Never experienced this before :/

[Hoaks]

Hi guys,

 

I was posting on here around 12 or more months ago about current gf problems.

Now I'm back needing some advice before I do my head in on this.

 

I've known this girl through some general FB groups for a very long time. Just over a month ago we started chatting and I absolutely adore her. She's beautiful, funny, caring, everything I would look for in a girl. I wasn't even looking for anything at the time, this just happened between us. She lives an hour flight from me.

 

She agreed to meet me in a month after my work has slowed down and after we got to know each other a bit more. But my negative thinking has come into play, and I know myself I need to stop this if she will not meet me at that time. She thinks I have this image of her that is not right. That I have built her up, and that this is too good to be true and I could have any girl I wanted. She also is insecure about her body. I have seen a lot of her, video chats and everything, but won't show me a full body shot. And I don't even care, it's passed that for me, she does not believe me and is scared of rejection.

 

So I'm nervous every day that this is all she wants, just a online/phone thing and in the end will not be willing to meet me. I have confronted her about it but it just makes her upset that I'm being insecure :/.

 

How do I play this from here? Do I just go along with it for another month and get hurt when she pulls out of meeting? Cut all ties now before it gets worse? No matter how many times I say I don't care about body type, she just cannot believe that.

 

My anxiety is coming back with this, I'm almost to worried to get too much closer incase it blows up. Very confusing and my mind is racing.

 

Btw I'm 38 and she is 28 with 2 kids. Happy to answer anything.

[Tobin]

What if she turns out to be a very large woman?

 

To the point of being obese.

 

You'd seriously be ok with that?

[Hoaks]

What if she turns out to be a very large woman?

 

To the point of being obese.

 

You'd seriously be ok with that?

 

I have seen a few pictures of her that show almost her full body. I can tell she is not obese. I'm not shallow but I wouldn't be attracted to that. She has a small frame but is a little chubby. She has had kids i do know what to expect. She just won't listen to me :/

 

I have said to her before, if you are that worried about it, send me a picture of you right now. Let's get it over and done with and move on. She just won't do it.

 

She also has trust issues from the past and does not trust what guys say to her. Takes her a long time to trust someone.

[Iron Bubba]

Dump her. She's no good. This will not end well for you.

 

And she probably already has a boyfriend too.

[Hoaks]

Dump her. She's no good. This will not end well for you.

 

And she probably already has a boyfriend too.

 

I'm agreeing with you on the first part. The 2nd I know is impossible

[ohnoo]

You shouldn't force it. It's also possible that she really doesn't want to meet you so she's just making up excuses. She wouldn't show her body cos she knows you'll still be ok and so she needs to come up with a new excuse.

[Iron Bubba]

I'm agreeing with you on the first part. The 2nd I know is impossible

 

Thank you for agreeing with me.

 

how do you it's impossible that she has a boyfriend that you don't know about?

 

This is a long distance relationship and you only know her from Facebook.

[justwhoiam]

She thinks I have this image of her that is not right. That I have built her up, and that this is too good to be true and I could have any girl I wanted. She also is insecure about her body. I have seen a lot of her, video chats and everything, but won't show me a full body shot. And I don't even care, it's passed that for me, she does not believe me and is scared of rejection.

I know where she's coming from. I guess she might start believing your words if you can actually bring real-life experiences that demonstrate you truly mean what you say. I think nearly any man would claim they're not shallow, but few of them would be able to prove/state that they dated a woman weighing X lbs. I guess you need to share things about your life that can prove what you're saying. If you have no past experience with any woman past 120 lbs, then of course she has you all figured out. It's very likely that her assumptions will turn out true. If you can't prove your genuine mindset with past experiences of that kind, then it might help that you share your own insecurities. She sees you as a man who can have it all. So maybe stuff like "no girl wanted to date me for 2 years straight" or something like that will make you fall into a more average category, if you know what I mean.

 

Do I just go along with it for another month and get hurt when she pulls out of meeting?

If you make her feel at ease, she won't back out.

 

Cut all ties now before it gets worse?

If that's the way you feel, the sooner you drop her, the better. Many (I don't dare say "most") women need a man who can endure stuff, especially if there's any long-term potential (see gutsy). Consider it a way to slim down the list of possible partners.

 

I can tell she is not obese. I'm not shallow but I wouldn't be attracted to that.

Then you are admitting to your own limits. And she knows better than you can actually admit.

My guess is she didn't send you any recent pics. So you really know nothing, and you should stop assuming. You should start thinking she is very overweight. IF that idea doesn't scare you, go on. Weight is an oscillating variable in many people's lives, especially for women.

 

She is still young. Not being that young, I was rather self-conscious when he tried to approach me sexually the first time. I was scared of this and that (before, not so much "during"). When he felt my skin, it was even better that he could imagine in his fantasy. He's also 10 years older, so that probably counts too a little bit. Maybe it'll be the same for you too. On the positive side, you'd be spoiled for choice on where to rest (lay, use?) your hands.

[Hoaks]

Thanks Justwhoiam, you 'got' my situation really well. I thought it might be hard to understand, but you are spot on!

 

Last night we spoke for a long time about it, and she ended up sending me pictures while we were speaking. Yeah she's a little overweight, but I love her shape and told her that I knew she didn't have to worry about it.

 

She is actually coming to see me next weekend, flying down with her friend. She understands about my work at the moment so she said she didn't mind coming to see me first.

 

Also I know she doesn't have a boyfriend because her ex stalks her, she's terrified of him. She does not trust males at the moment and it's taken her a long time to open up to me.

 

Thanks everyone for their advice

[kendahke]

I was going to say that if she still refused to send you pictures of herself that it was time for you to just cut the line and let her drift. I think it's unreasonable to string someone along as an electronic pen pal, thinking that it's ok to not verify who you are, as it looks as if you have no intention on ever meeting them face to face. IMO, that is catfish territory.

 

Eventually, if the interaction is going to go forward on it's logical continuum, you're going to meet them face to face, so you might as well stand in your truth from the get-go and stop being evasive because that will start the person to thinking that there is something shady going on. If you're that insecure about how you look, then don't do OLD or LDR's, because you're not being fair. Stay out of the digital realm and operate solely in the physical realm.

 

On my dating profile, I am explicitly clear: "I am not a size 0 super model--that I'm more of a cross between Pam Grier and Nigella Lawson; I have curves and know how to use them. If I am not your cup of tea, don't contact me."

Edited August 1, 2015 by kendahke

[madjac74]

Hi guys,

 

I have seen a lot of her, video chats and everything, but won't show me a full body shot. And I don't even care, it's passed that for me, she does not believe me and is scared of rejection.

 

You can't be sure of how you are going to care about someone once the physical reality hits you. You have this image built up in your mind of her based on her personality despite pics or video images you may have seen.

 

Not to be shallow but I have been there for the "oh ****" on a few occasions. Something tells me that she has too.

[Hoaks]

She doesn't do online dating, never has, just got out of a 2 year bad relationship, and before that was in a 11 year relationship with the father of her kids. Just met her through Facebook, so it's all new to her, meeting someone from online. She's very up and down about it, so we will see....

[fred123]

be careful. i think she is coming up with excuses not to meet you or for you not to like her. she is flying with her friend. this exactly happened to me too. i was friend zoned.

 

i have a feeling you are too

[casey.lives]

Your emotions are precious. I don't recommend throwing them around, u could get life altering disappointed. Behind computers people can be different. I think you should fly out and see her ASAP. You don't want to create a well of emotions that you can't undue. Be cautious. As for her refusal to give you pictures,over the internet(eeep), maybe she wants you to fall in love with who she is, not what she looks like.(Optimism )