bearfacts Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm in a relationship with a married woman. I'm also married but in the beginnings of a divorce. She has been married for 37 years. Her husband has cheated on her several times and has admitted it to her. They still live together and sleep in the same bed. Although she claims they haven't has sex in over 6 years. I feel she is lying about that. We have had a wonderful relationship together for over 4 years now and I have fallen in love with her. She tells me she is in love with me also. My concern is that I may set myself up for an STD if she is actually still having sex with him and he still cheats on her. She claims she wants to divorce him and plans on it. But hasn't started the procedure. BTW. My marriage has been broken since I first met my girlfriend. I would appreciate any advice on how I can deal with this uncertainty. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Get yourself tested regularly and ask her to do the same to be sure. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm in a relationship with a married woman. I'm also married but in the beginnings of a divorce. She has been married for 37 years. Her husband has cheated on her several times and has admitted it to her. They still live together and sleep in the same bed. Although she claims they haven't has sex in over 6 years. I feel she is lying about that. We have had a wonderful relationship together for over 4 years now and I have fallen in love with her. She tells me she is in love with me also. My concern is that I may set myself up for an STD if she is actually still having sex with him and he still cheats on her. She claims she wants to divorce him and plans on it. But hasn't started the procedure. BTW. My marriage has been broken since I first met my girlfriend. I would appreciate any advice on how I can deal with this uncertainty. Sounds like a risky situation to be in, but somehow you'll need to develop some real trust in her if you haven't already. There could be an argument to have her tested, and would probably be wise, but I'm sure you'll have to handle that carefully. What kind of relationship does she have with the husband? Do they both know divorce is going to happen and are they on reasonable terms? If so, why can't she sleep in another room. And the same questions about your marriage.... If papers haven't been filed, I'd bet that one of you may not go through with it and that could get ugly and painful. It's sure nice to be totally out of a relationship before getting serious with another. Link to post Share on other sites
usernametaken Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm in a relationship with a married woman. I'm also married but in the beginnings of a divorce. She has been married for 37 years. Her husband has cheated on her several times and has admitted it to her. They still live together and sleep in the same bed. Although she claims they haven't has sex in over 6 years. I feel she is lying about that. We have had a wonderful relationship together for over 4 years now and I have fallen in love with her. She tells me she is in love with me also. My concern is that I may set myself up for an STD if she is actually still having sex with him and he still cheats on her. She claims she wants to divorce him and plans on it. But hasn't started the procedure. BTW. My marriage has been broken since I first met my girlfriend. I would appreciate any advice on how I can deal with this uncertainty. Um, condoms? 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Um, condoms? I know, right? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm in a relationship with a married woman. I'm also married but in the beginnings of a divorce. She has been married for 37 years. Her husband has cheated on her several times and has admitted it to her. They still live together and sleep in the same bed. Although she claims they haven't has sex in over 6 years. I feel she is lying about that. We have had a wonderful relationship together for over 4 years now and I have fallen in love with her. She tells me she is in love with me also. My concern is that I may set myself up for an STD if she is actually still having sex with him and he still cheats on her. She claims she wants to divorce him and plans on it. But hasn't started the procedure. BTW. My marriage has been broken since I first met my girlfriend. I would appreciate any advice on how I can deal with this uncertainty. Hmm married 37 years and both are cheaters? I'm guessing she will never divorce or leave her husband. Now I'm hoping that your going to tell us your not still sleeping with your wife. I mean god only knows how many people she is having second hand sex with. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bearfacts Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 I know condoms are an answer. But there have been times when she doesn't want to use them etc. I'm clean been, tested. She told me she was tested and clean. Her husband doesn't suspect a divorce but knows their marriage is broken. I didn't intend on falling in love with this woman. But it happened. I haven't slept with my wife in years. I have no interest and she doesn't ask. We rarely sleep in the same bed at the same time. But when I ask my girlfriend about her sleeping in the same bed she assures me nothing happens. But her dates on when she stopped having sex differ. I just want to make sure she's not exposing herself to std's since neither one of us knows who he is sleeping with. I believe she may find it hard to leave him even though he's disrespectful and has cheated on her multiple times. I appreciate all the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I know condoms are an answer. But there have been times when she doesn't want to use them etc. I'm clean been, tested. She told me she was tested and clean. Her husband doesn't suspect a divorce but knows their marriage is broken. I didn't intend on falling in love with this woman. But it happened. I haven't slept with my wife in years. I have no interest and she doesn't ask. We rarely sleep in the same bed at the same time. But when I ask my girlfriend about her sleeping in the same bed she assures me nothing happens. But her dates on when she stopped having sex differ. I just want to make sure she's not exposing herself to std's since neither one of us knows who he is sleeping with. I believe she may find it hard to leave him even though he's disrespectful and has cheated on her multiple times. I appreciate all the advice. I was married when my affair started. I did not have sex with my H while I was intimate with my AP. So, could she be telling the truth? Yeah she could. Is she? Only she knows that. Trust your gut. It will never steer you wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bearfacts Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thank you. I am going with my gut. But I don't like it. Of course. I'll straight up ask her again. She talks about her and I living together in the future. Not sure how long that will take. My divorce will be settled before hers I'm sure. Then for me the clock starts. It has to. I'm middle aged and can't wait years and years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 The issue is that you don't believe her and ou don't trust what she says. Go ahead, ask her again... Will it make a difference? Here is the fundamental underpinnings of why affair relationships rarely work out. You've seen how easy it's been for her to lie to her husband of 37 years... The father of her children. Why should you be the special one? I would never have attempted an open relationship with my MM. I saw what he did behind his wife's back and how easily he did it. No way I'd invest in that. He issue is not whether she has STDs. The issue is you don't trust her or believe her. Good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 They probably AREN'T having sex, but it's not something you should risk your health with or for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bearfacts Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 Thanks for the words of wisdom. I didn't 100% trust her when it comes to having sex with her husband. STD's does play a part obviously. The main reason I didn't believe her was the fact she does what her husband tells her to do for the most part. We talked yesterday and she assured me that is where she says no. So I believe her now. Not just because she mentioned that. But we talked for 3 hours and I felt it this time. I saw it in her eyes. I want to believe everything she says. I just hope the divorces are not as nasty as some can get. Mine so far is going ok. All parties are aware the marriages are broken. So there would be no surprises in a divorce. Thanks again for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Just because they aren't having sex doesn't mean they're going to divorce. Just because you did it doesn't mean she will. Don't be surprised if she chokes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bearfacts Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 I understand that. Doesn't make me feel good thinking about that. If she doesn't follow through with the divorce, I will end it. Just not sure how long I'd wait for her. I came close yesterday to go NC. But decided not too. We really connect. We have many things in common and our likes and dislikes are the same. I guess you could say we "click" Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 The issue is that you don't believe her and ou don't trust what she says. Go ahead, ask her again... Will it make a difference? Here is the fundamental underpinnings of why affair relationships rarely work out. You've seen how easy it's been for her to lie to her husband of 37 years... The father of her children. Why should you be the special one? I would never have attempted an open relationship with my MM. I saw what he did behind his wife's back and how easily he did it. No way I'd invest in that. He issue is not whether she has STDs. The issue is you don't trust her or believe her. Good luck Yep. She's cheating on her husband and you don't trust that she's not lying to you about sleeping with him. Not exactly a great foundation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I understand that. Doesn't make me feel good thinking about that. If she doesn't follow through with the divorce, I will end it. Just not sure how long I'd wait for her. I came close yesterday to go NC. But decided not too. We really connect. We have many things in common and our likes and dislikes are the same. I guess you could say we "click" Bearfacts, Yea, I can relate to what you say. My GF and I really "clicked" for a long time, but after moving in I learned things about her that would be a deal breaker which eventually ended us. Like, you, I was involved before my divorce, but mine was already in the making, and was going to happen, and did. Also, I did not sleep with the wife when active with the GF. And I didn't hide things, both knew the situation. You're in a tough spot, really not knowing for SURE that the divorce will go through, but from what you say, she would be stupid to not proceed with it. With her husb cheating like crazy and she in a relationship, how the hell would a marriage work? But you never know until in the ink dries on the final divorce decree. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Yep. She's cheating on her husband and you don't trust that she's not lying to you about sleeping with him. Not exactly a great foundation. Question, do we know that she's cheating? I mean, the husband apparently has a lot of women on the side, do you think he suspects she is staying home doing dishes and cleaning? And they could have said to each other, go do your thing... and that's not cheating. (Cheating is doing something that the other feels you should not do and you're keeping it a secret... lying to them and betraying them). Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I understand that. Doesn't make me feel good thinking about that. If she doesn't follow through with the divorce, I will end it. Just not sure how long I'd wait for her. I came close yesterday to go NC. But decided not too. We really connect. We have many things in common and our likes and dislikes are the same. I guess you could say we "click" The bolded is something you really need to decide. And, FYI, there are single women you will be able to connect/click with too. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 The bolded is something you really need to decide. And, FYI, there are single women you will be able to connect/click with too. Popsicle, You make a very good point... how long should someone wait.... However, at the OP age, it becomes more and more difficult to find a good lady (probably the same way with a woman looking for a man). It's a man's paradise by the numbers, way more women out there, but seems like once you get into the late 40s and on, the vast majority of them come with serious baggage, or they are broke, sick, or just plain ugly. (no offense to women, I'm sure there's ugly men too). Also, older men are more popular to younger women than the other way around. Of the crowd I hang with, the majority of us have a GF (some have a few), but at one of our hangouts, there are several ladies that hit on my friends (and even me). All very nice ladies, while most are great conversationalists, and even dancers, they all have hang ups that would preclude a LTR. The once that seems to be the best are widows, that are still attractive, financially great and still want to enjoy life. One of my buddies got one and she is just great. Another buddy found one similar and she's a absolute bitch.... the only reason he stays is for the free meal and the sex. but still has a lot on the side. So, I'd made an argument to try to make it work.... worth the effort. When you're in your 20s or 30s, there's a LOT out there. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Popsicle, You make a very good point... how long should someone wait.... However, at the OP age, it becomes more and more difficult to find a good lady. OK, but is a women who is in a 37 year old marriage to a husband who cheats on her but she just puts up with it, AND she is also a blatant cheater and liar, AND she is stalling over doing anything about it, like get a divorce maybe - really such a great catch???? Baggage aplenty there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I want to believe everything she says. ^^^YOU are besotted.^^^ Time to take stock. Is she getting a divorce or not? Has she seen an attorney? What HAS she done, or is it just all talk? Don't wait around for maybe, and sometime, and if only... You have already waited too long. She has been lying steadfastly for 4 long years, how could YOU ever trust a woman like that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BROKENOW Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I believe she could be telling the truth about not having sex. It happens byt she won't leave.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 OK, but is a women who is in a 37 year old marriage to a husband who cheats on her but she just puts up with it, AND she is also a blatant cheater and liar, AND she is stalling over doing anything about it, like get a divorce maybe - really such a great catch???? Baggage aplenty there. Yes, plenty of baggage, but on both sides.... they may be well suited for each other. Their chances of success? Who knows. I know a lot of us here wouldn't be interested in either one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 But there have been times when she doesn't want to use them etc. Then she's sexually irresponsible. If a guy said that in this situation then everyone would be on him like a ton of bricks, so sauce for the goose. etc. You each say you are "clean" but have you seen each others' test results? It seems to be that the loose cannon in all this is the husband, no swapping bodily fluids of any kind until you are exclusive - and that could be a long time away, if ever...... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Thank you. I am going with my gut. But I don't like it. Of course. I'll straight up ask her again. She talks about her and I living together in the future. Not sure how long that will take. My divorce will be settled before hers I'm sure. Then for me the clock starts. It has to. I'm middle aged and can't wait years and years. While some things are gut based, in this case, there is any easy way for you to ease your mind about getting STDS....both of you get tested and exchange results, instead of just relying on her word. In single relationships I do this as well. It eases my mind far more to see the evidence than to just ask a guy and have him tell me whatever. So esp if you're in an affair where monogamy is questionable and your AP has a cheating spouse who they may or may not sleep with, why not make it a practice that you decide to get tested every 6 months or something? That's an actual practical thing you can do that will give real peace of mind instead of "following your gut." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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