For those of you who didn't know s/he was married..

[MJJean]

I thought the same thing (that affairs only happened later) which is why I said the situation is unique.

You'd be surprised. I know a few marriages that experienced infidelity in the first year, including mine.

 

I cheated on my exH before and after the ceremony. My first ONS was less than a month in. Don't feel bad for him, he was cheating, too. We separated after 5 years, total, got a divorce and have both remarried. He cheated on his new wife, less than a year in. I have been faithful.

 

My friend, J, married A. A cheated less than a year in and they divorced.

 

J then married K. K left him for her ex, who she was sleeping with, in under 6 months. J is in a LTR and I have no idea what happened to K.

 

C married M because she was pregnant with their 2nd child. M got another woman pregnant before the baby was born and C paid for the OWs abortion. They divorced a few years later and M went on to cheat on his next 2 wives.

 

Then C married D, who slept with his ex less than a year in. C and D divorced a few years later. C is in a LTR. D committed suicide 30 days after the divorce was final.

 

M married B and had 2 affairs within the first year. One was with N, who was also a newlywed. M and B stayed together. N is in process of a divorce.

 

Another M married, cheated, and had the divorce finalized within the first year. He's since remarried 2 more times and divorced 2 more times.

 

First Ms daughter married in May of last year. She met someone at work and fell in love. She filed for divorce so she could be with her AP in April. The divorce was final in July.

 

In my RL experience, it's not that uncommon at all. I think a lot of people just sweep it under the rug and try to fix the marriage or simply don't admit there has been infidelity because they're ashamed they cheated or were cheated on so soon.

Edited August 4, 2015 by MJJean

[winterkeep]

I'm in this situation.

 

I wish it were as simple as "ok you lied to me now **** off" I'd always seen infidelity as black and white - to me it was wrong and I was certain that I would NEVER find myself as an OW.

 

When he told me that he was married I was already in love and believed he was in love with me and that we had a genuine relationship; he admitted that he waited until he knew I had fallen for hm before telling me. I wish that the second he told me that I'd have mustered all my dignity and walked away, instead I was left an emotional wreck wanting to believe all his tales of his unhappiness and the emptiness of his marriage.

 

We didn't see each other again but this was due to physical dislocation more then anything, I do not know what would have happened if we were in the same town - I think it would have come to an abrupt halt much sooner as reality would have set in but distance allowed me to pretend his wife didn't exist and we continued to talk for weeks after multiple times a day and planned to see each other.

 

As time went on though I couldn't live with it, I struggled and he grew distant. (Un?) consciously I pushed him away, when we spoke i felt like a single woman with a single partner, when we hung up I felt like everything they call us on the betrayed spouse boards - I tortured myself reading there.

 

One day he just disappeared and I'm relieved - well disappeared is a bit simplistic but I'm not ready to go into the full details of my story yet but the effect is the same!

 

So here I am, a few weeks out and wavering between doing well and not doing well. I really did love him and thought he loved me, I thought we had a relationship and am still coming to terms with the fact that it was all a lie. Not only do I have the usual self esteem/abandonment issues that come at the end of most relationships I also have a lot of self recriminations and doubt over my inability to end it right away. I have a lot of reflecting to do and am no where near healed enough to do so yet, so for now I'm trying to pray again but cannot ask for forgiveness and feel as though there's a whole side to myself I don't know.

Edited August 5, 2015 by winterkeep

[unluckycharms]

I'm in this situation.

 

I wish it were as simple as "ok you lied to me now **** off" I'd always seen infidelity as black and white - to me it was wrong and I was certain that I would NEVER find myself as an OW.

 

When he told me that he was married I was already in love and believed he was in love with me and that we had a genuine relationship; he admitted that he waited until he knew I had fallen for hm before telling me. I wish that the second he told me that I'd have mustered all my dignity and walked away, instead I was left an emotional wreck wanting to believe all his tales of his unhappiness and the emptiness of his marriage.

 

We didn't see each other again but this was due to physical dislocation more then anything, I do not know what would have happened if we were in the same town - I think it would have come to an abrupt halt much sooner as reality would have set in but distance allowed me to pretend his wife didn't exist and we continued to talk for weeks after multiple times a day and planned to see each other.

 

As time went on though I couldn't live with it, I struggled and he grew distant. (Un?) consciously I pushed him away, when we spoke i felt like a single woman with a single partner, when we hung up I felt like everything they call us on the betrayed spouse boards - I tortured myself reading there.

 

One day he just disappeared and I'm relieved - well disappeared is a bit simplistic but I'm not ready to go into the full details of my story yet but the effect is the same!

 

So here I am, a few weeks out and wavering between doing well and not doing well. I really did love him and thought he loved me, I thought we had a relationship and am still coming to terms with the fact that it was all a lie. Not only do I have the usual self esteem/abandonment issues that come at the end of most relationships I also have a lot of self recriminations and doubt over my inability to end it right away. I have a lot of reflecting to do and am no where near healed enough to do so yet, so for now I'm trying to pray again but cannot ask for forgiveness and feel as though there's a whole side to myself I don't know.

 

Hey, thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of it. I've never even cheated on a boyfriend and never thought I'd find myself in this situation either, but I try to remember that it's not my fault that he was a liar and a bad person. That's on him. I also try not to beat myself up for not ending it immediately. I suppose in a perfect world we would all have the ability and experience to walk away the instant someone wronged us, but it's hard to give up someone you love whether or not you're married to them. Thinking of my relationship with my ex as black (I'm still seeing him) vs. white (we're not talking at all) just kept me going back to him because I never lingered in the gray area long enough to realize how bad our situation was. It's like being on a diet - just because you messed up and ate one potato chip doesn't mean you have to give up and eat the whole bag.

 

Even though your ex has disappeared for now I think it's good to get in the mindset of going no contact if/when he resurfaces. I tried to push mine away like you did to avoid the difficulty of breaking up but it didn't work. I was actually so angry when I realized he was lying to me that I told his wife about us and he still didn't end it. Some guys are just serial cheaters and will keep stealing cookies from the cookie jar no matter how many times they get caught. I had to cut him off completely (at least as far as it concerns me) and remind myself that he has no incentive to stop. Ignore the haters and focus on healing - consider it practice for ignoring him and getting him out of your head. I'm hoping that writing all of this out helps maintain my resolve to ignore his calls and I'll think good thoughts for you! : )

Edited August 5, 2015 by unluckycharms

[unluckycharms]

Posting here again mostly to hold myself accountable because I gave in after a period of NC and returned one of his calls last week. We started fighting almost immediately, so I told him that we should go back to not talking, but he showed up at my place anyway saying the usual bs about how much he loves me and it's been a rollercoaster ride of craziness and drama since. As I said in my last post (and I'll admit I was initially too afraid to post this part of the story because of how awful it makes me seem), I told his wife about us when I first found out that he was married and it has become a huge point of contention between us and a basis for more arguments and threats. I feel like we simultaneously hate and are addicted to each other in some sick way for it to have gone this far, but I affirmatively told him never to contact me again this time so I'm praying it sticks.

[whichwayisup]

Only YOU can make it stick. Next time he shows up at your house, call the cops. He may not respect NC, but you need to. Stop calling him back. Every time NC is broken, you get hurt. NC = no new hurts.

[unluckycharms]

Only YOU can make it stick. Next time he shows up at your house, call the cops. He may not respect NC, but you need to. Stop calling him back. Every time NC is broken, you get hurt. NC = no new hurts.

 

Thanks. I made it clear that I would involve the police if he came near me again as he's made some pretty serious and specific threats to my safety and privacy. He's very obviously sick in the head and I can't believe I ever thought I loved this person.

 

Moral of the story for anyone reading is that if your gut tells you something is off about someone or you catch them in a lie, RUN as soon as you can - do not pass go, do not collect $200, just get the f out before you let them become any more involved in your life. If I'd listened to my own advice I wouldn't have to be afraid to leave my house at night for the next few days.

Edited August 12, 2015 by unluckycharms

[unluckycharms]

Depressing update time. My ex (not sure how to refer to him) didn't call me for almost 2 weeks when I threatened to contact the police but eventually he did again, from an unknown number. 2 weeks is by far the longest we've ever gone without talking and I was curious what he was up to so I answered without thinking it through. We have been on and off since then - off for the last week and hopefully for good. I actually had a panic attack, complete with crying and screaming at him, when he called me because I was so mad at him for not letting me go and mad at myself for giving in, but I was still too weak to stay away.

 

He's incredibly verbally abusive. I'll fully admit that I argue with him and say things in anger but he attacks me as a person and tries to break me down. It's always all my fault that we keep seeing each other according to him, and he will call me crazy and say or imply that I'm forcing him to see me. Apparently I can force someone 10+ years older than me to call me and have sex with me, who knew? He also takes his anger at his lack of self control out on me and will go from affectionate to screaming at me within 10 minutes. His favorite thing to do is tell me to "leave him the f alone" and tell me how he's never going to talk to me again to the point that I'm crying because I hate being yelled at - but then he always calls again or answers my calls and ends up blaming me for everything. He was jealous and controlling even before I knew he was married but he was also super affectionate and loving, so I guess I didn't see him for what he was until it was too late.

 

In our last conversation, I said some terrible things so I tried to call to apologize and end on a good note but he just screamed at me again and I can't take it anymore. I'm falling apart crying and I have no one to talk to about this because they think I'm an idiot for ever going back to him in the first place. He's broken me down so badly that I have no confidence left and I'm afraid to leave. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what's real anymore because of all the manipulation. I know the affair aspect of this story is unsympathetic but if anyone can let me know of any resources on how to cope with this type of behavior I'd be greatly appreciative.

Edited September 16, 2015 by unluckycharms
Typo