Gloria_Smellons Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Soon being within the next couple of months. Ifs....I know. I wouldn't normally advocate this but it just doesn't seem like you're ready to let go... Since you're saying it's a couple of months, I would set yourself an internal deadline. Don't share it, just keep it in your own mind. Two months takes us to the end of September right? If by then he has no concrete proof that something significant has changed, you kick him to the curb. Don't talk to him between now and then, tell him to focus on getting his **** together and you'll check in with him later. Then go dark. If he really is going to leave he's going to have a lot to do. It does mean continuing to feel ****ty for the next two months, but you seem to think he's worth it for reasons I don't understand. My hope is that after two months you'll check in with him only to hear some more BS excuses about why nothing has changed, and you will realise that this isn't going anywhere. Plus you'll have two months of NC under your belt and hopefully that distance will have given you a different perspective. Either that or he will actually be taking real steps to separate and you'll know he's serious. Either way it's win, win right, so no reason not to do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I feel bad for you. Affairs prevent you from thinking logically. 1. You're single, meet other people, and don't tell him. He seems to be the sole source of your happiness, and that's bad, really bad. 2. He is leaving his wife "soon" Here is how it will go down. You will stand by his side, while he blows up his life, support him and in the end, more likely than not, he'll tell you he wants space and to date other people and you're just a rebound. if you REALLY want to be with him, break up with him until he is single and his affairs are in order. 3. You need to work on your self esteem, as you are allowing him to manipulate you. He might not be trying to, but you're carrying the torch for someone who, is cheating on his partner now. Your relationship is founded on a lie. Do you really want that as your foundation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 I wouldn't normally advocate this but it just doesn't seem like you're ready to let go... Since you're saying it's a couple of months, I would set yourself an internal deadline. Don't share it, just keep it in your own mind. Two months takes us to the end of September right? If by then he has no concrete proof that something significant has changed, you kick him to the curb. Don't talk to him between now and then, tell him to focus on getting his **** together and you'll check in with him later. Then go dark. If he really is going to leave he's going to have a lot to do. It does mean continuing to feel ****ty for the next two months, but you seem to think he's worth it for reasons I don't understand. My hope is that after two months you'll check in with him only to hear some more BS excuses about why nothing has changed, and you will realise that this isn't going anywhere. Plus you'll have two months of NC under your belt and hopefully that distance will have given you a different perspective. Either that or he will actually be taking real steps to separate and you'll know he's serious. Either way it's win, win right, so no reason not to do it? That is exactly what I'm thinking! Even he said that if he doesn't do it, he's a f*ck up and I can tell him that! My plan is to wait until the end of September and keep my mouth close until then. I'm Not going to pressure him to do this...this has to be his decision! He said it has to happen in September! I told him that this hurts too much to be able to endure more than that! He will see me drift away at the end of September! Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 3, 2015 Author Share Posted August 3, 2015 I feel bad for you. Affairs prevent you from thinking logically. 1. You're single, meet other people, and don't tell him. He seems to be the sole source of your happiness, and that's bad, really bad. 2. He is leaving his wife "soon" Here is how it will go down. You will stand by his side, while he blows up his life, support him and in the end, more likely than not, he'll tell you he wants space and to date other people and you're just a rebound. if you REALLY want to be with him, break up with him until he is single and his affairs are in order. 3. You need to work on your self esteem, as you are allowing him to manipulate you. He might not be trying to, but you're carrying the torch for someone who, is cheating on his partner now. Your relationship is founded on a lie. Do you really want that as your foundation? Agree for the most part. (Point 2 and 3) He isn't my only source of happiness...I'm working my way into med school which I've always wanted to do and have tons of friends and hobbies. I really have so much to look forward to. If this doesn't work out with him...I know I'll be fine! Now, if #2 happens...he can kiss my @ss Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 It's not that I want to! I actually really don't! It's the fact that I can't or at least I feel like I can't! But he's allowed to do whatever he wants! Whether he actually leaves his W is a separate issue. Besides, you can always push your timeline back or forward depending on changing circumstances. But in the meantime, are you on hold in the frozen goods department until he is available for you? He can either speed up his separation or he stews if you want to go out or date other people. If he breaks it off with you then he isn't worth waiting for in the first place. I think your MM is very scared that you will walk away if you find a suitable man when you "go out" for a date or a drink. He knows there is a big possibility you will want to see an available man and he will loose his cake on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) I'm sure this won't happen but I think the smartest move would be to simply end things with him. Let him know that if he finds himself free, to let you know. That way, if he is truly on the fence and leaning toward being with you, then he'll make a decision that much faster. If he never intends to leave, he'll just keep contacting you and trying to drag you back into the affair. In the affair that I was in, xMM kept coming back after I broke up with him. I thought was a compliment and I thought it meant something. The truth is, it wasn't a compliment and it didn't mean anything. It was an opportunity to chase me and to keep the affair alive. Also, by staying with your MM in this situation, it's clouding all of the issues and you're encouraging him to be a cheater, while diminishing your value. I know you probably don't see it that way but you can bet that he does. Until he has decided to free himself and date you exclusively, he doesn't deserve to be with you. That's really the simple truth. Edited August 5, 2015 by bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 I'm sure this won't happen but I think the smartest move would be to simply end things with him. Let him know that if he finds himself free, to let you know. That way, if he is truly on the fence and leaning toward being with you, then he'll make a decision that much faster. If he never intends to leave, he'll just keep contacting you and trying to drag you back into the affair. In the affair that I was in, xMM kept coming back after I broke up with him. I thought was a compliment and I thought it meant something. The truth is, it wasn't a compliment and it didn't mean anything. It was an opportunity to chase me and to keep the affair alive. Also, by staying with your MM in this situation, it's clouding all of the issues and you're encouraging him to be a cheater, while diminishing your value. I know you probably don't see it that way but you can bet that he does. Until he has decided to free himself and date you exclusively, he doesn't deserve to be with you. That's really the simple truth. It's over now. I've realized just how much this was affecting me mentally and just not worth it. I can't do this to myself anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
jaskiegs Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 FWIW, as a MM that is no longer in an A, I encouraged her to date others. She didn't. I wanted her to for both of us... Her to see if she liked it and me to incentivise me. Yes, I'm weak. But you should have drinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 I can't seem to able to PM anyone....Why is that? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 It's not that I want to! I actually really don't! It's the fact that I can't or at least I feel like I can't! But he's allowed to do whatever he wants! Do it anyway. You need to learn how to not be afraid to lose him. You're not really losing anything anyway, and it would actually be good for him to see that he lost you to a man who treats you better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) FWIW, as a MM that is no longer in an A, I encouraged her to date others. She didn't. I wanted her to for both of us... Her to see if she liked it and me to incentivise me. Yes, I'm weak. But you should have drinks. Drinks? Where did that come from? lol And stop telling that lie , it wouldn't have incentivized you to do anything. You would have given up and let her go. Say uncle. White flag.... Edited August 5, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
Author E-Heart Posted August 5, 2015 Author Share Posted August 5, 2015 Drinks? Where did that come from? lol And stop telling that lie , it wouldn't have incentivized you to do anything. You would have given up and let her go. Say uncle. White flag.... Ooohhhh...you just made me laugh! LOL! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jaskiegs Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 SMH. OK, goodbye Loveshack Link to post Share on other sites
HappyNow70 Posted August 6, 2015 Share Posted August 6, 2015 Have drinks. You don't have to tell him. Its none of his business. See how it feels to be with someone that you can be free with. You don't have to worry about who sees you. HAVE FUN. While I was involved with my MM, I had a good male friend (that my MM did NOT like) that I had fun with (not sex, just movies, dinner etc). This friend did know my situation. The interaction kept me somewhat sane and showed me I AM desirable...I can leave if I want to. It gave me back some of the control. Like I said....it's NONE of his business. If he can't give you all of him then he most certainly does not get all of you. As much as it hurts to think about...he most likely is having a good time in Europe with his wife, he most likely is having sex with her (I'm sorry I KNOW how much that thought hurts) and he isn't going to tell you about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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