It's me or the old man

[2NDCHANC3]

I have a group of girlfriends that I have been friends with for close to a decade. We are that group of girls that has dinner a few times a month and take a couple girls trips each year as well. We are all married or in serious relationships (I have been dating my bf for 5 years) - some of us play around with other men when we are on these trips and some of us do not.

 

During a trip the end of last year - when my bf and i were having some problems because of some cheating he had done a couple years ago but had just told me about 8 months or so before - I ended up hooking up with this older man - a much older man and as a result of this, I broke up with my bf and started dating this older man. He is married and very wealthy - so he would fly me and my gf crew around to places to party on private jets and all of that jazz. Basically a non-stop party with this man and his friends - all of whom were also married and most of whom were looking to play with younger women like my friends.

 

I realized fairly quickly that I wanted my old life back and worked to get back together with my then ex-bf after a 3 month break. Through therapy, forgiveness and love, we were able to get through our collective issues and we have never been stronger. We were engaged 5 weeks ago and will be married this spring. One of the requirements when we got back together was that this old man needed to disappear - which I had no issues with whatsoever - but the old man kept coming back and trying to get information from my gf's about me - he kept relationships open with them and would ask them about how we were doing and all of that. I asked my friends to stop being in contact with him and they all said that they would - but they now continue to see him and travel with him and party with him and I believe at least one of them is having an affair with him. While I appreciate who am I to judge - I fell for the private jet and all of that crap at one point as well - these girls would not know him or anything about him had I not introduced them - I don't want to be friends with anyone who is hanging out with him because it is a source of pain and insecurity in my relationship. Am I wrong to feel that way? Am I wrong to think that we should not want to have anything about this man in our lives? Am I wrong to expect that my friends would stand by me and get it as well? We are at the point where I don't want to even invite these girls to our wedding.

 

I appreciate that I don't necessarily want friends that are all out messing around with other men when they are married or in relationships - that is a different subject - I just want to know if my feelings are right that they should not be investing anything else in their relationship with this old man. Help please -

[Rorocher]

Well, I don't know if you can really tell people who they should or should not associate with. That's on them. If you've moved past this kind of behavior and you've expressed to your girlfriends that you no longer wish to associate with people who still engage in this sort of behavior, then the onus is on them to choose that lifestyle aka the old man or choose their friendship with you.

 

 

Your friendship is at a turning point now, and I don't necessarily think that it's a matter of who's right or wrong. If you and your friends no longer have commonalities, as it seems to be the case here. Then you air that and resolve it accordingly. I'm just not sure it's a case of expecting them to leave a lifestyle that you all shared at one point, just because you are no longer interested in said lifestyle.

[2NDCHANC3]

Thank you - I think your view is solid. Sincerely, thank you.

[gettingstronger]

Truly, if you want to work on your relationship its probably best to leave your party girl friends behind anyway-doesn't sound like that group is good for you any longer-

 

They have made their choice- party time over you- your turn to pick your relationship over them-

[stillafool]

You are right that your friends should not communicate with him either. They will because what he offers is more important to them than you. Sorry to say that but it's true. Plus some of them may be involved with his friends now which makes it possible that your ex lover is included. Men like the older gentlemen do this all the time and soon they will require a new harem of younger women to spoil. This won't go on forever.

[casey.lives]

i had a situation like this happen and i just cut everyone off. we're all adults . we have to think for ourselves. If they couldn't understand why it would be awkward for you.. then so be it. we transition many times in our lives, in other words we live multiple lives, with a variety of different people.

[Poppy47]

Not a great lifestyle for you. YOu are wise to leave it behind.

 

Poppy

[casey.lives]

THE Intimate relationship is by far more important in greater scheme of things

[Sassy Girl]

Your friends sound really toxic.

 

And he fact that they don't respect your wishes indicates that they aren't really your friends. Cut them loose - they're weighing you down.

[2NDCHANC3]

thank you everyone for your feedback - i can't tell you how much i appreciate it.

[still_an_Angel]

You're ready to move on from this lifestyle, they're clearly not.

Its going to be your choice to let them go and cut off contact because you choose to have this relationship with your bf (soon-to-be husband).

 

 

I don't believe in making people choose according to my will, that won't work. I want them to choose for themselves what they want, and I will do the same according to what I believe will be good for me. If we find ourselves in the same boat then all is well.