I don't feel right in my head anymore, does this pass?

[81West]

oh, there is -- being in love with a person who is in love with you too & who treats you with respect... like an actual human being.

 

every love story was "true" at some point.

 

Yes..that's what I meant. Sorry if I wasn't clear. I meant the period where you did feel loved and safe and respected. The memory of that sustains for too long sometimes in these situations. And every love story may have been "true" at some point, but not every story of love is a love story. Some truly are. That they were eventually squandered through accumulated human weakness doesn't make it less so.

[81West]

A large part of all affairs is fantasy.

 

They function as an escape or respite from an unhappy life in most cases.

 

But secretly, deep inside, both know that it's a fantasy.

 

Defending the fantasy and denying reality leads to incredible inner tension and conflict.

 

Both parties are pretending.

 

Thats the root of the problem.

 

I agree that they're often lived on borrowed reality. But that too is a decision somebody makes. I think your thoughts become the common retrospective for the failures, but I suspect that is driven as much by cognitive dissonance as any objective reality. The bright potential energy of every love story is always there. It eventually shifts to pooled courage and action or to, well, what you wrote.

[Satu]

I agree that they're often lived on borrowed reality. But that too is a decision somebody makes. I think your thoughts become the common retrospective for the failures, but I suspect that is driven as much by cognitive dissonance as any objective reality. The bright potential energy of every love story is always there. It eventually shifts to pooled courage and action or to, well, what you wrote.

 

It is 'as if' the affair exists in a separate reality, more real and intense than anything outside of it.

 

They are tales of 'star-crossed lovers.'

 

 

Romeo:

 

If I profane with my unworthiest hand

This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:

My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

 

Juliet:

 

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,

Which mannerly devotion shows in this;

For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,

And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

 

Romeo:

 

Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

 

Juliet:

 

Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

 

Romeo:

 

O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;

They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

 

Juliet:

 

Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

 

Romeo:

 

Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.

Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

 

Juliet:

 

Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

 

Romeo:

 

Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!

Give me my sin again.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was kind and calm and rational and we spoke for forty five minutes.

 

He told her the card was from the son of some woman he knows, that her little boy had a writing project at school and he decided to give it to him because he met him and liked him.

 

Wife said, well, she must like you, too.

 

He said, I guess, and said I was just some woman he knew, it was nothing, just a thing, no threat.

 

I was so, so calm and understanding. I was honest about what BS this is, and how it feels.

 

I didn't rage, as I wanted to, tell him off, rant. There's no point.

 

I see him.

 

He said he will come clean soon, that the kid is still there for a couple more months and it's not the time.

 

I said I implicitly understood, sure, sure. Yes, I get it.

 

I hung up pretty certain that he just changed it all, for good.

 

How cowardly and disgusting.

 

There was no point in rage.

 

Like my counselor said, I can't expect him to get anything, to give me what I deserve after all this pain he's put me through. She said it's like going to Sears expecting to buy milk. It ain't gonna happen.

 

I'm not debasing myself by trying to reason with a coward, a cad. It's a complete waste of breath.

 

I think he might be a bit mental. Telling me, me of all people, how he denied me, and my little boy, giving me details.

 

I see him. He's a cold, selfish SOB.

 

He and his sexless marriage, his quarter century "practically a roommate situation", deserve each other.

 

May they get adjoining plots.

 

This sh*t is entirely sick.

 

I feel very removed and unemotional and detached from him. I see him so clearly. And I'm glad.

 

Doesn't sound like it.

 

Sounds like repressed rage to me.

 

And he has no idea because you're "so cool" about it like detached woman on the side would be.

 

And you hate his wife too. Because you blame her partly for how he treats you.

 

I hope that you wake up and see that you are investing in your own soul's demise.

 

Did your father deny your existence or feelings?

[truncated]

Op,

I know you don't want to hear it, but he doesn't love you and he certainly does not value your relationship. If he did, he would have used this as an opportunity to come clean with his wife and begin the process of ending his marriage.

 

He didn't do that. Instead, he chose to lie and put in in the place of "just some woman".

 

Don't let him do that. you are romanticizing a situation that is as prosaic as they come. He's a coward, nothing more.

 

As for his wife, don't lash out at her. because he chose his marriage. She's being hurt and lied to by him, and that is what you need to keep in mind. the way he is treating her is showing you who he really is, and all his allegations of a loveless, sexless marriage are just that, allegations. His marriage is good enough and giving him enough that he is willing to throw you under the bus to maintain it.

 

He knows that if he came clean to her, she might leave, and notice how he isn't doing that? he's doing his best to hide you from her.

[Satu]

Some people can't differentiate between love and other forms of attachment.

 

*Attachment, need, desiring, wanting, craving, addiction, longing, yearning, fixation, dependence, obsession, hungering, pining, lust.*

 

All these can exist completely independently of love, and are often wrongly identified as love.

 

Real love doesn't ruin people.

 

Thats the acid test.

[Mascara]

Well now call me cynical but he'd given you a timeline of September, which isn't very far away, and then his wife conveniently finds out - preventing him from sticking to that timeline.

 

Wouldn't be the first time someone on these boards discovered the wife was actually blissfully unaware.

[Popsicle]

He said he will come clean soon, that the kid is still there for a couple more months and it's not the time.

 

This is a line. He will never be able to do it. It has nothing to do with the kid.

 

 

He and his sexless marriage, his quarter century "practically a roommate situation", deserve each other.

 

They sure do.

 

May they get adjoining plots

 

You can bet your bottom dollar they will.

[wizer]

Your MM is not the only one who's getting his a$$ kicked by karma.

[sandylee1]

This man knows you would be an OW forever if necessary. You didn't ditch him after the terrible loss you suffered. He wasn't there for you and says he came to the hospital, but never saw you. He knows that having stuck with him after this , you are so deep in love you'd accept being with him no matter what, because really, I can't think of anything worse he could do .

 

You've made yourself invisible by saying deny deny and he knows you will accept being seen during what little spare time he has.

[finally43]

???

 

I thought you were 'done' with him?

 

Yet still talking to him, still hoping for a future with him and still allowing him to pee pee all over you.

 

Why?

 

What happened to being done?

[kieraglass]

Your MM is not the only one who's getting his a$$ kicked by karma.

 

I wonder why people from the other love shack sections come here as tough keyboard warriors with chips on their shoulders and cast cruel.

 

It seems a bit fiendish. I have better things to do with my time than go onto the "coping" section or the "divorce" section and batter around gleefully.

 

My karma might be screwed, and my child may have been a sin and perhaps I deserved all that happened in the end, but karma comes in minor AND major keys and you are doing yours a slight disservice as well, my friend. Simply with that comment.

[whichwayisup]

He said he will come clean soon, that the kid is still there for a couple more months and it's not the time.

 

I seriously doubt this will happen.

 

I hope for your own sake and sanity you give yourself a timeline, say by summer's end if he hasn't come clean to his wife, you walk. FOR GOOD.

 

There will be a number of excuses as to why he can't tell her and why he can't leave and divorce.

[Majormisstep]

Kiera, I've followed your story from the beginning and offer heartfelt condolences.

 

But I'm going to offer a bit of different advice - allow yourself to rage at this jack*ss for his selfish role in the loss of your baby..but momentarily. Set a time limit. You have a son who needs his mom strong and healthy because he too is going through some significant changes in his life. And I'm saying this not because you are faltering as a mother (not at all, you seem so kind and loving through your writing) but the time you spend festering and reminiscing - even the milliseconds - over this coward xmm are precious moments away from your child and you will NEVER get those back. They grow up so quickly and then they are gone. If I could only turn back time...

 

Anyway, this tool is not worth it and you will see that one day. If he really wanted to leave, he would have. Now he is doing and saying whatever he can to salvage his M. That is his priority. You and your son have to be your priority.

[sandylee1]

I could be very wrong , but I'm thinking his youngest child is around 18 years old. Is that right?

 

I was trying to align that to a quarter century as room mates. His kids aren't the age to suffer a huge impact. He's stringing you along, but because your emotionally weak , you're allowing him to do so.

 

I've heard of sexless marriages , 25 years!!!

Do you believe that?

[kieraglass]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. Last night it ended. I said some brutal things, the kind of things you cannot take back or make go away. I told him he us a p word, a coward, and that he stays because his wife is his mommy, and he wasn't loved well by his real mother. (True fact, about his emotional neglect.) I said he's spoiled, and afraid to leave his lifestyle, though I did without a second thought.

 

I really lost it. Rage. Finally. Worse than ever. I told him he disgraced our lost child with his cowardice, and that he has no balls. On and on.

 

When I got home he dumped me by a single text.

 

Done. It's for the best. Move on and forget about me.

 

I sent him a photo of the baby and told him to shove it, and raged some more. I told him to never contact me again. He responded that he will not.

 

He had been making sarcastic comments on our evening out about how it's July now," I said july was the time didn't i", guess I'll go live in my office, or on a park bench. Really snarky, bizarre, aggressive comments. They disturbed me to my core. Then he mentioned how he has some kind of alumni reunion in jersey at the end of July but he isn't going because it will just cause problems at home, etc.

 

That's when I snapped.

 

Leaving, not leaving, sleeping on park bench, ha ha, I don't want to upset the wife by attending a party. ...

 

This has made me crazy. I snapped my hinge.

 

And he said goodbye.

 

And I'm sure he's relieved.

 

I felt very little. Despondent, but not unfunctioning. Went to the beach with my son after his dentist appt, saw good friends and cried.

 

They hate him. With a passion. One talked of being tempted to contact his wife. I told her no. She believes he shouldn't walk Scott free after all I lost, and that she deserves the truth.

 

I just want peace. I'm reading all your NC stories and i applaud you. They give me perspective, and strength.

 

I loved him so. Always will. But I also despise him now. He treats me like a princess, and he treats me like I'm nothing at all. The dichotomy confuses me so much. It has left me damn near mad.

 

I said so many awful, cruel and hateful things. I wish I'd kept my dignity. I really, really do.

[kieraglass]

He wanted to go to a strip club an hour away a few weeks after I lost the baby. I was very ill, so very sick with a chest cold, and i didn't want to. I was horrified by the notion. I hemmed and hawed at dinner, and he said ok, I understand. When we left the restaurant to get on the highway, he began driving towards the city and I knew.

 

We were going anyway.

 

I didn't fight. I felt nothing. I remember looking out the window as we entered the city and thinking how unreal it all was. Only weeks earlier I'd been buying little clothes and nesting, and here, here is this man I adore dragging me wickedly ill to a place so he can watch me get my first lapdance.

 

I had to get very drunk there, to handle it all. I don't generally drink like that ever, but I did. I didn't want to feel.

 

He chose a certain dancer for it. Told me he'd researched who the hottest lapdancer there was on the net earlier in the week.

 

I was so ashamed. I still had a tiny little belly at that point, a few weeks later. Not much, I'm very thin to begin with, but I felt ashamed of the tiny residue from my baby who was suddenly gone. I couldn't believe where we were. He had a few more hours than usual that night because his wife was away, and though we'd only spent two nights together, ever, in two years at that point, instead of renting a hotel and holding me all night, which is what I said I'd rather do, at dinner, we were. ...there. I wanted to be alone with him. Have his arms around me. I wanted to feel safe. Loved. Something. Not this. Not this disgusting place.

 

I completely dissasociated while she was on me. I was drunk by then and ashamed to my core by everything. How had I ended up here? Why was this important to him? I had just been five months pregnant and here was this stripper, and i kept making sarcastic comments, tried to act okay.

 

We left, and he took me home. We never even kissed that night. Four hours in a club with my eyes bugging out, disgusted, hurt, with a high fever. Longing to go back to pregnant, hopeful about the future, happy despite the scandal, because here was this little life. This gift. And there I was under a naked girl, with him handing her twenties. He spent hundreds that night.

 

The next day I ended up in the hospital. I had pneumonia. I missed the next two weeks of work. I'd just missed two after the death of the baby. It was insane. I'd used up most of my vacation time with the baby, and I scrambled for money for weeks after this. Every time I remembered that night, the money he threw around, my shame and embarrassment, I cringed.

 

It's a painful, painful memory. I have no one to blame but myself. I could have refused. But I thought I'd lose him. I was so empty from the loss still, so in shock, that i just....let it happen. I couldn't believe he even suggested it, particularly at that time, so soon, never mind the fact that he ignored my weak protests and took us anyway.

 

I'm trying to remember that awful, dark night now. All those seedy, sad people, and him, lording over it all with his wad of cash, smiling while I broke inside.

 

I hate who I have become, with him. In so many ways. I was a good person once. I feel so very changed now. So dark and hollow. I almost feel like I've sold my very soul.

 

I told that story to get it out. No one knows but my closest friend. She was horrified to her core. Me, I felt little at the time in terms of anger or hurt. I felt nothing but shame.

 

It was wrong. What he did that night, and what I allowed him to do, was wrong. It scarred me even further.

 

Hindsight is twenty twenty.

 

I'm a really slow learn.

 

I don't know what and who he is. But I do know that he's eaten me up and spit me out and that I have a choice here, now, to heal.

 

I want to take it. I want to see what happened last night, his anger at me, his goodbye, as a gift.

 

Trying hard.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

Edited July 2, 2015 by kieraglass

[eye of the storm]

Kiera, Im confused, did you actually go on a date with this guy after saying you were done on the 26th?

[Josmatjes]

He wanted to go to a strip club an hour away a few weeks after I lost the baby. I was very ill, so very sick with a chest cold, and i didn't want to. I was horrified by the notion. I hemmed and hawed at dinner, and he said ok, I understand. When we left the restaurant to get on the highway, he began driving towards the city and I knew.

 

We were going anyway.

 

I didn't fight. I felt nothing. I remember looking out the window as we entered the city and thinking how unreal it all was. Only weeks earlier I'd been buying little clothes and nesting, and here, here is this man I adore dragging me wickedly ill to a place so he can watch me get my first lapdance.

 

I had to get very drunk there, to handle it all. I don't generally drink like that ever, but I did. I didn't want to feel.

 

He chose a certain dancer for it. Told me he'd researched who the hottest lapdancer there was on the net earlier in the week.

 

I was so ashamed. I still had a tiny little belly at that point, a few weeks later. Not much, I'm very thin to begin with, but I felt ashamed of the tiny residue from my baby who was suddenly gone. I couldn't believe where we were. He had a few more hours than usual that night because his wife was away, and though we'd only spent two nights together, ever, in two years at that point, instead of renting a hotel and holding me all night, which is what I said I'd rather do, at dinner, we were. ...there. I wanted to be alone with him. Have his arms around me. I wanted to feel safe. Loved. Something. Not this. Not this disgusting place.

 

I completely dissasociated while she was on me. I was drunk by then and ashamed to my core by everything. How had I ended up here? Why was this important to him? I had just been five months pregnant and here was this stripper, and i kept making sarcastic comments, tried to act okay.

 

We left, and he took me home. We never even kissed that night. Four hours in a club with my eyes bugging out, disgusted, hurt, with a high fever. Longing to go back to pregnant, hopeful about the future, happy despite the scandal, because here was this little life. This gift. And there I was under a naked girl, with him handing her twenties. He spent hundreds that night.

 

The next day I ended up in the hospital. I had pneumonia. I missed the next two weeks of work. I'd just missed two after the death of the baby. It was insane. I'd used up most of my vacation time with the baby, and I scrambled for money for weeks after this. Every time I remembered that night, the money he threw around, my shame and embarrassment, I cringed.

 

It's a painful, painful memory. I have no one to blame but myself. I could have refused. But I thought I'd lose him. I was so empty from the loss still, so in shock, that i just....let it happen. I couldn't believe he even suggested it, particularly at that time, so soon, never mind the fact that he ignored my weak protests and took us anyway.

 

I'm trying to remember that awful, dark night now. All those seedy, sad people, and him, lording over it all with his wad of cash, smiling while I broke inside.

 

I hate who I have become, with him. In so many ways. I was a good person once. I feel so very changed now. So dark and hollow. I almost feel like I've sold my very soul.

 

I told that story to get it out. No one knows but my closest friend. She was horrified to her core. Me, I felt little at the time in terms of anger or hurt. I felt nothing but shame.

 

It was wrong. What he did that night, and what I allowed him to do, was wrong. It scarred me even further.

 

Hindsight is twenty twenty.

 

I'm a really slow learn.

 

I don't know what and who he is. But I do know that he's eaten me up and spit me out and that I have a choice here, now, to heal.

 

I want to take it. I want to see what happened last night, his anger at me, his goodbye, as a gift.

 

Trying hard.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

 

This is without a doubt the worst thing I've ever heard!! I feel so much for you. Do not blame yourself for what happened, you were numb!

 

He is an absolutely awful awful person. Please block him and find peace and know that your son loves and needs you! Take each day as it comes and keep thoughts of him only bad ones! He is not worthy of you!

[Mount]

I also notice something interesting - many OWs described their affair or stories with their MMs by using he said such and such, she said such and such...then those MMs disappointed them (OWs) of course.

 

I just recalled in my all posts I never had thought to write he said I said, all I had written was what exactly happened i.e. he left wife or he went back...

 

Because in an affair, MM of course says million of million words how much love he devoted to me, I would say the same back, but for me, saying or words are pointless, I am only interested in things, or actions.

 

Basically I can say anything to anyone that wants to hear, but what a people says is not really what he/she thinks.

 

 

 

A large part of all affairs is fantasy.

 

They function as an escape or respite from an unhappy life in most cases.

 

But secretly, deep inside, both know that it's a fantasy.

 

Defending the fantasy and denying reality leads to incredible inner tension and conflict.

 

Both parties are pretending.

 

Thats the root of the problem.

[kieraglass]

Kiera, Im confused, did you actually go on a date with this guy after saying you were done on the 26th?

 

I did. I keep going back. The past ten months since the baby I have these periodic outbursts on him, he gets angry, we split, and then a few days go by and he can't live without me, I can't him, all those silly proclamations, and i go back.

 

I know he is rooted there. After thirteen months single now, leaving my husband pregnant last june, he says it's coming, but he has no plans. Makes passive aggressive jokes about living in his office, maybe, sleeping in his truck. When he started them last night I realized a man who's had over a year would have made concrete plans, if he wanted this. He's had the time. More than enough. So, another outburst. This one very, very caustic, and he dumped me. He texted "how dare you say those things to me, how dare you."

 

This thing I wanted so badly and imploded my life for appears to have been a joke. And he's putting the onus on me for it's ending. That is a bitter pill to swallow.

 

So many women here say, maybe if I was more patient, maybe if I waited just a little longer.....I feel that, a bit, today, but I know. Those jokes about park benches. They were him saying, I can't do this.

 

He's had so long to configure his thoughts. To plan, and act.

 

I have never really moved on from the trauma of the loss, I've been so wrapped up in him and what he's doing, what he's thinking. All this tension and drama. I'm broken, so I go back to him, and then I break some more and we implode, I go back and the cycle starts again.

 

I always felt love was the greatest thing, and that if you find the one who stirs your heart entirely, you do what it takes to be with that person. You move mountains.

 

I did that. And he's seen it, seen how much I've suffered. And he makes jokes about sleeping on park benches and trucks. After all this time I've afforded him.

 

I'm spending the holiday weekend alone. My little boy has the first full weekend if every month with his dad, and it's this holiday. They're going to a big party at his new girlfriends house. My ex met someone the past six months and has gotten serious with her. I'm glad for him, and for my son. She seems like a very good person. But it hurts. I was supposed to be with mm now, and our seven month old baby. Yet here I sit, with no one, wondering just what I've done. MM is having his big annual party. He holds one every year. I'm dreading tomorrow, everyone I love having fun, surrounded by people and laughter. I honestly can't believe what a mess I made of my very life, for love. I'm heartbroken and disgusted. Had mm not dumped me yesterday, he would sent me a few quick furtive texts, busy as he is surrounded by family and friends, and i would have held onto them like lifelines. As it stands, it's going to be a very awful day missing my boy, and a man who was supposed to be so much more by now.

 

I know it's for the best. He doesn't want a life with me. He does, but in theory. Actually doing anything close to what I did frightens him too much. I'm not wealthy and established enough. I know this is a major factor. But it is what is now, and in a sick way, part of me can't blame him.

 

I can't handle this anymore. I'd like to press reset and change it all.

Edited July 3, 2015 by kieraglass

[nikki76]

You can't press a reset button. All you can do is move forward. This man is a horrible person. Everyone around you is moving on with their lives, you need to do the same.

 

I cant even begin to imagine the pain you are going through, regarding the loss of your baby and the way mm treated you during it. I lost my baby (boy) at almost 20 weeks, it was the most painfull thing, mentally and physically that I had ever gone through in my entire life. I had everyone there for me to support me, and it was still so hard to deal with. I slipped into a deep depression and never thought I would get out of it. But eventually I did. For you to go through that alone, had to be excruciating.

 

You need to block this so called man from your life like yesterday. Stop letting him come back. I know it hurts to deal with the pain of losing mm, but isn't it better then the pain you are in now? If not for you, then do it for your child. My favorite quote "push through the pain because giving up hurts more."

 

He is a sad excuse for a human. Stop letting him ruin you.

[kieraglass]

Niki, I'm so sorry about your son. They were the same age, in term. Funny, how it's called a miscarriage up to 24 weeks, but it's not. You deliver a small baby, alive. They don't even let you name the baby on the birth certificate, and at the crematorium. Three weeks later, you can. It's cruel and insane. Our babies were alive. I don't understand it all.

 

Thank you for reaching out. I've met so few people who lost so late. It's uncommon. I'm so sorry for what you went through, but I'm glad you had support. I really am. I had none, really, aside from my closest friend. She loaded me into the ambulance that night screaming. She watched my seven year old overnight. If it weren't for her, I really don't know. I sent her a photo of the baby after the delivery, before I did mm. That's telling.

 

MM was home with his family. He never came. He did take me to the funeral home two days later, and it was humiliating. He had on his wedding ring. I did not. When they asked personal information it got so awkward. We had different addresses. Had to sign things. I think they knew but they were kind to us.

 

I erased "baby boy X" on the ashes box and put his last name in a sharpie. It felt important.

 

My mother saw my son be born. It traumatized her and furthered her rage at me for my scandalous situation. She was there, and angry as hell. At me, at what she had to see, and at him, for leaving her to "pick up the pieces." She, said she will never forgive him. That he's a spoiled person only concerned with his life, and sliding by all this undetected. She said he has everyone, and everything, and that he couldn't care less about what I've been through. That he's just...relieved. And that I'm a complete fool. We live together- she took me in when me husband kicked me out of our home- and she barely speaks to me now. Barely looks at me. We were very, very close before. I'm an only child. It breaks my heart. I lost my mother, too. She told me recently that my entire life has been a waste, and that she's ashamed of me.

 

I'm in counseling now. My counselor thinks he loves only himself, and she kind of instigates my outbursts at times on him, with her words in my head. I cancel appointments with her at times, in dread. We women don't like others telling us what they see, in our mm. It creates a tension in us. I try to hold onto the love. I try desperately. It's so difficult. I miss him even now. He was the first man in forty years to make me feel like I mattered. He was kind to me, patient, gentle. He enjoyed me.

 

I will miss him. But I never really had him to miss. And that's what we all need to remember. Like smoke, ether, they were never really there.

Edited July 3, 2015 by kieraglass

[nikki76]

I'm sorry about the situation with your mother too.

 

The loss of my baby wasnt with xmm, it was with my H. And it was still so very painful. Strange thing is, mm wife was pregnant the same time and their daughter was born on what would have been my due date. (This was 6 years ago, way before our A began).

 

I have since, had a daughter. I now have three girls. I know my husband deep down inside would've wanted a boy and I feel sometimes, that I let him down. He's never said that, it's just something that's always in the back of my mind. Or when stupid people always say "oh, you couldn't get that boy", ugh, that pisses me off!!

 

I only told 2 friends about my A, and my mother and she was/is so ashamed of me too. We were best friends, still pretty close, but she always throws it in my face.

Your mom is probably hurting for you. She sees how much pain this man has caused you and the horrific things you have been through. No one wants to see their child hurt, you are still her child. Maybe she's giving you tough love in hopes that you can move on from this madness.

Your mom is right, he is selfish and only concerned with his life. She doesn't need to ever forgive him. He doesn't deserve forgiveness.

 

She shouldn't be ashamed of you, she's probably just disappointed. She feels like you are wasting your life. We only have one chance at this life and she wants you to make the most and best of it, as anyone would want their child to do. Prove her wrong. Prove yourself wrong. Start now. It won't be easy. It will take intense therapy. You need to start living your life and make it worth living!!

[anika99]

He wanted to go to a strip club an hour away a few weeks after I lost the baby. I was very ill, so very sick with a chest cold, and i didn't want to. I was horrified by the notion. I hemmed and hawed at dinner, and he said ok, I understand. When we left the restaurant to get on the highway, he began driving towards the city and I knew.

 

We were going anyway.

 

I didn't fight. I felt nothing. I remember looking out the window as we entered the city and thinking how unreal it all was. Only weeks earlier I'd been buying little clothes and nesting, and here, here is this man I adore dragging me wickedly ill to a place so he can watch me get my first lapdance.

 

I had to get very drunk there, to handle it all. I don't generally drink like that ever, but I did. I didn't want to feel.

 

He chose a certain dancer for it. Told me he'd researched who the hottest lapdancer there was on the net earlier in the week.

 

I was so ashamed. I still had a tiny little belly at that point, a few weeks later. Not much, I'm very thin to begin with, but I felt ashamed of the tiny residue from my baby who was suddenly gone. I couldn't believe where we were. He had a few more hours than usual that night because his wife was away, and though we'd only spent two nights together, ever, in two years at that point, instead of renting a hotel and holding me all night, which is what I said I'd rather do, at dinner, we were. ...there. I wanted to be alone with him. Have his arms around me. I wanted to feel safe. Loved. Something. Not this. Not this disgusting place.

 

I completely dissasociated while she was on me. I was drunk by then and ashamed to my core by everything. How had I ended up here? Why was this important to him? I had just been five months pregnant and here was this stripper, and i kept making sarcastic comments, tried to act okay.

 

We left, and he took me home. We never even kissed that night. Four hours in a club with my eyes bugging out, disgusted, hurt, with a high fever. Longing to go back to pregnant, hopeful about the future, happy despite the scandal, because here was this little life. This gift. And there I was under a naked girl, with him handing her twenties. He spent hundreds that night.

 

The next day I ended up in the hospital. I had pneumonia. I missed the next two weeks of work. I'd just missed two after the death of the baby. It was insane. I'd used up most of my vacation time with the baby, and I scrambled for money for weeks after this. Every time I remembered that night, the money he threw around, my shame and embarrassment, I cringed.

 

It's a painful, painful memory. I have no one to blame but myself. I could have refused. But I thought I'd lose him. I was so empty from the loss still, so in shock, that i just....let it happen. I couldn't believe he even suggested it, particularly at that time, so soon, never mind the fact that he ignored my weak protests and took us anyway.

 

I'm trying to remember that awful, dark night now. All those seedy, sad people, and him, lording over it all with his wad of cash, smiling while I broke inside.

 

I hate who I have become, with him. In so many ways. I was a good person once. I feel so very changed now. So dark and hollow. I almost feel like I've sold my very soul.

 

I told that story to get it out. No one knows but my closest friend. She was horrified to her core. Me, I felt little at the time in terms of anger or hurt. I felt nothing but shame.

 

It was wrong. What he did that night, and what I allowed him to do, was wrong. It scarred me even further.

 

Hindsight is twenty twenty.

 

I'm a really slow learn.

 

I don't know what and who he is. But I do know that he's eaten me up and spit me out and that I have a choice here, now, to heal.

 

I want to take it. I want to see what happened last night, his anger at me, his goodbye, as a gift.

 

Trying hard.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

 

Why do you even want this hideous selfish horrible man to leave his wife for you? Why do you think getting him all to yourself will be such a prize?

I don't know if I can believe that you even love him at this point. It sounds like it's become more about making sure your investment pays off. Like, after all you have sacrificed for him you can't accept that it was all for nothing. Sometimes you just have to walk away from a bad investment.