SycamoreCircle Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Think about her children the whole time she is there. That should inspire compassion and empathy. Anything you say to her, imagine her children are standing right next to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 Think about her children the whole time she is there. That should inspire compassion and empathy. Anything you say to her, imagine her children are standing right next to her. Her children are 6'4" 250 lb 28 year old grown men. They were there when their mother was screaming horrible things at me during her wedding. They cringed & apologized to me. They will be at this party. Thinking about them won't fix this but I will think about the Birthday Boy & why I don't want to ruin his day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 My mistake was trying to help a crazy person. I won't make that mistake again. But I'm unwilling to ruin somebody else's event to make a point. Exactly. She's nuts, and everyone there knows it. Don't poke the crazy. But also don't ever get involved with her again. Boundaries will protect you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I see that others don't agree, but I think this is the best thing to do. You know she's a loose cannon. There's no point in trying to do anything other than get away as easily as you can. Don't poke the bear - agree if that's what it takes, and walk off. There's no changing her. It doesn't take away your dignity to preserve the peace at a social gathering. Your hosts will appreciate it. I agree with you. The whole idea on an old relationship that has gone bad is to avoid contact and not ever have to deal with it again. The only way to end contact is to end contact, not to confront her. They've already had words and her friend is irrational, so there's no point. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 d0nnivain... listen, nothing happens for no reason. Sometimes we attract people in our lives and they end up bringing out the worst in us for all the best reasons. I call those karmic links and you need to be really careful when you meet people that push you to act completely irrational or that you push to act completely irrational. Usually, the issue lies somewhere else... All this to say, you should find a way, later, to work through this pain and through all the anger and intense negative feelings against her and let them go. Actively work in that direction, so that when you see, think or even talk to her, you are immune to her and she no longer triggers you. Maybe you can even get to forgive her, be empathetic to her, without staying centered on the pain she caused you. Try mindful meditation, healing meditation, Reiki, talking to people about how to best handle that burden. Mind you, I say "forgive", not forget ! Lots of work at that level. Keeping the anger, staying angry at someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies... it only hurts you in the long run. As you have not started to do that work yet, I strongly suggest you not interact with her at all. That means, not even thinking about her. Be prepared to see her, but do not focus on her. This party is not for her or about her. This party is for your friend. So focus on the rest of those 199 people attending the party and do not establish contact - not even eye contact, if you can. You were very lucky to have been warned. Play it smart, and stay safe, ok ?!? No contact - not even thinking about her !!! best of luck, tell us how it goes ! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 (edited) IF she attempts to walk in your direction and you don't want to talk to her you could put your hand up (in the stop mode) and start shaking your head (no) to give her the clear idea that you don't intend to deal with her. Hope it goes well. Edited August 1, 2015 by beach Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 The back story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/528281-leaving-door-open-reconciliation I just bumped into my former friend's son. Since she moved across the country I assumed after our fight I'd never have to see her again ever. He said his mom is coming up for a party I will be at tomorrow. She's flying 2,000 miles to attend. I live around the corner & the party is a milestone birthday party for a mutual friend. Party is also at a private club where I am a member & she's not. She knows I am a member of the club so it really shouldn't be a surprise that DH & I will be there. As the months dragged on after her wedding & our falling out, I got more & more hardened in my hatred for her. After 40 years of friendship I remain furious that she leveled such horrible allegations at me. Yes I know she was stressed about her wedding but of all the people to accuse of intentionally sabotaging her I can't believe she could think that, no matter how stressed she was & for her to endeavor to ruin my professional reputation, I'm spitting nails & fit to be tied. I won't not go to the party because at this point it's my "home turf" and she's the unwanted invader but how do I not scream when I have to deal with her tomorrow? I don't want to ruin the party by causing drama but she's also the type to start something. Part of me actually hopes she starts something because she has a temper & then it will probably end in her getting arrested. A huge part of me think she has a lot of nerve by coming to this party. Why can't she just stay in Texas 2,000 miles away where she chose to move? Please help me calm down. Respectfully and bluntly, you suck it up and take whatever she throws at you as this party is not about you and it's at a private club so do what you can to avoid a dramatic scene. If she talks to you, walk away. You can and should control your emotions and what you say to her. Sure it won't be easy, just remember if you react, YOU are just as responsible for drama as she is if she pushes your buttons. Keep your ego in check and be mindful of the guests there that do NOT want to be privy to a fight between two former friends. Be the better person and don't let anything escalate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 She was there when we arrived. I saw her inside and headed outside. We never came within 10 feet of each other. When I saw her I pointedly went in the other direction. It was obvious to anybody who knew the history that I was avoiding her. Two people did come up to me & suggest we try to reconcile. She approached my husband to tell him that she wanted to talk to me. Since she didn't say she wanted to apologize, DH told her he didn't think that was a good idea & that she would be better off staying away unless her intention was to ruin the Birthday Party. She gave DH a generic thank you card from her wedding which only had pre-printed words on it. To me that was hardly an attempt at reconciliation. Since she hasn't endeavored to contact me via any other means I can only assume she's not sincere about wanting to patch things up or she wants to meet me to further insult & hurt me. I was a bit petty because as part of my emotional armor & emotional fortification in anticipation of seeing her I took great care with my outfit, hair & makeup. Having numerous people tell me how smokin' hot I looked was a wonderful boost for my self esteem. While I still maintain closure is a myth, spending 4 hours in her presence gave me some closure because looking at her made me realize how much I just don't care. The intense emotions are subsiding. I think I'm finally moving toward acceptance. She does live 2,000 miles away so it's unlikely I will have more of these encounters. Thank you all for letting me vent about my fears. This lifelong friendship remains irreparable but that may be OK. I can't expect to heal from the loss of a 40 year relationship over night. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Well, glad your husband had your back. I think it's really annoying two people tried to get you to reconcile, though. I guess that would be more convenient for them. Glad you felt good and got through it. Hope she disappears. Sorry you lost a friend. But friends do change for the worse sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 that would be nice, wouldn't it, to just show up and expect the others to be there, ready to bend in four and listen to your every wish... naaah, she's on some horribly high horses and you did a great thing to not give her the time of the day. Your husband sounds pretty cool, he was 120% right. When it comes to reconciliation, time and patience from both parties are needed. As she wanted to just show up, she was obviously counting on the element of surprise to catch you off guard and thus, be able to approach you and speak to you. Seems like God had other plans with you and quite a tough lesson for her to teach... Do work on your own feelings of anger towards her, even though she is out of your life. When you get that peace inside, you will feel soooo much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Glad to hear everything went over without incident. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 this anger is like you drinking poison and hoping she dies. If she is that much of a B* erase her from your memory and pretend she isn't there. This party is about your friend's birthday celebration and not about you and your ex-friend. Acknowledge that she did wrong, vow to never speak to her again. Don't let it eat you alive babe. think of her as an insignificant ant. Link to post Share on other sites
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