For those of you who didn't know s/he was married..

[unluckycharms]

How are you handling accepting that the person you thought was your boyfriend is married to someone else? At first I resorted to social media because I thought seeing someone else with his last name would smack some sense in to me but it's too painful. She found out about us and is monitoring him now, so there are more limits on when we can talk and see each other which makes this more real, but I'm still having trouble processing that everything I thought I had with this person wasn't real. How do you let go of the image of them as "yours"?

Edited August 1, 2015 by unluckycharms
Typo

[whichwayisup]

How are you handling accepting that the person you thought was your boyfriend is married to someone else? At first I resorted to social media because I thought seeing someone else with his last name would smack some sense in to me but it's too painful. She found out about us and is monitoring him now, so there are more limits on when we can talk and see each other which makes this more real, but I'm still having trouble processing that everything I thought I had with this person wasn't real. How do you let go of the image of them as "yours"?

 

May I ask? Do you plan on continuing with him, now knowing full well he is married, knowing that he lied/omitted the truth from you? Are you angry at him, enough to end it and stay away from him?

 

His wife's world just got turned upside down, as did yours. You both are his victims - But, with that sad, if you stay with him, you're a willing participant of his betrayal and not a victim anymore.

 

He isn't who you thought he was, that's for sure. I hope you let your anger and head help you see that he's not worth fighting for. Don't listen to your heart and emotions, fight that because he isn't yours, even if you feel he is.

 

He is a real sh.t to lead you on like that, hide the fact he was married all along. And he's a real sh.t to do this to his wife too!

Edited August 1, 2015 by whichwayisup

[Grapesofwrath]

How are you handling accepting that the person you thought was your boyfriend is married to someone else? At first I resorted to social media because I thought seeing someone else with his last name would smack some sense in to me but it's too painful. She found out about us and is monitoring him now, so there are more limits on when we can talk and see each other which makes this more real, but I'm still having trouble processing that everything I thought I had with this person wasn't real. How do you let go of the image of them as "yours"?

 

Charms: how long wre you together before you found out? How did you find out? How long is he married?

[SammySammy]

Very angry. Disappointed. Broke up with her immediately and didn't see her again for over a year.

[unluckycharms]

May I ask? Do you plan on continuing with him, now knowing full well he is married, knowing that he lied/omitted the truth from you? Are you angry at him, enough to end it and stay away from him?

 

His wife's world just got turned upside down, as did yours. You both are his victims - But, with that sad, if you stay with him, you're a willing participant of his betrayal and not a victim anymore.

 

He isn't who you thought he was, that's for sure. I hope you let your anger and head help you see that he's not worth fighting for. Don't listen to your heart and emotions, fight that because he isn't yours, even if you feel he is.

 

He is a real sh.t to lead you on like that, hide the fact he was married all along. And he's a real sh.t to do this to his wife too!

 

I wish I could say we completely stopped when I/she found out, but it's something that I'm still working towards. I definitely see it ending soon as reality is setting in for me that he is married and isn't breaking up with her as he originally claimed he would do, but having this sense of denial over it being real has been a huge hindrance and that's why I'd love to hear others' take on it. I'm trying to move past my anger because I don't think it's helping at this point.

 

Oh and yes, he is obviously not a good person. I'm hoping this will at least clue me in on the red flags to look out for early on so I can never get involved in this type of mess again.

[unluckycharms]

Charms: how long wre you together before you found out? How did you find out? How long is he married?

 

Does this site have a message function? Happy to answer, but the situation is pretty unique.

[Grapesofwrath]

Does this site have a message function? Happy to answer, but the situation is pretty unique.

 

It does. You have to be an established member to access it. Or maybe it can be purchased?

[unluckycharms]

It does. You have to be an established member to access it. Or maybe it can be purchased?

 

Got it. Well, without giving too many details, they've been married for less than a year and I've been involved with him for most of that time. I learned about the marriage relatively recently but long enough ago that this should have stopped already.

Edited August 1, 2015 by unluckycharms

[Poppy47]

Why would you continue? exMM told me straight away he was married. I made the choice... you didn't.

It will be so much easier to walk away right now.

 

Poppy.

[nikki76]

So, your affair is about as long as their marriage.

 

This is supposed to be the happiest time during a marriage. The Honeymoom Phase. I thought most affairs happened later in a marriage, after things get stale, kids take over and its the same ol same ol for years and years.

 

 

Im married and was having an affair with my H married friend. So Im not the best person to offer advice. But all I know, if either spouse had ANY suspicions, we wouldve been over in an instant. You guys are playing with fire, continuing this affair. You have no idea what shes capable of. And the fact that you both want to continue, knowing that his wife has suspicions, is sad.

 

I feel awfully sorry for his new wife. I hope she has enough sense to divorce his ass, then you can have him anytime you want.

 

I get that its hard to break off the affair, believe me, i do. I really hope you can read some of these stories on here, and see, how much hurt you are setting yourself up for, if you continue your affair. Its a hell of a rollercoaster ride.

Edited August 1, 2015 by nikki76

[Popsicle]

I didn't know for the first 3 weeks and he only told me because I ASKED.

[NewLeaf512]

May I ask? Do you plan on continuing with him, now knowing full well he is married, knowing that he lied/omitted the truth from you? Are you angry at him, enough to end it and stay away from him?

 

His wife's world just got turned upside down, as did yours. You both are his victims - But, with that sad, if you stay with him, you're a willing participant of his betrayal and not a victim anymore.

 

He isn't who you thought he was, that's for sure. I hope you let your anger and head help you see that he's not worth fighting for. Don't listen to your heart and emotions, fight that because he isn't yours, even if you feel he is.

 

He is a real sh.t to lead you on like that, hide the fact he was married all along. And he's a real sh.t to do this to his wife too!

 

 

That's the mistake I made. Please don't do this to yourself and MM family. I promise it only ends in disaster.

[unluckycharms]

So, your affair is about as long as their marriage.

 

This is supposed to be the happiest time during a marriage. The Honeymoom Phase. I thought most affairs happened later in a marriage, after things get stale, kids take over and its the same ol same ol for years and years.

 

 

Im married and was having an affair with my H married friend. So Im not the best person to offer advice. But all I know, if either spouse had ANY suspicions, we wouldve been over in an instant. You guys are playing with fire, continuing this affair. You have no idea what shes capable of. And the fact that you both want to continue, knowing that his wife has suspicions, is sad.

 

I feel awfully sorry for his new wife. I hope she has enough sense to divorce his ass, then you can have him anytime you want.

 

I get that its hard to break off the affair, believe me, i do. I really hope you can read some of these stories on here, and see, how much hurt you are setting yourself up for, if you continue your affair. Its a hell of a rollercoaster ride.

 

I thought the same thing (that affairs only happened later) which is why I said the situation is unique. It's definitely not unique in the sense that everyone will still end up hurt and it can only end badly, but I just didn't think people our age could be in such a hurry to mess up their marriages. I hope she divorces him too, but not because I want him for myself. Part of me does care for him a lot based on the bond we formed when I thought he was single, but I have to get rid of that image and replace it with someone so selfish that he continues to lie and cheat even after he got caught.

[unluckycharms]

Why would you continue? exMM told me straight away he was married. I made the choice... you didn't.

It will be so much easier to walk away right now.

 

Poppy.

 

It's hard because I grew attached to him while thinking he was single and we could have a future. At this point I think I'm just angry and want to hurt him, and logically I know that the best way to do that is to cut off contact with him, but I've had trouble maintaining it. I'll want him to "suffer" so I'll yell at him or make him endanger his marriage more by continuing to see me but I'm realizing that neither of these is ultimately healthy for me and they still let him have his cake and eat it too. I need to put myself first and hopefully in doing so can turn this terrible experience into a strengthening one. I don't think I'll be dating again for a while until I get my emotions in order.

[unluckycharms]

That's the mistake I made. Please don't do this to yourself and MM family. I promise it only ends in disaster.

 

Thanks. I know it can only end badly. Hoping to cut my losses and get out now - writing this all actually out makes me realize how ridiculous the situation is and helps strengthen my resolve.

[Grapesofwrath]

His marriage is not going to last. It's clear that he is not ready for marriage, and I think his wife will get that memo sooner or later. When he is divorced, I would strongly advise you against having anything further to do with him, at least for a looooong time. He needs to work on himself, a lot, before he will be suitable relationship material.

 

The guy you were dating was an illusion, unfortunately. That is very painful to realize. Take time to heal.

[unluckycharms]

His marriage is not going to last. It's clear that he is not ready for marriage, and I think his wife will get that memo sooner or later. When he is divorced, I would strongly advise you against having anything further to do with him, at least for a looooong time. He needs to work on himself, a lot, before he will be suitable relationship material.

 

The guy you were dating was an illusion, unfortunately. That is very painful to realize. Take time to heal.

 

I don't think their marriage will last either but I don't think it's going to end right away and I hope be completely emotionally detached from him by the time they're over. I definitely got the sense that his wife was trying to compete with me when she first found out about us and I've tried to resist the impulse to compete back or give in to that type of thinking because it only ends in me seeing him. And really, even if he left for me (which I guess would be "winning" in society's and the wife's eyes), what kind of prize am I getting? He's certainly not something worth fighting for. She seems smart enough to know this as well so I assume she'll reach a similar conclusion eventually and dump him. I'm just not going to wait around to see whether/when it happens.

[Grapesofwrath]

Try to get in touch with your anger toward him. that will help motivate you to walk away. forget about the W and what he's doing to her, and the way he is trampling on their marriage. That's on her to figure out. Consider what he has done to you. He has misled you, misrepresented himself, and told you countless lies about who he is.

 

It sounds like all of you are quite young. You have a lot of life and love ahead of you. Place this man where he belongs: in your past. Someday this will be just a story you tell about the time you dated a guy thinking he was single, only to find out he was lying to you and he was actually married. Wouldn't you like to be able to say, "so I dumped him like a bad habit and left him to deal with the mess he made."

[Radu]

Got it. Well, without giving too many details, they've been married for less than a year and I've been involved with him for most of that time. I learned about the marriage relatively recently but long enough ago that this should have stopped already.

 

So after the honeymoon he went and got himself a mistress.

 

And when you found out, you chose to wait and see, wait for him to break up with her.

 

At this point i have to ask ... do you enjoy pain and humiliation ?

[unluckycharms]

Try to get in touch with your anger toward him. that will help motivate you to walk away. forget about the W and what he's doing to her, and the way he is trampling on their marriage. That's on her to figure out. Consider what he has done to you. He has misled you, misrepresented himself, and told you countless lies about who he is.

 

It sounds like all of you are quite young. You have a lot of life and love ahead of you. Place this man where he belongs: in your past. Someday this will be just a story you tell about the time you dated a guy thinking he was single, only to find out he was lying to you and he was actually married. Wouldn't you like to be able to say, "so I dumped him like a bad habit and left him to deal with the mess he made."

 

Thanks. We are young but not fresh out of college (think mid/late 20s to early/mid 30s). I went through a period of intense anger towards him once I figured out he was lying to me but at this point I'm just tired and want to be done with it.

 

It's funny - I think you must be a mind reader because I am not speaking with him right now, hopefully for good, and one of my best defense mechanisms when he tries to contact me or I feel like contacting him is to think back on my past bad relationships and how they seemed SO serious at the time but are now just a funny story over drinks with friends. I know this will be the same, but the day-by-day can still be hard sometimes.

[Goodbye]

My exMM presented himself as "in the process of a divorce" which was fully credible to me as my own divorce took 4 years. We were very long distance and the reality of the situation was easy to hide. When I found out that he had not even filed for divorce and his wife clearly had NO idea he was traveling for romance and not business, I ended things. But it was not a clean ending. People love to say...JUST END IT. I know it isn't that easy, especially if you are dealing with disbelief and a broken heart.

 

You do sound like you are in touch with reality. You know it is wrong. You know its not going to work out. I think you'll be ok. You'll end it, heal...stay away. I wish you the best. I assume from what you've mentioned, the wife knows. Sounds like his marriage may end as well...but you deserve better, and so does she. Someone who gets married, immediately strays and presents himself to women as single is just not the commitment type of guy. This is fine...everyone is different. Tell him to stick to escort services going forward and leave you and his wife alone.

[Lois_Griffin]

How are you handling accepting that the person you thought was your boyfriend is married to someone else? At first I resorted to social media because I thought seeing someone else with his last name would smack some sense in to me but it's too painful. She found out about us and is monitoring him now, so there are more limits on when we can talk and see each other which makes this more real, but I'm still having trouble processing that everything I thought I had with this person wasn't real. How do you let go of the image of them as "yours"?

Actually, I did experience a lying married dirt bag claiming to be divorcing and available to date.

 

None of it was true. I came to find out afterwards he was very actively married the whole time.

 

He managed to scam me for a good long time until I found out.

 

My hatred for him was almost instantaneous.

 

Anyone who thought THAT little of me to lie to me and scam me to that extent - all for his OWN selfish gain, knowing he was setting me up for a fall - wasn't worthy of any love or respect from me, WHASOEVER. He's very lucky he didn't cross my path once I found out because I would have likely made him bleed.

 

The gloves came off. I immediately went right to his wife and told her everything. Gave her tons of emails, letters, pictures, dates, times, everything. EVERYTHING.

 

I honestly can't put myself in your place because once I discovered how disrespected and manipulated I'd been at the hands of a lying sack of sh*t, I couldn't even IMAGINE feeling anything but disgust for him. I can't wrap my brain around how you can still have feelings for him. I just cant.

[unluckycharms]

My exMM presented himself as "in the process of a divorce" which was fully credible to me as my own divorce took 4 years. We were very long distance and the reality of the situation was easy to hide. When I found out that he had not even filed for divorce and his wife clearly had NO idea he was traveling for romance and not business, I ended things. But it was not a clean ending. People love to say...JUST END IT. I know it isn't that easy, especially if you are dealing with disbelief and a broken heart.

 

You do sound like you are in touch with reality. You know it is wrong. You know its not going to work out. I think you'll be ok. You'll end it, heal...stay away. I wish you the best. I assume from what you've mentioned, the wife knows. Sounds like his marriage may end as well...but you deserve better, and so does she. Someone who gets married, immediately strays and presents himself to women as single is just not the commitment type of guy. This is fine...everyone is different. Tell him to stick to escort services going forward and leave you and his wife alone.

 

Thank you for the advice and kind words. When I found out about the marriage he also told me that he was in the process of divorcing. I know now from reading others' stories that this is a very common lie, but I was so naive that I believed it at first. I know this isn't an excuse, but I'm young enough that none of my close friends are married and I hadn't seen this play out before. He would tell me how much he loved me, how special I was etc. and it would always manage to suck me back in. In hindsight, I am guessing my inexperience and vulnerability were probably a draw for him, but I think that reflects more poorly on him than on me.

[unluckycharms]

Actually, I did experience a lying married dirt bag claiming to be divorcing and available to date.

 

None of it was true. I came to find out afterwards he was very actively married the whole time.

 

He managed to scam me for a good long time until I found out.

 

My hatred for him was almost instantaneous.

 

Anyone who thought THAT little of me to lie to me and scam me to that extent - all for his OWN selfish gain, knowing he was setting me up for a fall - wasn't worthy of any love or respect from me, WHASOEVER. He's very lucky he didn't cross my path once I found out because I would have likely made him bleed.

 

The gloves came off. I immediately went right to his wife and told her everything. Gave her tons of emails, letters, pictures, dates, times, everything. EVERYTHING.

 

I honestly can't put myself in your place because once I discovered how disrespected and manipulated I'd been at the hands of a lying sack of sh*t, I couldn't even IMAGINE feeling anything but disgust for him. I can't wrap my brain around how you can still have feelings for him. I just cant.

 

I really admire your ability to do that. I wish I had been so strong (I was furious and did some things to get revenge but apparently they weren't enough to end it). I've learned a lot about setting boundaries from this experience and I won't let it happen again.

[sandylee1]

I had an EX BF that wasn't married, but he had a long GF. I found out through a friend and I was furious. I felt totally disrespected and annoyed that I'd introduced him to my family.

 

When I confronted him over the phone, it was basically to tell him I knew and he was a bl***dy liar and that I didn't want to have anything to do with him ever again. My friend suggested I out him at an upcoming event, but that's not my style. I wasn't gonna let him think he all that , as he had a big enough ego as it was.

 

I see no future in a relationship where a man deceives me from the get go. I just put it down to experience and move on.