AP ended it then contacted...Why?

[HopelessMM]

3 days ago my AP ended the A after months if not years of trying to end it. Then last night barraged me with texts and phone calls and i feel like im back to ground zero and day one. AP is telling me that my emotions of being upset and sad are untrue and a show. I have been upset...very. AP cant understand why i wont leave my family if im this upset. AP says that if im this upset it should show that i cant be without her. (Background LTA, AP knew i was M and I never told AP i would leave) AP has me running around in circles, I do not know what to do!

[Dela]

I am an OW (ExOW) and sometimes i feel the same way. my ExMM did tell me he would leave, was thinking about it etc. but he didn t do it. so i ended the A.

 

i m also having a hard time understanding how he s feeling sad and miserable, that he loves me but won t do anything about it.

 

i think what she s feeling is normal. it is natural that when someone feels this way (as u feel) it s expected they do something about it. i told my ex that he doesn t have any right to be sad. he is sad for his choices...

 

i haven t contacted him though. maybe u have a new perspective on these things. thanks

Edited July 30, 2015 by Dela
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[Sastrugi]

3 days ago my AP ended the A after months if not years of trying to end it. Then last night barraged me with texts and phone calls and i feel like im back to ground zero and day one. AP is telling me that my emotions of being upset and sad are untrue and a show. I have been upset...very. AP cant understand why i wont leave my family if im this upset. AP says that if im this upset it should show that i cant be without her. (Background LTA, AP knew i was M and I never told AP i would leave) AP has me running around in circles, I do not know what to do!

 

Start with, who do you want to be with? If it is your wife and family, you must go NC with AP...

[Sandy43]

I read your other posts and I have a hard time understanding why you are in a relationship with this woman? She tries to control you by threatening to tell your wife if you do anything that she doesn't like. You need to tell your wife yourself before she does and get her out of your life, she is toxic. You are the one who needs to end the A and go completely NC immediately.

[Lois_Griffin]

Oh my.

 

Look, the sad truth here is that you're asking someone to give up her damned life to be your dirty little secret. You can protest all you want, but it's true. Peel away all the silly little fantasy talk about being 'soul mates' and the 'star-crossed love' nonsense and the reality is that in the end, you bring NOTHING to the table.

 

Sure, it would be great - for YOU - if she were willing to just throw away her whole adult life and continue providing you with what you feel you're missing in your life. Wouldn't it be great if she'd just continue sacrificing HER happiness and HER needs in order to satisfy yours? You're getting a life and half, what with having the wife and kids and family life and house with the picket fence and a girlfriend to cater to you on the side.

 

So what's your OW getting? Lame texts and emails full of proclamations of love while your wife's in the kitchen making your dinner or bathing your kids? The thrill of your phone calls while you're driving home from work which always come to an abrupt end when you pull into your driveway? Oh, the excitement! A couple of stolen hours here and there and then she gets to watch you wash off her scent or check in the mirror for makeups smudges or marks she may have left on you before you go home to your REAL life? Happy, happy, joy, joy!!

 

Oh, the sheer delight for her getting that whopping 14% of your secret life that she gets to share with you when you're not living your real life! Gosh, I envy her. I truly do.

 

You don't know what to do?

 

How about for starters, stop being a selfish jack-hole who thinks your wife and your OW were put on this earth to cater to YOU?

 

My fondest wish is that your wife finds out and makes your decision FOR you. Won't it be great no longer being town in two like this?

 

Good luck!

[Lois_Griffin]

I read your other posts and I have a hard time understanding why you are in a relationship with this woman? She tries to control you by threatening to tell your wife if you do anything that she doesn't like. You need to tell your wife yourself before she does and get her out of your life, she is toxic. You are the one who needs to end the A and go completely NC immediately.

LOL. Hopefully, the OW will do JUST that.

 

Got my popcorn ready just in case....

[Dela]

Oh my.

 

Look, the sad truth here is that you're asking someone to give up her damned life to be your dirty little secret. You can protest all you want, but it's true. Peel away all the silly little fantasy talk about being 'soul mates' and the 'star-crossed love' nonsense and the reality is that in the end, you bring NOTHING to the table.

 

Sure, it would be great - for YOU - if she were willing to just throw away her whole adult life and continue providing you with what you feel you're missing in your life. Wouldn't it be great if she'd just continue sacrificing HER happiness and HER needs in order to satisfy yours? You're getting a life and half, what with having the wife and kids and family life and house with the picket fence and a girlfriend to cater to you on the side.

 

So what's your OW getting? Lame texts and emails full of proclamations of love while your wife's in the kitchen making your dinner or bathing your kids? The thrill of your phone calls while you're driving home from work which always come to an abrupt end when you pull into your driveway? Oh, the excitement! A couple of stolen hours here and there and then she gets to watch you wash off her scent or check in the mirror for makeups smudges or marks she may have left on you before you go home to your REAL life? Happy, happy, joy, joy!!

 

Oh, the sheer delight for her getting that whopping 14% of your secret life that she gets to share with you when you're not living your real life! Gosh, I envy her. I truly do.

 

You don't know what to do?

 

How about for starters, stop being a selfish jack-hole who thinks your wife and your OW were put on this earth to cater to YOU?

 

My fondest wish is that your wife finds out and makes your decision FOR you. Won't it be great no longer being town in two like this?

 

Good luck!

 

 

good one, Lois.

 

U posted in june on one of my threads(the first one here) and honestly what u told me there put a lot of weight on the balace and i ended my A with the MM. thanks so much, u make a good point. God bless thanks again

[Lois_Griffin]

good one, Lois.

 

U posted in june on one of my threads(the first one here) and honestly what u told me there put a lot of weight on the balace and i ended my A with the MM. thanks so much, u make a good point. God bless thanks again

Thank you so much, Dela! You're worth SO much more than being someone else's secret. Good for you!

[RainDown]

3 days ago my AP ended the A after months if not years of trying to end it. Then last night barraged me with texts and phone calls and i feel like im back to ground zero and day one. AP is telling me that my emotions of being upset and sad are untrue and a show. I have been upset...very. AP cant understand why i wont leave my family if im this upset. AP says that if im this upset it should show that i cant be without her. (Background LTA, AP knew i was M and I never told AP i would leave) AP has me running around in circles, I do not know what to do!

 

Is OW still threatening you or did she chill out with that, at least? Did you ever tell your wife as many people advised you to do?

 

It's a month later and it looks like nothing has changed at all. You're continuing to allow OW to hold you hostage and no one here can help you until you decide to help yourself.

 

There's really nothing else to say.

[HopelessMM]

Is OW still threatening you or did she chill out with that, at least? Did you ever tell your wife as many people advised you to do?

 

It's a month later and it looks like nothing has changed at all. You're continuing to allow OW to hold you hostage and no one here can help you until you decide to help yourself.

 

There's really nothing else to say.

 

She only threatens when she gets frustrated or mad. SHe will get frustrated and send me what she thinks she will say to my W. I think its just to screw with me and have some weird sense of torture but i dont know. No i didnt tell my W. I appreciate your candor and everytime i say im going to do this or that i find a way not to avoid it.

[truncated]

She's emotionally blackmailing you.

 

"do what I want or I will tell on you and hurt you and your wife, kids, etc."

 

Nice.

 

Says a lot about her.

[beach]

When you stop responding to her drama - she will only be responding to herself.

 

Have you considered blocking her? Not responding? Removing her entirely from your life?

 

 

She can have an argument with herself if you just stop reacting to her. Rule number one of engagement is: do not engage...

[HopelessMM]

When you stop responding to her drama - she will only be responding to herself.

 

Have you considered blocking her? Not responding? Removing her entirely from your life?

 

 

She can have an argument with herself if you just stop reacting to her. Rule number one of engagement is: do not engage...

 

I'm going to block her. I do not engage when she rants i tell her ok, thats your choice and you can do what you choose.

[HopelessMM]

Is OW still threatening you or did she chill out with that, at least? Did you ever tell your wife as many people advised you to do?

 

It's a month later and it looks like nothing has changed at all. You're continuing to allow OW to hold you hostage and no one here can help you until you decide to help yourself.

 

There's really nothing else to say.

 

Oh and btw AP has been doing this for years.

[beach]

Oh and btw AP has been doing this for years.

 

Because it's her way of getting attention from you. Stop feeding the dragon.

[the_artist_1970]

Oh and btw AP has been doing this for years.

 

And you have been engaging with and sleeping with her and your W for years, playing both women. Heck, if she wasn't crazy before this your push and pull has made her crazy. You don't deserve your W. I hope your W finds out and kicks you out to be with your psycho AP and the two of you live a drama filled crazy life.

[RainDown]

Oh and btw AP has been doing this for years.

 

I see. So this behavior of hers is basically an accepted part of your relationship and has been for years, but you are now trying to change the rules? And she won't comply?

 

That's a tough one, given that she is the one with the leverage.

 

If you do decide to block her and disengage completely, be prepared for her to follow through and contact your wife in about two weeks or so, when it sinks in that you are actually serious this time. I don't think she's the type to go away quietly after being dismissed.

[GoBlue]

So, what kind of help do you really want? You have been having an affair for months/years, she has always acted like this and she is still acting like this. What are you honestly looking for? You're a married man, she doesn't get what she wants from you, she threatens you, you hook-up with her again and again and again. Did you really think that this was a real break-up? You are involved in this relationship because you want to be, plain and simple. If you don't want to be involved in this relationship then take the appropriate steps and end it. After you do that, maybe consider sitting down with your wife and coming clean.

[HopelessMM]

So, what kind of help do you really want? You have been having an affair for months/years, she has always acted like this and she is still acting like this. What are you honestly looking for? You're a married man, she doesn't get what she wants from you, she threatens you, you hook-up with her again and again and again. Did you really think that this was a real break-up? You are involved in this relationship because you want to be, plain and simple. If you don't want to be involved in this relationship then take the appropriate steps and end it. After you do that, maybe consider sitting down with your wife and coming clean.

 

Thats the weirdest part of all of it. we do NOT hook up again and again and again its been over a year.

[beach]

Thats the weirdest part of all of it. we do NOT hook up again and again and again its been over a year.

 

No, it hasn't - because you've stayed communicating with her.

 

If it was over a year ago you would have evidence that it ended... As in - one year of absolutely no contact.

 

Staying in contact means it's still on going. That's why she keeps in touch with you. That way you are forced to think about her on some level...

 

Good reasons to block her from every way of contacting you. Then you can really say when it ended.

[Furious]

Oh my.

 

Look, the sad truth here is that you're asking someone to give up her damned life to be your dirty little secret. You can protest all you want, but it's true. Peel away all the silly little fantasy talk about being 'soul mates' and the 'star-crossed love' nonsense and the reality is that in the end, you bring NOTHING to the table.

 

Sure, it would be great - for YOU - if she were willing to just throw away her whole adult life and continue providing you with what you feel you're missing in your life. Wouldn't it be great if she'd just continue sacrificing HER happiness and HER needs in order to satisfy yours? You're getting a life and half, what with having the wife and kids and family life and house with the picket fence and a girlfriend to cater to you on the side.

 

So what's your OW getting? Lame texts and emails full of proclamations of love while your wife's in the kitchen making your dinner or bathing your kids? The thrill of your phone calls while you're driving home from work which always come to an abrupt end when you pull into your driveway? Oh, the excitement! A couple of stolen hours here and there and then she gets to watch you wash off her scent or check in the mirror for makeups smudges or marks she may have left on you before you go home to your REAL life? Happy, happy, joy, joy!!

 

Oh, the sheer delight for her getting that whopping 14% of your secret life that she gets to share with you when you're not living your real life! Gosh, I envy her. I truly do.

 

You don't know what to do?

 

How about for starters, stop being a selfish jack-hole who thinks your wife and your OW were put on this earth to cater to YOU?

 

My fondest wish is that your wife finds out and makes your decision FOR you. Won't it be great no longer being town in two like this?

 

Good luck!

 

 

Right on sister!!!

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is common in affairs for one party to want more than the other is willing to give.

 

Has your position of staying married changed?

 

Do you want to be with someone who engages in emotional blackmail/threats?

 

 

If you want it to end, you also have to decide if you want to take the risk of the OW telling your wife. Knowing that the OW is coming from a place of intent to "hurt" your wife...not from a place of being there to catch her (your wife) when she falls to the floor. The choice is yours.

 

You have painted yourself into a corner. There is no way out...without being the "bad" guy...to both women. You are now faced with what taking ownership means. They are not just words you say in your head. It means action. It means self-incrimination. It means bearing witness to the hurt/destruction you have caused. It means being vulnerable...exposing your weaknesses and how those weaknesses hurt others.

 

All these months have been leading up to this....you either open your eyes,face the reality you have created and start making different choices....or stay tethered to it.