Need to end affair

[Ludmilla]

I met him last Sept. He was in the process of leaving his wife and I was in a very unhappy marriage that had very little conversation and no intimacy. We connected and have been having an affair since that time. We had two months of pure bliss. Getting to know each other, cooking meals and spending hours talking and texting. We found we had everything in common and had many parallels in our past lives. I really feel he is a soul mate.

In Nov, I was blindsided when he very abruptly went back to his wife. She had been "hanging the kids over his head" since he had left and making things very hard for him. She is the kind of woman that will make his life hell if he leaves. Due to the long hours he works, he barely has time to see his kids during the week and the quality time he has with them is on the weekends. When they separated, he was only getting to see them every other weekend due to his job. He told me that every other weekend was just not enough for him. If it meant getting to see them briefly in the morning before he left for work and in the evenings before they went to bed, it was worth it for him to go back home. (His kids are also very young).

We have have had a tumultuous past year. We have been caught together (not physically) by his wife and my husband several times. The ways we have been caught have been through text messages and being at a certain restaurant together. We have taken breaks to try and work on our marriages but we always end up back together.

I am so addicted to his texting. The sweet banter we share. Its not all about sex. We actually have many things in common and enjoy many of the same activities. The emotional attachment I have for him is huge. I do not want to give him up.

However, I am realizing that he will not leave his wife/kids at this time. He has been upfront with me that he can't leave his kids at this age. He doesn't want to miss out on their daily lives. I have kids also but they are older and self sufficient. I am ready to leave my husband and for us to be together. We are just at different stages in our lives with our children. My problem is that I can't continue meeting in secret, sneaking around, getting caught and dealing with the stress, hurting his wife and my husband, living with the guilt, etc. I know it sounds selfish but if I can't have him, I don't want anyone else. I'd be content to just stay on at home with my husband, even though we are not intimate or have closeness, just for my kids. My husband just seems to want a cook, maid, mother, etc.

I don't like the role I have in my affair partners life. I feel I don't have any significance and though our relationship is very special, it can't thrive in its current environment. The few stolen moments we get are going to get old after a while. How long am I going to wait until his kids are older? 7 years? I can't imagine being in this situation that long. I just dread the thought of ending it. I will miss his texts, sweet words, and our daily banter.

How do I end it? Do I just disappear? Do I just stop answering his texts? Do I write a letter? I have penned many letters that I haven't had the courage to send. I just know that I can't allow people to be hurt (his wife and my husband) any longer. We both either need to leave, make the situation right, or end the relationship. The pain I feel when we are apart is immense. I have had days when I could barely function knowing he was with her and the kids on vacation. I am deeply in love with this man and the thought of losing him sends me into a dark depression. The thought of continuing on also makes me feel bad about myself. Makes me feel insignificant. Please give me advice on what to do and how to do it. If you are just going to bash me, please find another thread. I'm about as low as you can possibly get at the moment. I'm reaching out for help, not to be criticized. It was never my intention to be involved in an affair. Thank you.

[kieraglass]

Ludmilla,

Telling someone to end their affair on my part would be ridiculous. I've been breaking up and making up with him for a year since our child passed, and he stayed with his wife.

 

The texting is indeed very addictive, when you're lonely. I was married in my affair for two years before I got pregnant and had to leave, but I was so attached to my phone, so secretive, so caught up. My marriage was much like you describe your own, and i do think I could have stayed in that happy blissful affair state for a long, long time if I hadn't gotten pregnant. It was the cake and eat it, too thing, for both of us. We filled each others gaps. That's what you are experiencing now, and why it's so hard to break it off. Without him, you'll have to face your unhappy marriage again. God knows I didn't want to do that either.

 

It does strike me that there must be a great deal of emotion and attachment between you and your AP to have you keep continuing in the face of being caught by both spouses. Having been on this forum a while, I know this isn't common, particularly for the man. Men tend to run for the hills and go dark when caught. They often dump the OW like yesterday's trash and try to placate the BS.

 

My thoughts are that he does truly care for you, and you are not just some cheap thrill. Other than that, I don't know. His having small kids spells nothing but heartbreak for you. Though there are men who do choose authenticity and love for an AP, even with young children in the home. It's rare, but it can happen. But it won't happen if he continues to have both. They never leave when they're experiencing an embarrassment of riches. Life us just too easy.

 

Mine has older kids. Last one leaving this next month for college. But I don't have hope. My pregnancy didn't even motivate him. An empty nest won't do crap to a man like that.

 

I can tell you love this man. If I were a gambling woman, I'd say you will leave and choose authenticity at some point, c whether your MM comes to you or not. If you leave, chances are he may. He's been sticking to his guns in this despite being caught. But I don't want to give you false hope. Predicting an MM'S behavior is like trying to catch the wind.

 

I'm sorry you go through such pain apart. I'm in two days NC right now, again, and i alternate between tears and rage. I remember that painful longing for him, back when I was married, like you. Now, on my own, it's different. When you leave, and they stay, and you try to continue, the hurt well deepens and deepens until you drown. If you do leave your marriage, have no expectations for him to join you. Do it because you want to live an authentic life, FOR YOU.

 

As painful as this has been, I'd choose it over the lies and secrets I had before any day. I didn't know then how off kilter I was, how i was never present in my own life, always daydreaming, fantasizing. Waiting for our time together.

 

This is awful, but it's mine and it's real.

 

You say your kids are older. You have free time. Try to join an activity or a gym, something that is yours, not your husbands, not your mm's...something for you. Clear your mind. Think about five years from now. Where do you want to be? Still waiting?

 

I've been doing this today, and it helps.

 

The half life is no life at all.

[newdawnrising]

You already know what you have to do Ludmilla, you just have to gain the strength to end it.

Try to think of the damage that you are doing to your kids and your husband. They will and you also, will have lifelong scars from the choices you've made and are continuing to make now. It can't be worth it, can it?

You have a painful road ahead of you, but the sooner you go ahead and walk through the pain of ending it, the sooner you will be free.

Love is not supposed to hurt......nor are we supposed to hurt those we say we love.

[Ludmilla]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry about the loss of your child. I'm sorry he didn't leave for you and the child. That must have been hard. It has been a concern of mine for that to happen. What if I were to get pregnant? Would he leave them to be with me? How would I cope with that? (I have a very public job)

I called him today to end things. He has a very busy job and our talk was interrupted by his boss so I ended up texting the rest of the breakup. I basically told him that it was not what I wanted but I felt we had reached the point where there was no where else to go. That we would have to continue with our secretive stolen moments in hotel rooms and other secret little places. That we couldn't be public, share normal things, participate in each others lives/family, etc I told him to continue to do so would only result of it getting old and made our relationship look cheap. I told him I was ready to change my world for us to be together but he wasnt, that we were in two different stages with our kids. I said I thought he was "happy enough" at home and I needed to allow him to raise his kids without stress or distraction from me.

He replied that he had the same mindset of "where do we go from here?" and a lot of his guilt stemmed from the fact that he couldn't give me what I deserved. That he did love me but he couldn't go without his kids, that he had to be there for them and couldn't predict what a divorce would do to them.

Part of me was hoping and still is that he will miss me so much that he will contact me but I know that won't happen. I can't compete with his children. Im so afraid and scared that I will never hear from him again. I feel like I have lost my best friend, my heart, I have this huge lump in my throat. I"m going around in a fog while life is going on around me. Its a beautiful day and I can't hardly make myself get changed, comb my hair or function. I go back to work on Monday and I"m not sure I will be mentally ready to do my job. Part of me wants to call him and say "let's forget that idea" Now I will go back to my life at home. I will make everyone happy but myself. My husband has suffered a lot throughout this past year. I feel so guilty because he has been hurt. He will NEVER let me forget this. I am reminded of it on a weekly basis at least when he will have an outburst. I know I am guilty but our relationship hasn't been right for a long time. I don't have it in me to even try and pretend to be happy anymore. Its just like ..."whatever". I do know that if I had been caught texting him again or caught together, it would have been the end for me. My husband would have left me. We would have had to sell the house, my kids having to relocate, and I would have been completely on my own with much limited finances. I would not have been able to financially provide for my kids in the manner they are accustomed to. He would not have been able to do that either. The only part that feels good to me is that I am not putting my kids home at risk for now. I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days. I am so tempted to text him even now.

I do know that if I had gotten caught one more time, my husband would have left me and i would have been alone. He would not have left his wife/kids for me. I would have lost everything.

[Ludmilla]

You are right. We are not supposed to hurt the ones we love. I never intended for this to happen. It was not planned. I have stayed on in this marriage for a long time even though I am not happy just so I wouldn't hurt anyone. I made a very quick decision to marry this man at the young age of 21 only after having dated him for 8 weeks. I knew the first few months afterward that I had made a bad decision. I did the "right thing" by sticking it out. Now I feel like why should a decision I made at the age of 21 dictate the rest of my life? When do I get to be happy? Why is always about everyone else but me? I know that sounds selfish but like I said, my kids are older. One in college and the other in high school.

[Ifalltopieces]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry about the loss of your child. I'm sorry he didn't leave for you and the child. That must have been hard. It has been a concern of mine for that to happen. What if I were to get pregnant? Would he leave them to be with me? How would I cope with that? (I have a very public job)

I called him today to end things. He has a very busy job and our talk was interrupted by his boss so I ended up texting the rest of the breakup. I basically told him that it was not what I wanted but I felt we had reached the point where there was no where else to go. That we would have to continue with our secretive stolen moments in hotel rooms and other secret little places. That we couldn't be public, share normal things, participate in each others lives/family, etc I told him to continue to do so would only result of it getting old and made our relationship look cheap. I told him I was ready to change my world for us to be together but he wasnt, that we were in two different stages with our kids. I said I thought he was "happy enough" at home and I needed to allow him to raise his kids without stress or distraction from me.

He replied that he had the same mindset of "where do we go from here?" and a lot of his guilt stemmed from the fact that he couldn't give me what I deserved. That he did love me but he couldn't go without his kids, that he had to be there for them and couldn't predict what a divorce would do to them.

Part of me was hoping and still is that he will miss me so much that he will contact me but I know that won't happen. I can't compete with his children. Im so afraid and scared that I will never hear from him again. I feel like I have lost my best friend, my heart, I have this huge lump in my throat. I"m going around in a fog while life is going on around me. Its a beautiful day and I can't hardly make myself get changed, comb my hair or function. I go back to work on Monday and I"m not sure I will be mentally ready to do my job. Part of me wants to call him and say "let's forget that idea" Now I will go back to my life at home. I will make everyone happy but myself. My husband has suffered a lot throughout this past year. I feel so guilty because he has been hurt. He will NEVER let me forget this. I am reminded of it on a weekly basis at least when he will have an outburst. I know I am guilty but our relationship hasn't been right for a long time. I don't have it in me to even try and pretend to be happy anymore. Its just like ..."whatever". I do know that if I had been caught texting him again or caught together, it would have been the end for me. My husband would have left me. We would have had to sell the house, my kids having to relocate, and I would have been completely on my own with much limited finances. I would not have been able to financially provide for my kids in the manner they are accustomed to. He would not have been able to do that either. The only part that feels good to me is that I am not putting my kids home at risk for now. I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days. I am so tempted to text him even now.

I do know that if I had gotten caught one more time, my husband would have left me and i would have been alone. He would not have left his wife/kids for me. I would have lost everything.

 

 

 

Reading your post makes me reflect on my own life. So many similarities.

 

I think he will reach out to you again. Be strong. It's going to take everything you have to not let him back in. Don't be like me. I have initiated NC and allowed him back every single time. Each time, it just hurts more.

 

It's brutal, but your doing the right thing.

HUGS!

[Ludmilla]

Reading your post makes me reflect on my own life. So many similarities.

 

I think he will reach out to you again. Be strong. It's going to take everything you have to not let him back in. Don't be like me. I have initiated NC and allowed him back every single time. Each time, it just hurts more.

 

It's brutal, but your doing the right thing.

HUGS!

I have this fear that I will not hear from him again. We have had to already block each other on facebook. I am blocked from his phone. It was already hard to just text. I fear that in time, he will just forget about me. I initiated this breakup so I am not going to text him and I hope that i won't cave. He may feel such relief from all the stress that having me on the side brought, that he may just be happy now in his marriage.... I am very miserable at the moment.

[Ifalltopieces]

I have this fear that I will not hear from him again. We have had to already block each other on facebook. I am blocked from his phone. It was already hard to just text. I fear that in time, he will just forget about me. I initiated this breakup so I am not going to text him and I hope that i won't cave. He may feel such relief from all the stress that having me on the side brought, that he may just be happy now in his marriage.... I am very miserable at the moment.

 

 

 

I have felt like that every time and every time my MM came back. I blocked him from everything and he STILL contacted me. I wish he would have just left me alone.

 

I hear it gets better. Your already on the right path. I haven't broke it off yet but I hope I can be strong like you and end it soon. It's just not working anymore. In fact, it never really was.

 

I don't think he's happy in his marriage. If he was, he wouldn't have cheated. I know some people say happily married people cheat but in my opinion, that's not true. Something is lacking, and until he figures out and addresses what it is, he will seek others.

[Ludmilla]

I have felt like that every time and every time my MM came back. I blocked him from everything and he STILL contacted me. I wish he would have just left me alone.

 

I hear it gets better. Your already on the right path. I haven't broke it off yet but I hope I can be strong like you and end it soon. It's just not working anymore. In fact, it never really was.

 

I don't think he's happy in his marriage. If he was, he wouldn't have cheated. I know some people say happily married people cheat but in my opinion, that's not true. Something is lacking, and until he figures out and addresses what it is, he will seek others.

 

 

I don't think he is happy either. He says he loves his wife but I don't think he is romantically in love with her. I love my husband and feel the same way. One quote of his that I found rather sad but true was "I've seen life ruin beautiful things". I know his kids are young and when my kids were that age, I couldn't have left them either so I can't blame him. Part of me wants to continue on and be with him. I love him that much. But everytime I hear they've been on vacation and I have to go a week without hearing from him, its too painful. I spend that week imagining them all together being happy. We can't communicate on the weekends that much either because she monitors his cell phone and I just miss him so much. I hear of their weekend trips with the kids to the park, to the pool, to the movies, and it just kills me. I know he shares her bed every night. There is pain in staying on like I am and pain in ending the relationship. I lose either way. When I texted our breakup today, he agreed that we were at a standstill....that the continuous meeting at various places would soon get old, that he felt guilty for not being able to commit to me. He said he never wanted to cheapen our relationship. Though he is cheating and so I am I, I feel he has never misled me. He has been upfront about his kids and where he stands. He has never wanted to lead me on. He has been very sweet, respectful, and nice to me in every way. I have truly felt loved by him. We have been through a lot. His wife has caught our texts or heard about us being together several times as well as my husband. They are both aware of our "friendship" and we have been forbidden to see each other. Through it all, we have managed to stay connected with only very brief periods of no contact. I am just hurting so bad. All I want to do is stay on this forum and read others stories so I am distracted and not be tempted to text him.

[Ludmilla]

I have felt like that every time and every time my MM came back. I blocked him from everything and he STILL contacted me. I wish he would have just left me alone.

 

I hear it gets better. Your already on the right path. I haven't broke it off yet but I hope I can be strong like you and end it soon. It's just not working anymore. In fact, it never really was.

 

I don't think he's happy in his marriage. If he was, he wouldn't have cheated. I know some people say happily married people cheat but in my opinion, that's not true. Something is lacking, and until he figures out and addresses what it is, he will seek others.

 

You say your MM came back every time? I'll be curious to see if he will... Part of my sadness believes that he wont. That will make me feel that he didn't love me if he at least doesn't even try. My brother said that if I broke it off, I would get my answer. If he loved me, he would beg me to come back. Personally, I don't believe this. He's not going to choose his kids over me. Most parents don't do this. There were things in our relationship that weren't "perfect" and I would even ask myself if this was what I really wanted. For example, I noticed how stubborn he could be when he was angry or how he would drink just a little too much (though not on a regular basis).etc It was like I was trying to find things to convince myself that this was not the man I wanted. I finally decided that I loved him, wanted him, flaws and all. I just can't fight his wife and kids. His wife hounds him to death. She is so untrusting of him now that she monitors everything he does around the clock...even going to extremes. I wonder how long he can deal with that...

[Ifalltopieces]

Ludmilla,

 

Time will only tell if your MM will contact you but from my experience, I think he will. When I found out he was lying to me about renting a house, I initiated NC via text. And when I say text, I mean NASTY, down right mean text. I think in one of them I told him he was an evil monster. Even after I told him to stay away, he STILL found a way. Every single time!!!

 

I won't lie; when he chased me, it felt good. But once the chasing was over and he knew he had me, things went right back to the way they were. At this point, I have caved so many times, he has been conditioned to give me a few days and then come back. It's my own fault for being so weak and foolish.

 

I know what it's like to think that MM just went on his merry little way, all happy in his life. I have tormented myself with those thoughts. But I have learned, these men are not happy. Most of them are miserable. You say your AP's wife watches him and keeps tabs. I'm sorry but he is a grown man. Can you imagine what his life must be like that he has to be baby sat by his wife? I promise you,his misery is only just beginning.

[jenkins95]

Hi Ludmilla

 

I have just read your thread and I really feel for you and all the affected people in your story. I just wanted to give you the MM perspective, because from what you have said, I would seem to be in a very similar position to your MM.

 

I would like to reflect what Ifalltopieces says. It sounds like your MM loves you and I assure you that he will be hurting - lots. Take it from me! He will be living in constant torment, to-ing and fro-ing between heart and head. That's my situation. He's found a woman he loves in you, but he has obligations and commitments and he loves his children too. He wants you with all his heart, but he knows the possible damage it could do. Perhaps he foresees his children and BS destroyed and devastated, imagines heartbreaking 'Why?' conversations when his children grow up. His heart wants you, but he is trying to listen to his head. I think that is the situation that a lot of us MM are in.

 

I think the best thing that can happen is that if he really loves you, is that both of you will respect NC, but that he will not allow himself just to slip back into how things were in his miserable marriage before. He will try to get to the bottom of what didn't work out in the first place - difficult, challenging conversations with his wife - tears, frustrations, maybe some revelations. This could either bring them closer (difficult for you, but better for the children), or make both of them realise that their marriage cannot work. If this were the case, the best thing they could then do is separate as amicably as possible. He should then leave a reasonable cooling off period while new routines are established and hurt feelings begin to mend. Then, if after all that, he still wants you and you still want him and have taken care of your own situation, you can go into it with you heads held high. Even then, it wouldn't be plain sailing of course, but it would be so much better a foundation than if he simply left her for you, leaving destruction in his wake.

 

I know this sounds very idealistic and is a bit of a cliché, but it is the approach that I want to take myself. I simply will not just walk out and leave a trail of destruction. Equally however, my A has taught me that I cannot just accept a miserable M - life is too short. I had given up on my dreams and goals and had settled for mediocrity, but deep down it was killing me slowly. I see now that I have been a very poor communicator with my W - But instead of talking and trying to make changes, I became depressed and vulnerable and ended up in an A. Now my life is a mess and I am in a situation very similar to yours.....but i want to put things right, whichever direction that turns out to be. I really hope that you guys do too.

 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck and please keep posting.

[the_artist_1970]

Wouldn't you feel much better if you just left your husband? How can your husband expect you stay in a loveless, sexless M? I am sure that being touched by a man and really feeling loved by a man made you feel wonderful, but I can assure you that MM isn't the only man that can make you feel this way. Maybe if you ended your M and made yourself available to meet someone who will give you the love and affection that every woman needs, you will be happier even if MM never decides to leave. As long as you stay M, you are narrowing your options for meeting men who can and will love you and treat you right. With or without MM, you deserve to be out of this M and away from a man who has no desires for you.

[Ludmilla]

Hi Ludmilla

 

I have just read your thread and I really feel for you and all the affected people in your story. I just wanted to give you the MM perspective, because from what you have said, I would seem to be in a very similar position to your MM.

 

I would like to reflect what Ifalltopieces says. It sounds like your MM loves you and I assure you that he will be hurting - lots. Take it from me! He will be living in constant torment, to-ing and fro-ing between heart and head. That's my situation. He's found a woman he loves in you, but he has obligations and commitments and he loves his children too. He wants you with all his heart, but he knows the possible damage it could do. Perhaps he foresees his children and BS destroyed and devastated, imagines heartbreaking 'Why?' conversations when his children grow up. His heart wants you, but he is trying to listen to his head. I think that is the situation that a lot of us MM are in.

 

I think the best thing that can happen is that if he really loves you, is that both of you will respect NC, but that he will not allow himself just to slip back into how things were in his miserable marriage before. He will try to get to the bottom of what didn't work out in the first place - difficult, challenging conversations with his wife - tears, frustrations, maybe some revelations. This could either bring them closer (difficult for you, but better for the children), or make both of them realise that their marriage cannot work. If this were the case, the best thing they could then do is separate as amicably as possible. He should then leave a reasonable cooling off period while new routines are established and hurt feelings begin to mend. Then, if after all that, he still wants you and you still want him and have taken care of your own situation, you can go into it with you heads held high. Even then, it wouldn't be plain sailing of course, but it would be so much better a foundation than if he simply left her for you, leaving destruction in his wake.

 

I know this sounds very idealistic and is a bit of a cliché, but it is the approach that I want to take myself. I simply will not just walk out and leave a trail of destruction. Equally however, my A has taught me that I cannot just accept a miserable M - life is too short. I had given up on my dreams and goals and had settled for mediocrity, but deep down it was killing me slowly. I see now that I have been a very poor communicator with my W - But instead of talking and trying to make changes, I became depressed and vulnerable and ended up in an A. Now my life is a mess and I am in a situation very similar to yours.....but i want to put things right, whichever direction that turns out to be. I really hope that you guys do too.

 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck and please keep posting.

jenkins95,

Thank you so much for your words. You have no idea how much they helped me. At this point, I am hurting and thinking that he doesn't care and doesn't want to be with me. Maybe I was just a "fling". If he did care, why doesn't he come running after me and do everything possible to be with me? Those are the thoughts that have been going through my head. Then, I rationalize and know that its much more complicated than that. There are people involved....young kids...people you don't want to hurt. Many factors to consider. Its nice to get a male perspective on this.

Even with my apparent flaws (engaging in an affair), I feel I have a lot to offer him. I have several advanced degrees, great job, lots of equity in my home that would be "ours", am very musically talented and perform at some pretty impressive places, and have been told I am very nice, sweet, and beautiful. Some people think I have it all. If they only knew the silent pain of a loveless/sexless marriage and the heartache of wanting someone you can't have and the hopelessness I now feel. I've been told by close friends who know the situation, "you are better than this" "you should care about yourself more than to be his "girlfriend on the side" and other hurtful comments. Some I take to heart and they are slowly (along with the situation) killing my self esteem and self worth. When I look in the mirror, I don't see who others see anymore.

 

It was the hardest thing I have ever done...to end it. I really felt it was the only chance I had to really be with him eventually. We had reached a brick wall. No where to go...other than our secret meetings. We couldn't do anything in public, couldn't grow as a couple, etc. The whole situation started to feel cheap and not to mention the guilt, remorse, and regret on who we were hurting. He made the comment he wanted to enrich my life, not to complicate it. I didn't want to be the cause of his stress. When he thought of me, I wanted him to feel good... I think we were both hanging on because we didn't want it to end. I was also worried about how he would see me as a person. Would or had he already lost respect for me and vice versa? Neither of us intended for this to happen, it just happened and with a ferocity. So with these thoughts in mind, I ended it. I"m hoping he will end things eventually at home and I will be waiting...depends on the length of time. I also took the bold step and confessed to my husband. Not everything but a lot. No need to share lurid details. He took it well. Did not rant or rave as if he already knew (he had caught us before together). He is a good man. Actually, too good. Part of me wanted him to yell, scream, and kick me out. I think I would have felt better. Instead, he says he wants us to go to counseling, he wants to help me through this, etc. I told him I had ended the affair. He thinks that I was choosing him but in reality I felt like it was my only chance to be with my MM. I can't believe that he is supporting me and wants to still be with me. Part of me admires him for this and part of me doesnt. I would like to think that I would have kicked him out if the roles were reversed. Your suggestion about fixing the marriage? At this point, I just don't have it in me to even try. If I knew for certain that my MM was being successful in making his marriage work, then I might have an inclination to try harder. But, I thinking that they are not going to be able to fix things and therefore my heart is still closed to my husband. I know this makes me sound so selfish and awful but Im telling the truth. I still want my MM. He has my heart and until that subsides (if it does), I can't move on with my H.

So today, I go to work and just barely manage to get through the day. I feel broken and wounded. Every time my phone went off, I was secretly praying that it was him. It wasn't. Part of me feels like a discarded toy he no longer wanted to play with. I come home and do the expected motherly duties. Cook dinner and clean..all while I am in a fog. I feel hes going to forget me. He can't see me on social media since I am not blocked (my his wife) and we can't text. In time I fear I will just be a distant memory. Meanwhile, I am left with the devastation of our affair. I can't even look my H in the eye I feel so ashamed.

[Ludmilla]

Wouldn't you feel much better if you just left your husband? How can your husband expect you stay in a loveless, sexless M? I am sure that being touched by a man and really feeling loved by a man made you feel wonderful, but I can assure you that MM isn't the only man that can make you feel this way. Maybe if you ended your M and made yourself available to meet someone who will give you the love and affection that every woman needs, you will be happier even if MM never decides to leave. As long as you stay M, you are narrowing your options for meeting men who can and will love you and treat you right. With or without MM, you deserve to be out of this M and away from a man who has no desires for you.

I totally understand what you are saying. The problem is there are not a lot of "nice" available men in the area I live. I have seen this myself and have many single friends who have lamented this fact numerous times. Being the person I am, I am also kinda "picky" when it comes to a mate. There is only a few that have turned my head. They have to have the right combination of personality and looks. I was never a girl to just date someone for the heck of it. If there wasn't any real attraction, then I refused the date. I didn't want to give anyone a false impression that I was interested. I want to point out that I am not gay but just picky. I gave my husband "a chance" when I met him because everyone kept telling me what a wonderful guy he was. ANd look where I am. The attraction was never strong enough. I married him because it seemed the right thing to do at the time and I had a lot of pressure to do so. I got caught up and made a bad choice. It wasn't all bad but I feel it is part of the reason I am in the situation I am in now. I finally met the perfect person for me. He really is my twin, my soulmate, the love of my life. I will never get over him. Never.