Abandoning my mother?

[jessiejae]

3 months ago I met a guy we fell in love and he wants me to move to be with him while he's in grad school. I think he wants to propose for my bday he has mentioned it a few times and asked me 1000 times if I will say yes if he proposes. By the time we are married and I move it will be fall. We really love each other.

 

My mother is really dependent on me. She is 60 she has no husband/bf or friends. She talks to some family members but not much. She doesn't have a car and never learned how to drive. She had opportunities to learn but she never did. She doesn't work either she just stays at home all the time. She depends on me to take her places and keep her company. Her entire life she never worked either her exs or the government gave her money and she lived with a bf, her family, or in subsidized housing. I feel like she had plenty of chances to make her life better but she never did.

 

I feel guilty about moving and leaving her but this is a chance for me to improve my own life. My bf said she can live in a place for seniors in her state and when we get a house she can live with us. But I don't think that will work out I don't want him to know she's broke and never did anything with her life.

 

The older she gets the more she will need me. I'm not sure what to do but I feel like she's a burden on me she says she doesn't expect me to take care of her but whenever she needs something she always calls me. I'm pissed bc I never got to be a child. She was always depressed when I was a kid telling me adult problems I shouldn't hear about. I never felt like I could open up to her when I was sad even now I can't. I had to raise her. She did a horrible job picking men my dad was a bad person so I grew up without him.

 

I'm an adult now but I feel like she ruined my life I should be there for her but I just resent her so much. It's not her fault she is a weak person but it's not fair that I should have to deal with it. I would never want to place such a burden on my kids.

 

I will add she did take care of me and never put any man before me but she was far from perfect.

 

cliffs

 

my mother depends on me a lot

I want to move out of state to be with the man I love

I feel guilty about leaving her she needs me

I resent her

Edited July 31, 2015 by jessiejae

[Clarence_Boddicker]

She sounds like she's either eligible for disability or needs to be placed under conservatorship. She's not your responsibly & never was. It's too bad she got you wrapped up in her manipulations. Talk to a social worker or dept to she what options she has. Remember that she chose her path. Don't let that lesson go to waste in your life.

[d0nnivain]

She's 60, not 90. As long as she doesn't have physical injuries or mental disabilities, she can take care of herself. She may be more resilient then you think.

 

That said, are you sure moving to be with your BF is the best idea now? Going from an LDR to living together is usually a terrible idea. Would you move to BF's grad school location if he wasn't there? If not, I'd stay put until he graduates & has a steady job. Otherwise you will move multiple times which gets expensive. You mentioned in another thread that finances were a consideration.

[jessiejae]

finances aren't really a major issue I just didn't have extra money for cosmetic surgery at the moment

[Tayla]

In the politest of ways, I do not think you would fair well long term in attending to your mother. The sense I get in reading this is the amount of resentment you carry. It's not a positive attribute in tending to a senior.

 

Suggest ways to allow her to be independent or have a friend assist in the household chores. Be open to life changes.

 

Attending to a parent is not for many, yet to those of us who did choose that avenue...gosh the bonding as adults, irreplace-able!

 

(my two cents- senior centers and retirement homes ....nope....its a death sentence to those who reside there....the quality of life goes down rapidly. I know. I worked there and saw the decline. Imagine being taken away from your home AND have your famiy stick you away somewhere...because your aging out of their world...)

Edited August 1, 2015 by Tayla

[anika99]

In the politest of ways, I do not think you would fair well long term in attending to your mother. The sense I get in reading this is the amount of resentment you carry. It's not a positive attribute in tending to a senior.

 

Suggest ways to allow her to be independent or have a friend assist in the household chores. Be open to life changes.

 

Attending to a parent is not for many, yet to those of us who did choose that avenue...gosh the bonding as adults, irreplace-able!

 

(my two cents- senior centers and retirement homes ....nope....its a death sentence to those who reside there....the quality of life goes down rapidly. I know. I worked there and saw the decline. Imagine being taken away from your home AND have your famiy stick you away somewhere...because your aging out of their world...)

 

 

With all due respect I don't think this thread is really about whether the OP will be a good care giver or not. I think it's more about her dealing with guilt that she has for leaving her overly dependant mother so she can rightfully go out in the world and live her life.

 

 

OP I had/have a mother much like yours. My mom did make some attempts at becoming independent when I was younger though. She's had a few jobs that she always quit, usually within her first year, and she went back to school for a bit but gave it up before she earned the certificate she was going for. I remember being 3yrs old and my mom crying and telling me sad stories about her life. I would cry at seeing my mom cry and do my best to comfort her. Who in their right mind tries to use a 3yr old for free therapy. That was pretty much how it went through my whole life. In my mothers eyes nobody ever hurt, suffered, or was treated unfairly by the world more than her and in my younger years I totally bought into it. Always tiptoeing around her feelings and trying to be understanding and empathetic to her problems while never talking about myself or my problems. If I did accidentally bring up something I was hurt or unhappy with that would bring on a huge monologue about how much easier my life was compared to hers. I could go on and on but suffice it to say I totally get where you are coming from.

 

 

You don't have to give up your life for your mother's happiness. I don't know if it's a good idea to move away to live with your LDR boyfriend but part of living is to make choices and learn from our mistakes. You have already gone above and beyond for your mom. It's sounds like she took good care of you in some ways and like my mom she probably has some good qualities too. Don't lose sight of the that but don't put your life on hold due to the irrational guilt you feel at leaving. Kids are meant to grow up and live their own life. You can visit your mom and phone her often. She will be okay. I'm sure she will whine and carry on and really trigger your guilty feelings but you just got to muscle through that. You deserve to live your life and be free from your mother. Cut the apron strings and leave the nest.

 

 

When your mother truly does become elderly and needs care then you can consider what role you want to take in her care and I'm sure you take good care of her provided you have some years to spread your wings and grow into a truly independent adult.

[Tayla]

Well said Anika, placed in a perspective worthy of consideration and regard.

 

OP, What would you consider to be the best scenario ? How do you see yourself in five years? How do you foresee your adult relationship with your mom in five years? What steps can you take to attain that?

[preraph]

I'm 62 and have always been on my own and work two jobs. It does get harder and I do feel I'm already slowing down. If you hadn't said you always had to be the parent, I'd say she could do childcare but sounds like she can't even do that. She has told you not to let her hold you back, so move out and work and be busy and tell her no when she asks you to do something she could work out for herself. She's not helpless. Sounds like she's lazy. She can call Uber for a ride to the store or take the bus. Sounds unemployable and she doesn't want to work anyway. Don't ruin a relationship catering to her. She hasn't done her part. Don't give her money if it causes tension in your relationship and/or you can't afford it. Don't let her drag you down. She hasn't been working, so I assume this means she'll never even be eligible for Social Security. She did this to herself. I don't even see how she gets gov't assistance if her kids are grown. I wouldn't qualify for welfare because I have no kids. I'd love to know who's paying her if she has no dependents. Has she ever had a job?