I don't feel right in my head anymore, does this pass?

[kieraglass]

I posted a few months back about getting pregnant by my MM, and the disaster that ensued in my marriage, and in my life. I told my husband, my marriage ended, and i moved in with my mother. It was the worst time of my life. The baby came prematurely, and died in august. I delivered alone. MM wasn't there. I just posted about this in the thread "what is the worst thing your MM has ever done to you", and I suppose I feel extremely triggered.

 

I'm divorced now. My husband was an ogre, and I've never missed him, or regretting coming clean and trying to give that baby a shot.

 

But the MM? Who swore this was a blessing and was going to leave, too, by september?

 

He's still there. No one in his life knows a thing.

 

My entire world knew. I was honest with everyone.

 

After we visited the funeral home to set up the cremation, he told me, four to six months. Moved the timeline ahead from end of summer to february. THAT DAY. It was shocking.

 

I guess he knew the pressure was off.

 

Of course I knew what he was doing, even as I sat there bleeding into the huge hospital pads they'd given me to take home. I knew he was buying time.

 

Of course, nothing has happened. It's may now, and I've been alone since I left my home pregnant and terrified a year ago. He told me fruday, maybe by August things will be different. I said little. That will be a year since the death of our son.

 

He despises his wife. They have an entirely sexless marriage. I know this to be true. No subterfuge. It's true.

 

She's dominant and cruel. I've heard her speaking to him on the phone and cringed.

 

He says he's miserable.

 

But the last child graduates this week from highschool. I imagine that is key? Why he's waffled?

 

Why do they never leave, when they feel such love? This man ADORES me. There is no doubt. He even joined my gym last month to be near me, and drives an hour plus round trip at 5 am to work out with me. No kidding. He loves me. Does whatever he can to be with me. But.

 

He's still there, keeping me a dark secret, after everything I've given up for him. I left, under the worst possible circumstances. I've been divorced since October.

 

I do not understand his cowardice. His placing a seventeen year old kid on a pedestal when my seven year old went through sudden hell over all this.

 

Are they really this selfish and scared and effed up?

 

I cant believe I've stayed with this man. We were supposed to be together now with our five month old son.

 

Are women just...inherently braver??

 

I'm horrified, and confused.

 

I feel like I will never be happy again.

[Minnie09]

Sorry this happened to you. Yes, I do think that women are inherently braver when it comes to that. In addition to that, women place more importance on their emotional status quo than men do. Men tend to place more importance on their lifestyle. Which is why I believe that they would stay in an unhappy marriage just for the social status, and for what they have, and for the money. And in order to avoid conflict. Many men are wired that way. Some women are, too, but if you want to do a direct comparison between men and women I have to say that in my experience MOST women are ready to pull the plug when it's time. Men are more reluctant. There are more willing to wait it out. They're more willing to supplement and unhappy M, and unhappy sex life, by having an affair or looking for other outlets. They are more willing to let other people make the decision. Which equals to the W, or the mistress, making the decision FOR THEM by coming clean or by filing for divorce etc. why I don't know. It must be genetic. Since men make decisions all the time in business. Which is not so typical for women, if you look at the big picture. But for some weird reason, when it comes to relationships, men are unable to make decisions. As soon as the decision is made by the wife or the mistress, they are equally happy. For them it seems to be a "whatever" kind of situation. Married or not, divorced or not, shared parenting or not, living with the mistress or not, everything is fine with me. Don't ask me why men think that way, but in my experience they do. Sometimes it seems to me that they just can't be bothered. Whatever makes them feel comfortable is what they are pursuing. Passively. And if this is just an "I don't want to make a decision" kind of situation, and if that's what makes them comfortable, ie NOT making a decision whatsoever, then that's exactly what they're pursuing. Mistress or not.

[Josmatjes]

I'm so sorry for everything. But I have to ask you... Why would you want him now anyway? He showed you his true colors! You need to completely get him out of your life. He has been lieing to you all along, and I'm betting things arent that bad at home. He is a cruel awful person to do this to you. Do you go to a therapist? Please gain strength and block him in every avenue possible. He is a bad person!

[Hope Shimmers]

I posted a few months back about getting pregnant by my MM, and the disaster that ensued in my marriage, and in my life. I told my husband, my marriage ended, and i moved in with my mother. It was the worst time of my life. The baby came prematurely, and died in august. I delivered alone. MM wasn't there. I just posted about this in the thread "what is the worst thing your MM has ever done to you", and I suppose I feel extremely triggered.

 

OMG, this EXACT SAME thing happened to me. Except I am single.

 

This cheating lying CREEP does NOT adore you. Men who adore you do NOT leave you alone in the hospital to deliver their child prematurely and then deal with the child's death alone. PLEASE realize that.

[Josmatjes]

I'm sorry if I sounded mean but him going to your gym and working out with you doesn't excuse what he did while you were in the hospital. Can you not see that? You lost your baby and where was he? You sound like a nice person so I wish you only the best but you need to treat yourself good ....

[HappyAgain2014]

Thoughtfully.... He doesn't have to leave. You've shown you'll accept him not being there in the worst of times. He has no incentive.

[Sassy Girl]

Your story is truly heartbreaking.

 

Gently, this isn't love. This is cruel. This man is a spineless selfish coward. You deserve better then this .. You do!

 

I remember your previous thread. You were so heartbroken and you gave up everything for empty car sex. He wouldn't even fork out to treat you properly. People who love and respect you don't treat you like that.

 

He is never leaving. He loves himself more than anyone else. Put yourself first. You have so much grief it comes through your posts.

 

You only have one life. Don't waste another single second being someone's dirty secret. There's so much more out there for you if you want it.

[Josmatjes]

Happy is right! We teach people how to treat us,and we let them know what we will accept. You went through an awful experience and he abandoned you, yet you forgave him. What does that say to him? What does that tell him what you think of yourself? That you aren't worthy of this mans respect?

 

The more chances you give someone the less respect they will have for you. They aren't afraid to lose you because no matter what they know you won't walk away.he got comfortable. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you.

 

You can correct this, by holding your head up high and saying, ENOUGH, and then close that door!!

[endingpage]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby.

 

But this man does not love you. He can say all the things he wants, but that was a time you really needed him to be there and he couldn't be there for you. I hope you realize that.

 

Get angry! You deserve better than this loser. You're single now; go and find a nice single man to treat you right. There will be someone out there who will love you and do anything for your love, but it isn't this guy.

 

He doesn't leave because he doesn't want to. Anyone can leave. He doesn't want to. You leave him first and never give him a second thought.

[Grapesofwrath]

Kiera: First, I am so terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your son. There is nothing more painful than the loss of a child. If you can endure that pain, you can endure anything. You possess incredible strength and bravery. Please remember that about yourself.

 

Second, I would suggest that he does not love you in the way you deserve to be loved. He loves you when it works for him, but he doesn't really adore you. He does what is best for him. A man who adores a woman does not abandon her voluntarily to deliver their premature child alone. He just doesn't. He figures out a way to be with her, no matter what it takes. Hell...even a man who doesn't adore a woman figures out a way to be there when she delivers their child. It's just the human thing to do.

 

Please, please, please walk away from this person. He is, among other things, a coward, a weakling, and a heel. His future is not your concern.

[whatatangledweb]

He stays because he wants to. Why do you stay with him? He keeps putting you off and he was not there for you when you needed him most > How long will you wait for this magical day that he will finally leave? You need to start living and stop waiting. You deserve so much more than you have now.

[Tayla]

Please get therapy and read up on martyrdom. This is eerily textbook .

 

You're post is an eye opener, lets hope its a lesson learned to stay away from married men.

[GirlStillStrong]

There are plenty of reasons people do not leave their unhappy marriages. People don't like change. Men especially. Many don't like confrontation. Some feel guilt or obligation. Separation and divorce is very disruptive. Contentious divorce is even worse. Many people are worried about what others will think, or think of them. Many don't want to break up their families. Some are afraid they can't take care of their own selves one way or another. It's EASY to complain about your spouse. It's EASY to talk about leaving. It's EASY to dream of or want to separate and divorce. Actually going through with it is a whole other story.

[bentleychic]

I have no advice, but I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.

[Hope Shimmers]

Kiera: First, I am so terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your son. There is nothing more painful than the loss of a child. If you can endure that pain, you can endure anything. You possess incredible strength and bravery. Please remember that about yourself.

 

Second, I would suggest that he does not love you in the way you deserve to be loved. He loves you when it works for him, but he doesn't really adore you. He does what is best for him. A man who adores a woman does not abandon her voluntarily to deliver their premature child alone. He just doesn't. He figures out a way to be with her, no matter what it takes. Hell...even a man who doesn't adore a woman figures out a way to be there when she delivers their child. It's just the human thing to do.

 

Please, please, please walk away from this person. He is, among other things, a coward, a weakling, and a heel. His future is not your concern.

 

Please listen to this kiera. I know exactly how you feel, because I made excuses for him afterward too. But that is what you are doing - making excuses. There is NO excuse for him leaving you alone to deliver your child prematurely and deal with the aftermath. I may be the person here who can relate to you the most because I went through that exact same thing. I think I remember your previous thread now.

 

I will never, ever forget that dark room and that day. I will never forget the most intense feeling of being alone and devastated as I was that day. There is NO excuse under the sun for anyone to have to go through that alone just because the father wants to live in denial and has better things to do.

 

If for no other reason, do it for your child. That baby deserved SO much better than this. Please make sure that this man gets wiped out of your life, for the sake of your son.

 

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

[Josmatjes]

There are plenty of reasons people do not leave their unhappy marriages. People don't like change. Men especially. Many don't like confrontation. Some feel guilt or obligation. Separation and divorce is very disruptive. Contentious divorce is even worse. Many people are worried about what others will think, or think of them. Many don't want to break up their families. Some are afraid they can't take care of their own selves one way or another. It's EASY to complain about your spouse. It's EASY to talk about leaving. It's EASY to dream of or want to separate and divorce. Actually going through with it is a whole other story.

 

This is so true!

[Mazerati]

Please listen to this kiera. I know exactly how you feel, because I made excuses for him afterward too. But that is what you are doing - making excuses. There is NO excuse for him leaving you alone to deliver your child prematurely and deal with the aftermath. I may be the person here who can relate to you the most because I went through that exact same thing. I think I remember your previous thread now.

 

I will never, ever forget that dark room and that day. I will never forget the most intense feeling of being alone and devastated as I was that day. There is NO excuse under the sun for anyone to have to go through that alone just because the father wants to live in denial and has better things to do.

 

If for no other reason, do it for your child. That baby deserved SO much better than this. Please make sure that this man gets wiped out of your life, for the sake of your son.

 

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

 

I too am so sorry for your many losses, please trust these posters, they have been there and understand.

It is very disturbing, and there is absolutely no excuse none for what you went through. None.

You will get through this, listen and learn.

You will find the strength, you will.

And through that strength you will have happiness.

 

You will.

[Hope Shimmers]

Are women just...inherently braver??

 

Yes.

 

Ten characters

[GypsumSatellite]

My heart goes out to your Kiera. You did the right thing in coming clean to your H, trying to live honestly to all around you and attempting to do right by your child. I empathize with your loss and hope you are getting all the support possible around you by professionals and family alike. You deserve comfort and peace in a time like this. You DESERVE it.

 

Let me repeat that: YOU DESERVE IT.

 

Your MM is not leaving because he has and had no incentive to leave - no one knows about the EMR, the baby, nothing. Therefore, no one is putting a fire under his butt to change his behavior. NO matter what his W sounds like on the phone - there's a reason for it. She's tired of the behaviors you are beginning to see that lead her to those shrill tones and cruel words. He won't leave her because he's getting something he needs there. Conflict, drama, a familial presence - whatever feeds his ego. It doesn't have to be about sex for him to stay. They can be sexless and he can still be satisfied with something... maybe he even loves the control he has over that small world at home.

 

He will never love or take care of you the way a man who really wants the best for you will. I know, that's a divisive thing to say in an OW/OM forum, but his actions do speak volumes here. You were emotionally ready to leave your M the moment you made the decision to be with your MM. Your MM did not see it that way. He knew he'd never have to make a choice on whether he stayed or left because he was always going to stay. Not even a child on the way with you made him want to come clean - that's very telling on him. Most fathers-to-be are crowing and getting ready for a new life, even MMs who truly desire that life with their OW... they get jazzed. They get ready to provide. They make arrangements.

 

And all you got was crickets. Kiera, let that be your wake up call. He's out for himself. You need to be looking out for yourself. It's going to take time but you need to edge him out of your life. He's not the one who gets your precious heart. You're free and clear of marital obligations and that means he can't afford your company anymore.

 

Work with a therapist on getting out of this relationship with him. You're going to need a lot of strength to realize how much you need to leave him. He is not good for your esteem, your well-being... please get angry enough to see this and seek this help out. Please, please see that you don't want him to leave his M - he is not good enough for you.

[Southern Sun]

Kieraglass, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

He has it made right now. No one is requiring him to make any hard choices. He gets to keep things the way they are at home AND have you on the side. He will continue to do it (just as he has proven it to you) until someone else draws a line.

 

This is a man with no integrity. The part that's hard is admitting it to yourself, having to reconcile the fact that you sacrificed for HIM, for that person who did less than NOTHING for you. It is so so painful to get to that point of acceptance, to realize how much you gave, how much you went through, for a person like this. But once you do, you can walk away free. And you WILL gain in the end.

 

I am hopeful for you.

[waterwoman]

So sorry to hear this Kiera xx What a coward!

 

All I will say is that of course he will favour his child over yours - that is simply human nature, However don't you think it's just an excuse?

 

You don't want someone 'adoring' you - that is what people do to film stars and statues of saints. It's great while all is well but as soon as you show your feet of clay the adoration fades. You rubbed his face in reality and he didn't like it

[Foodjunkie79]

This is truly awful!! I feel for you so much going through what you have. But its crystal clear this man is out for what he can get! I also had a MM who drove over 100 miles to be with me....you should read my post and the responses.......has been a massive eye opener! Do not further waste your time or emotional energy on someone who treats you this way! Your wasting precious time......time you could be living and meeting other people. All he is doing is draining you, making you doubt, making you have to second guess all the time.....do you really want this for another plus years? x

[still_an_Angel]

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Kiera, but now is the time to close this sad and turbulent time of your life, you need to get yourself out of this relationship and move on. I think you know deep in your heart, he will never leave, and this is holding you back from progressing with your life. You cannot save him, and he will sink your boat as well.

 

 

It is one of the saddest events in one's life to loose a child, and he abandoned you during the time you needed him most. That rat does not deserve to even kiss your feet! I have not experienced the loss of a child but I have first hand experience with abandonment. I had 2 children under the age of 5 when my stbxh abandoned me and fled to Australia. It will get better, just get your head back in the game.

 

 

Love yourself first Kiera, nobody else will. And this MM who has professed his undying love for you has already proven that when it comes to the crunch, his love has flown out the window even before the first tears came to your eyes. Wake up girl, you have more power in you and you will get through this, but you need to get rid of this black, negative and troublesome burden in your life. There is so much more out there for you.

 

 

((hugs)) Angel

[Poppy47]

Kiera,

 

My heart aches for you.

 

This piece of garbage left you alone at the most terrible critical time in your life without accepting responsibility. What kind of love do you call that? I am saying this very gently for you to think about.

 

Men will do extreme things to get what they want. Driving to your gym does not mean that he loves you. He sees it as a strategy to impress you and keep you from making anymore inconvenient demands on him. Don't be fooled.

 

He is keeping you as his fall back plan for when it suits him.

 

Please weigh up the way he has treated you all along. He is never going to leave his comfortable life for you.

 

I cannot understand why you are not revolted by being in his presence . He failed to treat you with dignity and respect. He failed to honour the death of his child. Surely that would ruin any future relationship ? How could you ever want him to touch you again?

 

Warm wishes,

 

Poppy.

[Popsicle]

You just got a glimpse of what kind of person he is and what it would be like to be married to him.

 

Let him go, and be glad you dodged a bullet.