Have I been accidentally flirting with a friend this whole time?

[solobeary]

Sorry for how long this is! Abridged version: I'm good friends with a male taken colleague, and it's quite a lovely friendship. We could potentially be perceived as having a flirty dynamic, due to how nice our friendship is and how much we joke around and laugh (not about sexual stuff). Over group drinks I asked him “I think some people think that there might be something going on with us. We’re cool, right?”. He made a jokey answer. He hasn't talked to me at work since. Was I wrong to ask?

 

 

Long version:

 

I'm friends with a colleague. There’s no sexual attraction from my side & I assumed there to be none from his (his long-term girlfriend seems great (and is a total babe!), I doubt we’re other’s “types” etc.). In case any of this is considered relevant: I'm single, straight and female, early 30s, average looking, colleague/friend (let’s call him G) is average looking too (I only mention this to make the point that he’s probably not fending off flirty women all the time) and late 30s.

 

Despite being an office, our work place is very informal- lots of pranks, chatting, etc.. My friendship with G is based around advice about each others' work, similar professional areas of interest, and also a good laugh making fun of work frustrations, silly anecdotes, etc.. It was one of those (rare for me (him also I think he's not super social)) friendships where we're just kinda on the same wavelength and we've got lots of in-jokes and shorthand ways of talking (I have to admit that I have wondered on occasion whether I have a crush cos it's such a nice, easy friendship, but I really don't as much as I respect him). We have some form of social contact at work almost daily (visit each other's floor, call for a short chat, email). We’ve socialised alone outside of work a few times (play tennis) and have always been open about this to colleagues (invited them along but none play, discussing plans in front of them, etc.). Otherwise no communication outside of work.

 

A couple of times in the past colleagues have made jokes about how close we are. I do like to think that straight men and women can be good, platonic friends. My "red flags" for it getting sexual (/cheat-y) are 1) sexual jokes or innuendoes about each other 2) inappropriate touching 3) "you're the only one who understands me"-type comments 4) criticising a partner or talking about intimate personal details 5) acting differently in private compared to when others are around and/or keeping secrets. None of those things ever occurred. Looking back now I can think of a few occasions recently where perhaps he sat a bit close (with others around, not in private), or said something a bit weirdly emotionally intimate (e.g. “love ya” as a (joke-y?) farewell), but it never struck me as anything other than friendly easiness. I like to think that I have a pretty good "sleaze radar" and he's never set that off before (he’s thoughtful, progressive, always respectful).

 

Last week, a bunch of us from work went to a bar. At one point G and I did a joke-y dance linking arms that he initiated in front of colleagues. Later, we were sitting next to each other, I was sitting forward, and he had his arm stretched out along the back of the couch behind me. Someone made a “G’s making a move” joke. It was a little weirdly intimate, not outside of the norms of that night though (others had jokingly hugged etc.). Later, he came over to me and said "I want to go get some air but you haven't finished your drink yet". I did find that weird, although I could have misunderstood his meaning. Later (I didn’t go outside, I'm not sure if he ever did), everyone else was engaged in their own conversations, we were talking to each other for quite a while. At one point we were talking about the holiday him and his partner were going on and then I talked about the trip a friend and I are taking later this year, he said “can I come?” and I just laughed it off. None of this is major, but I was starting to get a bit of a “potentially flirting” vibe, so I just wanted to clear the air.

 

We’re both pretty blunt. A bit later I straight up said something like “I think some people think that there might be something going on with us. We’re cool, right?”. What I’d hoped for was a quick assurance that neither of us felt like we were being inappropriate and thus boundaries (re?)established. Instead, he made a joke out of it (winked at me in an over the top way.. Not ambiguous, clearly a joke), laughed, and told me not to worry so much about gossip. He actually made me feel like I was paranoid for even bringing it up. The conversation moved on. When we said goodbye as a group that night I said to him “have I made things weird?” and he squeezed my shoulder, laughed, told me not to worry and blew me a comical, exaggerated kiss in front of the group.

 

Monday at work I still wanted to clear the air. In the afternoon I called his desk phone (he works in a different area) and it went to messages, I left a chatty message like either of us typically would along the lines of “uuughh I swear this time I really am never drinking again.. Have a good week!” I was aiming for a “we’re both a little embarrassed, the opportunity for you to kinda apologise is open too” tone… It’s been almost 2 weeks now and there's been no contact from him at all (awkward nod in hallway once or twice) and I've left it too.

 

I'm pretty socially clueless at the best of times so I am baffled by the total silence. The silence is super awkward because such a sudden change of tone indicates that something changed that night but I have no idea what! Does he think that I was coming on to him simply because I asked the question and so I’m the creepy one in his mind now?? Or was he indeed hitting on me and now realises that I find that inappropriate and has totally backed off?

[d0nnivain]

You brought this up not once but 3 times. As long as you knew your relationship was above board, there was no reason to even bring it up once. For the sake of propriety, I suppose I may have dialed back the sexual type jokes / flirting. Other than that because you mentioned it so many times he may have concluded that your Qs were reverse psychology & that you were trying to tell him that you wanted your friendship to move to romance so he's backing off. Since you work together, let the distance happen. Still cordially & professionally interact about work but reduce the touching, the time alone and the sexual joking.

[solobeary]

You brought this up not once but 3 times. As long as you knew your relationship was above board, there was no reason to even bring it up once.

 

Yes, very true. Awkward!

 

In my defence (maybe?) the only reason I kept asking was because none of his answers were proper answers but rather were still giving me mixed signals and I really wanted clarity (to ensure I wasn't encouraging flirting from his end, and so if a colleague approached me about it (there have been some insinuations) I could 100% truthfully say "there's nothing weird there whatsoever, don't accuse me of being an inappropriate flirt").

 

G & I have a dynamic where we can call each other out (super frankly but respectfully), that's a big reason we went to each other for advice about work so often. I thought we had enough mutual respect that I could get a straight answer to a question that was bothering me...?

Edited July 31, 2015 by solobeary
typo

[d0nnivain]

Friendships are elastic. They expand & contract It was just weird all the way around. Let this be a time when you are more distant. It will move back to normal in a while.

 

 

Not everything needs to be talked to death, clarified, verbalized etc.

 

 

The fact that without input from your friend you couldn't say to another colleague with 100% certainty that nothing inappropriate was going on is starting to make me wonder.

[solobeary]

Friendships are elastic. They expand & contract It was just weird all the way around. Let this be a time when you are more distant. It will move back to normal in a while.

 

 

Not everything needs to be talked to death, clarified, verbalized etc.

 

 

The fact that without input from your friend you couldn't say to another colleague with 100% certainty that nothing inappropriate was going on is starting to make me wonder.

 

Thanks for your input! I hope you don't mind me replying again- just trying to reason this through. After his behaviour that night I could continue to 100% say I wasn't flirting, but I couldn't 100% say that he wasn't flirting with me (building up to make a move, even) and that made me uncomfortable cos 1) he shouldn't flirt with me he's taken and 2) I don't want to be unintentionally encouraging that just by being a friend. But I didn't want to pull back if it was indeed nothing and stop a valued friendship for no reason.

 

I actually had one colleague in mind who has made a few comments recently to me about how close G and I seem and I think she's treating me but not G much more cooly of late, coinciding with her comments. As one of the few young, single females in the office I'm a little more conscious of getting a "reputation"- it sucks, but I think it's something I need to be aware of.

 

I felt like my options were 1) to tell him he was making me a little uncomfortable, which would put all the blame on him when in fact it could just be a misunderstanding, but a misunderstanding best clarified, or 2) to do what I did (wish id been clearer though!) and thus I'm not saying to him something he might interpret as "I think you're kinda acting like a creep tonight" (and I know he can be pretty sensitive about how he comes across to others). I was trying to put it on others/society, himself and myself equally. It sucks that my attempt at relative assertiveness (my problem is usually being too submissive!) while sparing his feelings has backfired on me...

 

Now I'm feeling really crazy for even feeling uncomfortable /worrying he was flirting/making a move. Do my actions and concerns make sense even if I didn't go about dealing with it perfectly? Or am I way worse than I thought at reading signals and dynamics and now I've been acting super awkward and weird?

Edited July 31, 2015 by solobeary

[d0nnivain]

Because you have to work with him, some big declaration is going to make things worse. Just allow the distance to express your displeasure.