Sprezzatura Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I met this really great guy some months ago. Actually he is my neighbor so I had my eye on him for a while. All I knew about him was that he lived with his mother and to me, that was a major plus! But now that Ive gotten to know them better, their relationship seems to be way more than I could have ever imagined. Here are the basics: He is 43 and has never lived with another woman other than mom. Dad divorced mom when son was little. They act like best friends, not like mother and son. Mom is in a wheelchair but I have no idea how she got there or why she is there. In fact, I have seen her stand up several times. YET--he helps dress her which I find unacceptable. She has Medicare but refuses to let anyone else take care of her. In fact, he refuses to let someone else take care of her too. Overnights at my house are out of the question in case she wakes up at night despite the fact that my apartment is maybe 200 feet away from his, mom has a cell phone AND an emergency alert system (think Ive fallen and I cant get up) Yes, mom interferes in our relationship by keeping him so busy and insisting he be home by dark that half the time when we make plans to hang out, we never get too. But I am always welcome to come sit on his porch with them outside. I have not once been invited in his house and when I asked him why he told me that it was up to his mom as she pays the rent. He says he has say on everything but that. She has alienated him from the rest of his family so it is just him and her. He never gets to go out unless its an errand for her or to the library.So he will truly be alone when she passes. He has no friends other than me and no where to turn or go. Ive done research and its obvious he is a mommas boy but Ive also read that its called covert incest where mom replaces her husband with her son. If that is the case here, its not his fault. He has been conditioned to be this way. I know I should go my own way but then I feel guilty if I think that. I also feel some authority needs to be alerted because this has got to be some form of abuse, right? Am I wrong in thinking this relationship is extremely abnormal? And is it okay for me to be selfish and break up with him when its obvious he needs help? -so confused Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 "Extremely abnormal", yes; contact-the-authorities "abusive", no. I wouldn't end the relationship with him...if by "relationship" you mean "his friend" - but I most assuredly would not pursue a deepening relationship, i.e., "love interest" one with him, either. In the immortal words of Alanis Morissette, "I am not the doctor..." Best of luck to you, OP... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 His name isn't Norman is it? Is his hobby stuffing animals or taxidermy? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I met this really great guy some months ago. Actually he is my neighbor so I had my eye on him for a while. All I knew about him was that he lived with his mother and to me, that was a major plus! But now that Ive gotten to know them better, their relationship seems to be way more than I could have ever imagined. Here are the basics: He is 43 and has never lived with another woman other than mom. Dad divorced mom when son was little. They act like best friends, not like mother and son. Mom is in a wheelchair but I have no idea how she got there or why she is there. In fact, I have seen her stand up several times. YET--he helps dress her which I find unacceptable. She has Medicare but refuses to let anyone else take care of her. In fact, he refuses to let someone else take care of her too. Overnights at my house are out of the question in case she wakes up at night despite the fact that my apartment is maybe 200 feet away from his, mom has a cell phone AND an emergency alert system (think Ive fallen and I cant get up) Yes, mom interferes in our relationship by keeping him so busy and insisting he be home by dark that half the time when we make plans to hang out, we never get too. But I am always welcome to come sit on his porch with them outside. I have not once been invited in his house and when I asked him why he told me that it was up to his mom as she pays the rent. He says he has say on everything but that. She has alienated him from the rest of his family so it is just him and her. He never gets to go out unless its an errand for her or to the library.So he will truly be alone when she passes. He has no friends other than me and no where to turn or go. Ive done research and its obvious he is a mommas boy but Ive also read that its called covert incest where mom replaces her husband with her son. If that is the case here, its not his fault. He has been conditioned to be this way. I know I should go my own way but then I feel guilty if I think that. I also feel some authority needs to be alerted because this has got to be some form of abuse, right? Am I wrong in thinking this relationship is extremely abnormal? And is it okay for me to be selfish and break up with him when its obvious he needs help? -so confused OK : 1 - let's assume it is the full incestuous relationship. Who you gonna call ? Ghostbusters ? Disgusting as it may be, i honestly doubt you could prosecute that. You might make some money off Jerry Springer clones. 2 - he is 42yrs old ... what kind of authority ? If he is in full mental capabilities than he has the same rights and obligations as an adult, so good luck calling CPS on them. Though it may be quite appropiate for his age, it won't work. 3 - why does it matter that he will lead that life ? The only person that can save him is himself ... and it sounds like he won't do so. 4 - i saw no mention of a job ... i will assume he is a 42yr old loser with no skill set [or low skill set] who's only job is to burn air and attend to his mommy's surrogate sexual needs. Well tough. 5 - why do you have to be the white knight ? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Sprezzatura, I don't suspect anything sexual in this relationship of your b/f's but this ; Overnights at my house are out of the question in case she wakes up at night despite the fact that my apartment is maybe 200 feet away from his, mom has a cell phone AND an emergency alert system (think Ive fallen and I cant get up) and this; She has Medicare but refuses to let anyone else take care of her. In fact, he refuses to let someone else take care of her too. and this mom interferes in our relationship by keeping him so busy and insisting he be home by dark that half the time when we make plans to hang out, we never get too. show that this is some kind of co-dependent relationship that has no room for outsiders. Please start walking away now and find some normal guy who isn't an unpaid nursemaid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 This is a lost cause. This man is already married -- to his mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Iron Bubba Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 In other words you think that you and only you should be the guy's only world. You are a very insecure person to not want to allow him to have a friendship with his mother and demand that he be completely subservient and loyal to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Wow, such pot shots given to a person taking care of a family member. I would see it as a family member being devoted to attending to another. Where it needs upgraded is to have some time outside the care giver role. He does deserve that for himself to maintain sanity and a sense of self. I took care of my Dad and my grandfather and there was nothing quirky about it, they needed help in many areas of self care, It was no different then the patients I had to attend to in a paid job. All rules applied, to be done with dignity and regard for their privacy. I would not accuse a person of anything abusive or Unlawful until valid proof was presented. Some folks are private for good reasons. None of which boarder on the perverted or illegal. Maintain some adult contact with him as a friend, I'm sure he appreciates it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Maintain some adult contact with him as a friend, I'm sure he appreciates it. That is what I suggest too. As for the wheelchair, some wheelchair users can stand and some can walk too, but they cannot walk far enough to let them lead any sort of a normal life. They may be very unsteady on their feet, or they tire easily and therefore need the chair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I think you are jumping to fast to the conclusion of incest and you do not have any proof besides devoting his time to his mother. If you call for help you will be ridiculous and this may be the reason to end the relationship with him, I think you do not want to happen this way. If you are not happy you can walk away and find another man. Seriously why do you suspect the wheelchair thing, " I have no idea how she got there or why she is there" Do you think she is faking? Be careful because if you call for help you may end up with being labeled as the one who have serious issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 In other words you think that you and only you should be the guy's only world. You are a very insecure person to not want to allow him to have a friendship with his mother and demand that he be completely subservient and loyal to you. No, that is not it at all. I want him to have a life. He has a friendship with his mother but that is it. He has no male or female friends at all. I encouraged him to go out and meet others. Hes lonely, never had a real relationship with a woman due to his mother. Never even slept at another girls house due to his devotion to his mother. While devotion is a great thing, obsession is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 "Extremely abnormal", yes; contact-the-authorities "abusive", no. I wouldn't end the relationship with him...if by "relationship" you mean "his friend" - but I most assuredly would not pursue a deepening relationship, i.e., "love interest" one with him, either. In the immortal words of Alanis Morissette, "I am not the doctor..." Best of luck to you, OP... Thank you so much for the advice! I tried to remain just his friend but it didnt work out. Nonetheless, I am much happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 OK : 1 - let's assume it is the full incestuous relationship. Who you gonna call ? Ghostbusters ? Disgusting as it may be, i honestly doubt you could prosecute that. You might make some money off Jerry Springer clones. 2 - he is 42yrs old ... what kind of authority ? If he is in full mental capabilities than he has the same rights and obligations as an adult, so good luck calling CPS on them. Though it may be quite appropiate for his age, it won't work. 3 - why does it matter that he will lead that life ? The only person that can save him is himself ... and it sounds like he won't do so. 4 - i saw no mention of a job ... i will assume he is a 42yr old loser with no skill set [or low skill set] who's only job is to burn air and attend to his mommy's surrogate sexual needs. Well tough. 5 - why do you have to be the white knight ? You made several good points in your post. Some I had not thought of. My first thought was this is an abusive relationship, not physical but emotionally and mentally. That upset me. I did want to be the white knight because I do care for him and I see how lonely he is. But things have changed now and I realize I cannot be a white knight. You are right, it is up to him. It still saddens me to know he is not happy but there is nothing I can do. You are correct he does not have a job because he thinks he has to be at his mother's side 24/7. I believe he was conditioned to think this and that is her hold on him. However, it is no longer my business. Thank you for the reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I don't think it's wrong of him to choose this option (in some cultures his behaviour would be lauded), but it's also not wrong for you to decide that this is not what you want in a partner. I mean, let's be practical. This isn't ever going to stop, and anyway you shouldn't make him stop for you if he doesn't want to. Can you live the next 10 or 20 years of your life this way? If you can't, then it might be a good idea to bail. He is not entitled to have you bend over backwards to accommodate his choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Sprezzatura, I don't suspect anything sexual in this relationship of your b/f's but this ; and this; and this show that this is some kind of co-dependent relationship that has no room for outsiders. Please start walking away now and find some normal guy who isn't an unpaid nursemaid. Done and Done! Thank you for the reply and advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 This is a lost cause. This man is already married -- to his mother. Well said and I couldnt agree more. Thank you for the reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Thank you for the reply! Neither of them has sense of self. They are too entermeshed. I admired him at first for the way he took care of his mother. But when I got to know them better I saw the signs that made me post here. I was not taking potshots. These are serious concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 I do think she is faking but my thoughts and concerns were based more on my boyfriend. I saw his dependency on his mother and that is the part that terrified me. He has no life, no friends and no relationship experience with women. They are completely alienated from their family so he literally has no one to turn too. That is what bothered me. They both use that wheelchair as an excuse for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Simply put, no I cant live this way for even one year. Things have ended between us now and while Im much happier, I wish we could have remained friends. But its either more than friends or nothing to him. His choice. Thank you for the reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sprezzatura Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 No, his name is not Norman. As for the stuffing animals--maybe thats why I never got invited in! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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