E-Heart Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 So a friend of mine just texted me that her friend's brother is in town and was wondering if I would be interested in meeting him/go out for a drink. He lives in another province so it would be "no strings attached"...she just thought it would be fun for me and give me a distraction from school. If my heart wasn't attached to MM, I would definitely do it. I like meeting new people and think it would be fun! I feel stuck. MM is with his in laws this weekend doing all sorts of activities he claims that he doesn't want to do with them and his wife....and I'm asked out for a drink just for fun and I can't even do it! I can't quite explain how I feel....It's not that I really want to go for a drink with a person I don't even know...I just feel like I'm not allowed because I'm waiting for him....waiting for something that might not even happen! It's the being trapped feeling that gets to me. I wouldn't even want to meet someone right now because I'm off to med school next year and will probably be moving away from my hometown! "You can't date other men while you wait for me, but let me enjoy my life...let me go to Europe with my wife...! If you date someone it's over!" I just feel like crying now! Was having such a good day until she texted me! I'm putting everything on hold for him! Hopefully it's not for nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Why give attention to yet another man who's unavailable? No thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Why give attention to yet another man who's unavailable? No thanks! It's not that I want to! I actually really don't! It's the fact that I can't or at least I feel like I can't! But he's allowed to do whatever he wants! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 It's not that I want to! I actually really don't! It's the fact that I can't or at least I feel like I can't! But he's allowed to do whatever he wants! You can change that though.... For me, when I was in the A, I still saw other men. I refused to be 100% faithful to him given that I couldn't get the same in return. Don't want me to date others? Okay, be available 100%! Until then, suck it up. Granted, I was in love with him so I was unavailable for anything real to develop with these other people, but I at least felt I had more control over my life by doing that and didn't feel how you do, which is like you're in a holding cell and you're "not allowed." I'd have the drink if I were you! What's the worst that can happen? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 ...But he's allowed to do whatever he wants! Read this - what YOU, yourself wrote - again, very slowly and very carefully this time. You are correct...he IS allowed to whatever he wants... ...which, of course, includes making the changes in his life to make a life with you. He hasn't done that. What does that tell you...citing your own words? Go out for the drink. Go out for all the activities that put you back out in the world, doing things and meeting people and engaging in life... ...doing anything but sitting by the phone because this might be the moment he does "whatever he wants" and calls you and you've just got to be available to do "whatever he wants". Best of luck to you, OP... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Read this - what YOU, yourself wrote - again, very slowly and very carefully this time. You are correct...he IS allowed to whatever he wants... ...which, of course, includes making the changes in his life to make a life with you. He hasn't done that. What does that tell you...citing your own words? Go out for the drink. Go out for all the activities that put you back out in the world, doing things and meeting people and engaging in life... ...doing anything but sitting by the phone because this might be the moment he does "whatever he wants" and calls you and you've just got to be available to do "whatever he wants". Best of luck to you, OP... I know :'( I'm feeling like such a loser! Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 You can change that though.... For me, when I was in the A, I still saw other men. I refused to be 100% faithful to him given that I couldn't get the same in return. Don't want me to date others? Okay, be available 100%! Until then, suck it up. Granted, I was in love with him so I was unavailable for anything real to develop with these other people, but I at least felt I had more control over my life by doing that and didn't feel how you do, which is like you're in a holding cell and you're "not allowed." I'd have the drink if I were you! What's the worst that can happen? Well...the worst that can happen is that MM will walk away from this and blame me because I am dating other people! I dumb as this may sound...If he stays with his wife...I really want it to be clear to him that it's his fault, not mine! If I go have a drink with this guy, I will be to blame! He even said "Let me know if you want to date other guys, then I won't need to go to counseling".....GGGgggrrrrrr!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Should I let him know that I have the opportunity of going? I know I won't go....but maybe him knowing might wake him up! This isn't the first date I've passed on! Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I know :'( I'm feeling like such a loser! Oh, well then MM's plan IS working. Once you "feel like such a loser", you'll be less inclined to get up, shower, and go out into the world leaving you 100% available for his call when he chooses that you are "whatever he wants to do". This also saves him on counseling sessions. Go...out...for...the...drink. There will be other local people there, in addition to the visiting-from-out-of-town guy. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 What a jerk! He can have it all. Has a wife and family but expects one hundred percent from you or he'll dump you. Do you realise how ridiculous this is????? You are not married to him or under any obligation at all. YOu are the only one who can determine what you will do. MM has an over inflated sense of entitlement. Poppy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Well...the worst that can happen is that MM will walk away from this and blame me because I am dating other people! I dumb as this may sound...If he stays with his wife...I really want it to be clear to him that it's his fault, not mine! If I go have a drink with this guy, I will be to blame! He even said "Let me know if you want to date other guys, then I won't need to go to counseling".....GGGgggrrrrrr!!!! E-Heart: I think the worst thing that can happen is that you succumb to this kind of manipulation. If he stays with his wife, it's his choice to do so. If he really wants to be with you, your having dated others will not stop him from doing what it takes for the two of you to be together. If opportunities arise for you to go out and have fun, take them. Even if only to be distracted from this situation. You are young and deserve to enjoy life, not sidelining yourself. Even if this guy, or any guy, is not interesting to you romantically, at least you are reminding yourself that there is a big world out there beyond your MM. I agree with Rose that it's not wise to replace one unavailable man with another, but you have no idea what this guy is about. He could have made a good friend to you, or could have been a fun story to tell, or could have made you laugh a little, if nothing else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 You need to change your mindset on this. MM does not hold anything above your head, its your decision to have a relationship with him, its your decision to split if you want, and its your decision to do whatever you want to do and he has no say because you have not taken the vow with him. Never give all your cards to your MM, you hold all the aces because you are the one who is free, free to stay with him or free to walk. Tell him to get that right. You have more power in this relationship by virtue of a finger-less hand while his ring has a pair already. Get your mind straight girl, hold the power in your hand. Don't succumb to his wishes, this is your life and you have the right to enjoy it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Well...the worst that can happen is that MM will walk away from this and blame me because I am dating other people! I dumb as this may sound...If he stays with his wife...I really want it to be clear to him that it's his fault, not mine! If I go have a drink with this guy, I will be to blame! He even said "Let me know if you want to date other guys, then I won't need to go to counseling".....GGGgggrrrrrr!!!! Does it sound to anyone else like MM is just LOOKING for a reason to make you the bad guy so he doesn't have to be. I mean god forbid he makes a decision about his own life, on his own. I'm sorry you're hurting, but it seems to me like if a grown ass man really wanted to leave his wife.. nothing would stop him. He seems to be holding you up to these completely ridiculous standards because he knows you can't match them, so then he get's to turn round and act all butt hurt about. Just how long are you supposed to be 'waiting' exactly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 What I would do is let him know that I'm ending the affair because I have chosen to date someone who's available, instead of being with a MM. I would say that to him whether it was true or not because the moment someone delivers an ultimatum to me, and tops that off with a double standard, I'm gone. This man is going to end up ripping you up because you have taught him to have no respect for you. It doesn't matter what he says, his actions say it all. The day will come when he drops you like a bad habit and you will be completely stunned by that. You're making huge mistakes based on your emotions and it will truly bite you one day. Your best move would be to end things with him before he has the chance to do any more damage to you. I can guarantee you that if your roles were reversed - you married and him single - he wouldn't put up with being told who he could and could not see. There's no reason on earth why you should agree to this. Not only is he doing things with his wife and traveling, he's having sex with her, too. I think you would do yourself a huge favor by asking yourself why you're ok with any of the current situation. The truth is, men know that women make decisions based on emotion and they manipulate women based on that. You're being played and don't even know it because he makes you think he cares so much. The lies here are beyond what you have even begun to guess at. He will die protecting his money and reputation over you at any point in time. You would be really, really smart to disengage from this ridiculous web. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Well...the worst that can happen is that MM will walk away from this and blame me because I am dating other people! I dumb as this may sound...If he stays with his wife...I really want it to be clear to him that it's his fault, not mine! If I go have a drink with this guy, I will be to blame! He even said "Let me know if you want to date other guys, then I won't need to go to counseling".....GGGgggrrrrrr!!!! This is called manipulation. Leaving his wife should be because he is done with his marriage. Whether or not you go for a drink with another man is moot But that's how manipulation goes. He will say he is leaving his wife and when he doesn't, it's not because of him, but because of you and something you did or didn't do. It's classic. Emotionally manipulative people love this type of thing. Even if they had NO plans of ever following through, they won't admit they had no plans of doing it, instead it will become something you did why they didn't do it. I hope you eventually realize this makes no sense. He can have a wife and do whatever but if you have a drink with someone else that is enough for the relationship to end and for him to not divorce? It's nonsense lol. But it's nonsense that keeps you in your place and has him as the one in total control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Should I let him know that I have the opportunity of going? I know I won't go....but maybe him knowing might wake him up! This isn't the first date I've passed on! It won't wake him up. He probably knows your are bluffing. You're simply making idle threats. It's also your version of manipulation and once you're in a relationship where you have to manipulate to get what you want or try to lie about doing things to get the other person to react or wake up or whatever, it's a bad sign. This man knows you are under his thumb and saying you will go out with another man won't wake him up. He will just stay married, as probably is his original plan. Then you'll be the one scrambling and feeling wrongfully guilty and sad and will come slinking back saying you love him and weren't really going out with anyone else and he'll punish you emotionally then maybe take you back if you promise to be a good little Mistress. He holds all the cards here unfortunately, as you care significantly more than he does about the outcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 It won't wake him up. He probably knows your are bluffing. You're simply making idle threats. It's also your version of manipulation and once you're in a relationship where you have to manipulate to get what you want or try to lie about doing things to get the other person to react or wake up or whatever, it's a bad sign. This man knows you are under his thumb and saying you will go out with another man won't wake him up. He will just stay married, as probably is his original plan. Then you'll be the one scrambling and feeling wrongfully guilty and sad and will come slinking back saying you love him and weren't really going out with anyone else and he'll punish you emotionally then maybe take you back if you promise to be a good little Mistress. He holds all the cards here unfortunately, as you care significantly more than he does about the outcome. You're right! I didn't end up going and didn't tell him neither. I had a conversation with MM this morning....He said if it's going to happen (him leaving his wife), it's going to happen soon! And if it doesn't, then he's a major f*ck up. He said that he now realizes that him and his W are not a good match, which also makes him realize that this needs to happen no matter what (even if I'm not there anymore). He's tired of the lying. I'm not sure how that sounds to the rest of you on this forum, but it sounds he's going to leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 You aren't just competing with his wife, you are competing with his entire life. It isn't easy to just get up and walk away from a family. He sounds very controlling, I hope that isn't the case, but is this the kind of guy you want forever? Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 You're right! I didn't end up going and didn't tell him neither. I had a conversation with MM this morning....He said if it's going to happen (him leaving his wife), it's going to happen soon! And if it doesn't, then he's a major f*ck up. He said that he now realizes that him and his W are not a good match, which also makes him realize that this needs to happen no matter what (even if I'm not there anymore). He's tired of the lying. I'm not sure how that sounds to the rest of you on this forum, but it sounds he's going to leave her. Here is a suggestion. Tell him to come over to your house and have him call his W in your presence and tell her everything he is telling you while you quietly listen to hear what his W is saying? His W doesn't have to know he is with you. That would eliminate all doubt because you will hear the truth. You will no longer have to wait and hope and pray that he leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 You aren't just competing with his wife, you are competing with his entire life. It isn't easy to just get up and walk away from a family. He sounds very controlling, I hope that isn't the case, but is this the kind of guy you want forever? He's married with no kids therefore not walking away from a family. A divorce won't cause any financial issues...they are both well off. Although it sounds like he's very controlling...I know he's "manipulating me" into staying into this A , but I actually think he's going to leave her. He isn't controlling with his wife, as far as I can remember...even before we started the A. I've known them for 5 years now and he's never seemed like the controlling type to me. I don't like when the word competing is said. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm competing with anything or anyone! This isn't a competition of who's going to win. He has to figure out what he wants and then do it whether it's leaving his wife or not. It sounds like he's going to leave her to me even if I'm there or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Here is a suggestion. Tell him to come over to your house and have him call his W in your presence and tell her everything he is telling you while you quietly listen to hear what his W is saying? His W doesn't have to know he is with you. That would eliminate all doubt because you will hear the truth. You will no longer have to wait and hope and pray that he leaves. Hummmm...I left my H last year and that is not how I would want to break it to him! Not over the phone Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 I feel like I'm defending him...I know that's bad.... Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I had a conversation with MM this morning....He said if it's going to happen (him leaving his wife), it's going to happen soon! And if it doesn't, then he's a major f*ck up.... I'm not sure how that sounds to the rest of you on this forum, but it sounds he's going to leave her. Two things. 1) What does 'soon' actually mean? 2) He's used the word 'if' a lot. Doesn't sound to me like someone set on a specific course of action. Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 It doesn't sound to me as if he has any intention of leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 Two things. 1) What does 'soon' actually mean? 2) He's used the word 'if' a lot. Doesn't sound to me like someone set on a specific course of action. Soon being within the next couple of months. Ifs....I know. Link to post Share on other sites
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