What is going on here?

[lovesick123]

My boyfriend loves me, and I love him. We live 7 hours away from each other. I'm treated like a queen in person. He has two jobs, one is commission based (which is stressful and competitive) and the other is a part time restaurant job. He is also in undergrad school full time taking online courses. I am a school teacher who has a lot more free time and, I have my master's degree in education. He is stressed right now. We have had arguments about the lack of communication in distance. At one point, I asked him if he wanted to break up since he didn't have much time to even call sometimes; however, he texted if he didn't call. Some days he's hot, and some days he is cold towards me. That's the part that hurts me. In person, he is easy to communicate with, he takes me to meet the most important people in his life, (he's proud and happy around me even while we are alone) on dates, kisses, hugs me in public and I know I am valued; he does all the little things that I look for in a guy. He is the only person that I can spend loads of time with and never get tired of. He feels and shows the same towards me. However, when he is stressed, he says meanest things in distance when we have a little argument. He says things like, "I don't know if I can put up with you anymore." followed by a "break." He doesn't conclude things on a positive and mutual note even when I tried to discuss things. He just says things like, "I don't know if I want to be with you anymore," which hurts my feelings. Every time, he says things like that, I feel that he is serious, and so I break up with him. Then, he will come running back saying he was sorry and blowing my phone up, and even drive where I live to talk to me in person. The thing is, I don't want to be in a dysfunctional relationship like this. However, I would take him back since things would be so easy and different in person. One day, after he drove where I live, I told him I couldn't do it anymore even though we made up in person, because we had been going around the same dysfunctional mountain for months. He called my mom and talked to her and she was honest with him. He felt bad, but he still wants to work things out. I feel that he is verbally abusive during those moments, and I told him about it recently. He said he was depressed and lashed out because of it. He dropped out of college earlier and beats himself up for not being where he wants to be. I've been torn for months, blaming our problems on distance since we don't have any of those problems in person, but I'm realizing it may be deeper than that. We see each other once a month. Every time we see each other, it's like a reset button is pushed, and we are happy again. Truth is, I want things to work, but I'm tired of the up and down. I'm tired of not being a priority, but I try to understand because at least he isn't sitting at home doing nothing. Can anyone answer this question for me: Why do you think he says he doubts he wants to be with me, and then when I say, "Okay, you don't have to be with me. Bye" he begs for me back??? He literally cries and pleads for me not to leave him. He calls me about a hundred times, drives where I live and sends me a bunch of text messages. However, it seems that when he says those cruel comments he is the most secure until I agree and just make the decision for him. I'm tired of this cat and mouse game. We recently took space from one another to heal wounds, but this has been driving me nuts. I love him, but I can't risk my sanity being with him. I only have a small ounce of hope left, and I'm truly done. He wants to marry me, his parents love me, and his mom even calls me her future daughter-in-law. However, I can't pretend to be happy in distance when I'm not. I'm struggling with making the decision to leave or not. If you have any advice other than leaving that can provide insight, please let me know. We have been dating for 8 months.

 

 

Disclaimer: His ex-girlfriend cheated on him and left him for another girl; she was physically abusive by slapping him.

Edited July 29, 2015 by lovesick123

[StalwartMind]

Any distanced relationship can take it's toll on those involved, which is why many fail or make one or both part unhappy. Because most humans are social creatures, we need that closeness, especially when it comes to relationships. It is the fewest of humans who have the mental composure to deal with such conditions, especially for long periods of time.

 

People cope with stress and disappointment in all kind of ways, unfortunately becoming less than pleasant to others is one of them. Even the most kind and sweet people can once in awhile have a really bad day or period, and that is something to keep in mind. That said though, even distance is no excuse to treat someone poorly, especially if it's a consistent behavior problem. I do get that worrying about multiple things can make most succumb to pressure as well as feeling like one doesn't live up to expectations. No matter what though if these things persist it is and should be a cause for concern. Everyone can promise others they'll improve, but actions do speak louder than words.

 

I believe that he is struggling when he says things to you that are hurtful, they by all means are insecurities, which is often the case when people end up lashing out, even at those they love/care about. Most of us want to be understood but it's the fewest of us who actually make the effort to really try to understand others. Is poor behavior a good excuse? Not really, but that's where communication and consistency come into play. If you express your concerns and present them in a way that is respectable, and you still end up having someone be nasty with you on a consistent basis, then this is where I urge you to reconsider things. It is good for neither of you to be in a situation where both of you are hurting. Unfortunately sometimes two people who normally do really well together, have just met at the wrong point in life, especially when some sacrifices are not even an option, such as moving closer.

 

I'm not sure what you feel after reading this, but truthfully, this is the best way I can think of presenting the reality without it has to be either bad or good. As always it depends on the individuals involved if they can make something work, personally I've been blessed with my own life, that doesn't help you one bit. Even so, there is some knowledge to be gained from an experience such as this, because if anything, it'll have taught you what to not want from others. We all should treat each others better overall, but that is naturally hopeful wishing. I encourage you to be mature about the matter, as nothing good rarely comes from responding negatively to someone who is hurting, struggling or otherwise finding difficulties with life, even if they are being mean to you, be the better person always, it may not get you any credit from others, but I find it to be a remarkable quality and the world needs more people like that.

[justwhoiam]

We have had arguments about the lack of communication in distance.

I'll reword this: you have been complaining because he was inconsistent. I hear you. Men can be inconsistent. But men hate the constant nagging, and don't like to talk about certain things on and on like women do. Especially about relationships. They will though, if that's the price to pay not to lose someone. Which makes the relationship edgy. Now, he knows what you need, and you'd think he'd give it to you. He wants to give it to you, but he's striving, for whatever reason. Men are also more selfish than women in general, they need time on their own too. They can behave for a bit and then when the atmosphere is more laid back, they easily go back to the old pattern. They usually don't mean bad, but men and women are different, and we can't expect to reason with a woman's mind.

 

Things got worse because you got tired of the repeated up and downs, but did you consider that he got tired too? When he tells you "I can't do this anymore", I guess he's being genuine, honest. You can understand this better if you put yourself in his shoes for once. Until then, and if it's only going to be about YOUR point of view, you'll keep getting the same response from him. So you need to realize that YOU are a cause of stress. If you want the pattern to change, your expectations need to change, your perspective needs to consider him who needs to be valued as much as you do.

 

Real LDR (not the virtual ones) are not easy to keep going. Effort is needed from both sides. You need to be on the same page regarding goals and mutual feelings, but that doesn't mean that any of you is perfect. If you are willing to accept this, things will ease out, and he will be able to be more loving, because the constant nagging will fade out.

 

I'd say that to be able to see if it's worth it and to have a broader view of the whole situation (because of course you're biased from your point of view), consider the kind of efforts he put in after you started complaining. Did he call more often? Did he do anything special? Did he buy you any gift? Was he being more affectionate? Don't underestimate any of that, even if you think it was no big deal and a given in any relationship, you're not in a standard relationship.

 

Avoid creating tension, avoid friction if possible. When you start thinking negatively, such as "why the heck he's not calling me, does he even care about me" or anything along those lines, try to think of positive things such as all the great things he did or say. When you resume communication, be pleasant to talk to, or he will want to avoid talking to you.

 

I'm talking from experience here and in much worse conditions than yours. I'm not sure we will survive everything, but so far we have. So it is possible. Constant arguing can bring feelings of wanting out, on both sides. So it also depends on how strong feelings are, how much you believe in it to make it work. We too are so much better in person, we never had any fight in person in 4 years. We had disagreements, but not the stressing arguing we experienced while we are far from one another. Just a hug can do so much, but you can't have it when you're not physically together.

[d0nnivain]

Yours is an unhealthy relationship & you are not suited to each other right now. I don't understand how a guy going to school with 2 jobs has time to breathe or sleep. I'm assuming 1 FT & 1 PT but even if they are both PT & he's only taking a few classes, this is a LOT on his plate yet you clamor for more attention then he has time to bestow. Then he goes off & drops out of college which is a bad decision IMO.

 

 

He needs to fix his life, without you in it. You are too needy, more then he can handle right now. The distance is taking it's toll.

 

 

If you had been willing to be more tolerant & easy going accepting that in the short term, until he graduated, you could not be #1 in his life, this may have had a different ending but you didn't. You pressed for time he didn't have & you eventually broke him. Yes, he could have been stronger & set his priorities but he didn't.

 

 

Overall I think this dysfunctional mess ought to be allowed to die.

Your life seems to be in order and you are at a stage where you want somebody who is on the same page as you, ready to put love first. This guy isn't there because he doesn't have the educational foundation you do. You are not wrong for wanting this but you do need to re-evaluate whether he can give it to you now. I don't think he can & I think you are adding to his stress by making him try.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yours is an unhealthy relationship & you are not suited to each other right now. I don't understand how a guy going to school with 2 jobs has time to breathe or sleep. I'm assuming 1 FT & 1 PT but even if they are both PT & he's only taking a few classes, this is a LOT on his plate yet you clamor for more attention then he has time to bestow. Then he goes off & drops out of college which is a bad decision IMO.

 

 

He needs to fix his life, without you in it. You are too needy, more then he can handle right now. The distance is taking it's toll.

 

 

If you had been willing to be more tolerant & easy going accepting that in the short term, until he graduated, you could not be #1 in his life, this may have had a different ending but you didn't. You pressed for time he didn't have & you eventually broke him. Yes, he could have been stronger & set his priorities but he didn't.

 

 

Overall I think this dysfunctional mess ought to be allowed to die.

Your life seems to be in order and you are at a stage where you want somebody who is on the same page as you, ready to put love first. This guy isn't there because he doesn't have the educational foundation you do. You are not wrong for wanting this but you do need to re-evaluate whether he can give it to you now. I don't think he can & I think you are adding to his stress by making him try.

 

 

All of this. He very clearly doesn't have time or energy for a relationship right now. You two are at very different points in your lives and the distance is compounding the incompatibilities. Your needs are different and breaking up over and over is a sign it's not working.

[lovesick123]

I really appreciate you guys' feedback. I truly needed it, because I know family and friends will give biased advice. I want things to work, but I think you guys are right. He isn't ready for a relationship. He wants a real low maintenance relationship where he doesn't have to be consistent or put in much effort, while I want someone who can put in more efffort. I've tried to make agreements where we talked less, but he would get mad and say he wanted to talk more yet hus actions would show he wanted to talk less. It's like this, I feel he wants to keep me on the shelf for when he figures everything out. Aside from that, some rude comments that he says that are left field from the disagreement makes me wonder what he'll be like long term. He says he is getting a counselor for his depression and wants things to work. He says he is going to working on his part of things. I'm getting counseling already as well. Crossing my fingers that things work out, but if not, I guess we will really have to go our separate ways. He loves me, but I don't believe he truly has time to nurture a relationship. We have a plan for July 2016 to move where the other one is. We are setting the money aside in a joint account biweekly. I know he is serious, but the things that are said in distance truly rips our relationship apart. It's hard to let go when you know what you can be together in person.

[lovesick123]

I truly don't want to end things, but i don't want both of us miserable in the process of getting to our destination. Over time, I've actually been okay with the compromises we have made communication, but not completely satisfied with it, just sort of dealing with it. However, he is the quieter one and only talks about work and says things like "You're boring in distance, and you wonder why I don't want to make time for you." I'm sitting there like, "Really? when you only talk about work and contribute nothing else to the conversation." So hurtful things like this has diminished my faith. He also called me a "dumbass" recently and I hung up the phone. I even started cursing more. It hasn't been healthy. But afterwards, when I'm like okay, fine why are you talking to me then? Later, he takes it all back and calls constantly. I just want to feel safe, loved and valued in a relationship. I really hope he gets the help he needs, because he said because of his depression most days he can't even be a good person, let alone a good boyfriend. So, im being patient and I can be patient with the communication just without the rude hurtful comments. Like I said I WANT it to work, and I'm willing to change my perspective. It's just so easy in person. Sometimes, distance can make things seem a little hopeless.

[casey.lives]

<<<<<SIDE NOTE>>>>The advice from friends and family is generally in YOUR BEST INTEREST!! A mature person also looks within for answers to their own problems!

 

It sounds like this relationship has bigger underline issues

[casey.lives]

>>>> Being CODEPENDENT ON LOVESHACK IS NOT THE ANSWER!!!!<<<<

[d0nnivain]

I We are setting the money aside in a joint account biweekly. .

 

That scares me. I am a firm believer that you never co mingle finances without legal protections. Are you aware that if you have this "joint account" if some creditor comes after him the creditor can take ALL the money.

 

Split the money back out. Mail each other bank statements if you like showing that you are still making the contributions but stop with the co-mingling because you are going to lose your $$ as well as your heart.