My girlfriend and my friend

[dawkins99]

I am 23 and my girlfriend is 22. We have been dating for 7 months. Before getting into a relationship with her, I found out from one of my friends (let's call him J) that she cheated on a previous boyfriend with J, split with that boyfriend, started dating J, and then she cheated on J with another guy. J told me, however, that I had his blessing if I decided to start a relationship with this girl. This information about her past troubled me but I decided to date her anyway. Fast forward 7 months, and I can't stop thinking about the darn thing. I haven't been able to since the start of the relationship. It's the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up and sticks with me throughout the day. I feel like an awful, terrible friend to J even though he gave me his blessing. I've gone back to J several times to find out more details in an attempt to sort my feelings but last time we talked, he declined to tell me anything else because he says that giving me more details can only help to aggravate my despair. I have the urge from time to time to scroll back in her, J's, and her friends' Facebook timelines to see if I can gather more info and I find myself hypothesizing and trying to figure out stuff by reading old posts and looking at old pictures and I torture myself in the process. I don't want to tell my closest friends because they are friends with J and I am afraid they would shun me and her if they found out she cheated on J and still I decided to date her. I am past the point of judging her because I have done shady things too in the past, but I am obviously afraid that she will cheat on me. I confessed to her I knew about all the stuff that went on with J, but she denied the affairs and even denied being romantically involved with him. J has no reason to lie to me so I believe him. I feel like I am overanalyzing and twisting and bending every bit of info I have collected because deep down I wish things were different, and in this process my mind goes to dark places, and I feel like I am losing it. I cry every week and I feel uncomfortable all the time. To top it off, I am in love with her, so I absolutely do not want to break up with her. In fact, if I didn't know about her past, things would be great on my side because we have good chemistry. I am so confused. I have read several self-help books and tons of articles online to gain perspective but nothing works for too long. I feel like I have lost some objectivity regarding our situation, and I think that this state of confusion and sadness has spilled into other areas of my personal life because I feel very cynical and pessimistic about people and life in general. Any objective, neutral insights would be extremely appreciated because I am in a very bad place now. Thank you !

[Poppyolive]

She has a pattern and I think it will keep going. Especially if she's denying it.

 

I don't know what exactly it is you need help with. You know there has been cheating, so you know her pattern. You really don't need actual details and timelines, hows or Whys, it happened before you. You knew this getting into a relationship with her. So, in a way, accepted your fate.

 

So, I wonder know that you're in love with her you are scared she'll cheat? That's why you feel in a rut?

 

I don't see a lot of options, except finishing the relationship due to your fears, uncertainty and her poor track record or remain in the relationship pending doom or maybe she won't cheat.

[Space Ritual]

Ok you want Objective advice?

 

You are torturing yourself. If you feel that you have to play Detective Dawkins than I am afraid you would be better off ending the relationship.

 

I am not saying that she will eventually cheat on you. I am saying Life is far too short to agonize over whether she will or not. If you put a fraction into the relationship that you put into agonizing over this, then your relationship will certainly improve.

 

"J" has already planted the seeds of your destruction and regardless of what her actions are, you will never be able to trust her in your mind. You say you don't want to break up with her, but your best course of action would be to do just that. Everything will now be colored by your thoughts and it is already affecting you. If you are losing your marbles and crying over this, regardless of her past, then this girl is not the right one for you.

[dawkins99]

Her last cheating episode that I know of was three years ago and she says her last boyfriend cheated on her and that it hurt as hell and that it would be unforgivable if I did such thing to her. She said this upfront before we started dating, and I found it surprising considering her history. I do am worried about her cheating naturally, but I am also concerned about how my friends (who are also friends with J) would react if they found out she cheated on J. I don't know if it could destroy my friendships. And I feel terrible about dating her because I am being a terrible friend to J, even though he is totally cool with my dating her and still wants hang out with me.

[dawkins99]

When I asked her about it, she denied it, but she said that I was free to believe whatever I wanted, and that if I still decided to believe she cheated, I should think that life taught her a lesson because she got cheated on and it hurt her. So, in a sense, she hinted at me that she did it.

[Space Ritual]

And I feel terrible about dating her because I am being a terrible friend to J, even though he is totally cool with my dating her and still wants hang out with me.

 

Wait a second. You feel Terrible about dating her?

 

Then please ask yourself why you are doing so.

 

I think it is pretty straightforward given what your reply was. I don't mean to sound dismissive here, but young man, that in and of itself would be reason enough to me to cease dating her. If you feel Terrible about doing so then I submit once again that she obviously is not the right person for you to date. I think you really just answered your own question here.

[lolablue17]

There is no right or wrong for you to do. It's a matter of "how do you feel about it with you guts".

 

It seems that you can't just "let it go". Why? It doesn't matter why, you just can't. So you need to do something about it - To collect some information which will help you to know the truth.

 

Go to J and ask him why did he lie to you? (because she denied). He will of course get mad, and eventually will share some more information with you. (Don't be afraid to ask J about intimate information about her, information that only a guy who's been intimate with her can know, to see if J is telling the truth).

 

Then go to her again to confront her with the new information. Make this round trip as long as it take until you figure it out. In the end you will lose J or her, one of them is a liar!

 

I see no other alternative.

[dawkins99]

Space Ritual, I feel terrible because of my friend situation. I just don't know how to forgive myself. The relationship in on itself is great and she makes me happy. The unhappy part is that she did that to my friend and I can't shake the feeling that I am wronging J. Lolablue17, I did the back and forth already and they both held their positions. I think digging more would make things worse.

[dawkins99]

I don't need to convince myself she cheated. I am convinced she did because my friend has zero motive to lie to me. I just need to forgive myself for dating when I know she cheated on my friend and be ready for the consequences if that ever got out among my other friends and stop worrying about her potentially cheating on me because she has given me no motives to distrust her besides her history. Thanks, guys, for the responses. It is good to get a fresh perspective on this.

[lolablue17]

I don't need to convince myself she cheated. I am convinced she did because my friend has zero motive to lie to me. I just need to forgive myself for dating when I know she cheated on my friend and be ready for the consequences if that ever got out among my other friends and stop worrying about her potentially cheating on me because she has given me no motives to distrust her besides her history. Thanks, guys, for the responses. It is good to get a fresh perspective on this.

 

If you can continue with it like nothing's happened, go for it.

 

If it was me, I couldn't let it go. If you're convinced she was cheating (twice), the problem is not only her history. The problem is that she's lying to you right now and do things behind your back.

 

She know that you're friends with J, right? So you don't think she is so stupid to hope that J, by himself will never tell you anything. She must have talked to him, asking him to keep it in secret.

 

And when you confronted her, you are not so naive to think that she denied everything but didn't contact him about it after that, right? They both were, and are talking behind your back, and the reason that J has prevented to add more details is because she might have threatened him, she will tell you some truth about J, or her and J. (For example, maybe a hidden thing that happened between her and J in the beginning of your relationship).

 

So again - The history is disturbing, but the bigger issue is the pile of lies and deceptions that growing from both sides. Don't do the digging on her anymore. Do it with J. Tell him all of your suspicions, and tell him that you can't go on as nothing has happened, and if he didn't tell you the details because he want you to be happy, this reason does not exist anymore because you're not happy at all, only because you don't know the details.

 

Ask him if he was in contact with her before and after the confrontation, ask him to prove you an intimate fact that only someone who saw her naked can know... If he is your friend, he will understand and cooperate, unless he was involved with some cheating on you.

Edited July 30, 2015 by lolablue17

[sandylee1]

I don't need to convince myself she cheated. I am convinced she did because my friend has zero motive to lie to me. I just need to forgive myself for dating when I know she cheated on my friend and be ready for the consequences if that ever got out among my other friends and stop worrying about her potentially cheating on me because she has given me no motives to distrust her besides her history. Thanks, guys, for the responses. It is good to get a fresh perspective on this.

 

One of them is lying.

 

Now you clearly believe it's her. Doesn't it alarm you that she's even lying about being involved with J in the past?

 

You say he has no reason to lie? Jealousy perhaps.

 

If you're not serious and just out for a good time then it's all good, but if it becomes more serious I'd want answers and truthful ones from her.

 

Too many red flags here.

[kendahke]

I am 23 and my girlfriend is 22. We have been dating for 7 months. Before getting into a relationship with her, I found out from one of my friends (let's call him J) that she cheated on a previous boyfriend with J, split with that boyfriend, started dating J, and then she cheated on J with another guy. J told me, however, that I had his blessing if I decided to start a relationship with this girl.

 

If J is your boy, how is it that he had a relationship with this girl and you knew nothing about it? That doesn't make any sense. Did J disappear from the face of the earth during the time he was helping her cheat on her boyfriend and after when he got with her? Did you not talk to him at all while all of this was going on with him?

 

Why would you go in behind your boy like that for sloppy seconds? Unless, like I said, he was hidden under a rock, there's no way you didn't know he was dating her if he is your friend--or close enough of a friend to care not to upset you further with details.

 

Nothing and I do mean NOTHING is going to spin the earth backwards to the moment before you decided it was a good idea to step into you boy's ooze and date her. I can't image that there aren't any other girls in your area that you couldn't have dated. Sitting up torturing yourself, stalking everyone's facebook page, isn't going to make what is "isn't". She's a serial cheater and chances are, she's going to cheat on you, too. It's who she is and how she operates. Save yourself a whole lot of hurt and shame--just end it and find a girl who doesn't leave a trail.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. If you have to wake up every morning and face another day at work and other hassles in life, then have this relationship where your always wondering if she's truthful or if she's a cheater then maybe you should move on and find someone else.

 

In the long run what's going to happen is your going to lose both your girlfriend and you buddy through the conflict so it comes down to this. If you don't trust her then why are you with her? All your doing is making your life a lot harder.

[dawkins99]

sandylee1, I think a lot about bringing up the topic with her again but I don't know if that will solve anything like it didn't the first time. Her confirming J's story is not gonna change what happened. What is very astonishing is that she denied things even though I got the info from J himself. I guess they had a secret thing and it would be very hard for me to prove it. Plus if she opens up then I would have to open up about my previous relationships and I will lie about stuff because I don't want to make her paranoid. I may have cheated on somebody 10 years ago but honestly I don't remember. I was 13. And then I almost cheated when I was 16 but it didn't happen because the girl backed off at the end. I am not proud of any of these things but I don't see what is the benefit of disclosing it to my partner. So, my point here is that the same way I wouldn't tell her this stuff, I understand why she wouldn't want to confess to cheating with J and then on J. She says her last boyfriend cheated on her, and that if I still decided to believe J, I should think then that life taught her a lesson, so she kind of hinted it. Also, her cheating happened 3 years ago, so maybe she learned something. So, in the scheme of things, I don't know how much good it would do to try and get a confession from her.

 

Kendahke, she and J broke up around the time I met J. I am almost positive there was some overlap between my meeting J and their being together, but I am not sure how much. He is my friend, but not a close friend. I see him like every 4 or 5 months when the bigger group of friends decides to meet. He gave me the big picture of what happened and I think that is enough. I don't need to know more intimate details. When I first started talking to her, I didn't know she had history with J. I found out from J a couple of weeks later when she and I were still just talking. My stalking people on Facebook is childish, for sure. And yes, maybe she is a serial cheater and is gaslighting the crap out of me, but maybe she learned something in 3 years and being cheated on. The only reason I haven't broken things off is because I am in love with her and she got everything I am looking for in a woman (except her cheating history lol).

 

bubbaganoosh, I've been known to overthink things, but this situation has plunged me into max rumination mode, and I am just trying to snap out of this state. Again, if she weren't such a good partner and I weren't so in love with her, I would have walked out a long time ago, but that isn't the case. There isn't a conflict per se, because J gave me his blessing. There might be some conflict if my common friends with J found out though. This whole situation has made me question other stuff in my life and has made me very self-crirical, but I think if I could "solve" this, everything else would fall into place.

 

Thanks for the responses, guys.

[giblesp]

Her last cheating episode that I know of was three years ago and she says her last boyfriend cheated on her and that it hurt as hell and that it would be unforgivable if I did such thing to her. She said this upfront before we started dating, and I found it surprising considering her history. I do am worried about her cheating naturally, but I am also concerned about how my friends (who are also friends with J) would react if they found out she cheated on J. I don't know if it could destroy my friendships. And I feel terrible about dating her because I am being a terrible friend to J, even though he is totally cool with my dating her and still wants hang out with me.

 

From age 19-22; she's gone from a teenager to a young woman. She's probably changed and will continue to change.

 

If right now she's not cheating on you and you trust her, what's the problem? One things for sure, you bringing up her past and confronting her with it, is going to seriously F up your relationship. I've been there.

 

Her past is her business, not yours. And to expect someone to have a stable relationship background as a teenager, is highly unreasonable.

 

Enjoy your relationship in the present. Most of the end unfortunately, and the time you have now is all you have.

[Spectre]

When I asked her about it, she denied it, but she said that I was free to believe whatever I wanted, and that if I still decided to believe she cheated, I should think that life taught her a lesson because she got cheated on and it hurt her. So, in a sense, she hinted at me that she did it.

 

Dude, what you just said here 100% warrants a break up. She is straight up playing games with you now. She is going to try to manipulate you by saying "oh no I never did...but IF I did I probably totally learned a lesson from it" even though if she truly learned a lesson..she wouldn't be lying about it.

[smackie9]

OP you need to grow a set and just communicate with her how you feel and give her the opportunity to openly discuss this with you. If you don't, all you are doing is chasing your tail. If you can't, this relationship will never survive.

[Spectre]

OP you need to grow a set and just communicate with her how you feel and give her the opportunity to openly discuss this with you. If you don't, all you are doing is chasing your tail. If you can't, this relationship will never survive.

 

At this stage there is no point anymore. She's already played games with the " I never cheated, but if I did I'd of totally learned a lesson".

 

I think men need to start putting their foot down when it comes to this stuff, too many times I've seen guys allow their gf's to play games like this without any consequences. They need to realize anyone playing games has the emotional maturity of a 15 yr. old girl.

[smackie9]

Well the OP does have options, and can make his own decision.