I'm the Other Man - My MW has gone distant and I need dealing

[kangamatt]

Hi,

 

I'm new here... I've been in a relationship with a MW since March of 2014, so approximately a year and a half. We are both 46.

 

We had a relationship 17 years ago which she left me for her ex boyfriend who she later married and they have a 14 year old daughter.

 

I was torn up when she left and always thought of her. Over the years she's reached out to me twice to see if I would take her back but I never did because she wasn't divorced and I guess i didn't trust that she would.

 

Anyway after a 10 year relationship I had ended... I reached out to her and the rest is history. We've had a passionate physical and emotional affair and were talking about a future together.

 

Her husband has been gone for the past 4 years in Suadi Arabia other places for 'work'. She claims they haven't had sex for 14 years and that I was the love of her life. She claims that her husband has had 100's of affairs and perhaps has other kids that she doesn't know about.

 

She was and is the love of my life and has been since we were first together almost 17 years ago.

 

The one thing, besides her being married, that's been a constant challenge for us is that she is very suspicious of me.... It kills me because she's had my full and utmost attention and I've never cheated or thought about cheating on her..but anyway, beginning in May, she began to show some emotional distancing which made me confused, and panicked at times.

 

The distancing continued and has now most recently turned into her telling me that she's distancing so that I'll be able to find someone else.

 

All the while she'll come to me for sex which is always amazing and then always question me about being with someone else. I don't get it... I've been completely committed.

 

I don't know if she's pulling away because it she really wants me to be with someone else, if she really thinks that she can't trust me, or if she is scared of leaving her 'husband'!

 

Up until 3 months ago we were talking about adopting a baby together and she was seeing a lawyer. NOW.... I don't know at all and I'm terribly confused. Does this happen to other people in my situation? What's my best course of action?

 

Help.. I hate it and can't talk to anyone.

[DKT3]

Hi,

 

I'm new here... I've been in a relationship with a MW since March of 2014, so approximately a year and a half. We are both 46.

 

We had a relationship 17 years ago which she left me for her ex boyfriend who she later married and they have a 14 year old daughter.

 

I was torn up when she left and always thought of her. Over the years she's reached out to me twice to see if I would take her back but I never did because she wasn't divorced and I guess i didn't trust that she would.

 

Anyway after a 10 year relationship I had ended... I reached out to her and the rest is history. We've had a passionate physical and emotional affair and were talking about a future together.

 

Her husband has been gone for the past 4 years in Suadi Arabia other places for 'work'. She claims they haven't had sex for 14 years and that I was the love of her life. She claims that her husband has had 100's of affairs and perhaps has other kids that she doesn't know about.

 

She was and is the love of my life and has been since we were first together almost 17 years ago.

 

The one thing, besides her being married, that's been a constant challenge for us is that she is very suspicious of me.... It kills me because she's had my full and utmost attention and I've never cheated or thought about cheating on her..but anyway, beginning in May, she began to show some emotional distancing which made me confused, and panicked at times.

 

The distancing continued and has now most recently turned into her telling me that she's distancing so that I'll be able to find someone else.

 

All the while she'll come to me for sex which is always amazing and then always question me about being with someone else. I don't get it... I've been completely committed.

 

I don't know if she's pulling away because it she really wants me to be with someone else, if she really thinks that she can't trust me, or if she is scared of leaving her 'husband'!

 

Up until 3 months ago we were talking about adopting a baby together and she was seeing a lawyer. NOW.... I don't know at all and I'm terribly confused. Does this happen to other people in my situation? What's my best course of action?

 

Help.. I hate it and can't talk to anyone.

 

Come on man, you believe the stuff this woman is saying?

 

To me sounds like hubby maybe on the way home soon. Adopting a baby? Really? How does that work when she is married to another man?

 

Woke up and move on.

[RoseVille]

Is her husband Middle Eastern? Does she physically fear him? Culturally, I can see why she'd be concerned about leaving, if that's the case.

 

If not, she's just making excuses.

[Popsicle]

xMM acted this way with me too. I think it's a lot of projection. All you can do is let her go.

[rhymemepoet]

Hi Kangamatt,

 

OM here, just like you but a little younger (41) and better looking (just kidding). I was with MW for three years, the best most intense relationship I ever had, sex twice a day six days a week. In the beginning, we would f**k literally over and hour. Talk about drug addicted! There is no drug in the world that comes near the intensity of a hot affair, especially as my MW was a pro at affairs and purposely picked a husband who who shut up and take it (poor bastard). I am telling you this so you will know that you don't have a monopoly on the whole affair dynamic.

 

So why am I writing to you. I am like the sponsor who holds your hand when you go to AA. I learned the lesson I was supposed to learn from the A and I am here to help teach it you.

 

The reason why you, me, and anybody else who enters a LTA (long term affair) is because emotionally speaking, we are broken. The rub is that usually the married partner is so broken that they don't know that they are so.

 

Here is where you are lucky, in that you are given the chance to grow so much from this affair if you are just honest with yourself about yourself and your feelings. The married partner, because they have a built-in hiding place in their primary relationship, are the ones who yield more power over the single partner. So here is the lesson I learned from the ending of my A: To own is power, but to be owned is all powerful.

 

Let that sink in. You were owned by her, her slave and you got down on your knees with your tongue out at the drop of her panties on your bedroom floor. You enslaved yourself to this godess willingly, and probably thought of her in those terms which helped to salve the whole inequity thing. Be honest man, you felt like a tiny turd after she would leave you to go back home. That rage would manifest itself in a power struggle, where you become the tiger and she has you by the tail. No matter how much you told her you would not bite if she let go, she was not convinced. Because she knew she was really ****ing you over, she assumed you must be trying to **** her over too. Simple psychology, yet you are so complex that you can not see just how simple, petty and immature she really is. As you grow away from her, more and more you will see that there is nothing more complex driving her affairs than a simple need.

 

So what are you going to do, hold on to the end of a movie and not leave theater. The reason movies end, is so you can watch other ones.

 

Here is a healthy way to view your A: it was the time of a life, and some of the best romance and sex you are likely to have in your lifetime. Be thankful you had it and not bitter that it is over. If you are lucky, and this little lady will prove to be good soul and really leave you alone forever. If she is a cunt then she will use you over and over and over until you are beyond repair. I know it is impossible to resist, so if she calls you cum. There is no defense a man has other to find another woman, and we both know that ain't happening if there is even the slightest tiniest remotest chance that she may call you. Only when you are so far removed that you look forward more to the next woman than to getting back with her, will you see that the air is so much cleaner up there.

 

I got lucky in a sense, that I could fall back into my (utterly horrible) marriage. No worries from me, because I get to be with my kids every day now, and I had to live without them for so long. Living with the wife, at best is like watching a boring old black and white tv show, and at worst like sliding down a life size cheese grater made slippery by a constant flow of rubbing alcohol. So how can I go from such love and romance to a relationship devoid of any affection at all? I look at it from the right perspective:

 

I had enough sex in the three years to equal a normal relationship lasting six. I had my fill, and now I am being filled with what I had been devoid of the past six years, which is seeing my kids and being with them everyday. I know that this too will end, especially as I need love so bad, but I realize that life will give me what I need if I just learn to let slide what I want.

 

Good luck, and I hope the best for you. From your message, I can tell it isn't over between you and her. But it will be one day. The difference between your happiness and destitution is simply perspective.

[Lurkeraspect]

Hi,

 

I'm new here... I've been in a relationship with a MW since March of 2014, so approximately a year and a half. We are both 46.

 

We had a relationship 17 years ago which she left me for her ex boyfriend who she later married and they have a 14 year old daughter.

 

I was torn up when she left and always thought of her. Over the years she's reached out to me twice to see if I would take her back but I never did because she wasn't divorced and I guess i didn't trust that she would.

 

Anyway after a 10 year relationship I had ended... I reached out to her and the rest is history. We've had a passionate physical and emotional affair and were talking about a future together.

 

Her husband has been gone for the past 4 years in Suadi Arabia other places for 'work'. She claims they haven't had sex for 14 years and that I was the love of her life. She claims that her husband has had 100's of affairs and perhaps has other kids that she doesn't know about.

 

She was and is the love of my life and has been since we were first together almost 17 years ago.

 

The one thing, besides her being married, that's been a constant challenge for us is that she is very suspicious of me.... It kills me because she's had my full and utmost attention and I've never cheated or thought about cheating on her..but anyway, beginning in May, she began to show some emotional distancing which made me confused, and panicked at times.

 

The distancing continued and has now most recently turned into her telling me that she's distancing so that I'll be able to find someone else.

 

All the while she'll come to me for sex which is always amazing and then always question me about being with someone else. I don't get it... I've been completely committed.

 

I don't know if she's pulling away because it she really wants me to be with someone else, if she really thinks that she can't trust me, or if she is scared of leaving her 'husband'!

 

Up until 3 months ago we were talking about adopting a baby together and she was seeing a lawyer. NOW.... I don't know at all and I'm terribly confused. Does this happen to other people in my situation? What's my best course of action?

 

Help.. I hate it and can't talk to anyone.

 

Welcome to LS. Sorry for your predicament.

 

You know...there have been times in my life, when like you, I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about things. Know why? It was usually because it was beyond the realm of any sort of normal behavior.

 

Your (married) ex is an ex for a very good reason. And oh, by the way, is still married, and sounds like that's where she's staying.

 

All your talk of adopting a child together, is just that, talk. You and her could perhaps adopt a puppy, but given her marital status, there will be no adoption of the human sort.

 

Follow your head here. She's married, will probably remain married. Sorry, but this is a non starter for anything lasting and/or permanent. Unless of course, you're willing to continue on being the guy she makes time for when she's bored or lonely in her marriage.

 

So sad.

[SammySammy]

Your story is so similar to mine. Except she won't leave me alone rather than withdrawing. Though I'm doing my best to end it through long-term no contact.

 

I would welcome her withdrawing. It would give us a chance reflect and regroup. If we were serious about being together (I'm not), then we could have a chance to do the thing right. Let her get a divorce and then build your relationship on much more solid ground.

 

Just my humble opinion.

[casey.lives]

Being owned/married is powerful.. you are truly powerless and undignified whereas she's powerless and dignified. Find your own husband

[FusionCutter]

She claimed her husband had 100s of affairs and never had sex in 14 years? Take your head out of the affair sandbox and realize how ridiculous that sounds. She's a horrible horrible person and you have a lot of emotional growing up to do.

 

I hope you find peace to move on from this. It's clear she was using you and you need to recognize that. She's being a bad person to her husband and you're being a bad person for doing this. Don't further kill your soul. Get out while you still have dignity left and never ever look back.

[NewLeaf512]

Hi Kangamatt,

 

OM here, just like you but a little younger (41) and better looking (just kidding). I was with MW for three years, the best most intense relationship I ever had, sex twice a day six days a week. In the beginning, we would f**k literally over and hour. Talk about drug addicted! There is no drug in the world that comes near the intensity of a hot affair, especially as my MW was a pro at affairs and purposely picked a husband who who shut up and take it (poor bastard). I am telling you this so you will know that you don't have a monopoly on the whole affair dynamic.

So why am I writing to you. I am like the sponsor who holds your hand when you go to AA. I learned the lesson I was supposed to learn from the A and I am here to help teach it you.

 

The reason why you, me, and anybody else who enters a LTA (long term affair) is because emotionally speaking, we are broken. The rub is that usually the married partner is so broken that they don't know that they are so.

 

Here is where you are lucky, in that you are given the chance to grow so much from this affair if you are just honest with yourself about yourself and your feelings. The married partner, because they have a built-in hiding place in their primary relationship, are the ones who yield more power over the single partner. So here is the lesson I learned from the ending of my A: To own is power, but to be owned is all powerful.

 

Let that sink in. You were owned by her, her slave and you got down on your knees with your tongue out at the drop of her panties on your bedroom floor. You enslaved yourself to this godess willingly, and probably thought of her in those terms which helped to salve the whole inequity thing. Be honest man, you felt like a tiny turd after she would leave you to go back home. That rage would manifest itself in a power struggle, where you become the tiger and she has you by the tail. No matter how much you told her you would not bite if she let go, she was not convinced. Because she knew she was really ****ing you over, she assumed you must be trying to **** her over too. Simple psychology, yet you are so complex that you can not see just how simple, petty and immature she really is. As you grow away from her, more and more you will see that there is nothing more complex driving her affairs than a simple need.

 

So what are you going to do, hold on to the end of a movie and not leave theater. The reason movies end, is so you can watch other ones.

 

Here is a healthy way to view your A: it was the time of a life, and some of the best romance and sex you are likely to have in your lifetime. Be thankful you had it and not bitter that it is over. If you are lucky, and this little lady will prove to be good soul and really leave you alone forever. If she is a cunt then she will use you over and over and over until you are beyond repair. I know it is impossible to resist, so if she calls you cum. There is no defense a man has other to find another woman, and we both know that ain't happening if there is even the slightest tiniest remotest chance that she may call you. Only when you are so far removed that you look forward more to the next woman than to getting back with her, will you see that the air is so much cleaner up there.

 

I got lucky in a sense, that I could fall back into my (utterly horrible) marriage. No worries from me, because I get to be with my kids every day now, and I had to live without them for so long. Living with the wife, at best is like watching a boring old black and white tv show, and at worst like sliding down a life size cheese grater made slippery by a constant flow of rubbing alcohol. So how can I go from such love and romance to a relationship devoid of any affection at all? I look at it from the right perspective:

 

I had enough sex in the three years to equal a normal relationship lasting six. I had my fill, and now I am being filled with what I had been devoid of the past six years, which is seeing my kids and being with them everyday. I know that this too will end, especially as I need love so bad, but I realize that life will give me what I need if I just learn to let slide what I want.

 

Good luck, and I hope the best for you. From your message, I can tell it isn't over between you and her. But it will be one day. The difference between your happiness and destitution is simply perspective.

 

 

how long ago was you A and do you still think about exMW?

[NewLeaf512]

Your story is so similar to mine. Except she won't leave me alone rather than withdrawing. Though I'm doing my best to end it through long-term no contact.

 

I would welcome her withdrawing. It would give us a chance reflect and regroup. If we were serious about being together (I'm not), then we could have a chance to do the thing right. Let her get a divorce and then build your relationship on much more solid ground.

 

Just my humble opinion.

 

 

 

If you are not serious, why not just tell her and end it? Or did I miss something?

[SammySammy]

If you are not serious, why not just tell her and end it? Or did I miss something?

 

Because she's the most persistent woman I've ever come across in my life. One who insists I'm "the love of her life" though she knows I'm not in love with her and don't want to be in a relationship with her. If I've told her that once, I've told her a hundred times. It doesn't matter to her.

[Majormisstep]

She keeps drawing you back in because YOU LET HER. What sane woman would keep a husband around if he/she claims he's had 100's of affairs? She should have recurring test appointments in the STD clinic if this were truly the case. Unfortunately you could be exposed to some of these diseases. And the 14 year absence from sex? Doubt it...

 

Something isn't adding up with her stories. Her distrust of you could very well stem from the fact she is in a dishonest relationship. Or she's doing the ol' push-pull and with hopes you will tire of it and walk away.

 

If hubby has been working for years in Saudi, chances are he's bringing home a healthy paycheck and for some people, that is just too hard to leave.

 

Tell her once her divorce is final you two can adopt dozens of babies. Until then....NC.

[kangamatt]

Is her husband Middle Eastern? Does she physically fear him? Culturally, I can see why she'd be concerned about leaving, if that's the case.

 

If not, she's just making excuses.

 

Yes he's Saudi!

 

Also, It just kills me that she's been so suspicious of me. I'm going through withdrawl and grieving right now. Frustrated and sad.

[whichwayisup]

Because she's the most persistent woman I've ever come across in my life. One who insists I'm "the love of her life" though she knows I'm not in love with her and don't want to be in a relationship with her. If I've told her that once, I've told her a hundred times. It doesn't matter to her.

 

Then cut her out of your life, why bother even speaking to her or having an affair? You are in charge of your own life so don't let her bully you or manipulate you, walk away.

[elaine567]

Yes he's Saudi!

 

 

I guess his opinion on adultery* may be pretty extreme, so I am not surprised she is now distancing from you and she would be afraid of leaving.

 

*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capital_punishment_in_Saudi_Arabia#Adultery