dawkins99 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I am 23 and my girlfriend is 22. We have been dating for 7 months. Before getting into a relationship with her, I found out from one of my friends (let's call him J) that she cheated on a previous boyfriend with J, split with that boyfriend, started dating J, and then she cheated on J with another guy. J told me, however, that I had his blessing if I decided to start a relationship with this girl. This information about her past troubled me but I decided to date her anyway. Fast forward 7 months, and I can't stop thinking about the darn thing. I haven't been able to since the start of the relationship. It's the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up and sticks with me throughout the day. I feel like an awful, awful friend to J even though he gave me his blessing. I've gone back to J several times to find out more details about what happened between them in an attempt to sort my feelings but last time we talked he declined to tell me anything else because he says that giving me more details can only help to aggravate my despair. I have the urge from time to time to scroll back in her, J's, and her friends' Facebook timelines to see if I can gather more info and I find myself hypothesizing and trying to figure out stuff by reading old posts and looking at old pictures and I torture myself in the process. I don't want to tell my friends because they are friends with J and I am afraid they would shun me and her if they found out she cheated on J and still I decided to date her. I am past the point of judging her because I have done shady things too in the past, but I am still afraid she will cheat on me. I confessed to her I knew about all the stuff that went on with J, but she denied the affairs and even denied being romantically involved with him. I feel like I am overanalyzing and twisting and bending every bit of info I have collected because deep down I wish things were different, and in this process my mind goes to dark places, and I feel like I am losing it. I cry every week and I feel uncomfortable all the time. To top it off, I am in love with her, so I absolutely do not want to break up with her. In fact, if I didn't know about her past, things would be great on my side because we have good chemistry. I am confused. I have read several self help books and tons of articles online to gain perspective but nothing works for too long. I feel like I have lost some objectivity regarding our situation, and I think that this state of confusion and sadness has spilled into other areas of my personal life because I feel very cynical and pessimistic about people and life in general. Any objective, neutral insights would be extremely appreciated because I am in a very bad place now. Thank you!]I am 23 and my girlfriend is 22. We have been dating for 7 months. Before getting into a relationship with her, I found out from one of my friends (let's call him J) that she cheated on a previous boyfriend with J, split with that boyfriend, started dating J, and then she cheated on J with another guy. J told me, however, that I had his blessing if I decided to start a relationship with this girl. This information about her past troubled me but I decided to date her anyway. Fast forward 7 months, and I can't stop thinking about the darn thing. I haven't been able to since the start of the relationship. It's the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up and sticks with me throughout the day. I feel like an awful, awful friend to J even though he gave me his blessing. I've gone back to J several times to find out more details about what happened between them in an attempt to sort my feelings but last time we talked he declined to tell me anything else because he says that giving me more details can only help to aggravate my despair. I have the urge from time to time to scroll back in her, J's, and her friends' Facebook timelines to see if I can gather more info and I find myself hypothesizing and trying to figure out stuff by reading old posts and looking at old pictures and I torture myself in the process. I don't want to tell my friends because they are friends with J and I am afraid they would shun me and her if they found out she cheated on J and still I decided to date her. I am past the point of judging her because I have done shady things too in the past, but I am still afraid she will cheat on me. I confessed to her I knew about all the stuff that went on with J, but she denied the affairs and even denied being romantically involved with him. I feel like I am overanalyzing and twisting and bending every bit of info I have collected because deep down I wish things were different, and in this process my mind goes to dark places, and I feel like I am losing it. I cry every week and I feel uncomfortable all the time. To top it off, I am in love with her, so I absolutely do not want to break up with her. In fact, if I didn't know about her past, things would be great on my side because we have good chemistry. I am confused. I have read several self help books and tons of articles online to gain perspective but nothing works for too long. I feel like I have lost some objectivity regarding our situation, and I think that this state of confusion and sadness has spilled into other areas of my personal life because I feel very cynical and pessimistic about people and life in general. This is the first time I find myself in this sort of situation. Any objective, neutral insights would be extremely appreciated because I am in a very bad place now. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawkins99 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) I mistakenly duplicated the text. Sorry! Edited July 29, 2015 by dawkins99 Link to post Share on other sites
Star lights Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Sorry but what exactly are you worried about.., The possibility that she may cheat Or Her and J's past (intimate issues) Or How J feels about you dating her? Sorry I can't quite grasp what one is the issue or are all of them? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 You aren't married and you don't have kids together. Why on earth are you putting yourself through all of this pain & drama for nothing? Dump her and move on. The next time you want a relationship maybe skip the girls who are known cheaters. Link to post Share on other sites
Star lights Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 You aren't married and you don't have kids together. Why on earth are you putting yourself through all of this pain & drama for nothing? Dump her and move on. The next time you want a relationship maybe skip the girls who are known cheaters. Come on now...she may have previously cheated before but he even states he has been no angel. Just because she cheated on one person or 2 does not mean she will cheat on everyone, yes she is more prone to it but I don't believe the saying 'once a cheat always a cheat' and many people have proven me right. She just hasn't found the one to tame her, that's all. However, with this and the thoughts of her being with your friend being an issue I can understand Drifters point. Maybe you need to weigh up whether this relationship is worth your sanity...it sounds to me like you are driving yourself crazy over certain thoughts and that isn't good for you. Maybe explain to her how you are feeling and see how the discussion plans out...she may put your mind at ease?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawkins99 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I am worried she might cheat on me, even though her last cheating episode that I know of was three years ago and she said her last boyfriend cheated on her and that it hurt as hell and that it would be something unforgivable in our relationship. She told me that the very first day we started dating, which I found funny considering her history. I am also worried how my friends' finding out that she cheated on J may affect my relationship with these friends. I don't know how they would react. And J has been totally supportive about my dating her, but I still feel like a scumbag for dating her. I don't know why I put myself in this position honestly. At first it didn't quite register that she cheated on J because he was a bit ambiguous and lighthearted about it, but months later I asked him for clarification and he confirmed that she cheated on him, and that is when it struck me really hard. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 dawkins, you are insecure and jealous, if you spend your energy fighting jealousy you will loose and become more insecure. instead understand what jealousy is and deal with it. most young people ( man/woman) go through several mini relationship before settling and it sounds like she is one of them. it is good that you talked to her about it. let her know your concerned ask for her help to assure you. if she loves you she would help you deal with jealousy and you would know it. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawkins99 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I asked her and she denied everything. However, she told me I was free to believe whatever I wanted, and told me that should I decide to believe she cheated, I should think that life taught her a lesson because she got cheated on and it hurt her. So, in a sense, she hinted me she did it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I asked her and she denied everything. However, she told me I was free to believe whatever I wanted, and told me that should I decide to believe she cheated, I should think that life taught her a lesson because she got cheated on and it hurt her. So, in a sense, she hinted me she did it. approach her differently, tell her that you love her and let her know that it's your weakness and insecurity that making ask those questions not you accusing her. ask her to help you regain confidence do not make her feel that she is being accused or attacked Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawkins99 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Qubist, that was kind of the angle I used the first time. She didn't confess but she's givene reassurance but that could just be gaslighting. Anyway, bringing it up again wouldn't solve a thing about my insecurity because I feel cynical at this point and it could set her back emotuinally like it did the first time. Defeating my insecurity is a "me" job. Again, I don't judge her but I am worried she might cheat on me and nothing she says will put me at ease for long, so this is a thing I have to solve on my own. My other concern is my friends finding out she cheated on J and how that would affect my friendships with these people because they are friends with J too. The fact that my friend is involved in the whole thing makes things feel tainted and I feel disgusted with myself because I feel I am betraying my friendship with J, and it could affect other close friendships I have. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 You have good reason to fear that she'll cheat on you. She's cheated twice before and is still lying about it. Worse yet, she's lying straight to your face. She's not a good partner for you, bud. She hasn't learned jack crap. And I realize that you may have "made mistakes" in the past as well but that doesn't mean she's a good partner for you. She's not on your team; she's on her own team. For what's it's worth, I don't think you should feel bad at all about dating her just because of her previous relationship with J. He's given his blessing. But she's not a healthy person to have as a GF. If anything, I'd suggest an ultimatum where she comes clean with you or you're done. She cheated with J and she cheated on J. If she can at least admit that to her current BF, then maybe you can have some faith that she'll be true to you. But if she's going to stick to her lies, get the eff outta there. You're in love with a fantasy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawkins99 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Thanks, guys, for the responses. It is good to get a fresh perspective on this. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Thanks, guys, for the responses. It is good to get a fresh perspective on this. Yes, you are getting sound advice here. But I still have to ask - why are you doing this to yourself? There are so many girls out there and you are only single once. Break it off already. Be straight with her and tell her you don't trust her and that you aren't ready for a real commitment. Tell her you want to be free to hook up with other girls. Then get out there and do it - you really are only young once and it goes by fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dawkins99 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 drifter777, I want a stable relationship. If she weren't such a good partner and I weren't so in love with her, I would have walked out already, but that isn't the case. Maybe she is a serial cheater and is gaslighting the crap out of me, but maybe she learned something in 3 years (she cheated on J three years ago) and after being cheated on by her ex. The decision to take that leap of faith is mine, and I really want to because she fulfills me as a couple in everything, yet I cannot snap out of this rumination about her past with J. BetrayedH, if she confronted me with sketchy stuff about my past, I would deny it too because I think that disclosing that type of stuff can only help to make the other person paranoid, so I understand why she doesn't want to confess. For example, in my case, I might have cheated on somebody 10 years ago, but honestly I don't remember. I was 13 and I kissed my neighbor, but I can't quite remember if I was dating somebody else at that time. When I was 16, I almost cheated but didn't because the girl backed off at the very end. I am not proud of this stuff and I don't want to repeat this type of behavior, yet I wouldn't disclose this info to my partner because that can only make her paranoid, so in that sense, I understand why she doesn't want to confess. She hinted it, though, when she said I was free to believe J if I wanted, and if so, then I should think that life taught her a lesson after she was cheated on. Thanks for the responses, guys. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 dawkins A little advice to you from an older, experienced guy. Who cares if she cheated on J. Believe in yourself. Be confident, strong. Know that no matter what happens in your relationship you will be just fine and happy. Because you made it that way. If you love your GF and she has given you no reason to doubt her then believe in her. Both of you are young. You have years ahead of you. Enjoy them. Keep the communication between you two open, honest and respectful. HM Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Eyes wide shut. Link to post Share on other sites
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