mllebanana Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 (edited) My boyfriend of almost 5 years just recently told me one of the worst lies he has ever told. He told me, after 2 months prior to the incident, that he went to a strip club, got a lap dance, but worst of all, touched and carressed the breasts, inner thighs, ass, and head of the stripper, and that they flirted and made small talk. He told her she was turning him on, etc. This occurred after he went to a stag one night. The morning after I had asked him if he went to the strip club, and he lied to my face. He claims that he did this because I have been emotionally and physically rejected him, which is only partially true. I love him more than anything and simply was too exhausted and drained to have sex with him and give him the attention & affection that I used to because I was commuting an hour to work and working full-time for the first year - I was completely burned out this year. I am a teacher so now I am on summer vacation. Now, going back a few years (or less), my boyfriend has lied to my face about A LOT of things, including: him doing cocaine while we were dating, him doing mdma while we were dating, him smoking (A LOT OF) weed while we were dating, all of which he looked me in the eye and said NO. Those things I am over because they (not to my knowledge) happen anymore, but this thing with the stripper absolutely kills me because it's lying about him being with another woman. How will I ever be able to trust that he won't lie to me again, when he already has, several time? How will I get the image of him touching a woman's naked body out of my mind, even if it is a stripper? Facts: I lost my virginity to him, he is my only real boyfriend, I come from a traditional European family (I am also his only real girlfriend, and he also comes from a traditional European family). Edited August 1, 2015 by mllebanana Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 I love him more than anything and simply was too exhausted and drained to have sex with him and give him the attention & affection that I used to because I was commuting an hour to work and working full-time for the first year - I was completely burned out this year. You don't seem any more protective of the relationship than he does. Why be with someone when you don't seem to have the time and he doesn't have the inclination ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mllebanana Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 That is a very good point, I guess I just figured we'd be ok once the school year was over. Once the job started (it was a full-year LTO - so contract position for a teaching position, one hour away where he lives). We both live at home still so I commuted an hour every day, hoping that this year I would buy a place and move there so that we could be together. I thought he would be able to wait it out with me and that we would be ok in time, never did I think he would go do that... or at least, do it behind my back. It's that he touched her what makes me sick, not the other stuff. I don't care that he went or got a lap dance. I just can't get the image of him doing this out of my mind. Then when I ask him, since you were allowed to touch her, would it be ok for me to touch a naked stripper, or for someone to touch me naked? he flips. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mllebanana Posted August 1, 2015 Author Share Posted August 1, 2015 I also should add, we live on hour apart but on weekends we stay downtown in one of our family's condos. So we live together almost half the week, and have been doing this for over 3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 He's lied to you about the drugs. He's lied to you about the stripper. He is deflecting the blame back on to you and making it seem like it is your fault. What else has he been lying about and why do you want someone in your life you treats you like this? I would end the relationship... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 The activities with the strippers is just juvenile and boarish behavior but not cheating IHMO. I personally don't consider that a reason to dump someone. The chronic lying is however. As is the drug abuse. Those are two perfectly valid reasons to dump him and find someone of a higher moral character. If you want to throw in the grab-assing with the stripper as more grounds for dumping him, go right ahead. Then find someone that is not only of higher moral character but also more mature and dignified as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Real love and commitment are hard and not nearly as fun as a hook-up or playing with a whore - um, I mean stripper. You're not giving him the nookie you used to because real life has intruded on fantasy. Either believe he'll grow up or end it now. You can't trust him they way he thinks now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Well perhaps it is not a good match. It sounds like you are unable to provide for each other's needs, and fit the ideals of what each other want. He sounds like he "likes to party" and enjoys drugs and sex. You sound very "traditional" and do not place a high priority on sex (sorry, I work and commute at least 13 hours a day, and when under the gun for big projects, sometimes I will put in 16 hour days). I still have a strong desire for and initiate sex often - it's a priority for me. I couldn't imagine "putting it off" till summer - this may not work for your BF either. That said, it's hard to "fake" or force a sex drive - so I am not asking you to change for him - it just might be an area where you two aren't on the same wave length. And as for his drug use - I have a feeling that he knew you would disapprove - so he lied. Not saying what he did was right - but he most likely didn't want to change. So it was easiest for him to just lie. When I met my BF - he didn't approve of any drug use - and I was a crazy partier in college - BUT I stopped all drug use because I knew he disapproved and I didn't want him thinking less of me. I also told him about what I did use to do. And lastly, no, I wouldn't consider what your BF did as cheating - but I can tell you and I have very different views on sex. It really only matters if you feel it was cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Sorry, I'm not sure from your post.... Are you saying that all this happened (drugs, stripper) in the first few months of you dating 5 years ago? I'm more forgiving of those sorts of lies & behavior right t the start when you're still trying to impress eachother. Coming clean once your relationship is serious shows something. Why did he confess? What were the circumstances? Blaming your sex life for groping a stripper is a completely different thing! It's pathetic to throw blame like that. God forbid you ever have surgery or get seriously sick...what would he excuse in those circumstances? I agree, your morally (& maturity) very different people. 'Until death do us part' is a very long time. If you've already got secrets & lies this early on I'd be questioning the longevity of this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 IMO a lap dance is no big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 IMO a lap dance is no big deal. IMO it is. Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 My boyfriend of almost 5 years just recently told me one of the worst lies he has ever told. He told me, after 2 months prior to the incident, that he went to a strip club, got a lap dance, but worst of all, touched and carressed the breasts, inner thighs, ass, and head of the stripper, and that they flirted and made small talk. He told her she was turning him on, etc. This occurred after he went to a stag one night. The morning after I had asked him if he went to the strip club, and he lied to my face. He claims that he did this because I have been emotionally and physically rejected him, which is only partially true. I love him more than anything and simply was too exhausted and drained to have sex with him and give him the attention & affection that I used to because I was commuting an hour to work and working full-time for the first year - I was completely burned out this year. I am a teacher so now I am on summer vacation. Now, going back a few years (or less), my boyfriend has lied to my face about A LOT of things, including: him doing cocaine while we were dating, him doing mdma while we were dating, him smoking (A LOT OF) weed while we were dating, all of which he looked me in the eye and said NO. Those things I am over because they (not to my knowledge) happen anymore, but this thing with the stripper absolutely kills me because it's lying about him being with another woman. How will I ever be able to trust that he won't lie to me again, when he already has, several time? How will I get the image of him touching a woman's naked body out of my mind, even if it is a stripper? Facts: I lost my virginity to him, he is my only real boyfriend, I come from a traditional European family (I am also his only real girlfriend, and he also comes from a traditional European family). When the going gets tough he gets going. He is a Liar!!! DUMP HIM.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trishern Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I was commuting an hour to work and working full-time for the first year - I was completely burned out this year. An hours commute and full time work is quite normal IMO. I am a teacher so now I am on summer vacation. Now, going back a few years (or less), my boyfriend has lied to my face about A LOT of things, including: him doing cocaine while we were dating, him doing mdma while we were dating, him smoking (A LOT OF) weed while we were dating, all of which he looked me in the eye and said NO. Those things I am over because they (not to my knowledge) happen anymore, but this thing with the stripper absolutely kills me because it's lying about him being with another woman. How will I ever be able to trust that he won't lie to me again, when he already has, several time? You really can't trust that he won't lie to you again an based on past experience.,there's every chance to believe he will. How will I get the image of him touching a woman's naked body out of my mind, even if it is a stripper? This is very tough and you might want to give yourself a few months to process it all. if it's still so hurtful and I'm know it would be if it was me, then consider ending this relationship, without more precious years going by. QUOTE] It's a big enough deal weather or not it's cheating. Just a lap dance without touching, I could deal with, especially as it was a stag night, but he got a little too into it for what I would be comfortable or happy with. Why did he confess now? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 . Now, going back a few years (or less), my boyfriend has lied to my face about A LOT of things, including: him doing cocaine while we were dating, him doing mdma while we were dating, him smoking (A LOT OF) weed while we were dating, all of which he looked me in the eye and said NO. . First understand the stripper most likely wasn't naked but had the really good bits covered. Doesn't make it totally better but may help with the images in your head. Going to a strip wouldn't bother me. But touching her is starting down a slippery slope. Your real problem here isn't the stripper. It was that she was the last in a long line of lies. He's not an honorable guy Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Now, going back a few years (or less), my boyfriend has lied to my face about A LOT of things, including: him doing cocaine while we were dating, him doing mdma while we were dating, him smoking (A LOT OF) weed while we were dating, all of which he looked me in the eye and said NO. Those things I am over because they (not to my knowledge) happen anymore, but this thing with the stripper absolutely kills me because it's lying about him being with another woman. Let me guess. Since he blames the stripper bull crap on you for 'neglecting' the poor little muffin, did he also blame you for all the drugs he did and everything else he's lied about? Only a spineless coward blames his crap behavior on someone else rather than OWNING it. Lastly, the guy is a proven liar. Anything he told you about the stripper, multiply it by 100. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 The lap dance and touching with the stripper is not good but combined with all of the drugs and the constant lying is a recipe for disaster, I would get out of this relationship asap. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 IMO it is. What about when the girls all get together for a Bachelorette party and get some young, greasy, ripped male stripper to grind all over them? Usually there is a lot of laughing hooting and hollering, and then the women go home to their men. I dunno... all in fun. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) I don't know what the laws are where you live, but here strippers are allowed to go down to a g string if the club serves alcohol and full nude if it does not. The customer is not allowed to touch the stripper, even during a lap dance, unless they are in a private room. Otherwise known as the VIP rooms, which are usually an area toward the back with seats and doors or curtains to divide the spaces. Touching in private rooms is illegal, but everyone turns a blind eye. And, frankly, a LOT of strippers will put out for a nice "tip". I have a few single friends who occasionally pay for sex from strippers because it's cheaper than seeing a traditional "escort". If I were placing bets, I'd say he hasn't been fully honest about what happened. Between that and his other lies combined with him trying to blame you for what he chose to do, I think you should just dump him and move on. Do I get all the sex and attention I'd like? No. Because sometimes my DH is tired from work or sick or the kids are being loud and/or needy, but that's real life and hardly an excuse to cheat. Edited August 2, 2015 by MJJean Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts