Abusive Father.....Should I call him?

[Isabella82]

I wasn't sure on where to post this, but I hope I can get some advice on my situation. I am sure a lot of people here can relate to my story and any kind of help would be appreciated, I will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

My real father was very abusive, I do not remember because I was too young, and I think I blocked out all the memories. My mother has just told me stories. Some examples of how bad he was is when my brother was a few months old he pulled his arm out of his socket. When my other brother was about 5 my dad punched him so hard in the stomach that he couldn't breathe.

 

When my mother was pregnant with me he used to kick her in her stomach, and once he threw keys at her, and they went into her forehead. So anyway I am sorry these are kind of distrubing but it is all true, and the sad thing is he did this all sober. He wasn't a drug addict or an alcoholic.

 

When my parents divorced he did not really keep in touch with us. He would call occasionally on birthdays and holidays and that is it. I have not seen or talked to my dad in almost 6 years. About 6 years ago my mother found out her back was broken, and the doctor said that her back broke about 12 years ago, and she never really knew it, she just sometimes had minor back pain. Well anyway, her back pain got worse so she had surgery. The surgery went wrong so she has had 3 other operations since then.

 

My father was the one who broke my mothers back, and I feel like he took her away from me. He threw her against a hood of a car. I was only 15 when her back was so bad she couldn't even walk, and she almost died during her operation. My mother is still alive, but she lives in pain every day of her life, and she is not able to do the things most people take for granted. She can not go see a movie, because she can not sit that long, etc... a part of her is gone.

 

With all of this sad I have grown to hate my father. But recently I sent him an announcement for my graduation, I have a BA in psychology. I felt like I wanted him to know that I am successful. He surprisingly sent me a congradulations with nothing that personal written in it. It was a big dissapointment to me, because I thought he would have been happy and would have said more to me. Also I know he has millions of dollars (seriously) and my mother being disabled and not receiving disablilty checks, I have supported myself since I was 17. I was really upset that he did not give me any money for graduation.

 

My problem is that it hurt me more then what I thought it would. Here is my father, who does not even care about his kids. I just do not understand how someone could be like that. Part of me wants to write him a letter (I got his address from looking it up on the internet) I kind of want to tell him that I forgive him for all that he has done, but I don't even know if he cares or if he realizes what he has done.

 

What should I do, should I just move on and never give my father a second chance, or should I write him and tell him I want to get to know him? What would you do if you were in my situation. It just seems like as I am getting older I would kind of like to know him. I just feel like I would want to talk to him about things. Any Advice?

[agnf666]

Sorry to hear about your mother! If you are really curious about getting to know your father then try to talk to him. Sometimes it may help you figure out why he was so abusive. Write him a letter telling him about your whole family. Tell him about your school, tell him about your mom not being able to do things anymore and she is disabled.

 

I understand you wanted to know about your father. I wouldn't tell him that you forgive him right off. Give that time.Just don't upset your mom by doing this. Now if it gets to the point where it becomes to emotional for you or sad then just stop talking to him for a little bit.

 

Good Luck!!

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Isabella82

What should I do, should I just move on and never give my father a second chance, or should I write him and tell him I want to get to know him? What would you do if you were in my situation. It just seems like as I am getting older I would kind of like to know him. I just feel like I would want to talk to him about things. Any Advice?

 

If it will make you feel better, do it. Just don't have ANY expectations about the outcome. But if you want to get to know him, do it now.

 

My best friend has a similar situation, although what happened with her is, she was about 15/16 and decided she wanted to get to know her Dad (he left when she was 4). She called him up only to discover he had terminal lung cancer, and they spoke on the phone a few times before he passed away. She will always wonder, I think, but she wasn't really emotionally ready or mature enough to handle talking to him.

 

Just remember not to have expectations and you should be ok.

[TUDOR]

I can relate to your story more than you know. I have not seen or spoken to my father since I was 15. He was an abusive a-hole and poor excuse as husband to my mom and father to my sisters and I. He moved away when my parents divorced and just wrote us off as if we never existed. I had lots of anger towards him for many years. I forgave him when I was older and put it behind me because I did not like holding on to that anger and it made me feel out of balance for having it.

 

My sister wanted to be in contact with him. She tried so hard to be a part of his life. She went and stayed a summer with him and called him and sent him cards. She just wanted her dad to be part of her life. But she soon saw that unless she called or made the effort he never tried or made any efforts on his own. She continuely got her feelings hurt and was a mess. She eventually gave up and told him if he wanted to be part of her life then he had to make an effort because she was done and couldn't keep getting hurt. He again dissapeared.

 

I don't know what you can expect by reaching out to your dad. You two may be able to put the past behind you and begin a new relationship with one another. But you have to consider that you may get hurt as well. My dad seemed to just want to move on and put his past behind him. I chose to let him and I don't hold it against him. But I think it is worth a try for you to see if your dad is interested in being in your life. But take it slow and see how he responds. If he is responsive and makes an effort then you can keep talking and growing close again. But if you find yourself making all the efforts and getting nothing in return, I would let him know how you feel. Tell him you forgive him if you do, tell him you want him to be a part of his life and him your's. But make it clear you need to see some efforts from him and it not you spinning your wheels.

 

This will give you peace of mind that you tried and if he doesn't want to be a part of your life then you know it wasn't because you didn't give him the chance. Just take it slow and see what happens. I wish you the best of luck.