I feel like I am broken

[Sunshine09]

Oh, by the way, I'm sure you feel broken right now (referring to the title-i certainly do and my story has similarities with yours) but so that you know, to an outsider it's very clear that you're not. Your writing shows how incredibly strong you are.

Sxxx

 

 

Thank you so much for this!

[aloneinaz]

 

I know one day I am going to turn around and feel so grateful for being forced out of that situation. I will actually THANK him for discarding me so that i have a chance to meet someone who will actually respect me as a person and treat me well.

 

 

You will, I promise.

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately my heart still loves him and so I have moments where I wonder if I'll ever feel such a strong connection with anyone else and whether he was the one and that I am destined to just be alone the rest of my life. I also keep thinking that deep down I know there is some good in him somewhere and that's why I kept putting up with everything. I guess my fear is that SHE will bring that out in him and he will live up to his potential with her. I guess it's the fear that I will be the failure and the reason everything didn't work out because I just wasn't good enough. Also the feeling that if someone so horrible could let me go, I must not be worth all that much?

 

 

 

 

These are totally normal feelings we all have when a relationship ends. Your feeling like this girl will "fix" him is simply not reality. With the issues you've described him with, he's going to be a LONG TERM project to get his @hit together. Getting off the booze and drugs will be his first challenge and imagine how much fun he will be going thru the withdrawal. That is, if he ever tries. My Momma always said "people DON'T change".. I know it's the truth. Yes, they can polish this or that about them but their core will not.

 

 

My last ex I figured out had BPD after she ended it with me. I was a mess for a few weeks after it. I also FINALLY realized she wouldn't change but had the same thoughts. "What if she addresses her issues and turns into the perfect GF for the next guy"? Those thoughts faded after a couple of months to not caring, as she wasn't my PROBLEM anymore. I'm happy in my LTR now while she's on her 3rd or 4th BF since me. I truly feel sorry for whatever guy she is with. His life must be a living hell like mine was!

 

 

It's also natural to take a hit on your self esteem after getting dumped, especially by someone damaged. What you need to tell yourself is you got dumped by a DAMAGED PERSON so they don't count. Besides, who cares as everyone has been dumped in their lives. Your picture shows you're VERY attractive and you'll have no problem finding another guy who will appreciate you.

 

 

What you need to do is stay NC and VANISH from his life. Block him on all social media. Don't reply to any contact from him, especially if his new girls kicks him to the curb and he runs back to you. Time passing and out of sight, out of mind is the only thing that will help. Also, when the intense pain is gone, try to casually date again. It REALLY helped me after I was dumped. The attention from the opposite sex quickly fixes our self esteem. Getting out with the opposite sex for conversations, laughs and companionship does wonders as well.

Edited August 5, 2015 by aloneinaz

[Sunshine09]

thanks for the reply aloneinaz

 

I have since I started NC this time around deleted him and blocked him on everything that he hadn't already done so.

 

The point you make about a damaged person dumping you is so accurate. What am I doing crying over that for? lol. It makes SO much sense. I hope I can one day make it to where you are.

 

My ex displays all the symptoms of BPD and NPD as well. He even told me a month or so ago that he had blocked all his prior ex's because they were all in relationships or engaged and it made him angry. That he would probably be single for the rest of his life. I guess with time, he will reveal his true colours to this new girl and god knows he won't get any help. I offered to go to counselling once but he refused and claimed it was retarded.

 

I hope that one day I can be one of those ex's who is happy in a healthy relationship. How long did you wait until you decided to venture back into the dating field? I was happily single for 2.5 years before I decided to date this guy.

[BriNyc82]

I know logically in my head that this is true. That he won't just change overnight and that he will just put her through the same thing he did to me and others. I guess there is just an illogical fear that maybe he will change for her and actually treat her well I think it stems from my own self worth issues which I am currently working on addressing as I have battled with them my wh

Thank you for the support tho!

 

Sounds like you dodged a bullet and this guy did you a favor. I know its the most awful feeling when someone can just do a 180 and tell you to move on. If you keep telling yourself all the things you mention above and keep repeating it over and over and over, one day it will click and you will actually start to believe it.

 

Keep going the NC route. Days will turn into weeks and weeks into months and you will feel better. I promise!

[aloneinaz]

thanks for the reply aloneinaz

 

I have since I started NC this time around deleted him and blocked him on everything that he hadn't already done so.

 

The point you make about a damaged person dumping you is so accurate. What am I doing crying over that for? lol. It makes SO much sense. I hope I can one day make it to where you are.

 

My ex displays all the symptoms of BPD and NPD as well. He even told me a month or so ago that he had blocked all his prior ex's because they were all in relationships or engaged and it made him angry. That he would probably be single for the rest of his life. I guess with time, he will reveal his true colours to this new girl and god knows he won't get any help. I offered to go to counselling once but he refused and claimed it was retarded.

 

I hope that one day I can be one of those ex's who is happy in a healthy relationship. How long did you wait until you decided to venture back into the dating field? I was happily single for 2.5 years before I decided to date this guy.

 

 

If he has those traits then he's not going to get better w/out A LOT of therapy. BPD people struggle with addictions to booze and drugs to hide from their emotional turmoil. Like me, you'll be glad he's in the rear view mirror in no time.

 

 

As far as dating again afterward? We'd broken up several times the last few months. The relationship was toxic and dysfunctional because of her issues. We'd break up over her latest melt down and get back together a week or two later with her promising to go to therapy. I KNEW I should of ended it before she did. SO, when she ended it AGAIN, I was ssoo done. I went hardcore NC, blocked her on everything and then suffered like crazy through major break up withdrawal for 3 weeks. Then, I started feeling better and joined some dating sites around a month after the break up. It wasn't to HIDE from the pain of the break up nor to rebound. It was because I wanted to move on and wanted to get out of the house to laugh, have conversations and spend time with the opposite sex. I knew if I stayed home thinking about her that I'd have a better chance at breaking NC and going back to her AGAIN. The first few dates where a bit awkward as far as me being comfortable. But then, I started to really enjoy the dating. Texting/flirting with woman, having different dates, etc.

 

 

Honestly? It was the BEST thing I did to stick to NC and heal completely from that R/S. Did I still think about the ex? Sure, but the feelings faded as each month went by. A few months after the break up, I was casually dating a couple of women that I knew wasn't going anywhere. I had a new date and was blown away by her. She was the most NORMAL gal I'd ever dated. Very positive, very happy in general and attractive. Within a couple of weeks, I was only seeing her. Her last R/S was a disaster that ending in a bad way due to him being a a-hole. We became a couple soon there after and have been together 2 years now. About 5-6 months after the ex ended us, she reappeared with horrible dumpers remorse. Her rebound failed miserably and within 5 days, she came right back to me. After several attempts on her part to communicate with me, I finally broke contact to tell her I was happily in a new relationship and good luck. She kept emailing for the next several months though and finally gave up.

 

 

Have you had any dates since you two ended?

[aloneinaz]

thanks for the reply aloneinaz

 

 

 

I guess with time, he will reveal his true colours to this new girl and god knows he won't get any help.

 

 

I forgot to comment on this part. If he has BPD traits in particular, they are VERY, VERY good at being on their best behavior for the first few months of a relationship. They are excellent at getting people to fall for them HARD. My ex was AAMMAZZING the first few months. I kept thinking "this is to good to be true".. She was, to quote that song "a lady on the street and a freak in the bed".. She was so sexual and sensual with lots of talent. I fell HARD for her. A few months in, she'd slip up and I'd see some red flags but ignored them. I'd say by month 5-6, I started sensing she had some baggage or issues that she always blamed on her divorce. By month 8, the wheels at come off the bus and it was a train wreck. She got tired of being on her best behavior and I saw the real her. Man, I should of RAN the other way but you know why we don't? Because we keep hoping they will return to the people we initially fell in love with. We know that doesn't happen..

[Sunshine09]

If he has those traits then he's not going to get better w/out A LOT of therapy. BPD people struggle with addictions to booze and drugs to hide from their emotional turmoil. Like me, you'll be glad he's in the rear view mirror in no time.

 

 

As far as dating again afterward? We'd broken up several times the last few months. The relationship was toxic and dysfunctional because of her issues. We'd break up over her latest melt down and get back together a week or two later with her promising to go to therapy. I KNEW I should of ended it before she did. SO, when she ended it AGAIN, I was ssoo done. I went hardcore NC, blocked her on everything and then suffered like crazy through major break up withdrawal for 3 weeks. Then, I started feeling better and joined some dating sites around a month after the break up. It wasn't to HIDE from the pain of the break up nor to rebound. It was because I wanted to move on and wanted to get out of the house to laugh, have conversations and spend time with the opposite sex. I knew if I stayed home thinking about her that I'd have a better chance at breaking NC and going back to her AGAIN. The first few dates where a bit awkward as far as me being comfortable. But then, I started to really enjoy the dating. Texting/flirting with woman, having different dates, etc.

 

 

Honestly? It was the BEST thing I did to stick to NC and heal completely from that R/S. Did I still think about the ex? Sure, but the feelings faded as each month went by. A few months after the break up, I was casually dating a couple of women that I knew wasn't going anywhere. I had a new date and was blown away by her. She was the most NORMAL gal I'd ever dated. Very positive, very happy in general and attractive. Within a couple of weeks, I was only seeing her. Her last R/S was a disaster that ending in a bad way due to him being a a-hole. We became a couple soon there after and have been together 2 years now. About 5-6 months after the ex ended us, she reappeared with horrible dumpers remorse. Her rebound failed miserably and within 5 days, she came right back to me. After several attempts on her part to communicate with me, I finally broke contact to tell her I was happily in a new relationship and good luck. She kept emailing for the next several months though and finally gave up.

 

 

Have you had any dates since you two ended?

 

 

Congrats on your new AWESOME relationship! Gives me hope, lol

 

And no, I haven't been on any dates since he officially ended it and I went NC 8 days ago.

 

I, like yourself, went through multiple mini breakups and everytime I would say to myself that I should leave and that enough was enough but I stuck around, because I loved him :/. The time before this last. I had made up my mind and actually moved out, with all my stuff and our dog. I had started the process of moving on and then he decided to come back and beg and plead and promise to change and how he had an awakening and realized how much he needed me in his life and how much he loved me and hadn't shown me yadda yadda. Unfortunately I got pulled back in, he can be very persuasive and charming, and now here I am.

 

 

As for dating, I've had a few guys show some interest but I just don't feel any attraction there and Im very hesitant to dip back into dating at all. It doesn't make me feel good when someone gives me attention really just makes me wonder all the more why he doesn't anymore or if he ever did.

 

I guess one day I'll get back in there

[aloneinaz]

Congrats on your new AWESOME relationship! Gives me hope, lol

 

And no, I haven't been on any dates since he officially ended it and I went NC 8 days ago.

 

I, like yourself, went through multiple mini breakups and everytime I would say to myself that I should leave and that enough was enough but I stuck around, because I loved him :/. The time before this last. I had made up my mind and actually moved out, with all my stuff and our dog. I had started the process of moving on and then he decided to come back and beg and plead and promise to change and how he had an awakening and realized how much he needed me in his life and how much he loved me and hadn't shown me yadda yadda. Unfortunately I got pulled back in, he can be very persuasive and charming, and now here I am.

 

 

As for dating, I've had a few guys show some interest but I just don't feel any attraction there and Im very hesitant to dip back into dating at all. It doesn't make me feel good when someone gives me attention really just makes me wonder all the more why he doesn't anymore or if he ever did.

 

I guess one day I'll get back in there

 

 

We humans are so alike. We all question if our exes truly loved us when we were together. I felt the same way after I was dumped. I was so confused, shell shocked, etc.. One day I was the "love of her life" to the next day when she'd blow up over something trivial and break up.

 

 

My belief is these damaged people do/did love us. When the ex came back after me, she sent these LLOONNGG emails about how much she screwed up, took me for granted and how much she loved me.. etc.. I think they are just damaged and can't handle strong, love feelings as they feel "engulfed" by them. Downtown is a contributor on this site and the expert on BPD. Perhaps he'll see this thread and articulate it more.

 

 

Either way, you just have to stay strong. I made a list of all the horrible crap she pulled on me. TRUST me when I say, I read it a lot the first month to keep me in NC. It really helped remind my brain when my heart was hurting. You just need to be prepared that he "may" return again, especially if his rebound ends. BPD's DON'T like to be alone, what so ever. My ex was back on the dating site 5-6 days after she ended us. Don't allow yourself to get sucked back into that dysfunctional R/S again as you already know the outcome.

 

 

As far as the dating, you'll know when you're ready to stick your toes back in the water. For the first 3 weeks, the thought of dating was not even a possibility. One week later, I felt good enough to start again.

WE all heal at different rates.

[Sunshine09]

I forgot to comment on this part. If he has BPD traits in particular, they are VERY, VERY good at being on their best behavior for the first few months of a relationship. They are excellent at getting people to fall for them HARD. My ex was AAMMAZZING the first few months. I kept thinking "this is to good to be true".. She was, to quote that song "a lady on the street and a freak in the bed".. She was so sexual and sensual with lots of talent. I fell HARD for her. A few months in, she'd slip up and I'd see some red flags but ignored them. I'd say by month 5-6, I started sensing she had some baggage or issues that she always blamed on her divorce. By month 8, the wheels at come off the bus and it was a train wreck. She got tired of being on her best behavior and I saw the real her. Man, I should of RAN the other way but you know why we don't? Because we keep hoping they will return to the people we initially fell in love with. We know that doesn't happen..

 

His good behaviour didn't even last 4 months, lol. There were red flags even then but I let them go because he could be oh so convincing and a sweetheart when he wanted to be :/ You are right, we do hope that they will return to the person they were in the beginning who seemed to genuinely care about you. It definitely doesn't ever happen once the fairytale was over, that was my biggest mistake, believing him everytime he would say hoe sorry he was and act like he used to, for a few days...

[lisbon67]

Hi there...I can relate to ething you're saying here.

I just split from my wife of 12 years in March...5 months ago. But although it had become a toxic dysfunctional relationship. ...I have struggled unbelievably with the ending of it. She is 37 I am 45...but in hindsight I know now that she has huge NPD and BPD....

But she is also so addictive and even tho we are separated I have found it impossible to do the 180 and the NC that all our wonderful friends here on LS recommended to me since we first split...I just can't do....I have withdrawal symptoms like a powerful drug...if I don't hear from her for 2 days. ..I crave her voice and my meeting with her....even if they end in arguments. And this is my ex who does not have another partner yet...how he heck will I cope when that happens when I can't even cope now living apart from her....so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you in your situation. ..I hope you keep up the NC...your a stronger person than me if u do...well done...

Why is it that toxic ..hugely damaging relationships are the hardest to break ??? It's crazy...

And my ex was even unfaithful to me only 3 months after marriage. ..often treated me like sh*t and manipulated the hell out of me for years...but I'm still addicted to her...but never been sure if I loved her...in the true sense. I empathise with your difficulties moving on....coz I stil can't. ...and want dearly to be in the place you desire to be ie "benign indifference " to your ex love. ..jeez that would be utopia. ..for both of us..

...and as another poster above said....I too had really nice caring normal gfs in the past and had NO problems when we finished....its paradoxical. ..and fecking weird !!

Good luck to you..and your a good looking woman so will have no troubles going back into the field...

[lisbon67]

Is it BPD ? ...hope I hot that right ..lol

...its funny ..when I first came on LS a few months ago...eone was great ...so helpful at a nightmarish time. ..people like drifter.. betrayedH...merrmead. ..Lionheart etc....but it took me ages to get to grips with all the acronisms (spelling ?)...all the loveshackers use...I was pulling my hair out trying to work them out. ..until one kind poster sent me the 'official ' list with all the meanings. ..jeez there were hundreds of them..and many were Americanism s that I had never heard of coming from Scotland. But they are so helpful for a tired hand...so we can't complain really...lol

[Realitycol]

Everyone keeps telling me that I am so much better than him, that he's just a horrible person ( he's done this to multiple other people ) and to move on but I find myself paralyzed in the facts. They play over and over in my head and I can't seem to find any peace from them.

 

I actually read every letter because it kind of sounded like me and my break up, except the part where he discarded you and moved on with another girl. I made mistakes with my women, but damn I can't even do what he did while intoxicated.

 

You should listen to everyone though. What you are feeling is that since you're a good human being you just cannot UNDERSTAND why he does what he does. Is that question of "why?" so important? He's ****ed up. There's no excuse. I wasn't nice to my ex-gf either. I could've listed excuses, but I rather not. People are fully responsible for every action they make.

[Sunshine09]

Hi there...I can relate to ething you're saying here.

I just split from my wife of 12 years in March...5 months ago. But although it had become a toxic dysfunctional relationship. ...I have struggled unbelievably with the ending of it. She is 37 I am 45...but in hindsight I know now that she has huge NPD and BPD....

But she is also so addictive and even tho we are separated I have found it impossible to do the 180 and the NC that all our wonderful friends here on LS recommended to me since we first split...I just can't do....I have withdrawal symptoms like a powerful drug...if I don't hear from her for 2 days. ..I crave her voice and my meeting with her....even if they end in arguments. And this is my ex who does not have another partner yet...how he heck will I cope when that happens when I can't even cope now living apart from her....so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you in your situation. ..I hope you keep up the NC...your a stronger person than me if u do...well done...

Why is it that toxic ..hugely damaging relationships are the hardest to break ??? It's crazy...

And my ex was even unfaithful to me only 3 months after marriage. ..often treated me like sh*t and manipulated the hell out of me for years...but I'm still addicted to her...but never been sure if I loved her...in the true sense. I empathise with your difficulties moving on....coz I stil can't. ...and want dearly to be in the place you desire to be ie "benign indifference " to your ex love. ..jeez that would be utopia. ..for both of us..

...and as another poster above said....I too had really nice caring normal gfs in the past and had NO problems when we finished....its paradoxical. ..and fecking weird !!

Good luck to you..and your a good looking woman so will have no troubles going back into the field...

 

 

It's taken multiple attempts for me to get here. They really are like a drug and the withdrawal is awful. I guess what finally prompted me into actual solid NC was him saying that he didn't care anymore for me at all and to get on with me life and never contact him again. This coming after I had poured what out in emails after seeing pictures of him with her on social media

It really messed me up because only a week prior he had been declaring his love for me and how he'd always care. I had never felt more betrayed and humiliated in my life.

 

 

My self worth was hanging by a thread at that point and I knew that if I wanted to keep a shred of my dignity I needed to cease all contact immediately. I struggle everyday buy it is getting easier which each day that passes to become accustomed to NOT having that person in your life snore. It did make it easier for me when he basically told me to **** off and get on with life as he's supposedly moved on with "her"

 

 

 

I still have really tough days, days I miss him but I just keep reminding myself how much better off I will be in a few months, years for him being completely out of my life. If he does ever try ans come back after his rebound crashes and burns I need to be stronger enough to be able to hold my head high and say no thank you.

 

 

Unfortunately staying in contact with them only seems to prolong your suffering and put off any chance of recovery and moving on. I know how addicting it feels, I went back and forth with him many times. It keeps the tiny bit of hope alive of.a reconciliation. NC forces you to accept the cold hard truth. They are never coming back, they do not care, and you need to accept it for what it is and try and focus on improving your own life.

 

 

It's damn near one of the hardest things to do

Especially when you have no answers to so many questions . The heart wants what it wants but sometimes it's not what we need.

 

 

That being said, knowing all this I still have moments when I swear I'd give it all up just to have him back again, to be near and feel him against my skin. Even if everything was only an illusion. I still have bad days buy it is getting easier to cope.

 

So If you ever decide to go the NC route, know that you are not alone and that you CAN do it.

[Realitycol]

You DON'T need an answer. You FEEL like you are entitled to one. Does it matter? So he explains formally, does it change what he did or is doing?

 

They MADE a choice and that choice didn't include you.

 

Yeah it sucks you're not included. We got ONE life. Some are fickle with how we spend it.

 

They thought it was best to abandon you. You're a catch and you don't need to feel sorry for yourself. Their loss. They truly lost what is good. They will realize it one day like a punch in the gut or not you don't have the time to wait. You are just a human being. You think you are in control over your own little life. You don't. You don't know what the next day will bring.

 

Man, some people can't tell there is gold in front of their eyes when you throw gold at them.

 

Meet someone who appreciates you and doesn't take you for granted.

[Sunshine09]

I don't really feel like so much of a "catch" these days, lol

 

I don't know why but today is a hard day, I'm so close to making it 10 days with NC, I've only ever made it 8 before.

 

I keep thinking today how much I do actually love him, flaws and all, despite what he's done to me. I don't know if this is my emotions talking and the whole bpd relationship stuff getting to me or whether I just know that I always will, no matter what.

 

I am starting to really accept that he is gone. Never to return but I can't kick the feeling that I still, and will always, love him. Whether he gets engaged, married etc. I can't shake that feeling today.

 

I;m sure tomorrow I;ll be back to being angry lol but I don't know. Is it possible to love people, even if you can never be with them, for the rest of your life? Isn't that what true love is, anyways? Loving someone regardless of the situation and circumstances. Even if you aren't together, because real love doesn't die?

 

Maybe I am fantasizing and being way too dramatic right now. I guess with time this feeling will fade but I don't think it will ever go away. Even just seeing a picture of him can bring back everything so strong and I can almost feel him near me. I miss his smile, and his laugh. I know it isn't good for me to focus on that but today it's all I can think about

[aloneinaz]

I don't really feel like so much of a "catch" these days, lol

 

I don't know why but today is a hard day, I'm so close to making it 10 days with NC, I've only ever made it 8 before.

 

I keep thinking today how much I do actually love him, flaws and all, despite what he's done to me. I don't know if this is my emotions talking and the whole bpd relationship stuff getting to me or whether I just know that I always will, no matter what.

 

I am starting to really accept that he is gone. Never to return but I can't kick the feeling that I still, and will always, love him. Whether he gets engaged, married etc. I can't shake that feeling today.

 

I;m sure tomorrow I;ll be back to being angry lol but I don't know. Is it possible to love people, even if you can never be with them, for the rest of your life? Isn't that what true love is, anyways? Loving someone regardless of the situation and circumstances. Even if you aren't together, because real love doesn't die?

 

Maybe I am fantasizing and being way too dramatic right now. I guess with time this feeling will fade but I don't think it will ever go away. Even just seeing a picture of him can bring back everything so strong and I can almost feel him near me. I miss his smile, and his laugh. I know it isn't good for me to focus on that but today it's all I can think about

 

 

You're being dramatic

 

 

Keep reading the threads here hon. Everyone who's been dumped refers to their ex as the "love of their lives", "soul partner", and the "person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with".. Again, those are normal, rejected thoughts and feelings, as is your worrying that you'll always love him.

 

 

There's so much truth to what the poster from Scotland said about it being harder to get over toxic, dysfunctional relationships with nasty exes than it is a relationship that ran it's course and the love faded.

 

 

I can tell you that YOU WILL get over this and your feeling will fade. But, you need to HELP yourself thru the process. STOP looking at pictures, emails, texts, social media! If you must keep those things, move them into a box and put it out of the way in your attic. My GF had a horrible ending to her last R/S with a toxic guy. She through away EVERYTHING of his. Emails, pictures, texts, etc. She wiped her place clean of any reminders. She says it was the best thing she could of done.

 

 

When my crazy ex ended us, I hated her and LOVED the nice version of her. I REEAALLLY loved the nice version of her as she was my first love after my divorce. I felt like I'd NEVER get over her the first month or two and had the same thoughts you're experiencing. Fast forward 6-8 months and I was indifferent to her when she came into my mind or when she was trying to get me back. Did I still care about her on some level? Yes, but I knew I was past what you're feeling. I knew that I could of run into her at a bar, seeing her make out with another guy and said to myself "poor bastard" as I smiled and walked by with it not bothering me in the least.

 

 

You'll get there IF you do the right thing. Stay NC! Get his stuff out of easy reach!

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

I don't really feel like so much of a "catch" these days, lol

 

I hear you there; I feel the same way most days until I think about the type of person that I am and what I have to offer others. It helps you realize you ARE a catch. Being so in love with someone who treats us this way is just an example.

 

I don't know why but today is a hard day, I'm so close to making it 10 days with NC, I've only ever made it 8 before.

 

I keep thinking today how much I do actually love him, flaws and all, despite what he's done to me. I don't know if this is my emotions talking and the whole bpd relationship stuff getting to me or whether I just know that I always will, no matter what.

 

You're doing great! I'm to the point now where I don't count the days anymore, I just keep on keeping on. I have many days like you described, but now there's more good days mixed in there.

 

I am starting to really accept that he is gone. Never to return but I can't kick the feeling that I still, and will always, love him. Whether he gets engaged, married etc. I can't shake that feeling today.

 

I;m sure tomorrow I;ll be back to being angry lol but I don't know. Is it possible to love people, even if you can never be with them, for the rest of your life? Isn't that what true love is, anyways? Loving someone regardless of the situation and circumstances. Even if you aren't together, because real love doesn't die?

 

Maybe I am fantasizing and being way too dramatic right now. I guess with time this feeling will fade but I don't think it will ever go away. Even just seeing a picture of him can bring back everything so strong and I can almost feel him near me. I miss his smile, and his laugh. I know it isn't good for me to focus on that but today it's all I can think about

 

(my comments are bolded above)

 

Sunshine, you're doing really well for yourself, even if it doesn't feel like it. All of the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing come to all of us, and they are hard. 2 days ago I was doing really well, today I've been a depressed wreck. The best way to get through it though is to tell yourself "yes, I'm depressed now, but it'll fade. It might come back later, but it WILL fade again. I'm going to be okay."

[jaskiegs]

Sunshine, thank you for sharing your story. While all end of relationship stories are different with different causes and regrets, it is amazing how many similarities there are. In coping with NC, I found it incredibly useful to understand the biology of love and break ups..perhaps it will help you.

 

When we start to fall in love, our bodies release endorphins to encourage the behavior. Part of our success as a species has been to form bonds of love in order to raise children. Those endorphins are incredibly powerful and are the source of drug addiction and other addictive behavior. But in love, they help us form, build, and secure our emotions to one another.

 

When you break up, those same chemicals in your body are released when you think about your loved one. Again, our species benefits from couple reconciling, at least from an evolutionary biological standpoint. Those humans that lived in the jungle that fight but get back together are more likely to raise children to adulthood.

 

So, understand that you are fighting your own body's mechanisms and that it takes a while for you to retrain your body to not release those chemicals. That's why people rebound because they achieve some of the same feelings and releases when they apply them to someone else. This is the source of the often misguided advice of, "The best way to get over someone is to get under another."

 

The way I try to think about it is to think about the pain in the same way I would a burned hand on the stove. My brain is being made aware of the pain so that I withdraw the hand from the stove. After that has occurred, the pain is no longer needed. I still feel it but I can put it in the right context knowing that someday the burn will not hurt any longer.

 

I am getting a tattoo in a couple of weeks that says,

 

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

 

The point is that in the space between stimulus (thinking about your ex) and response (contacting, sadness, despair), lies our freedom. That is something that was written by Viktor Frankl because of his time in concentration camps. It is a testament to what we can do if we remember ourselves and strive to be who we know we can be.

 

Best of luck.

[Sunshine09]

Sunshine, thank you for sharing your story. While all end of relationship stories are different with different causes and regrets, it is amazing how many similarities there are. In coping with NC, I found it incredibly useful to understand the biology of love and break ups..perhaps it will help you.

 

When we start to fall in love, our bodies release endorphins to encourage the behavior. Part of our success as a species has been to form bonds of love in order to raise children. Those endorphins are incredibly powerful and are the source of drug addiction and other addictive behavior. But in love, they help us form, build, and secure our emotions to one another.

 

When you break up, those same chemicals in your body are released when you think about your loved one. Again, our species benefits from couple reconciling, at least from an evolutionary biological standpoint. Those humans that lived in the jungle that fight but get back together are more likely to raise children to adulthood.

 

So, understand that you are fighting your own body's mechanisms and that it takes a while for you to retrain your body to not release those chemicals. That's why people rebound because they achieve some of the same feelings and releases when they apply them to someone else. This is the source of the often misguided advice of, "The best way to get over someone is to get under another."

 

The way I try to think about it is to think about the pain in the same way I would a burned hand on the stove. My brain is being made aware of the pain so that I withdraw the hand from the stove. After that has occurred, the pain is no longer needed. I still feel it but I can put it in the right context knowing that someday the burn will not hurt any longer.

 

I am getting a tattoo in a couple of weeks that says,

 

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

 

The point is that in the space between stimulus (thinking about your ex) and response (contacting, sadness, despair), lies our freedom. That is something that was written by Viktor Frankl because of his time in concentration camps. It is a testament to what we can do if we remember ourselves and strive to be who we know we can be.

 

Best of luck.

 

I actually read a book by Mr Frankl. Perhaps I should read it again

[Sunshine09]

10 Days No Contact.

 

This is a HUGE milestone for me, can't believe I made it here. Four more days and it will be two weeks!

[LivingDeadGrl]

I know exactly what you're going through. It hurts because a part of you wishes they would still beg for you and be heart broken, you want them to feel devastated the same way you do.

Unfortunately guys like this don't feel devastation, and if they ever do it's always much later on when they see you happy with someone else. I am sure you have not heard the last from him.

 

Leopards don't change their spots, they really don't. He will just eventually treat her the same way he treated you, take comfort in that if it makes you feel any better. It sucks for the girl but it's up to her to figure him out.

[pillowpuffs]

I am sorry that you had a setback today it sounds awful and that feeling is one of the worst things that one can feel, that's for sure. Thanks you for sating that I'm strong, it really means a lot to hear when I feel completely the opposite of it most of the time. Your ex seems like a fool to have let someone like you go, someone who was willing to go the extra mile to make things work. I have no doubts he will come to regret it in time.

 

 

I feel the same way in regards to ever having "that" feeling again. I've never had such an instant insanely strong connection with anyone else in my entire life and like you, I was content even when fighting because I would rather be fighting with him than doing something else with anyone else. I also baked for him on his birthday.

 

Unfortunately he didn't return that favour. He completely ignored me on my birthday ( we lived together ) and then left to get drunk after we got in a fight. He left me at the hospital once after telling me first to stfu and stop crying least someone thinks he is being " cruel" to me. It really hurts looking back to see how much of my self-respect I let slip away JUST because I loved him THAT much. Any normal person ( and ALL my friends ) think that I am bat**** crazy to miss him at all, to have even stayed as long as I did. And especially to have gone back.

 

Hell, half the time I am looking back and it makes me cringe when I think of all the hell that he put me through and the fact I just let him do it and then when I finally got the balls to leave, I caved so easily with just a few words of apologizes and false promises from him. Just to end up here. So I guess maybe life is forcing me to learn this lesson and really really make sure it sticks in my head.

 

That being said, I still doubt I will ever have that instant chemistry/pull towards another person again in my life but maybe there is a different kind of love that I have yet to experience that isn't about that but more a steady kind of love that constantly keeps building. I really don't know. At this point I don't ever even want to date again. It seems so overwhelming and so much effort to just possibly end in pain again. I feel like I gave all that I had left of me to him. I'm 28 but sometimes I feel like I'm 82 years old in the sense of things I have gone through and experienced in life thus far.

 

I just want to be alright with myself and comfortable in the possibility that I may well be alone the rest of my life.

 

Oh god! He sounds like a real idiot! I look back too now and think sometimes, wow I had no respect for myself at that moment or whatever because I compromised on a lot of things I wanted, just to keep him happy so I know exactly what you mean.

 

Sometimes I think some people show us who they truly are but for a long time we just tell ourselves nope and refuse to see things for what they are and we continue on thinking everything will be okay. When they break up with us, it's actually a "gift" (although I'm finding that hard to believe right now, I have hope that someday I will).

 

You will date again and you will find someone else. But yes, it's important to be okay with yourself first. I think that was a real problem for me. I was an unhappy girl generally and then I met my ex and everything changed.. and now I need to learn to look for happiness in myself because my happiness stupidly depended on him and him alone.

 

I'm glad you made it to 10 days NC. You will keep getting better at it. I hope you're feeling better today as well.

Edited August 7, 2015 by pillowpuffs

[Sunshine09]

Thanks for the continued support, you guys rock!

 

So I hung out with a guy yesterday whom I've always been attracted to, known him for about two years, and it was so much fun. For the first time, in a long time, I didn't think of my ex once! It was so refreshing lol. And to be around someone who actually appreciated my company.

 

Today was a bit of a come down from that high but it definitely helped to give me a different perspective and see that there are OTHER people out there. I don't think I'm anywhere close to ready to date or anything like that but I was able to genuinely smile and have fun.

 

I am honestly so glad I decided to go full NC 11 days ago, it has helped SO much in aiding me in the moving on process. I still feel like I love my ex but I don't feel devastated by it anymore.

[Sunshine09]

I know exactly what you're going through. It hurts because a part of you wishes they would still beg for you and be heart broken, you want them to feel devastated the same way you do.

Unfortunately guys like this don't feel devastation, and if they ever do it's always much later on when they see you happy with someone else. I am sure you have not heard the last from him.

 

Leopards don't change their spots, they really don't. He will just eventually treat her the same way he treated you, take comfort in that if it makes you feel any better. It sucks for the girl but it's up to her to figure him out.

 

I won't lie, thinking along these lines does give me a lot of comfort. I figure he can't just magically change overnight. Even if he does though, my goal is to get to the point where I am honestly just indifferent to it all and can wish him the best ( WAY easier said than done lol )

[pillowpuffs]

Good to hear you've been doing better! I'm glad you got to hang out with someone and felt close to normal again Hearing you sound positive makes me feel somewhat positive too.