Intense Anger

[Sportsfan7000]

I searched out this site after the councillor I had been seeing suggested finding people in a similar situation to talk to. Online group therapy anyone? I am hoping I can get some input from people who have been through the unique pain and betrayal of infidelity.

 

 

First of all I am now almost 7 months from finding out about my wife's affair so it is not brand new to me. The issue I am having is dealing with the intense and burning anger I have. If you asked anyone who knows me they would never think I was having anger issue. I am able to parent my two boys and we are having fun and getting past what was a very traumatic and embarrassing d day for all of us. I go about my work schedule, and still participate in the activities I have always enjoyed and even still enjoy them.

When I do have to deal with my soon to be ex wife I am cordial and never show emotion. I have been able to do all of this from very soon after I found out.

 

 

My issue is that when I am alone, particularly when my boys are with their Mom for extended amounts of time I just absolutely burn with almost overwhelming anger.

I am sure you all know why I am angry but I can tell this is not normal. I have always had a temper but been able to control it well, and I guess that hasn't changed. But the level of anger I feel now is almost over whelming at times.

 

I have talked to a councillor and that did nothing to help me. It almost made it worse I was so sick of hearing the canned anger control advise from the peon behind his desk.

So here I am looking for real people who have an oh so similar story to mine that have found ways to get the anger to subside. Please understand I am not worried about hurting myself or anyone else I have great control and always have. But it is eating away at me and I know for my own good I need to get rid of it.

 

 

Any suggestions or if anyone with a similar issue has words of wisdom I would appreciate it.

[ladydesigner]

(((Sportsfan7000))) I am one who experienced intense anger both times after initial Dday and after False R.

 

Anger for me really started to take effect at the 6 month mark after the shock and awe wore off.

 

I have had to be put on medication and intensive counseling for my anger as I have hurt myself in the process.

 

Exercise helps, venting to friends, journaling, posting here or on other infidelity forums...try and keep yourself really busy.

 

The anger is a normal part of the grief process as long a you do not get stuck there.

 

You will have times where you trigger or something brings you back to the feelings again and the anger can sometimes be felt again during those times.

 

Hang in there this is a 2-5 year process if your WS is remorseful. If she is not I wouldn't even try to reconcile.

[drifter777]

I think a lot of us can help you but we need some background.

 

Explain d-day from your perspective.

 

You say stbxw - are you in fact divorcing or divorced? If so, what are your financial obligations?

 

How long were you married and/or been with each other exclusively?

 

How long did her affair last (to your knowledge)?

 

Is she living with the other guy now?

[Sportsfan7000]

Thank you for taking the time to answer I knew I wasn't the only one feeling this way but it helps just to know others are going through something similar. I am sorry if that sounds horrible that I am comforted that others feel my pain. In my pride I have put on a brave face and done everything to seem as unaffected by what happened in front of everyone I know so I do feel very alone at times.

 

 

I am trying to avoid medication as much as possible and I really disliked the counselling. Currently looking for a group in my area, maybe like AA for anger issues. I was fanatical about exercise before but I can not describe the intensity with which I work out now. I was always fit but am in the best shape of my life now... Silver lining?

 

 

I am not reconciling with my wife, I moved her out of our house as soon as I could after I found out and am told I am a month or two away from the divorce being final.

 

 

Thanks

[ladydesigner]

How about hitting a punching bag? I do a lot of kickboxing and it helps release a lot of anger.

 

I'm sorry I misread your first post I did not realize you were D'ing.

 

 

I hope with time the anger will lesson for you.

[Sportsfan7000]

Lol me too!! I train at an MMA gym and do a lot of kickboxing. Always have since I was very young so it has been a life of using it to stay centered. I find I am pretty good when I am there focused and calm. It is when I am home alone, especially at bed time, that I just start to get more and more work up and angry.

Drifter we would have been 15 years married this September. 2 fantastic boys. I don't really know how long her affair was. Pretty brief but I have never wanted to talk to her about it at all. When I found out I knew all I needed to know. Is d day the day of the death of my marriage? It was about as bad as you could ask for, very public very, embarrassing. Ended with a physical altercation between me and her boyfriend. It sounds like I am some kind of white trash but that is not the case we were quite well off and I am a professional.

She is not living with him. We are well into the divorce process and my financial obligation is substantial.

 

 

Thanks again for answering. I am going to head home now and see my boys.

[Sandy43]

I am 7 months past d-day and we are still together and there are times when my anger does still get the best of me. I bought some boxing gloves, that has helped but mainly I just try to keep busy. I found that when I was alone all I would do is think about it and just start getting angry so I had to force myself not to dwell on it. It's not easy but I just find something else to occupy my mind.

[ladydesigner]

Lol me too!! I train at an MMA gym and do a lot of kickboxing. Always have since I was very young so it has been a life of using it to stay centered. I find I am pretty good when I am there focused and calm. It is when I am home alone, especially at bed time, that I just start to get more and more work up and angry.

Drifter we would have been 15 years married this September. 2 fantastic boys. I don't really know how long her affair was. Pretty brief but I have never wanted to talk to her about it at all. When I found out I knew all I needed to know. Is d day the day of the death of my marriage? It was about as bad as you could ask for, very public very, embarrassing. Ended with a physical altercation between me and her boyfriend. It sounds like I am some kind of white trash but that is not the case we were quite well off and I am a professional.

She is not living with him. We are well into the divorce process and my financial obligation is substantial.

 

 

Thanks again for answering. I am going to head home now and see my boys.

 

You hug those boys, glad you have them to be happy about.

 

And no you are not the trash, they are! remember that

[RightThere]

You need to find other distractions when it's your "off weeks" with your kids.

 

I would literally fill up my days with activities. This included gym, grocery shopping, exercise, projects around the house, cooking, going out with friends.

 

I found the more activities I had, the less I sat around and stewed.

[SammySammy]

Why are you angry? Can you explain to us what you are angry about and why?

[drifter777]

Ok - thanks for some background. You haven't had a good experience with a counselor so I understand your feelings about that but digging into emotions is tough without some help.

 

There's no quick, easy answer to your question. There's no button to push or pill you can take.

 

Anger is the easiest emotion for most of us to feel because we are familiar with it - we get angry all the time. Sadness? Not so much. Fear, shame & emptiness are other emotions a person will feel after their spouse betrays them in the worst possible way. But how do you express them? With all of these strong emotions swirling around, something is going to leak out of you. And when they start to leak out they are usually expressed with anger since that is the emotion that feels "safe" to most people. All of the negative emotions you feel are expressed through anger because you don't know any other way to express them.

 

Emotions - feelings - can be very scary. For the first time you may feel sadness so dark and deep you cannot face it. Or the shame you feel for your wife's behavior and for feeling so stupid for marrying a cheater. And the loss, the emptiness of your life right now. Much easier to call it all anger and burn inside and out - especially since it's difficult to pinpoint the other feelings eating away at you.

 

I urge you to try counseling again as getting all of this poison out of your heart will bring you much peace. You will never forget & maybe never forgive what she did to you - but you can learn to live with it.

[m.snow]

My Stupid advice,

 

Find a Fling,Date,One Night Stands(ONS), Casual Sex or etc.

From what I saw on the other sites, even though its i'll advice to go on a rebound relationship.

Guys heal faster If they have some fun from what I have read. again even though its not advise.

most people would want the Betrayed Spouse(BS) to walk the Moral Path.

 

I'd rather fast track get to "meh" state, a state of indifference. than keep thinking i'm standing on a moral high ground against my wife.

 

Sooner rather than later. She will have a lover and your children might be spending time with another guy.

And Yes you need Divorce Counseling and Co-Parenting Counseling. cause you will be living with the fact that your children are 50% yours.

 

Again go out there have some fun.

and Time to get a new pair of Moral Lenses to view life with.

 

Since your going through the divorce you need to emotionless and business like. To get the best deal. All the while making your ex-wife emotional so she'd leave some assets alone. guilt trip your wife to losing her share.

 

best not be seen with other women while going to divorce.

Edited July 29, 2015 by m.snow

[drifter777]

My Stupid advice,

 

Find a Fling,Date,One Night Stands(ONS), Casual Sex or etc.

From what I saw on the other sites, even though its i'll advice to go on a rebound relationship.

Guys heal faster If they have some fun from what I have read. again even though its not advise.

most people would want the Betrayed Spouse(BS) to walk the Moral Path.

 

I'd rather fast track get to "meh" state, a state of indifference. than keep thinking i'm standing on a moral high ground against my wife.

 

Sportsfan7000: in no way is this stupid advice! The same with what RightThere advised. Don't sit around moping! And not just the gym - that is part of your regular routine. Yes, it's much better than just sitting around but you need a change of scenery. Go out and play with the girls and feel alive again. Hang out with your buddies more - go to Vegas for a long weekend. Give yourself some treats. And, of course, I'm going to add that these activities are great, great therapy but I still urge you to get back into counseling for the long-term stuff you need to work on.

[BetrayedH]

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join.

 

They say that there's 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. It took me about 6 months to really hit anger. Sounds like you may have skipped the first two by virtue of a quick decision to divorce. I think the first months are such a whirlwind. I think it just takes some time before you start to settle down. Once things settled down for me, it was like, "Hey, you know, now that I think about it, I don't much appreciate this. In fact, I'm kinda pissed off." It's a pretty big injustice and there's nothing to be done about it. It's no surprise that the result is anger.

 

I'd say it really took me two years post-divorce to really reach acceptance. Rest assured, it shall pass.

 

As for support groups, I actually used to attend a support group specifically for betrayed spouses. It was called, the Beyond Affairs Network (or BAN). You'll have to check to see if they have meetings in your city or one near you. The one I attended was once a month and was nearly an hour and a half drive but I always found it to be worth it. I only stopped going because I have the kids on those nights now. Even though it's been years, I still stay on the email list in case I can make one. There's was something strangely reassuring about physically being in the same room with people like me, much like you got some relief just by being able to chat with people here. It won't work a miracle but it's another resource.

 

Stick around. This place really helped me solidify my thoughts and views on the whole ordeal. It helped me process it all. And like you, therapy did little for me (although it did help some and clearly helps others immensely). Anyway, your anger is normal and it'll simply take time to subside. Eventually the rest of your life becomes more important. My ex still tries to push buttons but she's taken enough away from me; she's not taking any more of my time. I am detached and pretty indifferent. You'll get there, too.