Purposely ignoring me.

[ohnoo]

I've been talking to a guy for 7 months now and we're supposed to meet this month. Everything is good, Skype everyday when we can.

 

 

Lately, he has been having problems. It's a bad year to be honest and I can see this, we've been chatting since January. Last week, his dad got cancer and he's not getting enough money to make the trip. (He's a construction worker and there have been lots of rain in his area. Rainy days = no work) There were unexpected expenses and injuries too. He sent me a sort of emo text earlier this week and I thought he was done with me but he adamantly said no and that he was just very disappointed in himself that he couldn't be the man that I can depend on. He also said that I'm the only thing that's going great in his life. I was asking him when we're gonna buy the tickets and I think he got sad/embarrassed/disappointed cos he still isn't ready. However, I made sure that it's completely ok if we can't make it this month.

 

So here's the thing...3 days ago, I was checking old apps in my phone to delete and went in the chat app where we met. It's where you can search for people who have the same interests as you. I saw that his profile was recently updated with 2 new pics and a new profile pic (food pic). I got pissed and sent an angry text. No replies. He's purposely ignoring me for 3 days now. I sent him 5 messages. The 2 were read and the 3 were not. He didn't even bother to read them!!! I'm thinking that he might be doing a fade so my last message to him was that if he wants out then be an adult and just tell me instead of ignoring.

 

I'm not gonna send messages anymore. My plan is, it's my birthday on Monday if he doesn't care enough to greet me then I'm moving on.

 

 

Some info:

 

- It's not a dating app but I got pissed because why is he back there and as if he's there to search for men. Of course he's going to search for women! 99% of the time women get invites, men search and send the invites. He said before that he doesn't go there anymore when he started chatting with me. I also made my profile unsearchable way before. Yes, this is a red flag but I honestly think he doesn't have another woman because the free time that he has he talks to me. When we're texting, the replies are instant too. I might be wrong but I never doubted him until this. I just feel that it's so unfair that he'd do that, why would he go back there to find some other woman to chat with? He makes me feel that he's bored with me.

 

- I showed my friend some of his messages and her conclusion is that he might be feeling pressured and embarrassed at the moment.

 

- I personally think that he doesn't wanna deal with me being mad and I'm adding to his problems but I'm also thinking that he went to that chat app perhaps to find another woman who lives in his country. Less expensive for him to meet. I'm rambling, I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Any opinions?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry girl, but I think you're right: he's lost interest for whatever reason and is ending it in a cowardly way. If you're a plane ride away, that tells me the distance is pretty significant and might just be too much for him. He might also have realized it was about to get more serious by meeting you and he doesn't want to lead you on if that's not what he's looking for.

 

 

The bottom line is that you don't really know someone until you spend time together in person. Anyone can put their best foot forward online; you're only seeing snippets of who they really are.

 

For now, stop messaging him. Don't check his activity on this app, as that will only drive you crazy. He's giving clear signals that he doesn't want to communicate right now.

[ohnoo]

^ Thank you.

Well, he already lead me on. Sending me videos asking to be exclusive, sending me flowers and gifts, saying his future plans with me. If all that is fake then good thing we haven't met yet.

 

Also, purposely ignoring me is cruel. I already gave him his way out twice, all he had to do was take it. Geez.

Edited August 1, 2015 by ohnoo

[justwhoiam]

I'm trying to say what I want to say in the nicest way possible.

My considerations are general observations regarding your luck with guys.

 

First of all: is this your 4th LD guy? 5th? How many did you line up so far?

 

1. Trying to date guys from afar is reducing your success in love and in having a decent LT relationship.

 

2. Using certain instant messengers (like KakaoTalk) or dating websites brings high chances that people using them will entertain chats and relations with many people/partners at once. Even when you develop something personal one on one, it's still very likely that the other person is not ruling everyone else out, especially when everything is still fresh (weeks or months old).

 

3. Sharing nude pictures or exchanging personal videos with sexual content very early on will keep the wrong guys hooked. Sure, it's the quickest way to raise interest, and I might believe your good faith if you said that you only did because you really were into the guy, but most guys will take that for what it is, which is they will use the fun coming from it, but not taking you seriously enough.

 

4. Something tells me that you might get defensive after reading all this, as you've done the same on previous occasions. People warned you about this and that, but you disregarded good advice, because you thought you knew better. Maybe now you can look into all this.

[ird]

I'm trying to say what I want to say in the nicest way possible.

My considerations are general observations regarding your luck with guys.

 

First of all: is this your 4th LD guy? 5th? How many did you line up so far?

 

1. Trying to date guys from afar is reducing your success in love and in having a decent LT relationship.

 

2. Using certain instant messengers (like KakaoTalk) or dating websites brings high chances that people using them will entertain chats and relations with many people/partners at once. Even when you develop something personal one on one, it's still very likely that the other person is not ruling everyone else out, especially when everything is still fresh (weeks or months old).

 

3. Sharing nude pictures or exchanging personal videos with sexual content very early on will keep the wrong guys hooked. Sure, it's the quickest way to raise interest, and I might believe your good faith if you said that you only did because you really were into the guy, but most guys will take that for what it is, which is they will use the fun coming from it, but not taking you seriously enough.

 

4. Something tells me that you might get defensive after reading all this, as you've done the same on previous occasions. People warned you about this and that, but you disregarded good advice, because you thought you knew better. Maybe now you can look into all this.

 

This is all very good advice. Try to find someone closer. He's probably really stressed that he's being pushed to actually meet you, rather than just having the convenient phone/internet relationship with you. In combination to the other stressful factors in his life.

[ohnoo]

@justwhoiam

 

I'll also try to say what I want to say as nice as possible. I'd rather you focus on the current situation rather than snooping around my history and giving a general judgement.

 

This is my third. My first post was a dumb one, that's the first time that I entertained the idea of being seriously romantic online without meeting the person first, I don't consider that as a relationship. That was naive of me but hey it's my first time. I've learned from that and as you can see from this post, I didn't call this new guy that I have yet to meet, my "boyfriend".

 

"How many did you line up so far?"

I find this offensive. You make it sound like I'm this woman who's hungry for a relationship when I'm not! I'm a talented woman who happens to be cute so yeah I have admirers. Mind you, there was an 8-month gap between this man and the last one.

 

I'm NOT and have NEVER been on dating websites. I was NOT actively looking at all! Yes you're correct about messengers but it's also no different from Facebook and everyone has Facebook. Let me elaborate where these men came from:

- One was my Korean boss, he's a producer and we worked on an animated film before. He has office in 3 countries hence the LDR.

- Second was an e-mail buddy for years. He saw me through an app like Instagram and what I have there were mostly my artworks and he likes them so he contacted me and it was completely friendly mails since he had a girlfriend who also likes my art.

- This current guy was from the chat app that I installed as a distraction during the break-up phase with my ex. We both were not looking for anything other than a clean chat and it was clearly stated in our profile there.

 

 

To answer number one: Dating local guys will make me feel that I'm settling. I'm from a religious country and I'm an agnostic atheist and no way I'm entertaining religious men ever again. I have local suitors and I've had a semi live-in relationship before which was also my shortest relationship and if I tolerated that then I'd be married now and have kids that are baptized and are attending Catholic schools. So no thanks, that's not what I want. I'm also not physically attracted to men of the same ethnicity, well, race actually. I'm way more attracted to Caucasian men than Asian men. I've only been dating Asian men because I'm bothered by how I'll be seen in my country but yeah I'm 31 now and I don't give a rat's ass how narrow-minded people in my country will view me anymore. I will go after men that I want and even if it fails, I'm happy that I didn't settle for someone who's available and is just around the corner. Settling will be a great disservice to myself.

 

No. 3: Yes, I agree and that's common sense. You "might" believe? You probably view me as those bimbo girls who have butt and boobs pics on Instagram. NO! I don't even show cleavage. I don't use my body to lure men. I'm just comfortable with showing it to someone that's already hooked on me and that I'm also into and have built trust with and I only do it when I'm in the mood. Seriously, this isn't an issue at all. It's just like what will happen in real life, if both parties are in the mood.

 

No. 4: I don't know where you got this. I mostly agreed with people who gave advice and the only time that I can remember being defensive was my last post about the no contact after the break up but guess what? If you've read 'til the end, you'll know that I did follow NC. I'm also going to get defensive when people give poor judgement and think they know me.

[justwhoiam]

I was right about you getting defensive

 

Anyway, all I could understand from your last post was that you're doing everything right and you're happy with the outcome. While most of your previous posts were complaining about something (uncaring/inconsistent behavior, on-off communication, rudeness, fading interest, petty fights, and more).

 

I'm not here to judge, rather to offer a different perspective compared to the one you have from the inside.

 

Now I'm wondering: what are you looking for exactly? A Western guy who will entertain a LT LDR with you? Or?

 

Here below I'll comment on some of the things you wrote.

 

"I'd rather you focus on the current situation rather than snooping around my history and giving a general judgement."

I read your past threads when you posted them... Does that qualify as snooping? You're making it seem as if LS members were not minding their business, while I think they're here to offer their insight and help. I think you need to reverse your perception here.

 

"This is my third."

I think I counted 4. And all of them LD. Even if you wrote "my first was a dumb post", you had a (virtual?) LDR for 8 months. Why shouldn't we count it?

 

"I find this offensive."

Sorry if it sounded offensive to you, "line up" gave me a sense of sequence (of several men from online and all LD).

 

"You make it sound like I'm this woman who's hungry for a relationship when I'm not!"

Ok, I was misled here. I really thought you were looking for a boyfriend. What then?

 

"I'm NOT and have NEVER been on dating websites."

Mine was a general comment: Using certain instant messengers (like KakaoTalk, THIS APPLIES TO YOU) or dating websites (THIS MAY OR MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU). Just as an example, it's as if you told me "I broke my leg doing sport" and I said "Oh, you have to pay attention with some sports like skiing and parachuting", where I know you ski and I know you don't skydive. Get it?

 

"I was NOT actively looking at all!"

I guess this is inconsequential. It's as if you went to a club to dance and you met someone, and then he becomes your guy. It doesn't matter whether you were looking or not. Bottom line is you started "dating him". Right? (This is all hypothetically speaking).

 

"Yes you're correct about messengers but it's also no different from Facebook and everyone has Facebook."

The FB crowd is much more varied.

Kakaotalk is not officially "advertised" by its developers as a dating app, nevertheless its users started spreading the word (see here for an example of what I'm talking about) and believe me, now it's all over the web, most guys will use it to find Asian girls. Also, you can search and target people using that app on OKCupid (famous dating website).

 

"Dating local guys will make me feel that I'm settling."

I guess the opposite of settling is ongoing dating and possibly ongoing break ups. Does that appeal to you?

 

"I'm way more attracted to Caucasian men than Asian men. I've only been dating Asian men because I'm bothered by how I'll be seen in my country"

So you've been using men to come across as "normal" and fit in your community? And let me ask: if you date Caucasian men, do you tend to keep it secret?

Anyway, now it makes sense that you will have LDR, because you are naturally drawn to Western guys. But what's your ideal situation? You moving west, him moving east, or no one moving at all ever, and just go on regular trips back and forth?

 

"I'm happy that I didn't settle for someone who's available and is just around the corner. Settling will be a great disservice to myself." How would it be a disservice, if you can explain? Don't constant break ups generate more distress?

 

"You probably view me as those bimbo girls who have butt and boobs pics on Instagram."

I don't use Instagram, so I have no idea.

 

"I'm just comfortable with showing it to someone that's already hooked on me and that I'm also into and have built trust with and I only do it when I'm in the mood. Seriously, this isn't an issue at all. It's just like what will happen in real life, if both parties are in the mood."

I just said what I thought about it. No issue until it becomes an issue.

 

"I don't know where you got this."

Past threads.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think justwhoiam asked an important question: what are you looking for, exactly? In your ideal relationship, what would happen? You re-locate or a Western man re-locate to be with you?

 

Also, I wouldn't exactly call reading your past threads snooping. You posted them on a public forum, and sometimes they really do help to provide context for the current thread, even if the poster is asking about a different situation. Sometimes patterns show up throughout different threads, which can help respondents give better feedback which is more relevant. You can't really fault members for browsing.

 

Having said all of that, I agree that the way this man has handled this is immature and unnecessary. He might have realized that he got way ahead of himself asking you be exclusive (exclusive what? chat friends?) when he's never even met you. Some people really do just like the idea or the fantasy of a partner but when reality hits, they back off.

 

In the future, I'd caution you against putting too much weight into declarations of love or promises of a relationship before physically meeting someone. I wouldn't spend months chatting with a man if there were no definite plans to meet - ie.. plane ticket in hand.

[ohnoo]

@justwhoiam

 

Yeah, I know you'll say that but like what my last sentence says, I'm gonna get defensive when I'm being judged poorly or when they get something wrong. I don't think people can get the whole picture just by a few posts. It's not like people post happy things here. All the men I've entertained, except one, came back and wanted a second chance but I declined and I wouldn't write about it here cos I don't feel the need to. My point is people just see the problems and not the whole picture.

 

I don't consider the first one as a relationship because we haven't met in person, just how I don't consider the current one for the same reason.

 

I'm not hungry as in having a relationship is not my main focus but when I have it, I want it to be long lasting.

 

"Kakaotalk is not officially "advertised" by its developers as a dating app..."

Because it's so not! Kakaotalk is just a messenger like Skype, Whatsapp, Viber, etc. It's all over the net because it's extremely good. You need to install another app or you need to know people's usernames to be able to talk to them like in your link, you need Meetrrrrrrrr. Meetrrrrrr is the dating app, not Kakao and I don't even know if that's a real app cos it's not google-able. I saw the OkCupid page, so what? There's a Skype page too. They're under interests like everything else. Yeah, it's popular in Asia so I can see why people would wanna look for it in a dating site if they wanna find Asian people but even so, it's just a messenger and maybe you should try it because in my opinion, it's the most well-designed messenger out there that's why it's popular. Yes, I know what you mean by messengers but my point is it's way easier to message a random person in FB than in Kakaotalk. Click a button in FB and chat away while in Kakaotalk, you need the app and you need their username...and you probably need another app if you wanna see people who publicly announces their usernames.

 

"I guess the opposite of settling is ongoing dating and possibly ongoing break ups. Does that appeal to you?"

YES it does if it means that I'm with someone who I'm attracted and inlove with.

 

"So you've been using men to come across as "normal" and fit in your community? And let me ask: if you date Caucasian men, do you tend to keep it secret?"

 

Using what?! I didn't use anyone. I just mean that I did not entertain Caucasian men before. I also said *MORE* attracted.

Let me copy and paste, "I'm 31 now and I don't give a rat's ass how narrow-minded people in my country will view me anymore." so no, I don't plan to keep it a secret and there's no need for that. If you have a white man walking beside you, you'll be judged.

 

Ideally, it will have to be me moving as the pay here is terrible if he decides to work here and by terrible, I mean $10 minimum and that's for a day, not per hour. Third world. Fortunately, I earn in dollars and my work is online. I can just have a laptop and move anywhere.

 

"How would it be a disservice, if you can explain? Don't constant break ups generate more distress?"

It will be a disservice if I settle for someone that I don't like just because he lives around the corner and I really don't see a future with a local guy. If I'm not interested from the start then won't that have a much higher chance of a break up? And why would someone enter a relationship if they don't like the person anyway? Btw, when I say local, I mean the same ethnicity and is religious like everyone here. If I find someone that I'm attracted to and who's an agnostic atheist and lives in my area, then that's awesome but that's like a needle in a haystack.

 

"I don't use Instagram, so I have no idea."

Well, now you know. I'm not someone who will send body pics easily to lure men. Ew, no way. I also don't flaunt my body online publicly. Also, I've been right so far on who to trust since it's been years and no male friends have approached me and say they saw me in a some site and I'm not worried at all.

 

"Past threads."

Invalid answer and I don't want to repeat myself anymore.

 

 

@ExpatInItaly

 

Well, I prefer it if people give thoughts on the current situation.

 

I want what every woman wants, a lasting relationship with a man that I'm in love with. It's hard because I'm not attracted to local guys but ideally, I want the guy to live near me and maybe we can migrate to a non-religious country in the future to raise a family. I really don't want my kids to be religious.

 

I agree. That's why I wouldn't call this a relationship or him a boyfriend. I'm also ok, I'm not that emotionally invested. I would actually still meet-up with this guy if he contacts me after all this but not the way that he wanted, it'd be just as a friend which I think he needs more. And no, I'm not excusing what he did, it's immature and cowardly but with all his problems, I actually feel sorry for him, I think he needs a hug.

[Lois_Griffin]

LOL...it's not considered 'snooping' when this website GIVES you a person's past posting history.

 

Bottom line - people can pretend to be whoever they WANT to be online. It's one big fantasy and all you're seeing is what they WANT you to see. It's not like you can jump in your car and drive to their house and surprise them. Everything you see and hear is what they're allowing you to see and hear.

 

Period.

 

If you don't want to meet gentlemen in your own community and prefer to form 'relationships' online, the chances they'll pan out to be 100% authentic are pretty low. You probably have a better chance of winning the lottery.

 

You know why he's updated his profile and is looking for new 'conquests' to chat with? Because he's taken your chat relationship as far as he could and now it's time to put his money where his mouth is and actually MEET YOU in person - and it was never his intention for it get that far. He's just been enjoying the online fantasy and that's why all these sudden calamities are being brought up - no money, no work, his father suddenly being diagnosed with cancer, the sudden unexpected work costs and injuries, and blah blah blah. Now that the next logical step is meeting, he's giving you every excuse why he CAN'T.

 

Now that the fantasy has run it's course, he's looking to start all over with another victim. There are SO many people like in this in the world. Lonely, bored, delusional, just looking for something to fill the void but never intending to bring it any farther than their keyboards.

 

That's why he's disappeared. The fantasy is over.