I don't feel right in my head anymore, does this pass?

[minimariah]

Why do they never leave, when they feel such love? This man ADORES me. There is no doubt. He even joined my gym last month to be near me, and drives an hour plus round trip at 5 am to work out with me. No kidding. He loves me. Does whatever he can to be with me.

 

okay... so 2 things happened.

1. he left you all by yourself while you went through such a heartbreaking period of your life -- the death of your child. 2. he joined your gym.

 

some folks would look at #1 & come up with one simple conclusion - that's not love. you chose to focus on #2 & came up with a completely different conclusion - that's love.

 

why is that? what made you think that THIS is how love is supposed to look like? why are such irrelevant and insignificant things as joining your gym some kind of proof of his love... but a MAJOR thing as you going through the death of your child -- isn't? why do you choose to focus on smaller things and playing blind to all of the big ones?

 

you remind me a lot of my friend - her husband was beating her, hard. but at the same time, he was doing a lot of lovely things for her - showered her with attention, gifts, love... it was like Jekyll & Hyde - and she NEEDED to believe in that love to be true -- so she could survive. because she wasn't ready to admit the truth... that would mean that the entire pain would've been in vain. & i think you're in that same phase. admitting that this isn't love, that this man doesn't love you... you're not ready. hopefully you will be once the children are gone and he still chooses to stay.

 

you deserve better than this man and even more importantly - you deserve a better idea & definition of love. love is putting someone else's needs before your own - this man failed to do that.

 

where there is true & honest love... there is no cowardice and selfishness. remember that. people leave their spouses for someone else -- every single day. with pregnant BSs, with small children, with no money... if THEY can - why can't your lover?

[Cinnimon]

I'm sorry about all that you are and have been going through.

I'm just going to be blunt: you want to see how much he really loves you? Drop him cold on his a$$! Leave him in his " miserable " marriage and disappear. He will either grow some balls and get a divorce or he will stay there with his tail between his legs and be " miserable ", but you won't be miserable with him.

I would imagine losing a child had to had been the hardest thing you've had to deal with, loosing this piece of work coward should be a walk in the park compared to losing your son.

You've seen first hand that life is precious, don't waste yours waiting on a lying, cheating coward!

Hugs

[minime13]

My condolences over your loss. That is a tough cross to bear.

 

I almost feel bad for what I am about to say, knowing what kind of grief you are going through, although I feel that grief is what is keeping you from looking at this clearly.

 

What you are describing is not love. It is manipulation at its finest (and worst, really). Someone that loves another does not act like this. This is a very skewed view of love that you have, to insist that he loves you. He does not. He wasn't there for you or his child when you needed him to be there - how cruel and horrible for him to do this. He doesn't deserve any more of your time, attention, or thought.

 

What you need to do is allow yourself to heal from this traumatic event. It's going to take a lot of time and agonizing over this loss, PLUS the loss of this jerk will be too much to endure. One thing at a time - based on importance. You are the most important here, so please take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of your child. Don't let him take that from you, too.

[MuddyRock]

His wife talks to him that way because he deserves it. You would be talking to him the same way in a few years. She dominates him because if she doesn't the wuss won't do anything on his own. You should really realize this by now. He is not unhappy because of her, he has created this and he will turn you into her by nessesity. Please don't make her a villain that is him.

[Spark1111]

I am sorry for the loss of your son, truly, but if I were your favorite Aunt, I would ask: Aren't there any nice guys working out at that gym?

 

You are out of a loveless marriage and have a seven year old to raise. You have the support of your family. Those are some blessings.

 

I predict your soon to be xMM will not leave when his son goes off to HS, and to be very blunt here, he may be meeting you at the gym of all places so NO other younG man approaches you!

 

He doesn't want you, not for the long haul, i believe he doesn't want anyone else to have a chance with you. MY GAWD, the nerve.

 

RUN to a new gym and start entertaining some new suitors.

[kieraglass]

First, I want to thank everyone for your responses last week. Thank you so much. They made so much sense.

 

I said goodbye today, quite out of the blue. I got....angry. Fr the first time, it was real, real anger, not the little outbursts I've had on him that I apologized for immediately, not just under the breath sarcasm. It was RAGE.

 

Last year, on memorial day, I discovered i was pregnant by him. I had been out grocery shopping with my then six year old and I felt funny. I knew my period was a little late. And suddenly, in that store, I knew. Grabbed a test. Came home. And as my son and husband were chatting in the kitchen putting away the groceries, I peed on that stick and my world went upside down. When I called him, saying it was urgent, in the voice mail, he had to make an excuse to leave his family cookout to call me back. He was calm, gentle, happy, stunned. Supportive. He said this would give us an even greater chance at happiness, and to stop crying. He was there for me, he said. He loved me with all his heart and we would have this child and be together.

 

Some of you know my story, what happened. I won't be redundant.

 

Yesterday was memorial day. It was heavily on my mind, last year, how everything changed. I hadn't seen him since friday. We never see each other on weekends. It's wife's time. And yesterday, with the holiday, wouldn't be seeing him either.

 

I'd been terribly lonely all weekend, my son with his dad. Down. And yesterday, my first text said, "Happy Memorial day. Here's to a better one this year. "

 

He wrote back that he hoped it would be, and like 9/11, he remembers exactly where he was and what he was doing last memorial day when he got the call.

 

Then he said, "Only call today if you want a S'more. "

 

He made a joke. About that call I had to make a year ago memorial day, my hands trembling, bawling in my car...he made a joke.

 

I was appalled. By the whole, I'm with my family having smores subtext, as well.

 

I went silent. He apologized for being flippant, saud he was just being funny...

 

I told him no worries, when i think of everything I went through now, I feel nothing at all. Say what you like. It doesn't matter.

 

Of course, I was fronting, but I was so...hurt. Just entirely weirded out.

 

We didn't text much during the day. The lock on my storage space was rusted shut hours later, and I asked if I could borrow bolt cutters later this week. I have everything I own in storage. I have for a year. He replied certainly, maybe try wd40. He was very cold. I knew I was being punished for daring say something about what I went through, for alluding to it earlier.

 

Last night, he said goodnight hours of silence later, and he was cold again. I let loose on him by text. Told him he treats me like sh! t.

 

I was so upset about the day's anniversary, how my life has been such a mess now for a year, how i can't seem to get back on my feet, how I'm so at loose ends still. And I lashed out at him. Said, simply, I can't believe how he treats me, silence, punishing me for daring say a simple thing earlier....on yesterday of all days. How much it hurt.

 

He replied that he felt I'd been cold, in that "I feel very little" response, and that I seemed like I needed "space."

 

The last thing I needed yesterday was space.

 

I went to bed enraged, for the first time, seeing everything so clearly. How he's strung me along and leaves me to silences when he's uncomfortable with being faced with my truth, how a simple heartfelt text about what happened can send him running....

 

I woke up and we exchanged heated texts. His last one?

 

"I can't do anything right by you anymore it seems. I go above and beyond to spend every possible spare moment I have with you, and still, it is not enough."

 

Well, folks, I LOST it. Lost it.

 

I said,

 

" Our son's name was caden -------. I named him after you. He was ten inches long. I spent fifteen minutes screaming, trying to hold him in, and he died between my legs. I gave up everything I had to bring him into this world, because he was a part of you, and i could not hurt him, erase him. I wore that scarlet A and I bore this all. For you, and for him.

 

That, my friend, is above and beyond.

 

Don't talk to me about your f----ing above and beyond.

 

I am a f ----ing queen.

 

Goodbye. "

 

And then I burst into tears.

 

He never responded. I knew he wouldn't. It's been six hours.

 

I'd give anything to have back my old life, my home, my ex, despite his emotional abuse. I felt like a human being then, like I has purpose, and direction. I was with my first grader every day.

 

There's nothing here, now. My little boy is gone half the week. I'm alone constantly. And thus man, who professes to adore me, has left me to it all. Because I let him.

 

I really feel my rage is different this time. When I finally checked my phone and saw he did not even respond, I felt nothing.

 

I would give anything to have had that child. My ex had a vasectomy behind my back when my seven year old was an infant...i wanted to be a mother to a baby again in the worst way.

 

It's been months now, and still, I'm reeling. I can't believe any if this is real.

 

I think back to that horrific day a year ago, crying on the phone, and how calm and kind he was to me. How I believed every word he said.

 

And I am amazed.

 

I can't get over this man. This time.

 

I want to so badly.

 

I want to be who I was before. To have never met him.

 

I want him.

 

I want the him that I thought he was. The man on the phone last memorial day. I love this man, that man, with all my heart.

 

I'm so ashamed. I don't even feel like my rage is justifiable right now. I did, but now, I'm faltering. I'm embarrassed. I feel like I hurt him, lashing out. Like I ended it. I didn't ever want this to end.

 

This is not okay. Any of it. I'm in my car at work with tears running down my face.

 

This morning, for a little while, I was a queen.

Edited May 26, 2015 by kieraglass

[cocorico]

Kiera, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. Why should you settle for his "spare" moments? What an insult! You invested every fibre of your being, and the best he can do is "spare moments"? You have every reason to rage. You and the memory of your son deserve so much more than that!

[goodyblue]

What you did today was very brave and I am so proud of you. Hold your head high.

[gettingstronger]

I wish you much peace and healing

[truncated]

Your story is so sad. It must have been awful to lose a child that way, and I can only imagine how painful it would have been to go through that alone.

 

What a schmuck he is treating you the way he is.

 

I'm not trying to be rude, bt what is it that you see in him? You sound like you have a good heart, but what does he bring to the table for you?

 

If you had to describe his faults vs his strengths, what would they be?

[kieraglass]

He makes me laugh, he makes me laugh every day. He's kind and gentle and calm. I've never seen him explode. On me, most importantly, but I've seen him baited in public, a parking valet mouthing off, etc, and he's so dignified. So calm. Collected.

 

He moves me, with his quiet dignity. He's sophisticated. Educated. Obsessed, like myself, with world affairs. A news junkie. We're always sending each other stories.

 

He treats everyone with respect, even people who can do nothing for him. I always watch for that in people.

 

He's silly. Goofy at times. Irreverent. A sophisticated dignity one minute, busting me up laughing the next with antics.

 

He is very loving. Tells me as ll the time what I mean. Always. Very open that way. Romantic.

 

I really love him. I'm forty three. I've never met anyone like him. In the three years I've known him, he's never stopped blowing my mind.

 

 

 

Weaknesses?

 

He punishes me with silence when i displease him. It was bad enough before, married, but the past year, alone and feeling so broken down, after the baby, it feels like torture. He went NC on me a few weeks after it happened, I Forget how I'd made him upset, said something, something to do with what happened, I suppose, and in those two days I nearly fell apart. I was post partum, for sure, my body and hormones crashing, and I didn't sleep or eat. I wept endlessly from Sunday to Wednesday, when we finally spoke. I sincerely fell apart. I slept holding the ashes in my fist under my pillow. I was really far gone. Just...devastated. I didn't realize how awful it was until afterwards, my emotional state. I look back now, and think, how could he DO that to me? So soon afterwards? Punish me? Leave me reeling?

 

He's done it since, but that time, I reacted the worst.

 

If I displease him, usually by "pushing", and with that, I mean my sarcasm. I never ask him to be with me, to leave. Not ever. I will not be that person. But sometimes my sarcasm bleeds out. It's passive aggressive. I don't like it in myself.

 

When he goes silent and punishes me, it's usually because I've made some comment sarcastically, or because I've broken down and cried about the baby. It is rare for me to do. I kero it all in. But every few months, every two or three, I can't hold it in and I let go. Tell him how i hurt, how lonely I am. What have you.

 

He retaliates by going silent.

 

Often for a couple of days.

 

It breaks me.

 

Anytime I speak up, he goes away.

 

This time, I said goodbye first. I've never done this. I torched the barn.

 

I'm tired.

 

I can't be this thing anymore. Two hour sally. A movie, a drive thru coffee, then goodbye, over and over. Watching him go home to dinner with his wife. Watching him look at his watch, always so careful about her.

 

Once, a month after the baby, we were walking through the parkinglot, headed into Barnes and Noble at the mall, and he said, " If i see anyone I know, I'll say 'omaha. That means paratroopers over the side."

 

As in, get lost.

 

I was so angry by the time we hit the doors, I was almost shaking. Omaha? Go away?

 

I just lost our child.

 

I love him. I do. But today, fir the first time in threecyears, I have two adjectives in my head.

 

Arrogant.

 

Entitled.

 

 

I find him very arrogant. It's as if he thinks he is very, very special. And thereby, his life, is very very special.

 

Mine, not so much, but his?

 

It must be preserved. Ruse that it is, it must be defended, upheld, and preserved.

 

He has an image to keep up.

 

Perfect dad, perfect husband, perfect corporate CEO, the envy of everyone.

 

He will lose me because of this fear of being authentic. God forbid he have chinks in his armor for others to see. A divorce?

 

What will people think?

 

Also, I'm pretty sure he loves his wife. He swears he never has, but the woken up me knows nobody makes it twenty eight years without a modicum of love.

 

If he didn't love her, I'd be with him after all that's happened. He saw me suffering so very, very much, taking this bullet for his dumb a--, and he stayed.

 

 

He loves her, and lies to me about it.

 

I'll list that under flaws.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm just a lay. I must be. I know he loves me, but....I'm seeing what I must be to him.

 

He cheated on his wife repeatedly before marriage. Like, A LOT. He was early twenties, but when I say excessive, think, one woman a day on a week long business trip. Think, ten women seven days.

 

I learned this last week. I'm still surprised. It was years and years ago, but....it made me so very, very sad. It was two weeks before their wedding.

 

It disturbs me. I don't even know why.

 

Maybe it was how little he felt, telling me. It was as if he was bragging.

 

I saw no shame, no guilt. He was almost laughing. Amused. Said he couldnt believe he was telling me. He'd told no one. I asked him why on earth he went through with the wedding, and he said, I guess I just go along with things.

 

Arrogant.

 

It's a word in my head today.

 

In three years, I never thought this. It's out of the blue.

[Noideanow]

This type of man (m&m), the modern man, as if they never have grown up, still little boys depending on other people for their survival, hence worries about what others think. As if they Cannot in this society stand totally on their Own legs and catch their own fish and feel freedom and leadership in their own life, beatifully written kieraglass:lmao:

[Sassy Girl]

Silent treatment is also a form of emotional abuse: designed to keep you in check and control you. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your son. That must have been so hard.

 

You are amazingly brave. Good things are in store for you once you cut out this toxic relationship.

 

Wishing you peace and healing.

[whichwayisup]

You love him but you know what? He's a selfish cruel toxic person who puts himself first above everybody else.

 

Congrats on blowing up on him, reading what how he's treated you, shame on him.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, condolences. I wish you peace and freedom from him. He doesn't deserve your heart or your kindness!

[davidromero43]

I'd give anything to have back my old life, my home, my ex, despite his emotional abuse. I felt like a human being then, like I has purpose, and direction. I was with my first grader every day.

 

Maybe it is time to focus on just you. Focus on what you want. Not anything to do with him. Focus on giving your life purpose and direction again. Stop waiting to live your life.

[truncated]

Op,

 

If I could hug you right now, i would.

 

You say he is calm, respects everyone, etc, yet the person he should be respecting, the person he says he loves , he is showing zero respect to. You deserve so much better.

 

I'm not surprised when you say that you nearly fell apart. You just lost your child, and though you never got the gift of being able watch your little boy grow up, you are his mom none the less, and you are grieving.

 

 

He should at least have the decency to support you through that, if not for you, then for his son.

[MuddyRock]

I can't figure out how you don't blow up his smug world. I would find a way to tell his wife but I'm vindictive.

[viciouscircle]

He doesn't treat you with respect, I truly hope you break it off with him and be done with this man.

 

 

You are the "convenience" package to him. He is cold, calculating and manipulative getting only what he wants. You aren't the priority and never have been and never will be.

 

 

Its time you start living a life for you, not waiting for him. You have sacrificed too much for him and the illusion he has cast over you. Its time to start creating a new life and future.

 

 

You need to get some emotional detachment from him and see this situation for what it is, not what you want it to be. You deserve better than this and you will never get it from him.

[jwi71]

I'm pretty sure I'm just a lay. I must be. I know he loves me, but....I'm seeing what I must be to him.

 

I think you need to seriously examine the above. And LS is not the forum for that. If you are not in IC get there pronto. If you are, print this and show it to your IC and discuss.

 

This man clearly DOES NOT LOVE YOU. His actions prove that out.

 

When you are feeling a bit stronger, not now, defend that statement to yourself - very much like you have done in the rest of that post. His actions that say he loves you...and those actions refuting that.

 

No man, loving a woman, would EVER treat her so. Period.

 

We cannot undo the past but we can begin to untangle its grip upon us. Every day you give him is one less you have for yourself. And the little you post prove he isn't worhty of a second of your time.

 

Again, IC and pronto. Your xH was abusive and clearly this man is too. First question, when stronger, why are you attracted to men who abuse you. Break that cycle (provided one exists).

[norudder]

Good for you for not letting him dismiss or diminish you, your experience or feelings. Don't backpedal! I wish I had left things on a note with more self respect than I did. After everything you've been through I imagine you must be emotionally exhausted and fed up with his contradictions. That amount of very real pain must cut through the illusions. You went to hell and back and made that journey on your own. How could you not be a different person now. How could there not be a world between you two now. The rage will help loosen the positive feelings that seem so damn sticky.

[norudder]

First, I want to thank everyone for your responses last week. Thank you so much. They made so much sense.

 

I said goodbye today, quite out of the blue. I got....angry. Fr the first time, it was real, real anger, not the little outbursts I've had on him that I apologized for immediately, not just under the breath sarcasm. It was RAGE.

 

Last year, on memorial day, I discovered i was pregnant by him. I had been out grocery shopping with my then six year old and I felt funny. I knew my period was a little late. And suddenly, in that store, I knew. Grabbed a test. Came home. And as my son and husband were chatting in the kitchen putting away the groceries, I peed on that stick and my world went upside down. When I called him, saying it was urgent, in the voice mail, he had to make an excuse to leave his family cookout to call me back. He was calm, gentle, happy, stunned. Supportive. He said this would give us an even greater chance at happiness, and to stop crying. He was there for me, he said. He loved me with all his heart and we would have this child and be together.

 

Some of you know my story, what happened. I won't be redundant.

 

Yesterday was memorial day. It was heavily on my mind, last year, how everything changed. I hadn't seen him since friday. We never see each other on weekends. It's wife's time. And yesterday, with the holiday, wouldn't be seeing him either.

 

I'd been terribly lonely all weekend, my son with his dad. Down. And yesterday, my first text said, "Happy Memorial day. Here's to a better one this year. "

 

He wrote back that he hoped it would be, and like 9/11, he remembers exactly where he was and what he was doing last memorial day when he got the call.

 

Then he said, "Only call today if you want a S'more. "

 

He made a joke. About that call I had to make a year ago memorial day, my hands trembling, bawling in my car...he made a joke.

 

I was appalled. By the whole, I'm with my family having smores subtext, as well.

 

I went silent. He apologized for being flippant, saud he was just being funny...

 

I told him no worries, when i think of everything I went through now, I feel nothing at all. Say what you like. It doesn't matter.

 

Of course, I was fronting, but I was so...hurt. Just entirely weirded out.

 

We didn't text much during the day. The lock on my storage space was rusted shut hours later, and I asked if I could borrow bolt cutters later this week. I have everything I own in storage. I have for a year. He replied certainly, maybe try wd40. He was very cold. I knew I was being punished for daring say something about what I went through, for alluding to it earlier.

 

Last night, he said goodnight hours of silence later, and he was cold again. I let loose on him by text. Told him he treats me like sh! t.

 

I was so upset about the day's anniversary, how my life has been such a mess now for a year, how i can't seem to get back on my feet, how I'm so at loose ends still. And I lashed out at him. Said, simply, I can't believe how he treats me, silence, punishing me for daring say a simple thing earlier....on yesterday of all days. How much it hurt.

 

He replied that he felt I'd been cold, in that "I feel very little" response, and that I seemed like I needed "space."

 

The last thing I needed yesterday was space.

 

I went to bed enraged, for the first time, seeing everything so clearly. How he's strung me along and leaves me to silences when he's uncomfortable with being faced with my truth, how a simple heartfelt text about what happened can send him running....

 

I woke up and we exchanged heated texts. His last one?

 

"I can't do anything right by you anymore it seems. I go above and beyond to spend every possible spare moment I have with you, and still, it is not enough."

 

Well, folks, I LOST it. Lost it.

 

I said,

 

" Our son's name was caden -------. I named him after you. He was ten inches long. I spent fifteen minutes screaming, trying to hold him in, and he died between my legs. I gave up everything I had to bring him into this world, because he was a part of you, and i could not hurt him, erase him. I wore that scarlet A and I bore this all. For you, and for him.

 

That, my friend, is above and beyond.

 

Don't talk to me about your f----ing above and beyond.

 

I am a f ----ing queen.

 

Goodbye. "

 

And then I burst into tears.

 

He never responded. I knew he wouldn't. It's been six hours.

I'd give anything to have back my old life, my home, my ex, despite his emotional abuse. I felt like a human being then, like I has purpose, and direction. I was with my first grader every day.

 

There's nothing here, now. My little boy is gone half the week. I'm alone constantly. And thus man, who professes to adore me, has left me to it all. Because I let him.

 

I really feel my rage is different this time. When I finally checked my phone and saw he did not even respond, I felt nothing.

 

I would give anything to have had that child. My ex had a vasectomy behind my back when my seven year old was an infant...i wanted to be a mother to a baby again in the worst way.

 

It's been months now, and still, I'm reeling. I can't believe any if this is real.

 

I think back to that horrific day a year ago, crying on the phone, and how calm and kind he was to me. How I believed every word he said.

 

And I am amazed.

 

I can't get over this man. This time.

 

I want to so badly.

 

I want to be who I was before. To have never met him.

 

I want him.

 

I want the him that I thought he was. The man on the phone last memorial day. I love this man, that man, with all my heart.

 

I'm so ashamed. I don't even feel like my rage is justifiable right now. I did, but now, I'm faltering. I'm embarrassed. I feel like I hurt him, lashing out. Like I ended it. I didn't ever want this to end.

 

This is not okay. Any of it. I'm in my car at work with tears running down my face.

 

This morning, for a little while, I was a queen.

 

I wish my M had been good enough to go back to after starting to have that clarity. Just to have that normalcy again. Even though it wasn't a "good" normal. But isn't that what most the mm do, just stay for the status quo. I'm better than that. But damn if this authentic living hasn't been painful to do. I read Ditch that Jerk and found alot of similarities in exh and exmm that I didn't even realize were the same patterns. Not saying your situation is mine but I share some of your feelings and know its hard and lonely. I hope IC can help where LS can't. Wishing you strength and comfort.

[kieraglass]

I can't be this thing anymore, and I said goodbye. I've given him all I have. Everything. And he's bled me dry.

 

I'm on day two of NC after flipping my lid on him suddenly be text. All the sorrow and anger I've been carrying since the baby died in august just came flying out. I completely snapped. Some of you would say it's about time. I'm so sweet and passive. I always try to be soft for him, a our time is so limited. I try to keep the crazy from everything that happened down. I know he doesn't want me to go there, to remind him. I try very hard.

 

My question is, since exploding on him yesterday morning, I feel practically nauseous with anger. It's not dissipating. I suddenly saw what he let me go through, and how he still has everyone, and everything, and it was horrifying. I'm no matyr. I just didn't want to confront it.

 

Now that I have, I feel like the gaddam she hulk. I'm so very, very hurt and upset by him. All the emotions I didn't feel towards him, but should have, when he abandoned me that week. In and out of the ER for six days, misdiagnosed. He never came once. And he never came when it happened.

 

Honestly, I want to punch him in the face. Not very constructive, I know.

 

He's so smug, so entitled, so arrogant. I can't imagine how little he thinks of me, going along with this, forgiving him, staying completely available to him with my legs open these past none months as he sits back, the cock of his walk, luxuriate ng in the esteem of his family, friends, and colleagues.

 

I'm the whore who got knocked up from an affair. Everyone at work knew, too. And this em-effer wears a merit badge, to this day?

 

Has anyone experienced suppressed rage that comes out of nowhere?

 

I feel like tankgirl. I've gone overnight from being desperately in love with him, to the point of pitifulness, to Honestly wanting his junk to rot off. I'm so angry that he's the master of all he surveys, sitting back gloating, feasting, while I scrape by, having lost so many people's respect and caring. Last night I thought of my niece, who is thirteen, and lives overseas

I realized that because she is my exH's sisters child, I will never see her again. His family never spoke to me again, none of them. The day I divulged the pregnancy to H, people literally...disappeared. Poof. Just gone. It was like I stopped existing. The shame and fear all summer was so immense, there in my mother house. I would sit and talk to the baby. He kept me sane. When he died, I lost my friend. My rudder. I had taken it all on for him. With him gone these months, I feel so distracted and confused. And now, this awful, sudden rage.

 

MM sucks. MM is a coward.

 

I've never been this angry and awake in my life. I have an appt with my counselor next week. I'm afraid to walk around like this for that long. I literally want to smack his smug face. Shake him. Tell him how terribly he's hurt me, and my life. Tell himthat he's taken everything from me.

 

But....he didn't. This was my choice. To dacrifice for hid baby. And I need to remember that.

 

I can't fault him for not wanting to be with me. He does, but he's scared and selfish and wants it all.

 

I need to remember how paralyzing fear can be. I haven't felt it, or any other strong emotions, in so long. There's been....nothing. Just this numbness.

 

I almost like this new rage. It's a novelty.

[RoseVille]

I've gone through periods of anger, not quite rage. But I haven't experienced the horror you have, so your rage is totally understandable and warranted.

 

I think anger is healing. To hold on to anger is to drink poison and hope the other person dies from it. Gotta get all that pent up hurt out somehow, and rid yourself of the poison.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your words bring back those feelings in my own life, to the point where I actually feel like I'm reliving it a little.

 

You are at about the same point from the death of your child that I was when the rage started. I feel in your words exactly how I felt at the time. I RAGED at him for MONTHS. Years, even. I raged at him because he wasn't there, wouldn't acknowledge our daughter.

 

You know what... during that whole time, he would respond but ONLY to the points other than his daughter. He always just totally IGNORED that part - was just silent. Went on as if nothing happened, then addressed some other petty issue.

 

That made me rage even more.

 

It took years before he would acknowledge her. By then my anger was gone (and I will admit, that after that anger period I went through a long 'rationalization' period).

 

You are still grieving your son, and the loss of this man and your acknowledgment of his role (or lack thereof) in your son's birth and death and his inability and/or unwillingness to do ANYTHING to help you through this process. I would be worried if you were NOT raging.

 

It is a step that you need to go through to get out of it. Don't let it destroy you, though. This phase may last a long time. Remember and respect your son's memory; grieve his loss. Grieve all that you have lost. And then let this man go out of your head, just as you have let him go out of your life. I promise you that all is not lost, and you have life and happiness ahead.

[understand50]

kieraglass

 

Anyone who has given up everything as you did, and got nothing in return, should be angry and enraged. Don't let it consume you.

 

Sorry for the loss of your son, and what may have been. I hope you find the joy in your life, and wish you luck and in doing so.

2508