No sex drive and husband's anxiety

[SammySammy]

A husband and a son with OCD issues. I feel for you. I know life has to be very challenging for you now.

 

I don't take medications for my OCD because of the side effects. Even Xanax has side effects including reduced sex drive for me.

 

However, I'm quite aware that living with me is very difficult for most women. That's why I've decided to be single for the past eight years.

 

What's normal and "right" to me has caused problems in every romantic relationship I've had. All of those words you use to describe what you feel - exhausting, struggle, difficult, anger, resentment, frustration - I've heard them all before. Felt them and seen them on the faces of the women I loved. And women who loved me ... to be perfectly fair.

 

This is what I know - the likelihood of him stopping what he's doing is basically nil. Even if he tries to change in order to "fix" the situation, he's going to feel out of sync. Eventually, he's going to go back to what feels normal for him. That's the nature of the disorder.

 

In my opinion, a successful relationship is going to require a lot of compassion. Like loving a husband that comes home from war with PTSD. Or a husband who was in an accident and is now a quadriplegic. Your husband's disability is in his mind, but it's no less real.

 

I'm not suggesting all of the responsibility is on you. Your husband must also work very hard on repairing and rebuilding the connection between the two of you. I'm saying let's not try to make a quadriplegic walk. Does that make sense?

 

Is it possible to recognize his condition, but remove the anger and bitterness about it in order to reconnect as a couple? Both of you working together to have the best relationship possible DESPITE the medical issues.

[justme67]

A husband and a son with OCD issues. I feel for you. I know life has to be very challenging for you now.

 

I don't take medications for my OCD because of the side effects. Even Xanax has side effects including reduced sex drive for me.

 

However, I'm quite aware that living with me is very difficult for most women. That's why I've decided to be single for the past eight years.

 

What's normal and "right" to me has caused problems in every romantic relationship I've had. All of those words you use to describe what you feel - exhausting, struggle, difficult, anger, resentment, frustration - I've heard them all before. Felt them and seen them on the faces of the women I loved. And women who loved me ... to be perfectly fair.

 

This is what I know - the likelihood of him stopping what he's doing is basically nil. Even if he tries to change in order to "fix" the situation, he's going to feel out of sync. Eventually, he's going to go back to what feels normal for him. That's the nature of the disorder.

 

In my opinion, a successful relationship is going to require a lot of compassion. Like loving a husband that comes home from war with PTSD. Or a husband who was in an accident and is now a quadriplegic. Your husband's disability is in his mind, but it's no less real.

 

I'm not suggesting all of the responsibility is on you. Your husband must also work very hard on repairing and rebuilding the connection between the two of you. I'm saying let's not try to make a quadriplegic walk. Does that make sense?

 

Is it possible to recognize his condition, but remove the anger and bitterness about it in order to reconnect as a couple? Both of you working together to have the best relationship possible DESPITE the medical issues.

 

It does make sense, perfectly, yes. One thing in this process of letting him be responsible for his treatment and choices is my learning to be ok with however he is. I am learning. It may just be that I can not stay married to him if he chooses to remain the same. But again, that is his choice and I do fully accept that he has that right. There is no bitterness or anger attached to that going forward. Truly.

 

I don't actually expect him to totally change. Not in the least. To remain in this marriage, I do expect him to seek treatment, accept his part and work his best to improve his part. But again, that is the boundary I have set up. If he does not, I truly will not be angry and bitter at him. But I also can't live that way any longer. I know he will alway have tendencies. I don't expect him to be a different person. But what I can deal with his him accepting responsibility and not reaching out to me to be a security blanket, to be an emotional crutch. He can be anxious and a worrier, but it can be handled a lot better than it has. I also can not live with the hours, weeks, months of health anxieties, them getting better and waiting for the next time...I can't do that. Time will tell. But if he gets no help and continues to blame me for his issues, continues to lash out and not accept his part, I can't do it.

 

I appreciate your side and input, thank you. I had compassion a long time ago. It wore thin. I can't fix the fact it is gone right now, nor can I change the past. I can only improve my part in this, work on myself. Changing my thought patterns, setting up boundaries, will certainly cause me to feel less resentment and anger in any situation in life. If he does his best, for the right reasons, to get help and heal himself, to learn to cope more, accept his issues as his own, it is very possible we can move forward more whole than we are, or ever were. It is possible. But if it will happen, I do not know. Really, that is up to him as I have committed to doing my part. I know at some point we will have to address sexual issues, but truly I feel we have to work on the patterns that got us here first. I will work on them when the time is right. Right now it is too inflammatory of a topic to deal with well.

[aloneinaz]

The other thing I will say though, is there are certainly days when I ask myself if I can do this. I won't lie. Today after his latest hissy fit and pouting over me saying no to oral sex last night, makes me want to flee, I admit it. These are thoughts. They are not what I want most, in the end. But there are days I imagine we all think this way when things are difficult. Doesn't mean I am giving up or anything. But there are days I get so tired of the struggle and the work, the tension and I wonder would it just be easier. Those thoughts do creep in, I can't lie. Time will give me the answer to that, but there are days one wonders...The old pattern of him feeling wounded and like the victim are so very exhausting.

 

 

You've done a very good job of outlining the issues in detail on both sides. I have to say, that I heavily side with you and your view points. You've been asking him for YEARS to seek some help for his anxiety issues and he's ignored the requests, while making your life more difficult. The resentment has to be building and I wonder if your bucket is full.

 

 

Have you done a full assessment of your marriage? Do you believe that it's truly salvageable? Reality says therapy will only work so much. At some point, all the damage, resentment and anger is simply insurmountable. The fact that its built to the level that you don't want to have sex with him is telling. This is now causing anger and resentment on his side. You're kind of in a catch 22 situation.

 

 

I was in a bad marriage for too many years. It was having a negative impact on our kids as they tired of our fighting and bickering with each other. It simply wasn't a healthy relationship and had become toxic. I should of ended it years before I finally did. I tell you what, I'd of rather lived in an old, broken down van, down by the river than spend another day with her. I'm near your age now. Live is too short to wake up un-happy, day after day.

 

 

Have you asked yourself this question. If he got some good treatment or went on meds that calmed his anxiety down, would you then be happy and attracted to him again? I'm guessing no. You should consider separating or even going through a divorce. You're not getting any younger. You have to think there's a guy out there w/out all his neediness and could provide everything you really want/need out of a partnership.

[justme67]

You've done a very good job of outlining the issues in detail on both sides. I have to say, that I heavily side with you and your view points. You've been asking him for YEARS to seek some help for his anxiety issues and he's ignored the requests, while making your life more difficult. The resentment has to be building and I wonder if your bucket is full.

 

 

Have you done a full assessment of your marriage? Do you believe that it's truly salvageable? Reality says therapy will only work so much. At some point, all the damage, resentment and anger is simply insurmountable. The fact that its built to the level that you don't want to have sex with him is telling. This is now causing anger and resentment on his side. You're kind of in a catch 22 situation.

 

 

I was in a bad marriage for too many years. It was having a negative impact on our kids as they tired of our fighting and bickering with each other. It simply wasn't a healthy relationship and had become toxic. I should of ended it years before I finally did. I tell you what, I'd of rather lived in an old, broken down van, down by the river than spend another day with her. I'm near your age now. Live is too short to wake up un-happy, day after day.

 

 

Have you asked yourself this question. If he got some good treatment or went on meds that calmed his anxiety down, would you then be happy and attracted to him again? I'm guessing no. You should consider separating or even going through a divorce. You're not getting any younger. You have to think there's a guy out there w/out all his neediness and could provide everything you really want/need out of a partnership.

 

So many things you said almost made me tear up. I am not sure if things are too far gone. And I am sure my resentment bucket is full. But I am not sure if things are fixable or not. I have felt more affection and attracted to him in the past when things feel more even, more fair. Like he actually is in a decent place. It was maybe a couple of years or so ago now that he went on a diet and lost some weight, exercised. I really felt my desire and attraction coming back. Not this isn't physical. Maybe some sure, I am human. But HE was different. He felt more secure, happier with himself, less anxious...that was the big thing. I keep thinking back to that and how much better it was. I tell him that often how he seemed like the person I married, himself again. But it falls on deaf ears. He, of course, fell back into old patterns and habits, it didn't last.

 

So I also recall that and for a long time, I did feel I would be happy and attracted to him again if he took responsibility for his issues and learned to cope better, deal with things in a healthy way. Over the past year I am not as sure. I am not ready to say I want out. I am not ready to do that. I have to prepare a bit. Some may say that means I am using him while I get ready? No. I have a son to take care of, a house to pay for (plan A would be to stay here, plan b would be different), I have severe asthma to treat so insurance is necessary, etc. I have a lot to think about and would just need to be sure I can be a responsible parent and adequately support us. I guess I feel that me getting counseling and working on boundaries and my own STUFF so to speak, will be helpful to me anyway, whether we stay or go. I don't think I know for sure yet if things are salvageable. I do think it will become clear through therapy for us and for myself, though. And his ability to stick to his, as well.

 

But there are times he has expressed he worries if my bucket is full, and I also do worry if it is. I guess not totally if I feel he makes the effort, you know? If he is working at it, I feel a lot more willing and less stressed to work on things.

 

But your right on so many levels. I am young enough, I live once. I don't have a goal of finding someone to live life with anymore. Frankly if this doesn't work, I only want to deal with myself and my son for a long while. Maybe later, who knows. But it would be a long while before I was ready to take on having to learn about, relate to, anyone else on a romantic level. I have been burned here and I am not sure it will heal. I used to be such a happy person, positive. I have lost a lot of that, but I am fighting to get back there. It will take time. I was flirting with depression, honestly. The beginning of this year, I started taking myself back. I used to believe anything is possible. Then I stopped caring. I am starting to believe it again. Just that life is full of wonderful things and even though there are hard times (therapy or divorce) that things will be good again. I am trying to hold on to that.

 

 

Thank you again, everyone. This is SO helpful to me. Just to talk about, but to get different views. I don't expect everyone to agree with me and that is ok as long as it is respectful. I am not afraid of the work it will take, as long as we are both involved, that is all.

[aloneinaz]

So many things you said almost made me tear up. I am not sure if things are too far gone. And I am sure my resentment bucket is full. But I am not sure if things are fixable or not. I have felt more affection and attracted to him in the past when things feel more even, more fair. Like he actually is in a decent place. It was maybe a couple of years or so ago now that he went on a diet and lost some weight, exercised. I really felt my desire and attraction coming back. Not this isn't physical. Maybe some sure, I am human. But HE was different. He felt more secure, happier with himself, less anxious...that was the big thing. I keep thinking back to that and how much better it was. I tell him that often how he seemed like the person I married, himself again. But it falls on deaf ears. He, of course, fell back into old patterns and habits, it didn't last.

 

So I also recall that and for a long time, I did feel I would be happy and attracted to him again if he took responsibility for his issues and learned to cope better, deal with things in a healthy way. Over the past year I am not as sure. I am not ready to say I want out. I am not ready to do that. I have to prepare a bit. Some may say that means I am using him while I get ready? No. I have a son to take care of, a house to pay for (plan A would be to stay here, plan b would be different), I have severe asthma to treat so insurance is necessary, etc. I have a lot to think about and would just need to be sure I can be a responsible parent and adequately support us. I guess I feel that me getting counseling and working on boundaries and my own STUFF so to speak, will be helpful to me anyway, whether we stay or go. I don't think I know for sure yet if things are salvageable. I do think it will become clear through therapy for us and for myself, though. And his ability to stick to his, as well.

 

But there are times he has expressed he worries if my bucket is full, and I also do worry if it is. I guess not totally if I feel he makes the effort, you know? If he is working at it, I feel a lot more willing and less stressed to work on things.

 

But your right on so many levels. I am young enough, I live once. I don't have a goal of finding someone to live life with anymore. Frankly if this doesn't work, I only want to deal with myself and my son for a long while. Maybe later, who knows. But it would be a long while before I was ready to take on having to learn about, relate to, anyone else on a romantic level. I have been burned here and I am not sure it will heal. I used to be such a happy person, positive. I have lost a lot of that, but I am fighting to get back there. It will take time. I was flirting with depression, honestly. The beginning of this year, I started taking myself back. I used to believe anything is possible. Then I stopped caring. I am starting to believe it again. Just that life is full of wonderful things and even though there are hard times (therapy or divorce) that things will be good again. I am trying to hold on to that.

 

 

I wish you luck in whatever path you take. I know you're in a difficult situation and I was wondering how you were not dealing with depression or anxiety, living like this day in and day out. I hope the therapy is helping you cope with this on a day to day basis.

[OldRover]

Agreed. I am not giving up. ...........................

My heart is in the right place, yes. My motivation is also for the right reasons. At this point to first become more emotionally healthy for myself, and then to impact my marriage in a positive way. I am working through exercises and different angles to work on my issues. Some work for me, some don't. Live and learn what works. If he doesn't want to get help, I fully accept that. The transitions life would take for us all would suck, but many, many, many people go through it and come out ok in the end. I can't control him, only myself. I really hope he wants to and does the work that is necessary for him. I do, believe me. I haven't given up, I am preparing myself physically and emotionally in case he doesn't. I have drawn a line yes, but we all have to decide what we can and can not deal with in a relationship. Feeling like the mother to an adult child is not something I can deal with for the rest of my life. Period. Doesn't mean I have given up or that I don't love him. Means I love myself enough to take care of myself and to work on myself to the full extent I can, which would help the marriage too. Healthier though patterns for all of us are only a good thing.

 

We are back the only cycle today because he asked for oral and I was exhausted last night. I said no. So he pouted. Asked if I was mad. barely talking to me this morning. Yeah, fun times. I am being "punished." Except now I am learning tell myself his mood is his issue, not mine. I can't control it. But I can control my reaction and thought process. we used to tiptoe around for days until he got over his "wounded" mood. Sorry, but that isn't a turn on. It is passive aggressive. I am pulling the plug and not playing anymore. We have to start developing healthier habits. So I am working on my side. Sorry for rambling, might be the two cups of coffee. lol

 

Sex is a very powerful motivating and satisfying thing. It also brings people together. Next time, not only give him the oral, give him a rub to... and let him give you oral.... get the daily business out of your mind, forget about all your problems, and enjoy each other together..... if you're exhausted, get to bed earlier for the fun, or sleep in. You're not giving up, so that's one way to get back to bonding. Works wonders.