Need some insight

[woggy]

I'll try and make this as simple as possible, about a week ago my ex and I got into a fight, but more accurately it was me getting mad and blowing up at her. The day after that things were very weird between us, she was very distant and didn't want to talk.

 

Three days later she broke up with me saying that she is scared that it would happen again in the future and that she still loved me but was scared. It hit me hard, crying and crying and crying like most of you know.

 

We were broken up for one day and I pretty much knew right away no contact was the way to go but after one day I got a message from her asking if I was okay. I know I probably should have ignored it but I was weak. I thought for sure that she felt guilty and bad and wanted me to make her feel better by saying I was fine but I told her I wasn't. She called me right after saying that she still loved me and I asked did she want to be together, she said yes. I told her I can't be just a friend to her, that it was too hard and not to give me hope and just rip it away. She said that there was hope of us getting back together and I made it as clear as I could that she should just tell me now if that's true or not. She told me she just needed a little time and that she wanted it to be a break instead, so maybe it could refresh our relationship. I said okay, but don't abuse.

 

Here's an exact message she sent me after our call: " I'm not letting you go and we're going to get through this ".

 

I hung up and the next day I get a message from her just about her day at work, and I tried to limit the amount of messages I sent back but It was really hard for me. I told her I wanted to take this break/space thing slow and not mess it up, and she said its already slow.

 

We messaged a bit more and when I knew she was off, I asked if she had a good day and got just a " Yeah", I then asked if she was home and got a " No ". I stopped messaging after that.

 

I know I'm torturing myself looking at her social media including Snapchat where it showed she obviously was at a different house and maybe it's just a friends. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws but it seems to be a 180 from just hours before. When we talked on the phone the night before I asked if there was another guy and she said no. I'm just really paranoid right now and worried about getting hurt again.

 

We were together for six months, I would really just like some insight on what I should do.

Edited August 2, 2015 by woggy
Details

[StalwartMind]

It's a good lesson for you, in fact for the both of you. There are better ways to handle an upset than exploding verbally. Some never learn or change, others however need experiences like this to realize, that letting frustration consume you isn't the best way to go about things, especially with someone you love and care about.

 

None of us have the right to decide what is the breaking point of a relationship for someone else, so you are at her mercy. With that said, this doesn't mean you should let her walk all over you either. Give her the time she needs and respect her wishes. I'm not going to defend fibs or such, since I place value on honesty, but when you upset someone it is typically counter productive to go detective mode and obsess about someone.

 

People make mistakes, we all have different tolerance levels, no one is a deity so even while you screwed up, make sure you don't go into full desperation begging mode and let someone abuse you either. As a final note instead of blowing up at someone in the future, try to just express to that person you are unhappy with whatever is causing the upset. Young or old it doesn't matter, good things can come from bad experiences, important part is you learn something from it.

[woggy]

It's a good lesson for you, in fact for the both of you. There are better ways to handle an upset than exploding verbally. Some never learn or change, others however need experiences like this to realize, that letting frustration consume you isn't the best way to go about things, especially with someone you love and care about.

 

None of us have the right to decide what is the breaking point of a relationship for someone else, so you are at her mercy. With that said, this doesn't mean you should let her walk all over you either. Give her the time she needs and respect her wishes. I'm not going to defend fibs or such, since I place value on honesty, but when you upset someone it is typically counter productive to go detective mode and obsess about someone.

 

People make mistakes, we all have different tolerance levels, no one is a deity so even while you screwed up, make sure you don't go into full desperation begging mode and let someone abuse you either. As a final note instead of blowing up at someone in the future, try to just express to that person you are unhappy with whatever is causing the upset. Young or old it doesn't matter, good things can come from bad experiences, important part is you learn something from it.

Yeah, that's something I learned very quickly, that control was needed and in the end it was my fault it came to an end.

 

I also know me looking on her social media is going to make it harder for me, it's just really hard not to see whats going on in her life.

 

The biggest issue right now is what do I do in regards with the whole break thing, I don't know whether I should do no contact again since last time I did she was the one to message me or should I keep slowly messaging her like today. Just the sudden attitude changed surprise me a lot and confused me.

[TaraMaiden2]

You say this is a break, and that you're taking things slow.... but you refer to her as your ex-...

 

Is this over, in your mind, already?

 

How long have you been together?

And how old are you?

And is this the very first time your anger has got the better of you?

 

( I have to go to work. I'll be back later for your responses... )

[elaine567]

I'll try and make this as simple as possible, about a week ago my ex and I got into a fight, but more accurately it was me getting mad and blowing up at her. The day after that things were very weird between us, she was very distant and didn't want to talk.

 

Three days later she broke up with me saying that she is scared that it would happen again in the future and that she still loved me but was scared. It hit me hard, crying and crying and crying like most of you know.

 

What was the fight about, why did you get mad at her?

[woggy]

You say this is a break, and that you're taking things slow.... but you refer to her as your ex-...

 

Is this over, in your mind, already?

 

How long have you been together?

And how old are you?

And is this the very first time your anger has got the better of you?

 

( I have to go to work. I'll be back later for your responses... )

 

I say ex just because calling her my girlfriend doesn't feel right after how much it hurt when she ended it.

 

I don't think its over, it just seemed so fast. We both obviously are still wanting to be together, at least from what she told me.

 

We were together for 6 months and are both 19. And for the most part yes, I never really yelled but instead just let little things bother me and ruin days, so instead of yelling I just wouldn't talk to her.

 

It took being dumped for me to realize how petty I was...

[woggy]

What was the fight about, why did you get mad at her?

 

She recently started a new job which led us to have barely anytime together for a few weeks, and so one day in which we did have time together, she told me she was leaving early to hangout with a friend at another friends place. It wasn't a big deal, I just overreacted. I got upset by it and just said how it was bull**** that she did that and just didn't talk the rest of the time we had. Which I regret more than ever

[elaine567]

She recently started a new job which led us to have barely anytime together for a few weeks, and so one day in which we did have time together, she told me she was leaving early to hangout with a friend at another friends place. It wasn't a big deal, I just overreacted. I got upset by it and just said how it was bull**** that she did that and just didn't talk the rest of the time we had. Which I regret more than ever

 

OK, controlling, verbally abusive and stonewalling.

NOT good. I can see why she was upset and wanted a break.

Depends how her thinking is going here, as to whether she will decide you are worth taking a chance on.

 

If she has previous experience of this with other guys, or if you have been in the habit of acting like this before, or if her pals are telling her - "red flag", you may be out on your ear, there may be no way back.

But if your relationship is good normally, you may have a chance.

 

Just learn from it.

So many heart broken guys on here say "I treated her bad", "I took her for granted", "I was a horrible bf".

No-one likes to be used and abused.

I think some guys know that their gfs, love them and then take that as a cue to treat them badly. She loves me, she will put up with anything.

Healthy women in general do not NEED bad relationships, and they tend to WALK, when things do not go right.

[woggy]

OK, controlling, verbally abusive and stonewalling.

NOT good. I can see why she was upset and wanted a break.

Depends how her thinking is going here, as to whether she will decide you are worth taking a chance on.

 

If she has previous experience of this with other guys, or if you have been in the habit of acting like this before, or if her pals are telling her - "red flag", you may be out on your ear, there may be no way back.

But if your relationship is good normally, you may have a chance.

 

Just learn from it.

So many heart broken guys on here say "I treated her bad", "I took her for granted", "I was a horrible bf".

No-one likes to be used and abused.

I think some guys know that their gfs, love them and then take that as a cue to treat them badly. She loves me, she will put up with anything.

Healthy women in general do not NEED bad relationships, and they tend to WALK, when things do not go right.

And that's the worse part, I completely deserved. It was something I didn't realize in the moment and it kills me to know it was totally avoidable.

 

I never thought I was that guy. It was the only time it was that bad, I just hope that helps in someway.

 

I wish I could tell her I realize how horrible I was that day but she's already heard it from me and I guess it doesn't help much after the fact. I just don't want to ruin any second chance, that's why I'm fleeting to find a way to handle this situation

Edited August 2, 2015 by woggy

[TaraMaiden2]

I say ex just because calling her my girlfriend doesn't feel right after how much it hurt when she ended it.

 

I don't think its over, it just seemed so fast. We both obviously are still wanting to be together, at least from what she told me.

 

We were together for 6 months and are both 19. And for the most part yes, I never really yelled but instead just let little things bother me and ruin days, so instead of yelling I just wouldn't talk to her.

 

It took being dumped for me to realize how petty I was...

 

Would you like the bad news or the worse news...?

 

The bad news is, that really, even if this isn't final, it won't last another 6 months anyway.

If she's seeking a break now, I think she's probably releasing the both of you gently.

She probably sees this as a 'great love' and is frightened of cutting ties; but there's something about being with you that goes against the grain for her, and she's not willing to subject herself to this kind of treatment, this early on in her life. She knows what she will stand for, and NOT stand for.

 

She's also, emotionally, probably more mature than you too. In emotional spheres, at this age, girls invariably are....

 

I know you're going to think this patronising; in your shoes, I'd probably think the same.

But you're too young to be considering this as a great huge love of your life.

You're also trigger-happy, and quite controlling.

Which is a characteristic young-male trait.

Which believe me, you can refine, hone, control or even eliminate entirely, as long as you do it 'healthily'.

 

The worse news is that, as Judge Judy is fond of saying about youthful miscreants up before her, "You're not fully cooked yet."

 

At your current age, your brain's not working up to par.

You need to get your head straight, but right now, there's little you can do, biologically to change what's happening.

 

So it pays to be conscious of the negative traits which might set you on a negative course, when it comes to managing discussions in relationships.

Sulking and going quiet/refusing to talk, is a passive-aggressive trait.

And getting angry and yelling, is an opener to escalating to verbal abuse.

 

Watch these traits; rein them in and learn, instead, how to communicate constructively.

Don't do a 180 and become a passive-submissive doormat.

But refine your attitude.

 

It may be too late for this one; but it's certainly a lesson for the followers...