JGeorge Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 My husband and I have been married for 21 years. I found out he was cheating on me as he left his ipad in the bedroom and it kept going off. So I opened it to turn it off and found nude photos in messenger, it was wide open on the screen! This was a long distant relationship but he had plans to move there. They sent each other a lot of nude pics and videos. My husband was working out of town during the week so he had plenty of time to correspond with her. I worked on the weekends so we didn't see much of each other for 3 months. He said this was why is cheated. After I caught him he came clean and told me everything, so I thought. We were trying to work on things but a month later I found out he had purchased a burn phone he had failed to tell me about. I am devastated and angry, I found out about this 8 months ago. I really don't think I can stay in this marriage. Now he thinks I am cheating and questions everything I do. I want to go out and enjoy life but he doesn't, he is not very social. Our kids are in their early 20's but still live with us. He is retired military so I was a SAHM for many years. I don't have a long employment record but trying to find something that will support me. Not sure what I am looking for here, maybe just to write it out will make me feel a bit better. Advice is welcomed... Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I hate with a passion that I know all of what I'm about to tell you. I was a total rookie a year ago at all this. Now I feel like I know as much as anyone here. I'm not going to tell you what to do but for me a hard line in the sand was no contact after dday. You cannot take an easy line when dealing with a cheater as they do not think the same as normal people. A marriage is over if one spouse is still in an affair. Especailly a long term affair. Here are some things to consider: Did you disclose the affair to the OW husband? Do your adult children know? Do you have complete transparency of phones/financial records? Does extended family know? Done any IC or MC? When a WS refuses to end an affair you have to take drastic measures to expose it if you want the marriage to survive. Otherwise you are just an accomplice in his deeds. Good luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JGeorge Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Did you disclose the affair to the OW husband? Actually he messaged me a month before and said something was up. I didn't believe him because my husband said she was a distant cousin. I'm such a fool. When I found the evidence I sent him everything, pics and all!! Do your adult children know? Yes, they aren't happy with their father, My boys and I are very close as it was us 3 most their childhood since my husband was gone with the military. Do you have complete transparency of phones/financial records? Yes, I have those records on a zip drive and he doesn't know where it is. Does extended family know? His family yes, because it happened in his home state. The the OW boyfriend threatened his family because he couldn't get to my husband. So he let them know and they too are not happy with him. I have a great relationship with his family. My family is crazy so I am avoiding that for now. Done any IC or MC? No, I probably should but I grew up in counseling due to my parents horrible divorce and I was forced to go. So I look at counseling as a bad thing.. It never helped me. He is totally against counseling as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MarkusM Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 What's the meaning of the affair? Can he accept an appropriate responsibility for it? Can he end it... say goodbye to the lover? Is he willing to earn back trust? Can you communicate what you need to trust again? I believe this is what it takes to try to save the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm a rookie. The heartbreak & insanity is fresh for me. My husband started questioning my evolvement with support groups. He half joked "You're not going to run-off with one of those guys are you?". He didn't want to know my passwords (I have a history of forgetting so I always told him) he added passwords to my devices that didn't have them. He didn't want to hear anything about the people I work with online. Now I know he had started an EA with his past affair. I take it all as a projection of his guilt. I've never cheated of given him reason to doubt me. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I've been with my husband for 25 years & believed we were more than 'soul mates' or any of that stuff. I thought we were FAMILY. Permanent, unconditional love. I feel like I have to grow-up fast. I've lost all faith in love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Some people aren't good for us - people like your husband. The fact that you're already looking for a job which supports you means you're already in the process of checking out, and once a woman checks out, there's no going back. Do what is best for you - once you have a secured job get an attorney, file for divorce and live your life the way YOU want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JGeorge Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I really needed him before and during this issue. I was being sexually harassed at work and he could of come with me when he was home to help stop the problem. He could of sat in the bar and the men would not have harassed me like they did. They were my supervisors. I no longer work there and have a complaint with the state as we speak. I had to ask friends to come in and sit with me because my husband wouldn't. He was home on the phone with the OW!!! It is much harder to get over this then I thought, I have good days and bad days. It just seem the bad are starting to outweigh the good. He is very controlling, if I try and do something with friends he says that I must be leaving him! I am tired of being accused of doing things that are not true. Just because he cheated doesn't mean I am. I thank you all for your input and I will continue to come to this site, it seems to help and I have only been here 1 day! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 He's acting out like this because he wants to stay in control of everything like he was in the affair. This isn't love, it's just a sociopath doing his thing. Those friends who helped you against your harassing supervisors care more about you than he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I've been with my husband for 25 years. Married for 19. It's so unbelievably hard isn't it? I thought tht we were FAMILY, beyond 'just' married. I've made so many excuses, this isn't him! It's a midlife crisis, a mental health issue etc but I've lost so much of myself. By making excuses I've blamed myself. He's put so much of it onto me but it didn't really make sense. I even came close to doubting my own sanity. His perception of me, his accusations, the blame...it felt like he was talking about someone else. I think the guilt & the things they tell themselves to excuse their behavior can be crazy. I know it's so hard but don't let this damage your self image & confidence. This isn't about you or anything you've done. It's him!! It's taken me a while to get that... Link to post Share on other sites
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