hi Sunshine09, I'm sorry for what you're going through and I understand you.

 

I am also going through a recent breakup, from someone I loved, who one day just made up his mind that he would dump me and treat me in a very bad way.

 

Try to keep firm NC because it will keep you at a distance. Think of it as an airbag protecting you.You won’t be feeling ok all the time, me even after nearly 2 months I have really bad lapses, but it will keep you at a safe distance.

 

In your situation, this guy seemed really unstable and incapable of sticking to a decent behavior. He didn’t respect you and seemed very nasty. You really are better off without him, and even if you see pictures of him with a new girl or partying, remember they don’t always reflect the truth. Especially the fact that all this is happening in 1-2 weeks just shows it’s a cover up and a façade. Since he was used to alcohol and drugs, these are all stuff he does instead of facing reality and his real problems.

My ex sort of did the same thing, hanging out and getting stoned (with 21 yr olds lol). It could look like he was having a blast and was happy in a photo, but the reality was that he was in a ridiculous state.

 

So don’t fall for this trick and stay strong. At least you were true in what you felt, and you didn’t walk all over somebody’s heart.

[Sunshine09]

Thank you guys, it definitely has made it so much easier to stick to no contact with the support from this site!

 

I know one day I am going to turn around and feel so grateful for being forced out of that situation. I will actually THANK him for discarding me so that i have a chance to meet someone who will actually respect me as a person and treat me well.

 

Unfortunately my heart still loves him and so I have moments where I wonder if I'll ever feel such a strong connection with anyone else and whether he was the one and that I am destined to just be alone the rest of my life. I also keep thinking that deep down I know there is some good in him somewhere and that's why I kept putting up with everything. I guess my fear is that SHE will bring that out in him and he will live up to his potential with her. I guess it's the fear that I will be the failure and the reason everything didn't work out because I just wasn't good enough. Also the feeling that if someone so horrible could let me go, I must not be worth all that much?

 

Like someone said earlier, it's just a mirage I have stuck in my head and it is holding me back from fully letting go. Fully accepting the fact that he is gone forever and that it is done forever. I guess selfishly it would make it easier to know that he is hurting too and that it affects him in SOME way as well. You guys are right, pictures on social media never tell the whole story and the only one who can really know how he is, is him.

 

And the focus should be on ME now. MY health and MY future, what I WANT and what I NEED. I am trying really hard to take the focus off him and onto me and start turning all my energy into improving my own life.

 

It's so frustrating because logically I know what I need to do and such but emotionally sometimes I seem to just be back at square one. I am doing better at keeping the thoughts at bay when they do pop up and not letting them run off. I am getting better and refocusing my attention on something else.

 

Everyone says to go out and such but so many of my friends are too busy with their families or babies, and my family is estranged so sometimes I feel so isolated, besides my dog, that it's hard to find distractions. And I'm definitely not ready to go on any dates. Being stuck alone with your mind is not fun at all lol

[Gus Grimly]

Being stuck alone with your mind is not fun at all lol

 

It's a horrible feeling. Just hang in there. You can make it. Just post here if you're feeling bad. It does help.

[pillowpuffs]

Thank you guys, it definitely has made it so much easier to stick to no contact with the support from this site!

 

I know one day I am going to turn around and feel so grateful for being forced out of that situation. I will actually THANK him for discarding me so that i have a chance to meet someone who will actually respect me as a person and treat me well.

 

Unfortunately my heart still loves him and so I have moments where I wonder if I'll ever feel such a strong connection with anyone else and whether he was the one and that I am destined to just be alone the rest of my life. I also keep thinking that deep down I know there is some good in him somewhere and that's why I kept putting up with everything. I guess my fear is that SHE will bring that out in him and he will live up to his potential with her. I guess it's the fear that I will be the failure and the reason everything didn't work out because I just wasn't good enough. Also the feeling that if someone so horrible could let me go, I must not be worth all that much?

 

Like someone said earlier, it's just a mirage I have stuck in my head and it is holding me back from fully letting go. Fully accepting the fact that he is gone forever and that it is done forever. I guess selfishly it would make it easier to know that he is hurting too and that it affects him in SOME way as well. You guys are right, pictures on social media never tell the whole story and the only one who can really know how he is, is him.

 

And the focus should be on ME now. MY health and MY future, what I WANT and what I NEED. I am trying really hard to take the focus off him and onto me and start turning all my energy into improving my own life.

 

It's so frustrating because logically I know what I need to do and such but emotionally sometimes I seem to just be back at square one. I am doing better at keeping the thoughts at bay when they do pop up and not letting them run off. I am getting better and refocusing my attention on something else.

 

Everyone says to go out and such but so many of my friends are too busy with their families or babies, and my family is estranged so sometimes I feel so isolated, besides my dog, that it's hard to find distractions. And I'm definitely not ready to go on any dates. Being stuck alone with your mind is not fun at all lol

 

I bolded the parts above to tell you I know EXACTLY what you mean. This morning I had a real setback. I woke up from an awful nightmare, unable to go back to sleep despite having slept so little (this breakup has made sleeping really difficult for me) and then while texting my friend, I found out something that made me let out a mini scream followed by lots of sobs. It was awful. I calmed myself down and prayed to God and spoke to a friend on the phone and slowly.. it got a bit better and I felt more at ease.

 

A lot of my nightmares have to do with the whole thing you described above: I feel I got the worst of my ex and he got the best of me and now the girl he left me for probably has the best of him. I have also not felt good enough because I've felt that couples look at each other and see worth, to him I had no worth while he was everything I wanted.

 

There are moments as well where I feel like I will never be as happy as I was when I had my ex in my life because even when we were fighting or I was going out of my way for him - I was the happiest girl in the world, I was happy that it was him I was fighting with, I was happy that it was him I was going out of my way for (for example for his birthday last year I baked 2 (or was it 3?) different cakes for him because the first one broke when I removed it from the baking tray, so I woke up super early the next day to bake another one from scratch but I was happy to do it, I would have done anything for him honestly, I loved/love him a ridiculous amount). I genuinely don't know if I'll experience that sort of giddy happiness again. Maybe I was only meant to experience it once? While it hurts that I no longer have that fulfilment in my life, I am thankful I at least got to feel ridiculously happy for 6 whole years of my life you know?

 

I've hijacked this post with talk of me, I apologise. Just wanted to commiserate.

 

I hope you know that even though you feel emotionally you are at the start of the maze, it takes a lot of strength to write something as positively as you have despite only being a few days NC. That's how I know you're going to be okay because when I was where you were at, I was literally DYING. I didn't think that there was anything good in this world and I felt condemned!

 

Also, about the friend thing, my friends also can get really busy so I have been reading a lot and watching a lot of shows and movies. That helps me take my mind off of things for a while. Although, when the movie is done and all the distraction is gone, I feel down in the dumps again but I guess that's when another activity should be started? An idle mind is indeed the devil's playground!

Edited August 5, 2015 by pillowpuffs

[Speirling]

You're doing so well Sunshine, hold on, it does start to ease.

 

Sxxx

[Speirling]

Oh, by the way, I'm sure you feel broken right now (referring to the title-i certainly do and my story has similarities with yours) but so that you know, to an outsider it's very clear that you're not. Your writing shows how incredibly strong you are.

Sxxx

[Sunshine09]

I bolded the parts above to tell you I know EXACTLY what you mean. This morning I had a real setback. I woke up from an awful nightmare, unable to go back to sleep despite having slept so little (this breakup has made sleeping really difficult for me) and then while texting my friend, I found out something that made me let out a mini scream followed by lots of sobs. It was awful. I calmed myself down and prayed to God and spoke to a friend on the phone and slowly.. it got a bit better and I felt more at ease.

 

A lot of my nightmares have to do with the whole thing you described above: I feel I got the worst of my ex and he got the best of me and now the girl he left me for probably has the best of him. I have also not felt good enough because I've felt that couples look at each other and see worth, to him I had no worth while he was everything I wanted.

 

There are moments as well where I feel like I will never be as happy as I was when I had my ex in my life because even when we were fighting or I was going out of my way for him - I was the happiest girl in the world, I was happy that it was him I was fighting with, I was happy that it was him I was going out of my way for (for example for his birthday last year I baked 2 (or was it 3?) different cakes for him because the first one broke when I removed it from the baking tray, so I woke up super early the next day to bake another one from scratch but I was happy to do it, I would have done anything for him honestly, I loved/love him a ridiculous amount). I genuinely don't know if I'll experience that sort of giddy happiness again. Maybe I was only meant to experience it once? While it hurts that I no longer have that fulfilment in my life, I am thankful I at least got to feel ridiculously happy for 6 whole years of my life you know?

 

I've hijacked this post with talk of me, I apologise. Just wanted to commiserate.

 

I hope you know that even though you feel emotionally you are at the start of the maze, it takes a lot of strength to write something as positively as you have despite only being a few days NC. That's how I know you're going to be okay because when I was where you were at, I was literally DYING. I didn't think that there was anything good in this world and I felt condemned!

 

Also, about the friend thing, my friends also can get really busy so I have been reading a lot and watching a lot of shows and movies. That helps me take my mind off of things for a while. Although, when the movie is done and all the distraction is gone, I feel down in the dumps again but I guess that's when another activity should be started? An idle mind is indeed the devil's playground!

 

 

I am sorry that you had a setback today it sounds awful and that feeling is one of the worst things that one can feel, that's for sure. Thanks you for sating that I'm strong, it really means a lot to hear when I feel completely the opposite of it most of the time. Your ex seems like a fool to have let someone like you go, someone who was willing to go the extra mile to make things work. I have no doubts he will come to regret it in time.

 

 

I feel the same way in regards to ever having "that" feeling again. I've never had such an instant insanely strong connection with anyone else in my entire life and like you, I was content even when fighting because I would rather be fighting with him than doing something else with anyone else. I also baked for him on his birthday.

 

Unfortunately he didn't return that favour. He completely ignored me on my birthday ( we lived together ) and then left to get drunk after we got in a fight. He left me at the hospital once after telling me first to stfu and stop crying least someone thinks he is being " cruel" to me. It really hurts looking back to see how much of my self-respect I let slip away JUST because I loved him THAT much. Any normal person ( and ALL my friends ) think that I am bat**** crazy to miss him at all, to have even stayed as long as I did. And especially to have gone back.

 

Hell, half the time I am looking back and it makes me cringe when I think of all the hell that he put me through and the fact I just let him do it and then when I finally got the balls to leave, I caved so easily with just a few words of apologizes and false promises from him. Just to end up here. So I guess maybe life is forcing me to learn this lesson and really really make sure it sticks in my head.

 

That being said, I still doubt I will ever have that instant chemistry/pull towards another person again in my life but maybe there is a different kind of love that I have yet to experience that isn't about that but more a steady kind of love that constantly keeps building. I really don't know. At this point I don't ever even want to date again. It seems so overwhelming and so much effort to just possibly end in pain again. I feel like I gave all that I had left of me to him. I'm 28 but sometimes I feel like I'm 82 years old in the sense of things I have gone through and experienced in life thus far.

 

I just want to be alright with myself and comfortable in the possibility that I may well be alone the rest of my life.