I feel like I am broken

[HeaderIsBack]

Keep going! It does get better! I'm 7 months into my BU and I thought I was better (I really did feel awesome) until I saw a pic of my exgf with her exbf. I was (and am) destroyed. But I know I'll get through this like I got through the BU the first time.

 

There's no other way. Healing, wheter you want it or not, is the only path you'll go through.

[Sunshine09]

I share your sentiments. Your ex is just incredibly selfish. I genuinely think he doesn't really know what he's doing himself and because of that, he's messing up not only his life, he messed with yours and possibly even with this other girl. Some part of me hopes he'll mature soon but another part of me knows guys like that don't ever really mature at all.

 

I wish I could tell you why it bothers you. I guess it's because we're possessive beings or I guess it's the idea of being replaced that bothers us. I'm not too sure entirely. Maybe it's also the fact that we're not able to let go; we're not able to see ourselves with others yet for them its been done and they seem to be just moving along fine.

 

You are definitely a good person with a good heart. And yea, sometimes this universe is just funny. We pine over people who couldn't give 2 ****s about us. I don't know when it'll end. I hope every morning I'll wake up feeling stronger and being able to completely let go but through the day I realise that I've spent more thought on my ex than I'd like to admit. It's a constant battle.

 

Everyone has NC struggles btw, don't be hard on yourself. You're going to be just fine. He showed you his true colors again - hopefully this time you'll remember what happened the last time you broke NC, if you feel tempted again, and you'll see that you genuinely deserve better.

 

I've been alright. I've had my struggles to be honest. It's up and down. I was fine for the last few hours but then I was driving somewhere alone and something reminded me of my ex and I started crying because I missed him so much. Silly me.

 

It's crazy how random things can bring you right back to how you felt the first few day after. It's like a tidal wave of emotions come crashing back and drown you.

 

Hopefully for us they become less and less until eventually the sea stays calm.

 

I am hoping that the ups and downs we experience is just part of the healing process .

 

I wake up feeling the same way as you, and again, end up spending way too much time in regards to what he's thinking/doing. When I know full well I am the last thing on HIS mind. It's pretty frustrating that someone occupies so much of your mind when you are trying so hard to forget about them.

 

It's so hard to understand how they can be with other people when you can't picture yourself with anyone but. How odd that it works that way. I guess because they have emotionally detached far before you have started to attempt the process. But still, here we are wishing so bad to be able NOT to care yet are burdened by the fact that we still do, to a great extent. It made it harder for me, again, because he told me he loved me and always would and still wasn't sure if "marrying me wasn't what he wanted in life" when I agreed to go out for dinner. All in all it was pretty much just a huge mind**** and a way for him to boost his ego in a massive way by ensuring that I was still pining after him and hadn't moved on. It's like he wanted to shove that in my face and then on top of that, tell me how much he HAD moved on and how much he didn't ever want to date me again.

 

 

ps. you're not silly, just human

[Sunshine09]

Keep going! It does get better! I'm 7 months into my BU and I thought I was better (I really did feel awesome) until I saw a pic of my exgf with her exbf. I was (and am) destroyed. But I know I'll get through this like I got through the BU the first time.

 

There's no other way. Healing, wheter you want it or not, is the only path you'll go through.

 

I'm sorry you had to see that, it must have been pretty awful

kudos to you for making it this far!

[Sunshine09]

Day 7 no contact.

 

I was doing well today but tonight is a different story. I guess because a picture of his new girl showed up on someone's social media page and since I've just felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Because he chose her, tho he said he wanted to be single....it just hurts I guess when you're still so in love with them and they're in like with someone else . Not only does it hurt but it's also humiliating because you feel like such a damn fool for caring about someone who has completely forgot about you and moved on. After letting them use and discard you like trash.

 

I think this is one of the most awful feelings in the world...

[Sunshine09]

Almost halfway to where I was before I caved last time. I miss him a lot today, I think it's because I'm sick and just don't feel well in general. A positive is that I really don't have any urge to contact him at all. He made it crystal clear how much I don't mean to him and I'm not about to lose any more of my dignity reaching out.

[pillowpuffs]

Almost halfway to where I was before I caved last time. I miss him a lot today, I think it's because I'm sick and just don't feel well in general. A positive is that I really don't have any urge to contact him at all. He made it crystal clear how much I don't mean to him and I'm not about to lose any more of my dignity reaching out.

 

You are going to make it through to more days and you will make it through NC as well. I know you're hurting and I know you miss him Im sorry you do.. if it helps, I also miss my ex terribly just because.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime you feel like you're going to break NC. Btw, I dropped you a private message a while back!

 

I don't know if you mean nothing to him - I think he really doesn't know what he wants and is just going to do whatever he feels like at whatever moment. But yes, hold onto the dignity that you have now and don't contact him. He is really truly not worth it.

[BriNyc82]

Almost halfway to where I was before I caved last time. I miss him a lot today, I think it's because I'm sick and just don't feel well in general. A positive is that I really don't have any urge to contact him at all. He made it crystal clear how much I don't mean to him and I'm not about to lose any more of my dignity reaching out.

 

 

This is a good thing, not a setback because now you don't have to fight any urges of Contacting him. It definitely stings but now that you don't feel the need to reach out I do believe this is where you will really start healing.

[Sunshine09]

You are going to make it through to more days and you will make it through NC as well. I know you're hurting and I know you miss him Im sorry you do.. if it helps, I also miss my ex terribly just because.

 

Feel free to PM me anytime you feel like you're going to break NC. Btw, I dropped you a private message a while back!

 

I don't know if you mean nothing to him - I think he really doesn't know what he wants and is just going to do whatever he feels like at whatever moment. But yes, hold onto the dignity that you have now and don't contact him. He is really truly not worth it.

 

I wasn't even aware we could receive messages!? lol my bad! I wasn't ignoring you, I will try and figure out how to check them tonight lol

 

This weekend is going to be tough because he is going away up to his cottage with everyone for the long weekend and I know that pictures will end up on social media since we share a lot of the same mutual friends.

[Sunshine09]

Day 13 NC this time around

 

Not the worst day but not the best day.

 

 

God how I wish I could find a way for my brain to thwart thoughts of him. You'd think by now it would have gotten old.

 

I keep thinking that it's just because of the huge sense or rejection that I think about it all so much. Because it brings back childhood memories of my family's ultimate rejection of me. Yet I just don't understand why I feel so much this time when in the past I've literally felt sad for maybe a week or two and then I am on my way getting on with life.

 

 

It's not like this is my first love either or anything like that nor my first toxic relationship. I guess when you really do love someone it doesn't just go away . I guess all I can really hope for is for it to fade into the background one day to where it's not a constant thought in my mind.

[ah1295]

Day 13 NC this time around

 

Not the worst day but not the best day.

 

 

God how I wish I could find a way for my brain to thwart thoughts of him. You'd think by now it would have gotten old.

 

I keep thinking that it's just because of the huge sense or rejection that I think about it all so much. Because it brings back childhood memories of my family's ultimate rejection of me. Yet I just don't understand why I feel so much this time when in the past I've literally felt sad for maybe a week or two and then I am on my way getting on with life.

 

 

It's not like this is my first love either or anything like that nor my first toxic relationship. I guess when you really do love someone it doesn't just go away . I guess all I can really hope for is for it to fade into the background one day to where it's not a constant thought in my mind.

 

This weekend is the worst. I have to read through all your posts but noticed the similarity with the FB pics with girl. It is like a stabbing in the heart. You're so pretty. I know when the time is right you will find someone else amazing. So glad I found this forum. I need the support. Will you take a look at my post below, I think I called it "Appreciate Perspectives"? I'm so confused

 

Haven't left my house today and not much the entire weekend. This tough. A lot of my social life is connected through my guy so I don't really have a way to "go out with friends to distract myself" and all my other friends are with their boyfriends or families. The isolation just makes this worse. I'm really into working out but I just didn't want to go today. It's hit me the worst or second to worst today out of 16 days. I've been really good the past two weeks making as many plans and not thinking past a few hours or so. It's been a constant thought on my mind too and that is worst part. I don't have many distractions. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone

[ScienceGal]

Sometimes the guys who treat us the worst or we know are wrong for us are the hardest to get over!

 

Ugh. I know this all to well. Who the hell in the universe decided that this could ever happen!?

 

When I came to LS I thought the love of my life had just left me. 4 years later, let me tell you that I was wrong! I am so glad to not be with him today. I've had other relationships and other heartbreaks, but none as bad as that.

 

Good luck, Sunshine. You will get there. There's no way to necessarily speed up healing, but there are ways to prevent setting yourself back. NC is crucial.

[Sunshine09]

This weekend is the worst. I have to read through all your posts but noticed the similarity with the FB pics with girl. It is like a stabbing in the heart. You're so pretty. I know when the time is right you will find someone else amazing. So glad I found this forum. I need the support. Will you take a look at my post below, I think I called it "Appreciate Perspectives"? I'm so confused

 

Haven't left my house today and not much the entire weekend. This tough. A lot of my social life is connected through my guy so I don't really have a way to "go out with friends to distract myself" and all my other friends are with their boyfriends or families. The isolation just makes this worse. I'm really into working out but I just didn't want to go today. It's hit me the worst or second to worst today out of 16 days. I've been really good the past two weeks making as many plans and not thinking past a few hours or so. It's been a constant thought on my mind too and that is worst part. I don't have many distractions. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone

 

Him and I share a lot of the same mutual friends ad well and a lot of my friends are also married with families or busy with s/o. So I hear you loud on the isolation. A lot of the time I'm left to my own devices and mind which can be torture when it wants to be .

 

I read that you have mad ir 26 days NC. That is huge ! It takes so much will power and just goes to show how strong of a person you are.

[ah1295]

Him and I share a lot of the same mutual friends ad well and a lot of my friends are also married with families or busy with s/o. So I hear you loud on the isolation. A lot of the time I'm left to my own devices and mind which can be torture when it wants to be .

 

I read that you have mad ir 26 days NC. That is huge ! It takes so much will power and just goes to show how strong of a person you are.

 

Haha well its only actually 16 days. It actually wasn't meant to be no contact. I didnt even realize that was an official thing. I just wanted him to wake up so it was kind of like a power play. Which feels like its failing. Or that I didn't mean much to him at all if he doesn't want to fix. I guess I'm having a dilemma because I know most couples communicate and work through things. I would consider it a negative about myself because cutting people off hasn't gotten me closer to what i want. Well so far. And it seems like he is doing fine or great. I don't know why I called it FB it was actually instagram where I saw this. I don't really do FB and we've never followed each other by my choice so I didn't have to block him or any of that. But saw that photo through instagram because it came up on my feed. I'd have to start unfollowing other people to not run into future stuff. Maybe I will just have to stay off. I rarely go to his FB because since I started liking him I always felt invasive if I did and would read stuff into posts or likes or friends I saw he had. This was at beginning when I was uncertain of what our dating would turn into. I have never gone there more than 6 times since I've known him. Just yesterday before I saw her instagram pic which was this am, I tried to find him and he deleted or deactivated his FB. I know he didn't block me because I don't follow him and a regular Google search says he doesn't exist. Two nights ago I had had a weird dream that it said In a relationship and felt like I had to check even though that's ridiculous that he'd be in a new relationship already and he's not type to put that as his status (which didn't bother me because I'm not that type either). At first my mind went to all sorts of other girl reasons he would deactivated but he has nothing to hide. I guess he's not obligated to me, his photos are mostly private anyway and he's a guy guy and doesn't post much. The other time he deactivated was a few years ago when he broke up with his exgf because it was hurtful to him and he was in a bad place. I was kind if hopeful that was reason he did it now. I did research and that is a very typical reason. I didn't know what to think. Thought at least I've impacted him but now this pic this am. I know that event happened partly as an ego boost. I'm rambling now by realize that's what your ex is doing so quickly with new girl. Ego boost.

[Sunshine09]

I meant 16 * damn phone lol

 

My ex has me blocked in facebook, even after this last time saying he wanted to be friends. First he told me it was because it was too hard to see my profile and then he told me it was because he hated me. Who even knows really. But either way I'm going to assume if affects him somehow if he has.

 

 

Your situation is a bit different as you never officially broke up I guess but still I agree that if he really wanted to work it out, that he would be the one to contact you.

 

 

 

Tonight for some reason I am finding very difficult. Flood of memories keep coming and I have such a huge sense of loss.

 

 

It's weird though, I rarely cry anymore and if I do it only lasts around 10 min. It's like my body knows deep down its not worth the exhaustion anymore.

[ah1295]

I meant 16 * damn phone lol

 

My ex has me blocked in facebook, even after this last time saying he wanted to be friends. First he told me it was because it was too hard to see my profile and then he told me it was because he hated me. Who even knows really. But either way I'm going to assume if affects him somehow if he has.

 

 

Your situation is a bit different as you never officially broke up I guess but still I agree that if he really wanted to work it out, that he would be the one to contact you.

 

 

 

Tonight for some reason I am finding very difficult. Flood of memories keep coming and I have such a huge sense of loss.

 

 

It's weird though, I rarely cry anymore and if I do it only lasts around 10 min. It's like my body knows deep down its not worth the exhaustion anymore.

 

The crying days felt ok. Is that just me? I think it was the release of emotion or feeling like you were doing was something helpful. I only had 3 days of crying. First two and one last week. I would want one now. The other days I'm sad, hopeless or trying really hard to be hopeful and not getting very far or agitated. Yesterday I was angry which felt a little helpful but then I just got agitated again. Angry, upset, sad, anxious, insecure. This is the worst state. Especially anxious. That's what seeing the social media stuff does to me. I may be able to go 16 days no contact but now that I am worried about that girl situation I won't be able to not see what's going on social media. I can tell myself I won't check his and do it which I can't now anyway since he deactivated but I will see hers and won't be able to stop myself.

 

I'm so exhausted too. I don't want you to be going through this or anyone here to be going through it but it is good that we have each other for support. I don't have many friends here that aren't part of him and the ones I do have that are separate here I don't want to show this side of myself too. You are lucky to have your dog. I can't get one but I keep thinking that would really help right now.

 

Last time I broke up with my live-in bf (a different guy, a while ago), I lost 10 pounds in a week. I wish that was happening now. That I could be down with! It would be best part of this.

 

I will keep coming back to your post to see how you are doing. I'm sure it will get better. You've been through a lot. Give yourself credit for making it through and getting this far.

[Sunshine09]

16 Days

 

Two more days and I am back to where I caved last time. Still have no urge to contact him at all. I guess that's what happens when they destroy almost all the dignity you have left and you are left feeling humiliated :/ lol

 

 

I was out walking my dog today in the Sun and for awhile I felt like I was really content. Content being alone, with myself.

 

Now it's a few hours later and I am back to reminiscing about him and things he used to say/do and the sting of imagining him doing them with my replacement.

 

Still, I think I know that I am going to be okay. I don't want to date at all, I just want to focus on my future and being okay and good with ME before anything else. I really need to heal myself I think before I can try and have a healthy relationship in the future.

 

 

I still miss him a lot at times, I definitely still love him. I guess now it's not so much about changing that but accepting that we are not meant to be together and that it's still okay to have these feelings despite that. I don't need to try and force them away or forget them. I just need to learn to continue on with my life in spite of the way I am feeling now.

[ah1295]

Awesome that you made it 16 days! So good. What a great day to feel like you did out with dog and sun and being content. That's a good step. Happy for you!

[Eighty_nine]

Hang in there. I went through exactly the same thing one year ago almost exactly. I was friendly to him after running into him once s few months ago, and since then HE has texted me, acting jealous of my boyfriend, apologizing for his bad behavior and obviously missing me. And now I have no interest in being with him whatsoever.

 

I know stories like that mean nothing when you're in the thick of it though. But it WILL pass. One day you wake up and the despair is just less intense. A little while later you'll wake up and it'll be gone. It happens so fast and feels like it'll never happen, but I promise, you'll get there. I was DEVASTATED, hardly functional when I finally ended things with him, but now my life is so happy. So much better than it was with him.

[Sunshine09]

Today was pretty stressful

 

 

I had to break NC in order to tell my ex that I might have to put our dog down. I kept it to a minimum and only strictly discussed the situation with the dog. When he inquired as to how I was, I did not reply.

 

 

 

Last night he unblocked me from Facebook, for reasons only god can know. Anyways its not really on topic but my dog, for the past three weeks or so, has shown signs of aggressive behaviour towards other people and dogs. This is very concerning to me as he is only 11 months and I have never had any problems with previous dogs becoming aggressive/ I ended up breaking down and crying in the middle of the vet's office which was hugely embarrassing.

 

Anyways, needless to say, I don;t feel the need to engage in conversation with him at all. Which I guess is a GOOD thing.

 

I don't know/ My brain is scrambled at the possibility that I might have to put my dog down if I cannot get his behaviour under control. I am hoping that working with a behavioural specialist will be able to help me.

 

 

My dog has been my rock throughout everything and I don;t know what I would do without him. It would absolutely destroy me

[MINDSHIFT]

You need to work on controlling your dog. A healthy dog should never be put down!!! Im pretty sure you can fix his behaviour DIY style, look for books on amazon. You wouldnt kill your child because there aggressive. Would you? your more likely to blame the parents!

 

You have more then enough time to control your dog behaviour, its only 11 months, devote your time and patience.

 

As for telling your ex, was that necessary or was you looking for someone to cry too. When i first started reading your post i thought you was gonna say your dog had an illness. It probably looks to your ex like your being over dramatic and reaching out to talk to him.

[pillowpuffs]

I hope your dog is better now? I hope he'll be fine... and you are going to be absolutely fine too. I'm sure of it.

 

It's good that you didn't reply your ex when he enquired about you. That really is a big step! Hope your NC journey is okay again - don't look at it as starting again, makes it so hard to conquer I feel. You're always better off from where you last started off okay?

[Sunshine09]

No, my dog is getting worse

 

 

Im trying my best to get help and for someone to work with us to help change this behaviour otherwise I will have to likely put him down which will really, really suck a lot

 

I am so stressed out right now

 

 

I guess its kind of a good thing because I am way too stressed to even be worrying about my ex at this point at all

[Sunshine09]

You need to work on controlling your dog. A healthy dog should never be put down!!! Im pretty sure you can fix his behaviour DIY style, look for books on amazon. You wouldnt kill your child because there aggressive. Would you? your more likely to blame the parents!

 

You have more then enough time to control your dog behaviour, its only 11 months, devote your time and patience.

 

As for telling your ex, was that necessary or was you looking for someone to cry too. When i first started reading your post i thought you was gonna say your dog had an illness. It probably looks to your ex like your being over dramatic and reaching out to talk to him.

 

 

putting my dog down qould be a LAST RESORT

 

I absolutely LOVE my dog

 

My problem is that he HATES my roommate. I cant have him around her in the house without a leash on. He WILL attack her

 

 

I am in the midst of trying to contact a behaviour specialist to work with me and have been trying to implement training techniques.

 

I am overwhelmed and way over my head. I'm not just deciding to put him down because it is too hard. I will exhaust other resources first

[pillowpuffs]

Dogs can and will learn so please do get some professional help to train him and all will be okay I should think. I guess it's a bit hard to really know because I don't have much context.

 

What kind of breed is he?

[Sunshine09]

He's an 11 month old Boston Terrier

 

We have been working with a trainer lately. Things seem to be improving so fingers crossed!

 

 

My ex called me the one night, drunk as per usual, told me that he didn't want to be with me but that I needed to know that he was in love with me and that he didn't know what to do . That he missed me yadda yadda.

 

I am very proud of how I handled it. I know its breadcrumbs and honestly, I don't know if its because i have so much other stuff going on with life right now, but it didn't seem to phase me at all. I know they are just meaningless words from him. In the past this would have caused me to breakdown and cry because of how strongly I felt towards him but not anymore

 

Haven;t heard from him since and I am 100% OKAY with that. I think I have finally realized that he is NOT my whole world and though I may always love him, I deserve so much better than that. I am actually starting to BELIVE this now.

 

All of my drive and focus is now on me and my life and my dog.

 

 

So I guess this is a celebratory post lol

 

Sorry to anyone who has PMed me. Things are really hectic right now and Ill get to them when I have a free minute. I do appreciate all the continous support I have found here!