Would sexual variety be healthy for much younger wife?

[Methodical]

This is what I want to understand, Jen1447. What is more damaging? If she wanted to have sex with someone else and didn't in honor of our marriage and then later became resentful over it or telling her she could play around with someone else thus entering a danger zone for our relationship? And what would be more harmful to our child, her unhappiness or our marital status?

 

In ANY marriage, not just those with age differences, one partner may find they have an interest in somebody else. The concept of honoring the marriage and refraining from dipping your toes into those waters is still the same. The partner who was interested in somebody else, for whatever reason, could just as easily develop resentment simply bc they never "got to try" that temptation. Age isn't a factor.

 

She married you of her own accord, right? Nobody forced her to make that commitment.

Edited July 31, 2015 by Methodical

[oldshirt]

You are trying to think like she is a virile 35 y/o man married to a 50 year old menopausal woman.

 

A man can go out and bang a young hottie and then come home and still give good lovins to his wife and still her well and not think any less of his wife.

 

But women don't work like that. Once she starts screwing young studs, she will lose respect and lose desire for you and you will quickly become the vabysitter and you will be in a sexless marriage.

[olderhusband]

Now I feel like it is just not cut and dry. I am happy when she is happy and feels happy with our relationship. I know for a fact she at least fantasizes about sleeping with a particular man, but would not necessarily follow through, more out of respect for me and our marriage. Down the road, this is what could cause resentment. We have sex, just not frequently and it is not because I cannot, but because my body, as fit as I am, doesn't excite her as much as in the early days. It is not due to lack of romance and actions that are romantic and creative. She is just used to me. That is all. This guy she knows is new, more mysterious, younger, different face and body, different style, younger. She is not in love with him, just intrigued. If I told her okay, have a go, I think she might and I don't think she would leave me, but a fling with him might last for a while. I just don't want to lose her due to my narrow sight of everything and being stupidly jealous. I know she made a commitment, that does nothing for me if she keeps it resentfully. You all have wise points. Marriage and life has never been easy or come with easy answers. I guess I will have to keep in mind all your points and trust in my gut and in her love for me and our child and hope it turns out for the best. There is no doubt that everything you all said is of great value in me arriving at a sensible decision. Wish me luck.

[xxoo]

Forget bodies, faces, ages. The ultimate sex organ is the mind. Key into her fantasies and she'll be a puddle of desire at your feet.

[jen1447]

Forget bodies, faces, ages. The ultimate sex organ is the mind. Key into her fantasies and she'll be a puddle of desire at your feet.

 

What if her fantasies are to sleep with other men?

[xxoo]

What if her fantasies are to sleep with other men?

 

Role play

[jen1447]

Role play

 

You mean have OP dress up like the younger guy? I think that'd be more damaging to his morale that just letting her bang it out with the other guy.

[mightycpa]

My wife is 35 and I am 49. We have a toddler who takes up all our time and sleeps in our bed because we felt it was best. I know, I know, not the wisest choice. After 7 years of marriage we still dearly love each other and divorce is out of the question. I am sexually fit, but I think she has just gotten very used to me and her sexual desire for me has waned a bit. I am handsome and fit, but fall short in comparison to men her age that she works with and is friends with. She is very cute and has the most awesome body and personality and energy to boot. I know she has always been faithful and has no intention of cheating because of her flawless integrity, but I know she has a natural healthy sex drive and desires and attractions to other men. It is normal. I am very secure with myself and our marriage and my place with her and would be okay with her fulfilling any sexual desires she may have for others, after all, I enjoyed a fulfilling sex life throughout my youth and she is still so young and it is not fair for me to impede her opportunity to take advantage of that. My question is, am I being foolish if I tell her it is okay with me for her to have fun and enjoy herself with other men if she so desires or is it a mature, healthy decision for our marriage and for her happiness? Would I be doing the right thing or am I playing with fire? Anyone here who has experience with this situation or any wives who might have any insight as to how she might react to such a proposal? Thank you in advance for any thoughtful considerations or suggestions.

Why not? I mean, what could go wrong?

[olderhusband]

What if her fantasies are to sleep with other men?

Very good point. If they are and I know they are to an extent, I don't think I could pull off pretending I am another man. She wouldn't buy it. It would be nothing like sleeping with another man and she of course knows that. I truly feel safe in letting her, or not letting her, but accepting it. I honestly feel like she would be proud of my courage and faith in her and our marriage would possibly become even stronger and she would satisfy the question of "what if?" and we could move on and further grow. Know what I mean or am I naïve?

[xxoo]

You mean have OP dress up like the younger guy? I think that'd be more damaging to his morale that just letting her bang it out with the other guy.

 

Ime, it just takes a few words to conjure up that fantasy and go with it. I consider it fun. It feels powerful to be the one driving the fantasy. I guess it's all in one's perspective. My partner and I aren't demoralized by fantasies.

[jen1447]

Very good point. If they are and I know they are to an extent, I don't think I could pull off pretending I am another man. She wouldn't buy it. It would be nothing like sleeping with another man and she of course knows that. I truly feel safe in letting her, or not letting her, but accepting it. I honestly feel like she would be proud of my courage and faith in her and our marriage would possibly become even stronger and she would satisfy the question of "what if?" and we could move on and further grow. Know what I mean or am I naïve?

 

I do know what you mean (altho take it w/a grain if salt bc I'm already in that world) ....for some ppl, allowing a spouse to have extramarital sex is a sign of trust and courage. Not all, and it requires a level of security that's not really common as well as a bold disregard for cultural norms, but it can be the case.

[jen1447]

Ime, it just takes a few words to conjure up that fantasy and go with it. I consider it fun. It feels powerful to be the one driving the fantasy. I guess it's all in one's perspective. My partner and I aren't demoralized by fantasies.

 

I'm mainly just playing DA here (and of course I don't question your fantasies), but you don't think saying "pretend to be the guy I'd rather be having sex with" could be potentially demoralizing?

[xxoo]

I'm mainly just playing DA here (and of course I don't question your fantasies), but you don't think saying "pretend to be the guy I'd rather be having sex with" could be potentially demoralizing?

 

I'm suggesting what keeps me fixated on my partner, and him on me. Mileage varies, of course!

 

Attitude is everything. I wouldn't rather be with anyone else. My partner is my sexual crack partly because he can key into my passing fantasies and take full advantage of them. It's powerful.

[jen1447]

I'm suggesting what keeps me fixated on my partner, and him on me. Mileage varies, of course!

 

Attitude is everything. I wouldn't rather be with anyone else. My partner is my sexual crack partly because he can key into my passing fantasies and take full advantage of them. It's powerful.

 

Bolded is the key difference - it sounds like OP's wife would, at least some of the time.

[stillafool]

Now I feel like it is just not cut and dry. I am happy when she is happy and feels happy with our relationship. I know for a fact she at least fantasizes about sleeping with a particular man, but would not necessarily follow through, more out of respect for me and our marriage. Down the road, this is what could cause resentment. We have sex, just not frequently and it is not because I cannot, but because my body, as fit as I am, doesn't excite her as much as in the early days. It is not due to lack of romance and actions that are romantic and creative. She is just used to me. That is all. This guy she knows is new, more mysterious, younger, different face and body, different style, younger. She is not in love with him, just intrigued. If I told her okay, have a go, I think she might and I don't think she would leave me, but a fling with him might last for a while. I just don't want to lose her due to my narrow sight of everything and being stupidly jealous. I know she made a commitment, that does nothing for me if she keeps it resentfully. You all have wise points. Marriage and life has never been easy or come with easy answers. I guess I will have to keep in mind all your points and trust in my gut and in her love for me and our child and hope it turns out for the best. There is no doubt that everything you all said is of great value in me arriving at a sensible decision. Wish me luck.

 

First of all 35 is not that young. What age was she when you married? Furthermore if you do give her a pass to have sex with a guy she is fantazing about you can bet after sex her emotions wiill move to love. Don't do it. We as married people always see others as attractive but don't act on it.

 

If your wifes body excites you why don't you initiate sex more often? Why does it have to be about her desire? When she sees you are hot for her body that alone will turn up her heat.

[xxoo]

Bolded is the key difference - it sounds like OP's wife would, at least some of the time.

 

Maybe, but my advice is geared to change that. Get into her mind. Be the person who makes her quiver, whatever words it takes. That other guy will be a passing fancy.

[Methodical]

Very good point. If they are and I know they are to an extent, I don't think I could pull off pretending I am another man. She wouldn't buy it. It would be nothing like sleeping with another man and she of course knows that. I truly feel safe in letting her, or not letting her, but accepting it. I honestly feel like she would be proud of my courage and faith in her and our marriage would possibly become even stronger and she would satisfy the question of "what if?" and we could move on and further grow. Know what I mean or am I naïve?

 

 

The parts in bold above, first show that she has, on some level, communicated her desire or you wouldn't know to some extent.

 

As for making your marriage stronger, I can tell you that in my case, that is exactly what happened. Hubs KNOWS I'm coming back to him. I'm not going anywhere but being able to expand sexually created an ironclad bond and he gets well rewarded for being a courageous, openminded man.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure if you saw my other post as we were both posting at the same time but I think you are thinking like a man and you are projecting male attitudes and feelings on to her.

 

A man will feel a great need for variety and a yearning for strange and if a man gets too frustrated and bored with the same 'ol same 'ol, he may succumb to temptation if a golden opportunity is available.

 

If a 50 year old wife were to offer a 35 year old man a hall pass to indulge, he would do backflips and break out the party noise makers. And if he was to find a FWB he would still be able to compartmentalize enough to treat his wife well and give her all the lovins she needs.

 

Women work on a different set of hardwiring. Variety and strange don't have quite the pull with women as it does for men. As long as a woman has some fundamental character and a moral compass and as long as her man is making a full faith sincere effort to please her, very few women will stray or leave their men, even if younger studlier men are available. .......and other men are ALWAYS available to women.

 

If a women is inclined to cheat or leave for another man, all she had to do is wink and smile and men will line up to accommodate her.

 

In essence as long as you are taking care of business in the bedroom and are making sincere effort to be good to her and as long as she is of sound moral character, your fears of her cheating or leaving are exaggerated.

 

Where this will bite you in the ass is women don't compartmentalize like men. If she is going off to some studs house to get her sexual and excitement needs met, she will quickly attach to him and she will lose attraction and desire for you and she will stop wanting to be with homosexuality at all.

 

She will be more than happy to let you pay the bills and provide her a home and security and childcare, but she will lose her romantic/sexual feelings for you and give them all to him and you will quickly be in a sexless marriage.

[oldshirt]

Another pitfall that has been mentioned is the ramifications of a breach in mate-guarding.

 

Mate-guarding is actually a pretty critical piece of the sexual dynamics of a couple.

 

We guard and protect that which we value. Women subconsciously place a lot of value to how their men mate-guard them and view the lack of mate guarding as either a lack of valuing them or as a sign of extreme weakness.

 

In almost all animal species the male of the species will fight off other males attempting to breed with his mate. Only the weakest of males will just look the other way and allow other males to mate with his mate and in pretty much every single instance that that occurs the female will leave with the stronger male.

 

Allowing a one sided open relationship is one of the weakest and most sure ways to lose your mate to another man.

 

You may think you are lessening the chance of her cheating and leaving, but this is actually the opposite. It is almost guaranteeing that she will lose respect, desire and connection with you and attaching those feelings to the other man.

 

Again, you have been thinking like a man and applying male principles to her. Allowing a man a certain level of latitude may help lessen the pressure of his yearning for strange and may help decrease the chances he'll cheat and leave.

 

But she is not a man. Women work on a different set of programmings.

[road]

I think OP is not honest with himself and is in denial about being a cuckold.

 

 

He ignores all the reasons why allowing his wife to step out and every time he just uses faulty logic to allow his wife to bang other men.

 

 

I laugh when he says his wife would like to bang this one hot guy in particular. And, if she does not get to she will eventually be mad at him.

 

 

Well I see hot woman all the time and my wife does not allow to bang them and I do not resent her.

 

 

Your wife as other married people get married knowing that they are committing to being monogamous. If she did not want that with you she would not of married you.

 

 

Stop trying to get justification to play cuckold. You will most likely destroy your marriage.

Edited July 31, 2015 by road

[oldshirt]

I think OP is not honest with himself and is in denial about being a cuckold.

 

 

He ignores all the reasons why allowing his wife to step out and every time he just uses faulty logic to allow his wife to bang other men.

 

 

I laugh when he says his wife would like to bang this one hot guy in particular. And, if she does not get to she will eventually be mad at him.

 

 

Well I see hot woman all the time and my wife does not allow to bang them and I do not resent her.

 

 

Your wife as other married people get married knowing that they are committing to being monogamous. If she did not want that with you she would not of married you.

 

 

Stop trying to get justification to play cuckold. You will most likely destroy your marriage.

 

I agree. Just come out and admit you are turned on by the thought of her hooking up with this dude and perhaps even want to watch and maybe even join in at some point.

 

There are lots of men that have the same fantasys and feelings.

 

Just because you have the fantasy/feelings doesn't mean that you/she has to act them out, but at least get it out in the open and on the table so it can be delt with in a healthy manner.

 

Every single last man and woman on this planet encounters people every single day of their lives that they find attractive, but that doesn't mean they run off and get it on with them behind their partners back.

 

This is YOUR fantasy here. It's not about her in the slightest. There's nothing shameful or bad or dark and sinister about your fantasy in and of itself. We all have kinky fantasies. Some day if you want to read 8 hours worth of sick, perverted fantasies, I'll share the ones I have before breakfast in the morning.

[Mr. Lucky]

First of all 35 is not that young. What age was she when you married?

 

Agreed. Unless she spent her 20's in a convent, there was plenty of time to play the field. Something else going on here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

I have never been with a man sexually over the age of 35. Now that I am looking at men in their 40's (possibly older), I am deeply DEEPLY afraid of the sexual issues that may arise with an older man. I really want an active and normal sex life.

[still_an_Angel]

Why don't you put this on the table and see her reaction. It will make you feel better about not hindering her sexual wants/needs as you see them. But because your wife is not here to state her side, I think this is just about you and what you want rather than hers.

 

 

Be very careful though, this might turn out to be a disaster and not what you hope for.

[redtail]

I have never been with a man sexually over the age of 35. Now that I am looking at men in their 40's (possibly older), I am deeply DEEPLY afraid of the sexual issues that may arise with an older man. I really want an active and normal sex life.

 

As a man, I too can identify with this fear. Having a desire to maintain an active and normal sex life isn't so much that you need a younger person, because you'll grow older too. And when you get older, those younger, less mature partners may give way to partners your age that share your same desires.