Walked in on fiance beating to internet porn last night!

[Brandi Renee]

I found this site becasue I was totally wide awake after checking on my finace at 3am in his computer room to see if he was coming to bed soon.

 

Low and behold he spun around in his chair with his cock in his hand and a video on pause on the computer screen. I said honey what are you doing? this was before my eyes adjusted to the light. He said sheepishly "beating off". I focused my eyes and looked down. I said "are you kidding me?" . He sheepishly said no, and I was said "come to bed okay?". He said he would.

 

I proceeded to get back into bed, tripping out. I have seen him nail himself in the shower several times and I am fine with it. I like to spy on him sometimes. I knew he had porn on his computer because we both talked about it. No big deal. I have had porn collections too and done the same thing, but I am over it now. I thought to myself, I'll be dammed if he finishes the job aournd he corner. So I got back up and went to his room and got on my knees and started kissing him ect, I told him to come into the bedroom and I would finish him off. So I did. It was a whole whopping tow minutes. And believe me it was a little strange, just the whole incident of me walking in on him. i told him why did he not come get me. He stated I was asleep and did not want to wake me. I think that is BS. I told him next time come and wake me.

 

So he went back to his room to watch some TV. He kissed em and left. This is normal for him to stay up unitl 3 0r 4 paluying online games and watching tv. I am getting used to this as this is just his time he has to play around or whatever. He is a late bird I am not. I have to get my son ready for school int he morning ect.

 

I could not sleep so I typed in husbands masturbating - porn and got this site. I read allot of posts that are similar to mine and I don't feel as bad now. I have masturbated plenty of times to porn so I cant condem him for sure. I decided to go to the store at 5am for cigarettes because I needed to have one after this. I went to his room to find him passe out on his couch with the TV on. Normal. I said I am going to the store , I cant sleep. He asked if I was okay and i said I will be right back. I came back and he still did not come to bed. I thought WTF ? So I went into his room again and said it was nearing 6am and come to bed. He said okay.

 

In bed - he tried to spoon with me and I refused. I asked him if there was something lacking fomr his perspective in our realtions ship or if I ma not fulfilling his needs ( not sexually) jsut in general and if I am not attractive to him. I asked him to be honest with me so that I can work on any issues that might be. I asked him to not keep in a relationship with me because we are too invovled to deal with selling the house ect. He said - I am reading way too much into this and that he loves me, there is no complaints on his behalf and that he just wanted to wacht TV. He did not talk about the beating off incident.

 

In the morning I phoned my mom and told all the details as we are best friends after taking my son to school. He woke up and came over to my computer to grab his daily workload , (we work from home as a partnership in appraisals) . He proceeded to grab my breast and say " Oh yeah , have i told you that I am attracted to men , I mean women and I don't find you attractive anymore? Have I told you that I am not happy with our relationship?). Then he game me a kiss andhug and walked away. I said , are you cheating on the internet with me? He says no way ! Are you? I said not yet, do you want me too? He said , hell no!

 

He made a big joke out of all this - its like not a big deal to him. But I still feel sad he was beating to other women when I was sleeping in the other room. Do I have reason to be alarmed?

[outdated]

Naw. Some things never change. It seems like he just didn't want to wake you up, which seems pretty nice considering you had to get up early. He just had a urge to lose a nut. Not that uncommon. Sounds like you guys have a pretty fun relationship, but guys get attached pretty early on to their units and have a hard time letting go!

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Brandi Renee

Do I have reason to be alarmed?

 

Unless you were having issues in your relationship before you walked in on him I don't know what the problem is. You knew he looked at porn and masturbated so why do you seem so bothered by it now?

 

Unless you're not getting enough sex or his private activities are affecting your relationship I don't understand why this would be a huge concern. You even said you masturbate.

[blind_otter]

So he masturbated.....aaaaand? He masturbates and you already knew that. Masturbation and sex are two VERY different things. You know how to please yourself best, sometimes you're too tired, or you just wanna tie one off and be done with it, without the kissing, snuggling or whatever that goes along with sex. Masturbation is just about relieving a need, it's easier to do than sex, and it doesn't require that emotional revving up that sex requires.

 

That said, taking away someone's ability to please themselves is cruel. It's one thing if your sex life has dwindled to nothing, he can't get an erection, and you are left unsatisified. But if your husband is affectionate, and attentive in the bedroom, and nice to you in general, what's the problem with masturbating????

[SexKitten]

you used to do the same thing and you "got over it."

 

for some people it's not a matter to "get over" and he, apparently, didn't yet.

 

i wouldn't make such a big deal about it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Brandi Renee

Do I have reason to be alarmed?[/font][/color][/b]

 

 

NO....

 

ALL men masterbate....it was just a matter of time before you caught him.

 

I used to masterbate alot more than I do now.....never really "hid" it from my wife...but was never upfront about it either....cause it never came up. Untill just recently and she was actually surprised by the frequency.

 

She also admited that watching me MB actually is a turn on for her...so if shes not in the mood and I am....she likes to watch....and at times we will watch eachother......kinda HOT and erotic.

 

 

dont sweat it.....sometimes a guy just wants to get off a quick one....

[XNemesisX]

Idk I think it would bother me. If I had seen my ex doing that in front of porn on the computer screen I would have been really angry. I'm sure he probably has done it, like most guys, but some things are just better left unknown. eww..that would have made me so sick to walk in on that.

 

I don't know what to tell you....I guess all men do this though apparently so even if you left this guy, odds are the next guy you got with would do it too...some things we just have to accept I guess. As long as he doesn't turn into a porn addict who can't please YOU anymore then try not to worry too much about it.

 

Monday is the best person to talk to about this. I think she said her husband wasn't like he is now before they got married, but after they were married he was all about the porn and he doesn't satisfy her anymore. You should definitely talk to her about this.

[Brandi Renee]

I appreciate all your inputs, however I feel very bad now this morning.

 

Now that I have seen him do this I am curious as too how often it is. So last night I went to bed a 12 pm and he came in a 5 am. I woke up tp go see what movies had been played on his system and sure enougthtey were different ones than the day before.

 

So it thought where does he put his stuff? I do all the laundry. I looked for two seconds and found a navy blue shirt balled up on the side of his sofa in his office - COVERED !!!!! THIS IS HIS TOWEL! And from the looks of it there has been a **** load of activity with out me.

 

I am now wondering if I REALLY am not satisfactory for him because my ass is in the other room !!!!

And I must say that when we were dating (before we lived togheterh) it was sex 6 times a week, almost every day. Since we moved in, it is this weird pattern that he has - NOT ME and it goes like sex 2-4 x a week for two consecutive weeks then nothing for anwyerhe from 7 -13 days, it never goes longer than 13 days because I keep track of this. I need to know if I can marry this guy so i take close notes now that we live together.

 

I am not happy with the sex patter/frequency - I want it to be like we were dating again. Allot of times when we were dating we would go out to the bar together and have drinks and come hoe and have sex - now that we live togaheter he tells me why do I need to go out when I have what i need here. You only go out for a piece of a*** and I can do all drinking at home and the bar is just not his scene. I on th other handlike to socialize and drink with him.

 

Anyway - I am really not sure what I should do. We have alrady bough this house togheter and he works literally for me. We are real sestate apprisaers but it is my compmay. He could get antier job easily if anything ever happened but we would have to sell this house. I have alerady been with him for 3 years and lived with him for one year this month. I am not getting any younger and I fear that I will be one of those women who is fine in their marriage and then 10 years later says I overlooked too many things. I am sooo hurt right now.

 

I feel like putting in a spy camera in his room so I can see how mujch I am being neglected.

[moimeme]

Don't lose it over this.

 

He stated I was asleep and did not want to wake me. I think that is BS

 

You had to get up early the next day. I HATE waking people up. My mom used to always wake me up from naps and I HATED it so I don't want to do that to anybody else. You have kids who go to school. You get up early to deal with them. Your husband is a night owl who can't wind down at night. I know how that can be - my ex was a teacher who got up very early each morning. I just can't go to bed at 8 PM! I figure he's trying to let you have your rest but also deal with his own horniness. But when he realized you were up, available, and willing, he took advantage.

 

She also admited that watching me MB actually is a turn on for her

 

A lot of ladies (me included) find this to be terribly hot. Next time, watch - you'll love it, I bet!

 

In the morning I phoned my mom and told all the details as we are best friends

 

I don't care if your mom is your best friend - it's none of her business. I don't get people who spill the details about their sex lives to others. It's one thing on an anonymous forum and quite another to blab about what you do to people who know you. Ick. Keep what happens in your bed between you and your husband.

 

Be truthful - with kids to care for, are you willing to give up sleep every night to keep him happy? Are you always ready to go even though you're worn out? If not, then don't get so mad about this. Tell him it'll be ok to wake you up - IF that's true. He still might not, though, for the reasons I stated at the beginning - it just feels real mean to wake someone up, especially if that someone has a very busy life.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Brandi Renee

I feel like putting in a spy camera in his room so I can see how mujch I am being neglected.

 

You have serious issues if you do this.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Pocky

You have serious issues if you do this.

I believe it is also highly illegal also

[UCFKevin]

GOD ALMIGHTY.

 

He's jerking off.

 

Call the cops! Crime of the century! Your relationship is over! He hates you!

[whichwayisup]

i told him why did he not come get me. He stated I was asleep and did not want to wake me. I think that is BS. I told him next time come and wake me.

 

Even though you guys have sex, he is still allowed to masterbate! If it is getting in the way of your sex life and he's choosing to whack off instead of making love, then yes, there could be a problem.

 

I have masturbated plenty of times to porn so I cant condem him for sure.

 

Why is it OK for you and not for him? I think you walking in on him and having that mental image is upsetting you. Remember, him jerking off is NOT ABOUT YOU, it's just what guys DO. It's okay to be hurt, a shock hurt, unexpected reaction to see him doing that, but really, it's not a huge deal - Try not to take it personally.

 

I feel like putting in a spy camera in his room so I can see how mujch I am being neglected.

 

Get to marriage councilling and work on some issues together...If you don't you're always going to have some concerns and worries - Result? This could play in your head big time, make you feel insecure and unloved.

 

Be open and honest to him how you are feeling but at the same time, he isn't really doing this to hurt you. Remember that next time you masterbate...Again, why is it OK for you do it and not him????

[alphamale]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

GOD ALMIGHTY.

He's jerking off.

Call the cops! Crime of the century! Your relationship is over! He hates you!

no to mention, UCFK, that the moral fiber of society will be ripped to shreds

[Brandi Renee]

whichwayisup is right - it does play into my head and make me feel insecure. i would say it would be fine if he was always aksing for sex and I was turning him down, but th tis not the case.

 

The pattern of frequency where there is that period where he just is too tired or whatever for 7-13 days is what bothers me the most about this whole jack off thing. that is it. then we pick back up and have the regular 3-4 or five times a week of sex for two weeks and then the damn dry spell. He can jack himself to high heaven 20 times a day for all I care so long as we had sex every week 3-4 times with no damn dry spell.

 

Because during the 7-13 days that we have the dry spell I am wanting it from him and feel hurt if he is too tired or he has some project he is involved in or whatever the excuse is at those moment i approach him during the dry spell.. I also speculate that this is the time that he jacks off the most. So why ? Why have this dry spell that is completely predictable ? This is when I feel hurt and not attactive to him . I have mentioned a couple of times "honey , its been almost two weeks and he will say no its been like a week. So he is fully aware that we have the dry spells.

 

I really appreciate all your opinions . thank you very much

[blind_otter]

How creative is your sex life? I get bored f*cking someone if we do the same damn thing like clockwork every time we screw. Or even if it's like a routine of only certain positions. You have to keep it creative and interesting if you want it every day. That can involve toys, or lingerie or clothes, or role playing, or wigs or different hairstyles. I mean, just go out for drinks at the bar, whatever, explain that you want to make your sex life more exciting.

 

But honestly masturbation is just easier than sex and if youdon't want a big production (sometimes I don't), it's easier to just whack off.

[FolderWife]

I hate porn too. However, after two solid years of fighting against it and always losing, I have finally given up.

 

If you find a solution, let me know

 

The only thing that helped me deal was to get rid of the internet and buy DVDs, because I am TOO DRAWN to checking the history to see when he last watched porn...and it hurts every single time I find it. If he has movies in a drawer where I can find them, then he's not "sneaking" to watch it, because I know he has it. And if he has DVDs, there's no possible way for me to hack in and find when he watches it.

 

He could watch it every day for all I know..but this way, I can at least PRETEND that he's not watching it

 

Porn takes a HUGE toll on your sex life. If you know he was watching porn just minutes before he came to you with an erection, then you will feel used and ugly. But if you DON'T know, and he walked to you with an erection, you can fool yourself into thinking he found you so irresistable and attractive that he couldn't wait to get with you. And then you'll feel loved, cherished, wanted, and needed.

 

If you can't check the history, you can pretend he's wanting you. If you can check the history, then you're forced to realize that he's fantasizing about a porn slut, while he's banging you from behind

[moimeme]

Or, you could realize that his use of porn has nothing to do with his relationship with you unless there are other issues in the relationship. Talking to him about it (rather than shrieking, preaching, or lecturing) is always a good start.

[XNemesisX]

quote:

Originally posted by Pocky

You have serious issues if you do this.

 

 

I believe it is also highly illegal also

 

 

Pocky

 

quote:

Originally posted by Brandi Renee

I feel like putting in a spy camera in his room so I can see how mujch I am being neglected.

 

 

 

You have serious issues if you do this.

 

Not if it is her house....it's not illegal. You can put surveillance in the house that you own.

 

The question is...do you like to hurt yourself and punish yourself? Seeing with your own eyes what he's doing behind your back will enrage and hurt you....OR it will make you definitely want to ditch the guy.

 

 

I have alerady been with him for 3 years and lived with him for one year this month. I am not getting any younger and I fear that I will be one of those women who is fine in their marriage and then 10 years later says I overlooked too many things. I am sooo hurt right now.

 

I have a feeling you will be one of those women at this rate. It sounds like you are on the path to having a man who is more into porn than into you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

And to play [color=red]devil's advocate:[/color]

 

Any guy would be more into porn, if he feels there is nothing wrong with what he's doing and the only alternative for sex is a woman who constantly harasses him about something he feels that is perfectly normal. No guy wants to make love to a woman who constantly gives him grief and causes problems in the relationship over something that he feels is normal and natural for him. The more grief and problems that are caused by the issue, the less he will want to be intimate with her. Sex becomes rote obligation as he distances himself emotionally. The sex in the brain dies to a hum, and sex becomes nothing more than a genital sneeze. A reaction to stimulation. No love. No affection. That is what buried anger does to him.

 

The less intimate he is with her, the more time and attention he will turn toward a source of sexual pleasure that exists for no other purpose but his pleasure. Porn does not nag. Porn does not argue. Porn does not come with obligations or demands. True, porn doesn't provide intimacy, but no man can feel intimate with a woman he has buried anger and hostility toward. So, when given the choice between lovemaking and intimacy with a wife that he is angry with, and porn - he will go for the instant gratification at the expense of the intimacy. The price for intimacy, in his mind simply isn't worth it to him anymore.

 

A man does not want to pleasure a woman for whom he has a great deal of pent up anger and frustration toward. So, he turns to porn. Pretty soon, porn begins to replace his sexual response patterns, and he finds that his wife no longer turns him on as his emotional distance grows - he is programming himself slowly to be turned on by a different stimuli. Then, he relies on it. The wife is stuck alone and puzzled why he can't just love her and turn off the porn. The husband buries his anger and hostility toward her deeper and deeper, and gets to the point where he can't even get it up for her anymore.

 

Anger. Hostility. Frustration. Those are your problems. Porn is the escape from them, which can turn into an addictive trap.

 

Find a way to communicate with your husband, even if it is through a therapist. You may not like his reasons for what he does, or agree with them but refusing to accept that he sees them as valid arguments will kill any chance you have of working this out. He isn't defending his right to view and beat off to porn, so much as he is defending his right to decide for himself what is normal and natural for himself. Attacking the porn use is taken as an attack on him, and a refusal to allow him to experience sexuality in any form except what she deems 'appropriate'.

 

It may start as casual porn use, but the harder you push the issue - the more he will escape into it until he can't function sexually without it. Work with him to form compromises. Don't work against him to force him to do only what works for you. A refusal to accept how he might be feeling, and a refusal to look at the problem from more than one angle is a refusal to fix the problem. You can't fix something unless you can see all sides of it. Even the ones you don't like.

 

Compromise, communication, understanding of motivations (even when you don't agree with them) - those are your answers.

[moimeme]

If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that the responses you'll get will be 'but he prefers those women to me'. Umpteen of us have said that the porn isn't the problem but a symptom of the problem. I agree with you 100%, LB, and have written pretty much the same thing myself. Falls on deaf ears most of the time.

 

Seems it's all but impossible to persuade people that nagging someone to love you is the shortest way to stop him from loving you.

[krbshappy71]

Originally posted by Pocky

You have serious issues if you do this.

 

Issues nothing, I want the video.

 

Eh, I'd lay off the issue for awhile, and above all DON'T let him know you've had this wonderful conversation with your mother. Egad, I'd cringe if I pictured my spouse/partner discussing my sex-life with their family, I'd be wondering "did she tell them about THIS? or when we do THIS?" Call me a prude but that's a bit out of my league of comfortability.

 

Anyhow hang in there and at the very least, seek counseling regarding the sexual 'dry spells' if they are truly affecting your relationships.

[Lonestar]

So you found him jerking off, so what?

[XNemesisX]

So you found him jerking off, so what?

 

I don't think you all are understanding:

 

She says:

I have mentioned a couple of times "honey , its been almost two weeks and he will say no its been like a week. So he is fully aware that we have the dry spells.

 

It's more than she just found him masturbating. Their sex life is actually affected by it. She explains clearly the problem they are having with having sex less and less. This is a major problem!!

 

Who knows if it has anything to do with a "nagging wife" or her husband being angry and hostile. I don't see how she is nagging at him or demanding love from him. She has never hinted at that whatsoever

 

I think that some men do develop a problem with porn to where it takes over their functioning in real life. Monday is a great example of how this works. I can't believe that some of you are blaming her for this! I mean, maybe sometimes it is partly the wife or girlf's fault where the man does not want to be intimate with her, or whatever - but Monday doesn't seem to be that sort of wife, and neither does this lady.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by Monday

If you can check the history, then you're forced to realize that he's fantasizing about a porn slut, while he's banging you from behind

 

Forced to realize? That implies the scenario you've suggested is the unshakable truth. So that means you can prove it, right? Sweet. I'm dying to know how you managed to tap into your husband's innermost thoughts, during sex no less, and found out exactly what was going through his head at the time.

 

I mean, it's not as if you could just be guessing...

 

 

This is the sort of thing I'm talking about, when I suggest to you ladies that maybe you're overreacting a little. BTW, Monday, I know your situation is different than most, and your husband actually has some issues. Not debating that. What I'm pointing out is that it seems like a lot of women in situations not even half as bad, are doing the same thing you just demonstrated. Getting insecure and thinking up the worst case scenario, when it comes to your man's motives/rationale for jerking off (or anything else in life), and labelling it as "The Truth" without any actual proof, isn't very fair at all.

 

I know I'd hate it if someone was mad at me over what they thought I was thinking/feeling. But that's just me.