Dealing with resentment and anger

[justme67]

I posted earlier in the week and found the responses so very helpful. One thing I find I am having trouble with (I am working on it with my therapist, too, but sometimes actual experience is helpful) is dealing with my anger and resentment towards my husband for his past issues (they are still here, but I am working on coping and better thought processes, boundaries). He has severe anxiety issues and health OCD, with a 12 year history of it in this marriage. But while working on things currently, my thoughts and emotions are still so stuck in the anger that i am having trouble focusing on working on the present. I am wondering if anyone has had success or experience in overcoming some long standing resentment and anger issues towards their spouse? I don't suppose the REASON matters, but more the mechanism of how to move past it. Someone in my other thread was accurate that my bucket seems full, and sometimes it does feel that way. But still, even if things don't work out for us, I still need to deal with these issues towards him. It isn't healthy for me. Any insight or tips are greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks!

[oldshirt]

I am 51 years old and grew up in a tiny town Midwestern town in the middle of farm country. This is my take on it -

 

 

if every time someone comes up to you they kick you in the shins, you're going to get mad and resentful.

 

 

If you call them out on it and they apologize and stop doing it and you are still mad and resentful years later, that is probably on you and you may be well served by finding a way to get passed it and move on.

 

 

However if you have called them out on in and they keep doing it, then you have just cause to be mad and resentful and just cause to steer clear of them and not invite them to join in any reindeer games with you.

[mrldii]

You're not going to like this answer, but it IS true: T-I-M-E.

 

This is NOT going to be fixed overnight. You are in counseling (both individual and couples) and - if you stick with it and whole-heartedly participate - it WILL help. There will come a point when you will have that "Ah-HA!!!" moment and things will become clearer and calmer.

 

It may be when you realize the correct path is to go your own way; it may be when you realize the correct path is to stay and find resolution with him...but it will come.

 

Right now, you're envisioning that your life will continue as it has for the past 12 years...stagnated in an ever-spiraling downward vortex. It won't. You've already changed the dynamics by introducing counseling to the equation.

 

Be patient...it's not going to happen overnight. It took you (both) 12+ years to get to this place...it's going to take a little while to get out of it; it won't take 12 years...I doubt it will even take 12 months. It probably will take a few months...but, trust me, that moment will come when you have complete clarity and are at complete peace in knowing what needs to be done.

 

Just knowing that will ease the resentment and anger tremendously, and it will just continue to heal from there.

 

By the way, I meant it in the other thread when I said what you're going through is completely normal and natural; the churned-up emotions and memories and thoughts that go with them do NOT stop when the therapist says, "Time's up!!!". This means you're left trying to sort it all out, with no tools at your disposal and no one to talk to about it. The best thing you can do is make a conscious effort to NOT dwell on those swirling thoughts and, instead, promise them you'll deal with them at the proper time: at your counselor's office, when you have the proper tools and guidance.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

[justme67]

You're not going to like this answer, but it IS true: T-I-M-E.

 

This is NOT going to be fixed overnight. You are in counseling (both individual and couples) and - if you stick with it and whole-heartedly participate - it WILL help. There will come a point when you will have that "Ah-HA!!!" moment and things will become clearer and calmer.

 

It may be when you realize the correct path is to go your own way; it may be when you realize the correct path is to stay and find resolution with him...but it will come.

 

Right now, you're envisioning that your life will continue as it has for the past 12 years...stagnated in an ever-spiraling downward vortex. It won't. You've already changed the dynamics by introducing counseling to the equation.

 

Be patient...it's not going to happen overnight. It took you (both) 12+ years to get to this place...it's going to take a little while to get out of it; it won't take 12 years...I doubt it will even take 12 months. It probably will take a few months...but, trust me, that moment will come when you have complete clarity and are at complete peace in knowing what needs to be done.

 

Just knowing that will ease the resentment and anger tremendously, and it will just continue to heal from there.

 

By the way, I meant it in the other thread when I said what you're going through is completely normal and natural; the churned-up emotions and memories and thoughts that go with them do NOT stop when the therapist says, "Time's up!!!". This means you're left trying to sort it all out, with no tools at your disposal and no one to talk to about it. The best thing you can do is make a conscious effort to NOT dwell on those swirling thoughts and, instead, promise them you'll deal with them at the proper time: at your counselor's office, when you have the proper tools and guidance.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

 

This is exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you! Truly.