To leave or not to leave

[Reggit]

I feel very stuck in limbo right now. I feel like I'm waiting for someone's approval to leave my husband, though I know its no one's decision but my own. So, I'm not looking for your approval. Or maybe I am. Mostly I'm looking for someone to actually hear me and not try to tell me that I don't know what I"m talking about.

 

Married 14 years, two kids (elementary/middle school ages). We dated/lived together before that--over 20 years together at this point.

 

Looking back, I have spent our entire marriage and a great deal of the pre-marriage/living together time feeling not-quite-good-enough so I tried extra hard to make him happy. He has always claimed to love me, but has always prioritizied everyone and everything before me (he will give the shirt off his back to help someone he barely knows, but will completely abandon me and my needs to do so). His family (and now our kids) come before me. Our friends come before me. We used to have fights when I'd suggest that we go out just the two of us--he called me antisocial and would then give me the cold shoulder. When we do go out in groups, it feels like he takes special pains to avoid me (because we "spend so much time together").

 

I've finally grown up a bit in the last few years and realized that people do actually like me, do like to spend time with me, that I get a few second looks from other men. That I am good enough. That maybe it's not a problem with me, but with his reaction to me and how he chooses to (or not to) interact with me.

 

There are a million more things over the years--like our "joint" finances that aren't really joint. And the fact that before marriage he made a huge deal of the fact that I didn't plan to be a stay-at-home-mom to future kids. When those kids did arrive, and I was actually questioning my choice of career, he refused to do any joint budgeting or take jobs that could provide health insurance for us all, and basically made it impossible for me to even have a choice to stay home (not that he's a deadbeat, career/paycheck wise, just that he refuses to plan anything together).

 

We don't vacation together. The very few vacations we've taken since our honeymoon have always involved one extended family or the other, or friends, or our kids. And the ones that are just us 4 are planned by me despite his constantly throwing roadblocks at going (refuses to discuss plans, refuses to suggest places he wants to go, throws fits at plans I eventually make and makes me change them, then acts like spoiled resentful teenager once we're there and refuses to leave the hotel room).

 

We don't go out on dates. We don't talk, except to share basic kid-scheduling information. When I tell him something is wrong, the fact that I told him something negative becomes the heart of the fight--the only way to make him happy is to pretend that everything is fine (though it's not), and for me to never tell him anything is wrong (because that makes him more upset...after he tries and fails to convince me that I'm wrong about things being wrong)

 

For our anniversary, he did plan a date. We went to a movie, so we didn't talk at all (because we were watching a movie). Then he had plans for us to go to a local wine bar before going home, but their nice seating is outside and it was raining, so we went straight home. Sent hte babysitter home, and suddenly (at 9pm), he remembered something for work that he desperately had to do on the computer. At 10, I went to bed. Alone. He was still in his office.

 

The only reason that I'm still here is the kids, and they are not being served by hearing our fights. I don't love the man, except in the sense that I wish him well in the future. I haven't felt happy or loved or cared for by him in so long that I barely remember what it feels like. My mood goes from normal at work to depressed as I get close to the house.

 

Out of all the fights lately, I've told him that I'm planning to leave (not long after the anniversary incident). Lo and behold, he is suddenly "trying" to prove to me that he loves me. This has included buying me random things that he thinks I should have (which annoys me because they are generally things that I would never have chosen for myself). And doing lots of extra housework (which I guess is good for the house, too bad I'm not a house).

 

I have, in the past, especially the last several years, explicitly told him that I am lonely, that I wanted more conversation, more dates (time with his parents or our children absolutely does not count), etc. I want to feel like I'm someone he wants to spend time with. He always has excuses as to why he can't. Or he tells me about how he spent time thinking about coming up with a date idea, but that it won't work.

 

So when I said that i was planning to leave, he acted surprised and hurt and keeps trying to pretend that everything is normal.

 

So there. I was stuck in a holding pattern because of a trip I had planned (with female friends to a job-related conference), and another trip for the kids to visit my mom for a week (which ought to be great marriage-bonding time, but the past few years has been an excuse for him to work longer hours).

 

I don't even know what i want out of this forum. I haven't felt like I could talk to any of my "friends" (none of whom are that close and most of whom are "our" friends, not mine). Husband has refused marriage counseling (says it won't do any good), though I should probably go on my own. But I'm afraid that they will just try to talk me out of my own feelings (probably because that's what husband and most "friends" have always tried to do).

 

I have lists of local apartments that I could afford. I have enough savings of my own (thank you non-joint finances!) that I can move and set up my own space. I have lists of names of lawyers, but haven't called any. I am just scared of how this will all go, and not sure when to just go ahead and do it, or whether to give him one more try (though I'm positive that his try would have to be monumental and long-lasting and basically nearly impossible to get me to feel happy in his presence after all the years of crap behind us now).

 

Thank you for listening all the way to the end.

[Majormisstep]

What? Did I write this post during a sleepwalking episode? LOL

 

Anyway, very similar to my experience... though the deal breaker was me finally getting tired of H pitting our kids against me (all very passive/aggressive-like so it was hard to detect).

 

Have you tried MC? If not, this may help because your H seems to repeat the same knee jerk reactions trying to avoid the split but then resumes the same bad patterns once the storm blows over.

 

You have to give it all you've got in the 'trying' department because if you don't, regret and what-ifs will play a large part of your future. Once you've exhausted all avenues and you know with 100% certainty you would be happy alone, then you have your answer.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

Your kids are old enough they don't need 24/7 hands on care by two parents under the same roof.

 

There is no indication in your story of abuse, addiction, adultry or of either of you neglecting the children.

 

You are both employed and have separate finances.

 

Other than your urging for more more interaction and connection, you don't make it sound like you two don't get along or that there is high conflict between you.

 

You may not have anyone urging you to divorce but it sounds as if you have good general support of friends, family and in-laws.

 

You still have a lot of life left to live.

 

 

Add all those things up and it doesn't sound like there is any reason to believe that you two couldn't have a cooperative, fair and amicable post-divorce coparenting life.

 

Children are harmed by abuse, neglect, abandonment and addiction. They are not harmed by two loving, involved and supportive parents who happen to live in separate homes that coparent together cooperatively.

 

They may be inconvenienced and annoyed with being shuffled between two houses, but they won't be harmed.

 

You two have been disconnected a long time. Divorce will have some monetary cost and you will both be saddened that things didn't work out as you originally planned, but neither of you will be devastated or traumatized.

 

Within a year, you will both probably be living healthy, happy and productive single lives. Within two years (if not less) you will both probably be remarried.