Anyone get through a trial separation and back together? Tips?

[NewJourney]

Hello, I am pretty new here. Posted my story in the coping thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/540692-new-here-looking-tips-coping-staying-positive

 

I'm wondering if anyone here has worked through a separation and gotten back together? What tips/ advice do you have? How long did it take? I was in denial for weeks... and although it's only been 6 weeks, to me this still feels like an eternity. So often I wonder how I will make it! I'm feeling so lost. I can't wait for my counseling to start this month, but she's on holidays and I won't be seeing her until the end of the month.

 

Some people say have no contact with him except about kids and "life stuff", other says if he's willing have some small talk here and there. He still wants to do family activities occasionally too. (We have our cities annual fair this month and he wants to go with me and the kids etc). He's very confusing a lot of the time. Hot and cold. I know he's working through and processing things too. I just don't want to seem not interested in him. I would do anything to get him back. I've told him I'm always here waiting for him and that he can come back to me any anytime. I'm at his mercy. I try to not show too much sadness around him, but I am a very sensitive emotional person and this has been the worst 6 weeks of my life. He says things like, "Be strong... you will be ok... think positive... cheer up...", so then I do my best to act "normal" and OK around him and then he seems put off and looks at me with this longing kind of puppy dog face, like he thinks I'm mad at him (now that I'm not sobbing and pining over him). I know he wants to feel in control and he definitely has that at this point. I think what is also hard for me is that this is clearly harder on me and sometimes he seems almost happy that he's away from us. I'm sure this isn't the case and he's just better and hiding his emotions. When I tell him I'm supporting his decision and a few others things about how I feel etc., I can still see him almost tearing up... so I know he's still hurting lots. This is hard on us both, and I get that. I know we have lots to work through about a few things and I truly hope he will join me in a few counseling sessions at some point. I know a big thing for me will be working on my communication and not bottling things inside, to eat away at me. I'm working my best to get my life sorted and myself in a good place. I guess that's all I can do, is work on me and be a good mom to my kids and face each day one at a time... sometimes I need to just face each hour at a time.

Anyways sorry to rant on. I am loving this kind supportive community so far and welcome any accounts you've had and what has and has not worked for you. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Edited August 1, 2015 by NewJourney

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you discussed any agreed upon rules for your separation?

 

In dealing with a family member's substance abuse, love is the last connection to fail. What precedes it is trust, commitment and honesty. I doubt he believes you'll change - having 14 years of history on which to base this - and so he's trying to detach.

 

Continue to make progress in your treatment, it serves you regardless of the fate of your marriage. All you can do is let him see you work hard to get better and hope for the best. Wishing you continued success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

I read your other thread.

 

 

To answer your general question, yes there are people who do get back together after a separation but sometimes you have to ask the question of "should they?."

 

 

In your case, whether he should take you back or not will rest heavily with if you can stop drinking and messing around with other men and if you will be able to live a clean and responsible life enough for him to gain the trust and respect enough to enter into another relationship with you.

 

 

I have to be honest here, I am actually in support of your husband on this one and think that he is doing the right thing. Until you can get a handle on your drinking and on your behavior and are able to demonstrate that you will be good wife and mother material, he is in the right to be separated from you.

 

 

Even if you get completely squared away, he may or he may not want you back. Regardless of what he chooses, it is clearly in YOUR best interests to get squared away even if he is gone for good.

 

 

In other words, you need to get squared away for you, regardless of whether he comes back or not. But here's the thing, the more squared away you get, the more likely he will come back. And even if he doesn't come back, the more squared away you are, the more likely you will another decent man in your life again, verses just having guys from the bar coming and going.

 

 

My recommendation is devote your time and energies into being the best mother and coparent you can be to your children as you can, as well as becoming the most squared away person you can be for yourself. focus on your own self-improvement and get as squared away as you can and maybe he will come back and if he doesn't, at least you will be the best person you can be and you will be able to move on to a new relationship with another good person rather than just dudes from the bar looking for some tail.

[ChicagoSparty]

I know a few couples that got back together. Only one seems like they're happy they did. The others...you can just tell that they wish they had moved on.

 

It's sooooooo hard. There's a tipping point in relationships, and I would estimate that 98% of the time the relationship goes past the tipping point, it's never coming back.

[understand50]

NewJourney,

 

What are, or did you both, make any ground rules? Can you see and date (have sex) with other people? Are you to go No Contact?

 

Why I ask, is if you are both to stay married you both need to concentrated reconnect with on each other. If you are both allowed to date others, and you are both in No contact, it is over and you need to move on. If he, and you, are staying "true" to each other there is hope and good odds you can regain your marriage, if you get off and stay off the booze. He is removing himself from a bad situation, due to the pain and hurt you caused him. You will have to demonstrate, by your actions, that you will never do this to him again. If that is the case, the ending is in your hands, get off and stay off the booze, go to IC, MC and for you AA.

 

If you did not make ground rules, I would write him a letter, stating what you think they are. See no one else, and going to IC, AA and MC would be things I would lope you both could do.

 

I wish you luck.