Taking a trip w/o formerly WS

[TrustedthenBusted]

Interested to hear from those of you who still travel for work or play post D-Day.

 

Generally speaking, we travel together, with the occasional Boys weekends, or Girls weekends thrown in there. Those are never an issue, because we're always with groups of friends etc. There was a week she worked in London by herself, and a month I worked in Australia by myself. Both trips came and went without issue. ( well, she constantly complained to me how hard all it is with me gone, but that is for another forum. )

 

Anyone whose followed my story knows how I feel about trust these days. It's just not a factor for me. Do I trust? no. Do I distrust, if that's a word...no. I just do neither, and I live my life.

 

But now I'm taking my young sons on a road trip. 2.5 weeks of driving, camping, fishing, sightseeing blah blah blah. It is going to be awesome. And for some reason, I just kind of feel like this trip is different. And I think I know why.

 

There was a point at which the kids said they didn't want to go. When that happened, my wife said, rather quickly, " Well you should go anyway, you need the time off."

 

Boom. There it is. Trigger central. She is NOT the type to volunteer to take the boys on herself for two weeks. Especially in the summer where they are gonna be up her ass all day long.

 

And the last time she said " yeah, you should go out of town for fun" was during her affair.

 

Now, I'm not going all Code Red or anything, and I don't think there are any shenanigans going on, although if there are, whatever. Eventually I'll find out about them and act accordingly.

 

But what I'm curious to learn is how some of you deal with this feeling. I sort of feel like telling her that when she suggested that I go alone, I felt a trigger and didn't like it. But at the same time, she was probably being genuine and nice and accommodating, and I don't want to piss all over that by reminding her of one of the worst and most disrespectful things she's ever done.

 

We told eachother we'd always bring this stuff up when we felt the need, but I don't think either of us is doing that 100% consistently. So hmmm....

 

 

Anyone in this canoe?

[lolablue17]

After the seed was planted in your mind, it will be very difficult for you to just drop it.

 

You can pretend that you're "going for few days of fun" as your wife suggested, But just hide yourself near by, or pay someone to do it, to see what's going on.

[TrustedthenBusted]

After the seed was planted in your mind, it will be very difficult for you to just drop it.

 

You can pretend that you're "going for few days of fun" as your wife suggested, But just hide yourself near by, or pay someone to do it, to see what's going on.

 

 

Oh man...thanks for the feedback, but this suggestion is like Code Red, Defcon 1, Black Ops Special Forces Ninja level sneaky. Nope. Not for me. No VARs, No keystroke loggers, no PIs, no hiding down the street... none of that stuff.

 

That is no way to live, and if I felt like I needed that stuff now ( 6 years later), I'd just move on, if only for my own sanity.

 

No, it's not like I'm worried about what she'll do when I'm gone. She's an adult and will either do the right thing, or the wrong thing. And sorry if I wasn't clear, but the kids are coming on the trip.

 

What I'm struggling with is whether or not to say anything about how I feel/felt. I don't want to sweep a trigger under the rug, but I also don't want to raise some trust issue where there really isn't one.

 

Do I just go with the odds? Because odds are she was just being accommodating and helpful, knowing that I very seldom take this much time off, and was looking forward to it.

 

 

To those of you newly in R...this is the kind of fun you get to look forward to 5 years form now.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Any reasonable person would go code red based on a comment like that after being cheated on. Trust but verify.

 

If your gut tells you something is amiss then you should check it out because I've learned your gut is almost always right. Or flat out ask her.

[Clay]

You stayed with her. You know who she is now. If she is going to cheat again she will do it if your there or if your not there. Your going to have to let some of your fears go. You could put some things in place just to make yourself feel a little better like a var in the house and a gps on her car. I personally think your just going to have to deal with the trigger and hope it all works out.

 

This is why I do not support staying with a cheater. Your life is greatly diminished as a result and you end rethinking a lot things.

 

 

I think another thing is try talking to her about how your feeling maybe she can offer something to help you feel more secure in your relationship with her.

 

 

C

[MarkusM]

 

 

I think another thing is try talking to her about how your feeling maybe she can offer something to help you feel more secure in your relationship with her.

 

 

C

This is how I cope with my fears and suspicions -

The trust my wife has to reestablish is only as good as the communication.

When I sense a red flag or just plain paranoia, I get face to face and I tell her, "I'm troubled in my heart, because..." then I explain as needed so I get her to see it from the victims' point of view.

In other words, I deserve to have my fears/concerns laid to rest until the greatest levels of trust are adequate.

[Clay]

I am not a fan of reconciling but that is not to say that some people have not been successful at it. I believe that for those people that are doing it communication has to be the key.

 

I do think on the other side of this if the SO is acting shady in any way the trust but verify is the only way to go.

 

I personally am just thankful I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore. I feel bad for you people that do.

 

C

[autumnnight]

I'd tell her up front that it triggered out and why. These are the kinds of things she needs to be sensitive to. And if your boys don't want to go, and you are iffy about going, I wouldn't go.

 

Why can't she go with you? I really think 2.5 weeks is an awful lot of time to be away from a FWS. Maybe that sounds harsh, but will you even be able to enjoy it?

[Clay]

Maybe that sounds harsh, but will you even be able to enjoy it?

 

I think you are right on the money here. I doubt seriously he would be able to enjoy it.

 

C

[RightThere]

Now, I'm not going all Code Red or anything, and I don't think there are any shenanigans going on, although if there are, whatever. Eventually I'll find out about them and act accordingly.

 

But what I'm curious to learn is how some of you deal with this feeling. I sort of feel like telling her that when she suggested that I go alone, I felt a trigger and didn't like it. But at the same time, she was probably being genuine and nice and accommodating, and I don't want to piss all over that by reminding her of one of the worst and most disrespectful things she's ever done.

 

We told eachother we'd always bring this stuff up when we felt the need, but I don't think either of us is doing that 100% consistently. So hmmm....

 

 

Anyone in this canoe?

 

I can tell you during the time I was in real reconciliation, I did communicate very openly and honestly with my STBXW (still wife at the time) about those exact things.

 

I was always worries that it would be steps backwards, but I really tried to approach it such that:

 

"Hey, I want to get this off my chest. Once I've said it, I'll be good and won't make an issue about it anymore."

 

If I got a good response from my wife where she listened, and acknowledged with just a "I totally get it," it was a non issue and died right there. Anything I hung on to didn't eat me up, but lingered a bit longer than it should.

 

My advice, don't approach is as accusation, but just "this reminded me of that." It's par for the course of reconciliation.

[Morro72]

Take her with or hire a PI. Yes, I know you don't want to hire a PI. Hire one anyway.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'd tell her up front that it triggered out and why. These are the kinds of things she needs to be sensitive to. And if your boys don't want to go, and you are iffy about going, I wouldn't go.

 

Why can't she go with you? I really think 2.5 weeks is an awful lot of time to be away from a FWS. Maybe that sounds harsh, but will you even be able to enjoy it?

 

First thanks to Clay and Markus for their insight. To be clear, I'm not at all concerned that she is cheating, or planning on cheating. I have zero reservations about going away, and no fear that anything out of line will happen when I do. None. That's not what this is about, but I thank you just the same.

 

Autumnnight,

 

Thanks as well. I'm not iffy about going, and now that the boys understand that the trip is really for them, and not so much for me, they are excited about going. Lots of fun boy stuff planned, so they are now very pumped about the trip.

 

2.5 weeks is a long time for sure. But for the type of trip I have planned, any shorter would be too short. That's just how I roll. ( when time permits )

 

Why can't she go? Way too busy with work these days. We're both executives at Tech companies, and seldom have periods where we are both not extraordinarily busy. She MAY fly up north for some business, and meet up with us for a few days.

 

 

In the end, I think RightThere ( as usual ) sees through my convoluted writing style to the heart of the matter. It was a simple trigger, that I could either cop to, or process solo.

 

I think I'll cop to it. ya never know...maybe as soon as the words came out of her mouth, she had the same reaction.

 

 

But I was curious as to how travel is dealt with by others in R.

[merrmeade]

Interested to hear from those of you who still travel for work or play post D-Day.

 

Generally speaking, we travel together, with the occasional Boys weekends, or Girls weekends thrown in there. Those are never an issue, because we're always with groups of friends etc. There was a week she worked in London by herself, and a month I worked in Australia by myself. Both trips came and went without issue. ( well, she constantly complained to me how hard all it is with me gone, but that is for another forum. )

 

Anyone whose followed my story knows how I feel about trust these days. It's just not a factor for me. Do I trust? no. Do I distrust, if that's a word...no. I just do neither, and I live my life.

 

But now I'm taking my young sons on a road trip. 2.5 weeks of driving, camping, fishing, sightseeing blah blah blah. It is going to be awesome. And for some reason, I just kind of feel like this trip is different. And I think I know why.

 

There was a point at which the kids said they didn't want to go. When that happened, my wife said, rather quickly, " Well you should go anyway, you need the time off."

 

Boom. There it is. Trigger central. She is NOT the type to volunteer to take the boys on herself for two weeks. Especially in the summer where they are gonna be up her ass all day long.

 

And the last time she said " yeah, you should go out of town for fun" was during her affair.

 

Now, I'm not going all Code Red or anything, and I don't think there are any shenanigans going on, although if there are, whatever. Eventually I'll find out about them and act accordingly.

 

But what I'm curious to learn is how some of you deal with this feeling. I sort of feel like telling her that when she suggested that I go alone, I felt a trigger and didn't like it. But at the same time, she was probably being genuine and nice and accommodating, and I don't want to piss all over that by reminding her of one of the worst and most disrespectful things she's ever done.

 

We told eachother we'd always bring this stuff up when we felt the need, but I don't think either of us is doing that 100% consistently. So hmmm....

 

 

Anyone in this canoe?

I'll catch up later but initial reaction to your BOOM is also BOOM: You have to tell her this:

There was a point at which the kids said they didn't want to go. When that happened, my wife said, rather quickly, " Well you should go anyway, you need the time off."

 

Boom. There it is. Trigger central. She is NOT the type to volunteer to take the boys on herself for two weeks. Especially in the summer where they are gonna be up her ass all day long.

 

And the last time she said " yeah, you should go out of town for fun" was during her affair.

[drifter777]

But I was curious as to how travel is dealt with by others in R.

 

Her traveling alone is a huge trigger for me because that's when it all started. I always trigger and I tell her about it. I remind her that I will never fully trust her again and that if I find out she cheated I will divorce her. I don't feel that any of my behavior is unjustified. She seems to understand and tries to reassure me, but it doesn't help the way I feel. I'm uneasy and full of bad memories until she returns.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was always worries that it would be steps backwards, but I really tried to approach it such that.

 

I think it's important to recognize that's what real progress looks like. It's not a straight line, there's several steps forward and then a step back. The key is appreciating the forward progress and addressing any setbacks.

 

Discuss, discuss, discuss...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RightThere]

The key is appreciating the forward progress and addressing any setbacks.

 

I found that addressing it right away in a calm and open manner made it almost not even seem like a step backwards. More of a stutter step, then right back into full stride.

[road]

Married people should not go on separate vacations.

[RightThere]

Married people should not go on separate vacations.

 

Well as long as you`ve got an open mind about it.........

[m.snow]

Boom. There it is. Trigger central. She is NOT the type to volunteer to take the boys on herself for two weeks. Especially in the SUMMER where they are gonna be up her ass all day long.

 

?

 

if there is something AM that cheating website is good for its statistics.

 

statistic's show SUMMER is when the "Waywards" go wild. people are in heat.

 

Summer and long holidays! you must be with your spouses during these days.

 

Married people should not go on separate vacations.

Truth here, Amen!

[TrustedthenBusted]

Married people should not go on separate vacations.

 

I wholeheartedly and respectfully disagree with this. While I think it's completely true that married people shouldn't be acting single in any situation, I think it's perfectly healthy for people to maintain their interests, even when those interests don't have them in the same place as their spouses.

 

When the girls want to all go to a spa weekend together, or me and the boys want to float around in the Pacific slaying fish for three or four days, we should do it. I always come home refreshed and happy.

 

Now this particular trip is coming at a bad time for her. She's super busy, and I'm finally not busy. If I didn't go, not only would the kids miss out on what promises to be an amazing trip, but I'd be missing out on an opportunity to spend some much needed Father-Son time with them. She's not into camping and road tripping anyway, so why force it?

 

Her trip to London was for work, but as she had never been, I encouraged her to tack on a couple days for sightseeing, and even connected her with one of my direct reports ( female ) who lives there who took her around a bit.

 

When I was in Australia, I only worked four days a week, and spent the other 3 documenting the backcountry and wildlife for my kids who are totally into animals.

 

We take trips together and do things together as often as we can, but I don't see why we should miss out on any good opportunities just because our schedules clash.

 

And I can tell you I'm not missing out on something today, just because she made a stupid choice 6 years ago.

[Morro72]

Married people should not go on separate vacations.

My wife and I do, from time to time. Mostly short trips, but a trip is a trip. In the absence of other problems, I can't really see why not. However, we're not in R or anything like it.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Morro72

[TrustedthenBusted]

One of the readings from our wedding vows ( yah yah...I know ) was from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet.

 

I think he does a good job of setting the right tone for marriage, and the understanding that it doesn't mean you need to be chained together physically in order to maintain a bond.

 

 

 

On Marriage

Kahlil Gibran

 

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

 

 

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

 

 

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

[m.snow]

1 week vacation just with the kids.

 

do you also spend 1 week summer romantic vacation with just the wife & no kids?

 

there must be a balance in between.

 

showing love for children does not mean showing love for your wife!

[TrustedthenBusted]

do you also spend 1 week summer romantic vacation with just the wife & no kids?

 

 

 

Yep. Mediterranean cruise last year. Paradise Point the year before. And we do a lot of weekend trips away, now that the kids are old enough to stay home with my mom.

 

We haven't taken a 2.5 week trip alone, but I think that's too long to be away from the kids.

 

Next year they kids are going to sleep away camp for the summer, so we will have months alone together.

 

 

Good call though.

[Mr. Lucky]

statistic's show SUMMER is when the "Waywards" go wild. people are in heat.

 

Sounds like one of the softcore video series they used to peddle on late-night TV - Wandering Spouses Gone Wild!!!

 

And I can tell you I'm not missing out on something today, just because she made a stupid choice 6 years ago.

 

Makes sense...

 

Mr. Lucky