Why Confess Everything?

[katielee]

Truth=respect. Respect me enough to allow me a choice. Know that if caught, trust goes OUT the window.

[SammySammy]

I've believe it's possible to know the truth without knowing all of the hurtful details. I've long argued that demanding to know each little detail brings unnecessary pain upon yourself. Beyond torturous, as you said.

 

Is putting yourself through all of that pain necessary to make an informed decision about the direction of the relationship? I don't think so.

[drifter777]

I've believe it's possible to know the truth without knowing all of the hurtful details. I've long argued that demanding to know each little detail brings unnecessary pain upon yourself. Beyond torturous, as you said.

 

Is putting yourself through all of that pain necessary to make an informed decision about the direction of the relationship? I don't think so.

You don't think so - fine. Many BS's want every detail - they need details because they are desperate to understand why WS did it. The BS is entitled to everything they want to know. Different strokes for different folks...

[road]

I've believe it's possible to know the truth without knowing all of the hurtful details. I've long argued that demanding to know each little detail brings unnecessary pain upon yourself. Beyond torturous, as you said.

 

Is putting yourself through all of that pain necessary to make an informed decision about the direction of the relationship? I don't think so.

 

You don't think so - fine. Many BS's want every detail - they need details because they are desperate to understand why WS did it. The BS is entitled to everything they want to know. Different strokes for different folks...

 

Once you have heard things you can never un-hear them.

 

 

This is why the BS gets to control how much detail they hear.

 

 

Yes a lot of BS can know the whole who what when where and how without the details. A lot of BS must have the details.

 

 

Neither way is correct. Each way just meets the level of need for the BS.

[Confused48]

OP,

 

I too wanted all the details. I too regretted having heard some of the details I was given.

 

That being said, if I could turn back time, I'd still ask those same questions. Is this incongruent? No doubt. Do affairs make you crazy,,,

[Shinebrightforever]

OP,

 

I too wanted all the details. I too regretted having heard some of the details I was given.

 

That being said, if I could turn back time, I'd still ask those same questions. Is this incongruent? No doubt. Do affairs make you crazy,,,

 

uh yes. HELL yes. Affairs make ANYONE crazy. They just don't know it until the A is taken away....or until D day shakes them back to reality.

[Dutchman1]

My ex wife who strayed multiple times,in fact killed something in me, triggered

a life I'm living now told me all the gore details of her sexcapades when drunk and laughing in my face is now dying of cancer.

Nothing to do with karma, Mrs. Dutchman and myself being survivors of cancer.

My ex won't make Xmas 2015, I really don't care for her , but cry for her kids being 12, 14, and 17.

 

Dutchman 1

[privategal]

I'm pretty new to this site. In many ways it's been fantastic. The advise, support & shared experiences are invaluable. In a way it's also heartbreaking. I confess to being a hapless romantic. I met my husband just after my 21 birthday, I'm now 46. I truly believed that whatever life threw at us we would make it through. My parents have always been together. They've experienced many painful things, some so tragic I don't think they would of survived without eachother. I believe in marriage, I believe in unconditional love, I believe in family. Shouldn't it be so easy?

The pain people inflict on eachother is heart wrenching. For what? Affairs & betrayal are so shallow, cruel & meaningless.

 

Anyway...to my question. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on. I wanted to know EVERYTHING, every little detail, I needed to understand. I wish it had never happened. It broke something deep inside me.

What if I'd never found out? What if my husband had just ended his affair. Realized the huge mistake he'd made? Isn't ignorance bliss? Why do you always advise the cheater to confess? Obviously once I knew a little I needed the whole truth. I want a relationship of complete honesty. Instinctively I'd say I want to know.... but the PAIN, everything that the truth does is beyond torturous!

What if I'd never known the terrible truth? Wouldn't I be happier? Is it better to live never knowing? Is ignorance better for the betrayed one?

I want to tell you something...

Befor there was a dday my eap of many years called me one day told me we needed to stop this thing.

He went from very "hot" to cold overnight without any prompting or suspician of his wife.

His guilt was eating away at him...he loved her, we had gotten carried away and he snapped to.

He never put her down or told me intimate details.

I got the sense he just needed as a father and a husband to feel like "he still got it" but he saw how much it could hurt his wife and family and opted out before it was too late.

I believe there are good guys out there who just get caught up.i hope you can give it a chance.

[ShatteredLady]

When my husband had his first affair it came with such emotional abuse (totally alien for him. He's a very gentle kind man. I don't think he could put her on a pedestal without kicking me in the gutter) we had been together about 12 years, married 6. I moved (I pushed) to USA for him. We were 'perfect' but he was depressed about work. He needed more respect. I thought moving here would make him happy. I pushed for him to go to school. It gave him a real career but all that time distanced us. She worked with him. He spent all day with her but school & study at night. That was the excuse.

 

Soon after I learnt of the affair my brother (only sibling) committed suicide. I split my life into before & after. Everything was genuinely forgotten because my brothers death was so overwhelming & my husband was wonderful.

 

I never had the truth, the whole truth. Now I find my husband has held resentment for 12 years. He 'sacrificed' his relationship. He hurt himself & her by "letting her go" & although I helped him write the 'dumping email' (I'm pathetic) I never "gave him the gratitude & support" he felt he deserved for such a sacrifice.

 

We've gone on to have 2 children. I brought 2 human beings into this world based on the truth (lies) I was given.

 

After our first baby I was struck with spinal degeneration. I pushed on never inconvieiencing him. Last year I nearly died & needed emergency surgery. It all caught up with me. 2 little kids, chronic pain (a monster you have to encounter to understand) my parents mortality as an only child etc. etc. etc. all too much. I became depressed. I needed caring. He saw it as neglect. He didn't feel "special" so he started an affair with her again. I don't really know anything. I'm living with what you call trickle truth. I discover something, he confesses but makes me feel like a crazy, paranoid person for suggesting more....I discover that I'm right & he confesses but again attacks me for doubting him more...then I learn I right again. Rinse & repeat.

 

I've moved from my country, my family & friends. I've left my extremely successful career, I've born 2 children, etc etc etc based on lies & half truths. I want my fantasy back. I'm too damaged for reality right now but I NEED to know everything! I posted this question before new revaluations. I still don't know how I feel. I'm not this woman but I must be because I'm living this tragic soap opera. I'm embarrassed. I'm broken & lost. I've lost everything & gained my beautiful children. I NEED to fall apart but I can't because I'm a mother. I want to die but I can't put my family through that because I know the truth of the devastation I'd leave in my wake.

 

I'm the sort of strong woman who would tell any person with half my story to run for the hills. I've lost me because I'm not!