in affair and being truthful?

[MJJean]

Regarding STD tests..

 

I could get tested on Tuesday, get the results on Friday that prove I am clear, and have sex with an infected partner on Saturday, and pass that on to my other lover the following week.

 

Testing clear is all well and good in an exclusive relationship, but worthless otherwise. And, OP, you AREN'T in a exclusive relationship. You are in a relationship with a married woman who may or may not be occasionally having sex with the husband she sleeps next to every night.

 

There is a big difference between "he knows the marriage is broken" and "I told him we are getting a divorce, sleep separately, and have seen a lawyer".

 

He's had multiple affairs. She's been having an affair with you for 4 years. Seems to me if they have been putting up with each other this long, they aren't splitting up now or anytime soon.

 

You believe her because you want to, not because you have any logical reason to.

[bearfacts]

Well, I'm going to clear a couple things up. Her home life is complicated by her disabled mother living with them. I didn't mention that before. Maybe I should have. There's also a house, boats, etc. So this is what scares her. Maybe she's better off staying in the status quo. I don't want that. But I can't force them to divorce. It's not that easy for everyone.

 

Regarding being tested. I have been tested recently and know I'm clean. She assures me she is. I'll ask for the results. But like MJJean says, "Testing clear is all well and good in an exclusive relationship, but worthless otherwise." I agree with that statement. I haven't had sex with anyone other than my wife before I met my AP. Now my AP is the only one. I couldn't be with both at the same time. Some people can. I can't and I won't. Believe it or not. That's how I feel. This whole affair thing is tough for me. I know what I want. I'm willing to tough it out. But how long? Popsicle said That's something I'll need to decide. And I will.

 

Arieswoman, You mentioned baggage. I have decided to not have unprotected sex with her. Even thought about suspending it altogether. I think you're right. And yes, 4 years is a long time to wait. OldRover also mentioned old baggage. Yes. I believe most people in there late 40s do have baggage. Some more than others. I expect it. We live our lives and collect it as we go. Stating that a lot of people wouldn't be interested in either one of us? Well, that's fine. I'm not here to impress anyone. I'm here to get some advice from people that have been there and are knowledgeable in this sort of thing. I do agree with you that in your late 40's and so on, it gets more difficult to find a good lady. I think the same goes for a finding good man. I understand that. So I appreciate all the advice. I can take criticism along with it. I'm asking for help. That's all. Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Edited August 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OldRover]

Bear,

 

That was a good post, you seem to have an handle on the situation, now you need to decide what way to go.

 

My gut feeling would be to try to make it work... it may, and probably worth a few months time. Hell, if you start over, it may take years. You just don't meet the special one instantly in the middle aged crowd.

 

Keep us posted.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I didn't 100% trust her when it comes to having sex with her husband. STD's does play a part obviously. The main reason I didn't believe her was the fact she does what her husband tells her to do for the most part. We talked yesterday and she assured me that is where she says no. So I believe her now. Not just because she mentioned that. But we talked for 3 hours and I felt it this time. I saw it in her eyes. I want to believe everything she says. I just hope the divorces are not as nasty as some can get. Mine so far is going ok. All parties are aware the marriages are broken. So there would be no surprises in a divorce. Thanks again for your help.

 

You are getting divorced and still sleep in the same bed with your spouse at times? I'm confused. How "getting divorced" are you?

[bearfacts]

To grapesofwrath, If we do happen to sleep in the same bed it's because she's there and I can't sleep on the couch or other beds. It's rare. Nothing happens. We are still friends. I'm moving out soon. I'm not going to just sleep in my car now. We are not fighting each other. After you stop having sex and become "room mates" for the lack of a better term, Things seem different. We both are not argumentative people. We understand our situation. So, yes, it may seem odd to some. My issue with my AP is she still sleeps in the same bed with her husband daily. That's where I have an issue. We've talked about it. No changes yet. It's gonna take some time here. But I'm willing to move forward.

[Popsicle]

Have you or your wife actually filed for divorce or separation with the court?

[Got it]

Bear, my situation was similar. Go with your gut on things and I am a big advocate of expectations and timeline (if desired). I separated/divorced within a few weeks of the affair starting and my (now) husband separated within a year or so.

 

Things can work but it does take both parties communicating quite a bit, really honing your conflict resolution skills, and being transparent.

 

We both stopped having sex with our prior spouses prior to the affair though we continued to share a bed.

 

Having grown up with my parent's marriage, I witnessed sharing a bed, intimacy it does not make.

[elaine567]

Her relationship with her husband has been broken since 2009. They both know that too. Aren't we all here because of some sort of cheating? Or being involved with someone that's still married? Her home life is complicated by her disabled mother living with them. I didn't mention that before. Maybe I should have. There's also a house, boats, etc. So this is what scares her. Maybe she's better off staying in the status quo. I don't want that. But I can't force them to divorce.

 

This woman I can tell you now, is going nowhere. It is 6 years since her marriage went belly up and she is still hanging in there. She IS better off with the status quo, stirring it all up would be detrimental to her well being.

She would have to uproot her mother, find a new place to live and live a life that is probably not as comfortable as the one she has now. She would be a divorcee, with a divorced OM, living somewhere I guess she may hate, with a disabled mother in tow.

Now, she is a wife who lives a perfectly acceptable existence, in her own home, with her own things around her, arranged as she likes it to be.

She has her cake and is eating it.

Her husband provides the security and the status, and YOU provide the intimacy and the emotional connection.

Why would she want to leave?

 

She must be in her 50s now, so even more reason to stay, she has 37 long years of marriage, behind her - 37 long years of habit - it is not something anyone can just give up on a whim.

She is not an abused wife desperate to leave, or someone who going mad with loneliness, or someone who needs to leave for her own sanity or someone whose husband wants her out and is making her life a misery.

She has you to fall back on when things are tough, so you basically enable her to stay put.

[OldRover]

Elaine,

 

What you say could be exactly like it is.... she has what she wants.

 

Now, the OP could go have some ladies on the side for the entertainment that he's not getting from his OW, but that can complicate things. (not for me).

 

If I were the OP, I'd insist on a divorce, set some parameters, and either accomplish them, or bail. Gut feeling, this is a questionable outcome.

[Lois_Griffin]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I didn't 100% trust her when it comes to having sex with her husband. STD's does play a part obviously. The main reason I didn't believe her was the fact she does what her husband tells her to do for the most part. We talked yesterday and she assured me that is where she says no. So I believe her now. Not just because she mentioned that. But we talked for 3 hours and I felt it this time. I saw it in her eyes. I want to believe everything she says. I just hope the divorces are not as nasty as some can get. Mine so far is going ok. All parties are aware the marriages are broken. So there would be no surprises in a divorce. Thanks again for your help.

One needs ONLY to read some of the more popular infidelity boards to see just how many BS's claim they were unaware of their cheating spouse's affairs because they were still having regular sex the entire time and nothing seemed amiss.

 

You can 'believe' her all you want. It doesn't make it true, however.

[MJJean]

Well, I'm going to clear a couple things up. Her home life is complicated by her disabled mother living with them. I didn't mention that before. Maybe I should have. There's also a house, boats, etc. So this is what scares her. Maybe she's better off staying in the status quo. I don't want that. But I can't force them to divorce. It's not that easy for everyone.

 

Regarding being tested. I have been tested recently and know I'm clean. She assures me she is. I'll ask for the results. But like MJJean says, "Testing clear is all well and good in an exclusive relationship, but worthless otherwise." I agree with that statement. I haven't had sex with anyone other than my wife before I met my AP. Now my AP is the only one. I couldn't be with both at the same time. Some people can. I can't and I won't. Believe it or not. That's how I feel. This whole affair thing is tough for me. I know what I want. I'm willing to tough it out. But how long? Popsicle said That's something I'll need to decide. And I will.

 

To grapesofwrath, If we do happen to sleep in the same bed it's because she's there and I can't sleep on the couch or other beds. It's rare. Nothing happens. We are still friends. I'm moving out soon. I'm not going to just sleep in my car now. We are not fighting each other. After you stop having sex and become "room mates" for the lack of a better term, Things seem different. We both are not argumentative people. We understand our situation. So, yes, it may seem odd to some. My issue with my AP is she still sleeps in the same bed with her husband daily. That's where I have an issue. We've talked about it. No changes yet. It's gonna take some time here. But I'm willing to move forward.

 

Focusing on the bolded.

 

YOUR wife knows that the marriage is over. HER husband probably doesn't. Again, BIG difference between he knows the marriage is broken and he knows the marriage is over. A lot of people know their marriages have problems, but do not think it's over or even heading that way.

 

YOU are in an exclusive relationship with her. SHE is in a non-monogamous relationship with you and her husband.

 

You seem like a nice guy. The problem with a lot of nice guys is that they assume most people are like them. And that means that they are particularly susceptible to being lied to and manipulated. Add into that the fact that you have feelings for your AP and you're very likely to believe what your AP tells you, even if it's not the truth or anything close to it.

 

 

If I were placing a bet, I'd put my money on your AP is still occasionally or frequently having sex with her husband and is not going to divorce him...ever. I'd bet she's lying to you about it because she knows you would likely walk if you knew. She's lying to the man she's been married to for 37 years and who she has a family with, why wouldn't she lie to you?

 

I am the child of a severely disabled mother. I was also a WW when in my first marriage and had 2 young children ( 6 and 1 year old)with my ex at the time as well as a GED and zero job skills because I was a SAHM, so I understand complicated and difficult.

 

I met my final AP in October of 1999. We fell in love very quickly, had our first date in December, and began a physical relationship on January 1, 2000. I told my husband that it was over and that I was in a relationship with my AP. We tried to live together as roommates with me in the upper level and him in the basement because neither had the means to move, but that went very badly. He moved out to his parents house in February of 2000. My former AP and now DH and I have been together ever since.

 

If this woman wanted to leave her husband and start a life with you, she would be making a move in that direction. She's not. It's been 4 years and nada.

 

I normally hate ultimatums, but I think one is called for in this situation. Tell her she has 3 months to come clean to her husband and talk to an attorney to start divorce proceedings or you will be moving on without her. Then follow through. Life is short. None of us know how long we have on this planet. Don't waste any more of your precious time.

Edited August 3, 2015 by MJJean

[bearfacts]

Wow... I just realized I have more to think about. I'm not sure if I'm happy I came across this site or not. But the truth hurts for sure. But is it the truth? Or lies? I appreciate all the input on this issue. I'll throw this all around my head and respond later. I'll also talk with my AP. To me this is serious. I only want the right person to share my life with. I thought I finally found her. But she's attached to someone else.

That sucks.

[Got it]

Bear, please take some of the advice with a grain of salt. Some of it applies potentially but some of it doesn't. You know your situation and the players involved. Regardless of what is written here, we can only speak from direct experience, indirect experience, and/or assumption.

 

Trust me, if I posted here during my affair I would have been told the same, he was a no good guy who is lying to me, having sex with his wife, never going to leave, and using me.

 

Not quite our reality.

 

But no one can predict the future. There is a 50/50 shot that what someone says is true or not true on what will happen. I am not advocating you stay in the relationship or leave it. I am advocating you act in your own best interest and do what is right for you.

 

But that doesn't mean you have no power. You decide what you want/need now. Does the relationship meet your needs? Does the good outweigh the bad or vice versa? What do you need in 6 months? A year? Re-evaluate the situation and make sure that you are not putting yourself last in hopes that you may be "picked".

 

Focus on your life, you too have a marriage to end and deal with. No matter how amicable (and my divorce was very amicable) there are still a lot of emotions to deal with. Treat your AP as icing on your cake, but don't make her your cake. Stay focused on the areas you need to focus on, enjoy what you get out of the relationship and move your life forward. At that point decide what does the landscape look like.

 

Journal.

 

You handle it how you feel best. You are a competent adult and make sound judgement right? Well lean on your gut and your skills and allow them to guide your way.

[OldRover]

Bear, please take some of the advice with a grain of salt. Some of it applies potentially but some of it doesn't. You know your situation and the players involved. Regardless of what is written here, we can only speak from direct experience, indirect experience, and/or assumption.

 

Trust me, if I posted here during my affair I would have been told the same, he was a no good guy who is lying to me, having sex with his wife, never going to leave, and using me.

 

Not quite our reality.

 

But no one can predict the future. There is a 50/50 shot that what someone says is true or not true on what will happen. I am not advocating you stay in the relationship or leave it. I am advocating you act in your own best interest and do what is right for you.

 

But that doesn't mean you have no power. You decide what you want/need now. Does the relationship meet your needs? Does the good outweigh the bad or vice versa? What do you need in 6 months? A year? Re-evaluate the situation and make sure that you are not putting yourself last in hopes that you may be "picked".

 

Focus on your life, you too have a marriage to end and deal with. No matter how amicable (and my divorce was very amicable) there are still a lot of emotions to deal with. Treat your AP as icing on your cake, but don't make her your cake. Stay focused on the areas you need to focus on, enjoy what you get out of the relationship and move your life forward. At that point decide what does the landscape look like.

 

Journal.

 

You handle it how you feel best. You are a competent adult and make sound judgement right? Well lean on your gut and your skills and allow them to guide your way.

 

Bear,

 

Pay attention to the about post... lots of good thoughts there, and certainly some good ideas. You have a LOT invested and seems like both marriages are doomed. It's probably worth getting the marriages behind and see what the future brings with your AP.... It would be easy, but could work out fine.

[bearfacts]

Thank you Got it and everyone else that put in their opinions. I read the responses more than once. This is a big step for me. And to answer Popsicle, I filed, not my wife. Although we haven't been to court yet. I'm going to focus on what I need to do at home. Stay connected with my AP and then see what the horizon has in store. But I'm moving forward. Time will tell if she will move forward with me. If she chooses to stay put, then I guess it wasn't meant to be. I just hate wasting time on an unsure thing. But maybe it will be worth it in the end. Thanks again folks.

[OldRover]

Thank you Got it and everyone else that put in their opinions. I read the responses more than once. This is a big step for me. And to answer Popsicle, I filed, not my wife. Although we haven't been to court yet. I'm going to focus on what I need to do at home. Stay connected with my AP and then see what the horizon has in store. But I'm moving forward. Time will tell if she will move forward with me. If she chooses to stay put, then I guess it wasn't meant to be. I just hate wasting time on an unsure thing. But maybe it will be worth it in the end. Thanks again folks.

 

BEAR,

 

Yes, it's hard to go with uncertainty. I could suggest a really heart to heart talk with your AP and be SURE she's on the right page for you, and then plan accordingly.

 

Good luck.

[bearfacts]

Thanks OldRover. I will. That's for sure.