Why Confess Everything?

[ShatteredLady]

I'm pretty new to this site. In many ways it's been fantastic. The advise, support & shared experiences are invaluable. In a way it's also heartbreaking. I confess to being a hapless romantic. I met my husband just after my 21 birthday, I'm now 46. I truly believed that whatever life threw at us we would make it through. My parents have always been together. They've experienced many painful things, some so tragic I don't think they would of survived without eachother. I believe in marriage, I believe in unconditional love, I believe in family. Shouldn't it be so easy?

The pain people inflict on eachother is heart wrenching. For what? Affairs & betrayal are so shallow, cruel & meaningless.

 

Anyway...to my question. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on. I wanted to know EVERYTHING, every little detail, I needed to understand. I wish it had never happened. It broke something deep inside me.

What if I'd never found out? What if my husband had just ended his affair. Realized the huge mistake he'd made? Isn't ignorance bliss? Why do you always advise the cheater to confess? Obviously once I knew a little I needed the whole truth. I want a relationship of complete honesty. Instinctively I'd say I want to know.... but the PAIN, everything that the truth does is beyond torturous!

What if I'd never known the terrible truth? Wouldn't I be happier? Is it better to live never knowing? Is ignorance better for the betrayed one?

[Noirek]

I'm pretty new to this site. In many ways it's been fantastic. The advise, support & shared experiences are invaluable. In a way it's also heartbreaking. I confess to being a hapless romantic. I met my husband just after my 21 birthday, I'm now 46. I truly believed that whatever life threw at us we would make it through. My parents have always been together. They've experienced many painful things, some so tragic I don't think they would of survived without eachother. I believe in marriage, I believe in unconditional love, I believe in family. Shouldn't it be so easy?

The pain people inflict on eachother is heart wrenching. For what? Affairs & betrayal are so shallow, cruel & meaningless.

 

Anyway...to my question. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on. I wanted to know EVERYTHING, every little detail, I needed to understand. I wish it had never happened. It broke something deep inside me.

What if I'd never found out? What if my husband had just ended his affair. Realized the huge mistake he'd made? Isn't ignorance bliss? Why do you always advise the cheater to confess? Obviously once I knew a little I needed the whole truth. I want a relationship of complete honesty. Instinctively I'd say I want to know.... but the PAIN, everything that the truth does is beyond torturous!

What if I'd never known the terrible truth? Wouldn't I be happier? Is it better to live never knowing? Is ignorance better for the betrayed one?

 

There are other BS who share your feelings. But most want to know what they know. Is it better? Better to know of an affair that was dead and over? Or not at all? IDK. I think that is really a philosophical question that can never be fully answered. However, most people posting here are still in active affairs. You don't see too many people post "i cheated seven years ago, should I confess". So in light of the fact that the affairs are just ended or still going, confession seems the most ethical way to go about it. Give the BS a chance to make their own choice. Plus, discovery is way worse.

 

Hypothetically, I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and not confessed. But I was incapable of living the duplicity. Keeping that big of a secret was killing me. So I selfishly dumped it on my poor unsuspecting H.

[purplesorrow]

That is a very personal choice. For me, I want to know if my sexual health is at risk. I want to know if the person I lay down with every night is who they claim to be. I don't need someone who couldn't properly navigate their own life making decisions about mine. I wanted to know then and I would want to know in the future.

[DKT3]

In many ways I wish I never knew. But now I'm glad I do.

 

I think confessing is important no matter the direction the WS plans to go.

 

~staying married/together, confessing can be a spring broad to rebuilding trust

 

~divorcing or leaving for AP, confessing can prevent the BS from thinking there was MORE they could have done to change the outcome and keeps them from driving themself crazy with the wondering.

 

For whatever reason we see so often the WS saying its selfish, I've never understood that. They have proven your health and well being isn't all that important so why NOW? I also never believe that for one second. Its like the affair isn't selfish? But now they want to be selfless?

[drifter777]

Great question - it pop's up here quite regularly.

 

Let's assume that the WS is just digging the fun & excitement of strange and has no intention of ending the marriage.

 

Most poster's here advocate for the cheater to confess and that is, generally, great advice. The reasons are that if the WS confesses there is a markedly better chance for reconciliation instead of divorce. Of course the WS must realize that they cannot go on cheating undiscovered forever so the affair will eventually be discovered.

 

Others will say that you can't build a marriage on a lie so get everything out and lay a solid foundation.

 

My advice depends on the affair. If the cheater hasn't yet been discovered, wants to quit cheating and rebuild the marriage, I see no reason to tell the BS. If the cheater has to struggle with guilt, well, that is the price they pay. Dumping their guilt on their spouse is cruel and unnecessary. Of course there is always the risk that the BS will find out about the affair someday so WS must be very certain that the chances of that are miniscule. It's still a risk but everything comes with risk. As far as the marriage built on a lie - well - I don't really know what this means. Everyone lies all the time.

 

As I've said many times, I wish I could un-know about my wife's cheating. I wish it could be erased from my mind forever. Ignorance can be bliss.

[TrustedthenBusted]

There are lots of reasons to confess everything.

 

For me, the truth was what I was after. No matter how bad the answer, feeling like I was getting the hard truth was better than getting an easy lie.

 

Getting the truth told me I was dealing with my wife. Getting a lie told me I was dealing with the confused cheating whore that I didn't know.

 

Over time, it's the lies that have done the most damage.

 

As for the hypothetical confessing after having an affair and never getting caught....nope. ya gotta do it. Not only to live an authentic life ( if your spouse chooses to remain in one with you ) but to prevent it from happening again.

 

I think if someone has an affair, has it run its course, and never gets caught or comes clean...they have a VERY high probability of doing it again someday.

 

Very high.

[Friskyone4u]

Shattered

 

No pat answer to this question. Every person is different and circumstances of affairs are different.

 

if you do not know and find out years later, even by accident, it can be even more traumatic. Some who get the details have such terrible mind movies they do not recover.

 

As a BS, the only answer is that you get whatever you feel you need. not what WS decides to feed you. That should be the guiding factor.

[Methodical]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/534015-what-i-didn-t-know-didn-t-hurt-me

 

This link may help.

[m.snow]

I Say

 

the truth rather than ILYBNILWY.

 

ignorance is a bliss often leads to back stab.

 

while the wayward prepares for a soft-landing to leave you in the dust.

same old same old.

 

i have seen the worst of a wayward can do.

 

Restraining Order (False TRO, False abuse allegation, back-up by AP & BFF's)

Full Custody (has other people take care of the children| all the while children spend 6 days a week with you and 1 day at the in laws)

Life Time Alimony (is earning 3x morethan you btw)

 

Kicking you out of the house.

Having AP in the house.

Bang the AP in your bedroom.

Children not even in the house. <-saddest part left with in laws.

 

And the Pièce De Résistance, A decade later.

WW gets bone cancer (karma bus hits hard btw!)

WW tells the Church to convince you and the children to reconcile for forgiveness and you take care of WW.

 

take care of her wtf!. carry her to the toilet and wipe her paralyzed a*s. why don't you shrivel up and just die.

Edited July 30, 2015 by m.snow

[casey.lives]

so i can wallow in self pity and be a perfect little martyr.. and i can be damsel in distress in the provocation of my own prolong misery??????!!!!!

NO THANK YOU! i just want to know- Are you staying or are you going?!

[Chi townD]

some people suffer from something called mind movies and some don't. Those that don't, don't want to know a damn thing.

 

 

But, the ones that suffer from mind movies need to know everything. Because if they don't, then there's missing data in your head. You're brain is Not your friend and it fills the missing gaps with movies of what you THINK happened and sometimes those mind movies are worse than what truly happened.

 

 

So, you need the truth so your mind doesn't screw with you with mind movies.

[Lurkeraspect]

Truth is power. Mainly yours.

[nikki76]

I Say

 

the truth rather than ILYBNILWY.

 

ignorance is a bliss often leads to back stab.

 

while the wayward prepares for a soft-landing to leave you in the dust.

same old same old.

 

i have seen the worst of a wayward can do.

 

Restraining Order (False TRO, False abuse allegation, back-up by AP & BFF's)

Full Custody (has other people take care of the children| all the while children spend 6 days a week with you and 1 day at the in laws)

Life Time Alimony (is earning 3x morethan you btw)

 

Kicking you out of the house.

Having AP in the house.

Bang the AP in your bedroom.

Children not even in the house. <-saddest part left with in laws.

 

And the Pièce De Résistance, A decade later.

WW gets bone cancer (karma bus hits hard btw!)

WW tells the Church to convince you and the children to reconcile for forgiveness and you take care of WW.

 

take care of her wtf!. carry her to the toilet and wipe her paralyzed a*s. why don't you shrivel up and just die.

 

So you think WW getting bone marrow cancer is karma? And you have the nerve to mention her "paralyzed ass"? And hopes she shrivels up and dies?

Wow, if you believe in karma, I really hope karma is a bitch to you! Thats pretty messed up! Seriously.

[the_artist_1970]

I'm pretty new to this site. In many ways it's been fantastic. The advise, support & shared experiences are invaluable. In a way it's also heartbreaking. I confess to being a hapless romantic. I met my husband just after my 21 birthday, I'm now 46. I truly believed that whatever life threw at us we would make it through. My parents have always been together. They've experienced many painful things, some so tragic I don't think they would of survived without eachother. I believe in marriage, I believe in unconditional love, I believe in family. Shouldn't it be so easy?

The pain people inflict on eachother is heart wrenching. For what? Affairs & betrayal are so shallow, cruel & meaningless.

 

Anyway...to my question. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on. I wanted to know EVERYTHING, every little detail, I needed to understand. I wish it had never happened. It broke something deep inside me.

What if I'd never found out? What if my husband had just ended his affair. Realized the huge mistake he'd made? Isn't ignorance bliss? Why do you always advise the cheater to confess? Obviously once I knew a little I needed the whole truth. I want a relationship of complete honesty. Instinctively I'd say I want to know.... but the PAIN, everything that the truth does is beyond torturous!

What if I'd never known the terrible truth? Wouldn't I be happier? Is it better to live never knowing? Is ignorance better for the betrayed one?

 

I needed to know the truth 100%. The total truth help me to see what was going on in my M and with the man that I love. The total truth allowed us to pick up the pieces and rebuild a stronger foundation. I have always have to live in complete truth. I was never one to bury my head in the sand. Living authentically makes me feel good and the fact that my DH was able to give me the total truth (which was painful to hear) helped me to rebuild trust. Having any major secrets in a marriage breaks down the intimacy.

[road]

So you think WW getting bone marrow cancer is karma? And you have the nerve to mention her "paralyzed ass"? And hopes she shrivels up and dies?

Wow, if you believe in karma, I really hope karma is a bitch to you! Thats pretty messed up! Seriously.

 

He did wish this on XWW.

 

 

He did not mention karma.

 

 

So what are you talking about?

 

 

She chose the OM. The OM should be taking care of her.

 

 

Why are you not all over the OM's butt for not taking care of her?

 

 

After all this XWW did to her BH I do not blame him for refusing to do anything for her now. And that is all he said.

[autumnnight]

There are many reasons to confess all:

 

The BS deserves to know the truth of their life. They deserve to have all the information about their spouse. And it is best coming from their spouse instead of having to be found out.

 

As Chi said, mind movies can be a terrible thing. Imagination can be worse than reality or ever changing. If a BS wants to know everything, then that is what the WS should share. The BS controls the knowledge.

 

IMO, a willingness to share all the truth is one of the first essential steps in change and repentance.

 

Pragmatically, if you cheat, you can NEVER be 100% sure it won't be found out. A stray remark, a forgotten text, a bill, a real live close friend or relative....or even stalkers. That is why I say if conscience doesn't motivate confession....at least the control of a pre-emptive confession should.

 

For BS who have said they wish they didn't know. The more I read, the more I think it is not so much that they don't want to know ABOUT the A, but they want the A not to have happened at all, and in the absence of that, not knowing might be the best they think they could have had.

 

What a terrible position for a WS to put their spouse in.

[Mickey1982]

So you think WW getting bone marrow cancer is karma? And you have the nerve to mention her "paralyzed ass"? And hopes she shrivels up and dies?

Wow, if you believe in karma, I really hope karma is a bitch to you! Thats pretty messed up! Seriously.

 

I haven't posted in a long time, but this one just hit me the wrong way. Nikki, I am so in AGREEMENT with you.

 

Who says that? Just.....WOW. SMH. Unbelievable.

[Star lights]

I Say

 

the truth rather than ILYBNILWY.

 

ignorance is a bliss often leads to back stab.

 

while the wayward prepares for a soft-landing to leave you in the dust.

same old same old.

 

i have seen the worst of a wayward can do.

 

Restraining Order (False TRO, False abuse allegation, back-up by AP & BFF's)

Full Custody (has other people take care of the children| all the while children spend 6 days a week with you and 1 day at the in laws)

Life Time Alimony (is earning 3x morethan you btw)

 

Kicking you out of the house.

Having AP in the house.

Bang the AP in your bedroom.

Children not even in the house. <-saddest part left with in laws.

 

And the Pièce De Résistance, A decade later.

WW gets bone cancer (karma bus hits hard btw!)

WW tells the Church to convince you and the children to reconcile for forgiveness and you take care of WW.

 

take care of her wtf!. carry her to the toilet and wipe her paralyzed a*s. why don't you shrivel up and just die.

 

M.snow, please correct me if I am wrong but from what you have said I assume you have suffered due to your ex wife's actions but to wish her dead and believe it's karma is unhealthy for yourself.

 

I can sympathise that she has made things very hard for you and I cannot begin to understand what that was like for you but for your own well being you should possibly seek advice and help on how to cope with your past and maybe on how to start your healing process through forgiveness. I'm not saying in any way that you should look after your ex and I find it terrible of her to ask that of you, but for yourself you need to find a way to move forward.

 

Maybe she is sorry for her actions and when facing death is trying to right her wrongs, I am sure this is genuine...you once loved her and maybe you can use that emotion to benefit yourself.

 

Maybe then you will be able to tell her she has forgiveness before she dies if you feel that way once you have healed more (this doesn't mean you should be expected to look after her at all)

 

Maybe you will decide that you in no way forgive her and do not wish to ease her conscience before she dies but this isn't to much about her but more about you and your need to heal.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Star lights

[autumnnight]

And the Pièce De Résistance, A decade later.

WW gets bone cancer (karma bus hits hard btw!)

WW tells the Church to convince you and the children to reconcile for forgiveness and you take care of WW.

 

take care of her wtf!. carry her to the toilet and wipe her paralyzed a*s. why don't you shrivel up and just die.

 

Wow....if this isn't a cry for serious therapy I don't know what is.....

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you all. I'm the OP. the comment that summed me up was "Really you don't want it to of happened". Once I know anything, I NEED to know everything. If an affair is long dead I'm not sure I'd want a confession now (if I still believed my husband loyal). I just want my fantasy life back. the actual affair was long ago. His EA with her has just ended?

 

The talk of never taking his sick wife back hit me too. I think it's the words used & the bitterness that's hard to hear. I'm a chronic pain sufferer & know that most marriages (particularly when the woman is the pain patient) end in divorce. They're functional marriages! This is a different subject. Maybe I should start a new thread.

The truth is people change when facing terminal illness. You could get tremendous understanding & closure for yourself & your KIDS. A family friend recently died of cancer. His wayward life was beyond insignificant after that last year. His wife found a true happiness & experienced an intimacy she didn't think was possible between 2 people.

[autumnnight]

A family friend recently died of cancer. His wayward life was beyond insignificant after that last year. His wife found a true happiness & experienced an intimacy she didn't think was possible between 2 people.

 

When two people choose to be capable of human empathy this can happen. I am glad for your friend and his wife that they chose intimacy. I know many people who would curse a FWS to the grave while they suffered of cancer. So sad.

[No Limit]

It's your RIGHT to know, easy as that. A WS makes so many decisions over your head which also have an impact on you due to this big promise-thing called marriage, and most of the time even before marriage people promise to be exclusive and faithful to one another. Why do you want to give him the reins over your life? If you do that you cannot expect another person not to take advantage of it.

[drifter777]

Thank you all. I'm the OP. the comment that summed me up was "Really you don't want it to of happened". Once I know anything, I NEED to know everything. If an affair is long dead I'm not sure I'd want a confession now (if I still believed my husband loyal). I just want my fantasy life back. the actual affair was long ago. His EA with her has just ended?

 

I think the key here is if the BS knows they are a BS. After d-day I believe the BS is entitled to know everything they want to know. They need to understand that they cannot un-hear any of the dirty, disgusting details but if they still want to know than the WS should tell them anything.

 

If my wife has had an affair that I do not know about the I pray that she keeps her mouth shut. I don't need any more pain.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is ignorance better for the betrayed one?

 

A healthy marriage is one of equals, there's a balance of power.

 

How could you ever be equals going forward with only one partner in possession of such fundamental and profound knowledge? Also, unless you're married to a sociopath, the WS is going to be affected by the burden of guilt with mood swings, anger, resentment, etc, all of which need context to be understood.

 

I might be diagnosed with a terminal disease and think secrecy would do my spouse a favor by sparing her the emotional burden of my prognosis. In reality, I'd be depriving her of the chance to make necessary and timely informed decisions. Infidelity is no different...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nikki76]

He did wish this on XWW.

 

 

He did not mention karma.

 

 

So what are you talking about?

 

 

She chose the OM. The OM should be taking care of her.

 

 

Why are you not all over the OM's butt for not taking care of her?

 

 

After all this XWW did to her BH I do not blame him for refusing to do anything for her now. And that is all he said.

 

Reread that persons post...they did mention karma. To be exact "the karma bus hits hard btw".